Plague of Strength

This weekend Tara and I hit up the 80’s Wrestlingcon, where I met the legendary psychopath Haku and still-big-as-fuck Tony Atlas, who was the tag team partner of The Rock’s dad. Both men agreed to get with me on their training methods, though wrestlers have taken a lot of bumps to the head, so we’ll just keep our fingers crossed that actually comes to fruition- I would love to find out how a 75-year-old maintains 20+” muscular arms, and how Haku trained so he could easily snap handcuffs off his back, put people through walls one handed, and do all of the other insane shit with which he’s credited.

After meeting both of those guys, I entered a hot sauce eating contest, as I am hypercompetitive and love spicy foods. I managed to eat seven ghost pepper wins to Adam Richman’s three at a bar in Birmingham. AL (albeit hammered and totally unaware that the wings I’d ordered could literally kill me), so I figured a hot sauce competition is something I could hardly lose. After we’d run the gamut taking tiny spoonfuls of various hot sauces, I demanded we start doing shots of the hottest shit until someone tapped. One kid immediately tapped out, so that left another dude and I swallowing mouthfuls of ghost pepper hot sauce, punctuated by Rick Flair “woos,” because what the fuck else am I going to yell at a wrestling convention? We were finally declared co-winners, though I was post-facto declared the winner because I saw my opponent in the parking lot, on death’s door, and had a nice laugh about it with the sponsor of the competition, Ron Menin from Hell’s Kitchen Hot Sauce.

If you want to watch the hot sauce competition, in which the one kid is basically dull as fucking dishawater before pussing out and I sweat a lot, here you go (The sweating was far more T3 and Bronkaid related than hot sauce). As I’m sure you know, I fucking despise posting videos of myself, but Tara insisted- I refuse to fucking watch myself on film, so feel free to skip them if you want. I would.

This isn’t Instagram and I’ve never been paid by anyone to promote anything. When I competed, that shit was all me- no helpers, no spotters (Iused the meet loaders), no coach, no sponsors, and that’s the way I will always do shit. The liberating thing about crushing poverty is that you’re in no one’s pocket, so I can do whatever the fuck I want and put over whomever I want, so here is my endorsement of my favorite new hot sauce company.

“I don’t want to place too much importance on hot sauce, but I don’t think I’m overstepping my bounds when I say hot sauce is to food what salvation is to humanity.  Bland people like bland food, and the merit of your character will ultimately be determined by your preference for spicy foods” – Maddox

Prior to the competition, I’d already bought Ginger Devil, Hell’s Kitchen’s hottest hot sauce. I’d done so for two reasons- one, it fucking tastes amazing, and the zing from the ginger hits a different part of your palate than the chili’s capsaicin. and I discovered when writing “If You Pass on Hot Sauce, You Pass on Gainz” that each one of the different types of pungent foods has its own individual benefit to your physique and overall health. Thus, the combo of 7 pot primo peppers and fatalli peppers with ginger definitely appealed to my inner nerd, as did the fact it neither smelled nor tasted like vinegar, which is my main gripe with hot sauce in general. If you’re curious about the exact ingredients: pear puree, apple cider vinegar, 7 pot primo peppers, fatalli peppers, salt, agave nectar, ginger, and star anise, with less than a gram of carbs per serving.

Other highlights from what I tasted- Pepper Pastry. In the middle of the competition I interrupted him to tell him that Pepper Pastry would be banging on ice cream, and he laughed and told me his description said literally that on the website, which it does. This is basically blueberry syrup with a bit of a kick- I will (no shit) be bringing this to a diner to put on pancakes this weekend. If you’re curious what’s in it: fatalli peppers, habanero peppers, water, pears, maple syrup, orange juice, white vinegar, pineapple, blueberries, lemons, salt, garlic powder, ginger, cinnamon. And as I recall, his blueberries are locally sourced and fresh. This shit is the truth.

A couple of other awesome flavors were the Cinnamon Ghost Punch, which would be phenomenal in chili and probably cinnamon buns, and Taco Cat, which isone of the best taco sauces I’ve ever tasted. Mild, but with enough of a bite that you know you have hot sauce in there.

Rick’s all about bringing the flavor, rather than just heat, which is cool. Vinegar sauces like Tabasco and Texas Pete’s are vile for anyone who hates vinegar, and most of the hot sauces that just go for heat taste like fucking poison. So if you are looking for some sauces to kick your food up a notch without ruining the taste, Hell’s Kitchen is your go to. And I will update this bad boy after I use the Pepper Pastry on some pancakes, because the more I think about it, the more I’m thinking we need to hit a diner midweek for the gains. Especially since a 75 year old man’s arms made me look like I don’t even fucking lift last weekend.

I ended up hitting up the owner of Hell’s Kitchen with a link to this and he hit us with a 20% off promo code to use at checkout: flyingelbow20

Now you have literally no excuse not to try this stuff, because it is bangin’ and cheap as hell!

Get fucking spicy with it.

And my article on the badass, bodybuilding, war hero, cosmic horror author who heavily influenced HP Lovecraft is dropping tomorrow or the next day, so keep an eye out for that shit. Dude was a fucking boss.

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