Ask The Asshole: The Flaming Asshole Edition

Jamie Chaos

May 22, 2013

First, I shall start with something that’s not a question, but that I’d like to address in any event. Tim Lambesis, frontman for a band that’s produced naught but monotone dreck for the entirety of its existence, As I Lay Dying, is blaming his attempt to hire a hitman to kill his wife on “roid rage”. No, I am not making that up- a Christian metal singer is claiming a nonexistent side effect of exogenous testosterone usage caused him to act violently and impulsively- so violently and impulsively, in fact that he calmly and collectedly attempted to hire another person to kill his estranged wife as part of a fiduciary contract to be executed at some undisclosed point in the future. Generally, I log things like a snap decision to have a cheat meal or to take another crack at a 405 behind the neck push press as “impulsive”. Maybe popping into Texas Roadhouse on a non-carb day for a burger and fries. What I don’t consider to be impulsive, however, is to seek out a contract killer (a process I assume takes more than 45 seconds), meet with said contract killer, hand him photographs of my estranged wife and a list of the places she frequents, and then bargain with him over the price. that, instead, strikes me as methodically, in addition to being incredibly non-violent. An impulsive violent act is randomly punching a person in the face while you’re walking down the street. Haggling over contract details, however, is not. All of that, of course, assumes that “roid rage” is a thing, which it (according to science) is not. Instead, “roid rage” is a boogeyman invented by weak people to demonize the strong. Sheep likely have a similar nonexistent mental disorder ascribed to wolves. Given that Lambesis is a “lamb” it only stands to reason he’d act like a sheep. Even more disturbing here is that I’d recently gotten back into Point of Recognition and was rocking out to Society’s Finest the other day, both of which featured Tim “Ladykiller” Lambesis on guitars. Hopefully, the court will rule Lambesis is too stupid and confused to incarcerate and will instead hand him over to Gorgoroth and Thy Art Is Murder to sacrifice onstage.

Gorgoroth. Not big fans of JC, and their music is dogshit, though they can make the hell of a good video.

Thy Art Is Murder. Their song “Whore To A Chainsaw” should be played while Lambesis is being tortured to death.

Having covered current events, let’s launch into the meat and brotatoes of this Ask The Asshole, in which I shall mock the everloving fuck out of some of the people that email me. Generally, my emails in response to people who take the time to ask me a question are pretty gentle, as I appreciate inquisitiveness. I do not, however, appreciate dumbfuckery, and there appears to be some sort of competition to see who can jam the most dumbfuckery into an email and send it to me without exploding into flames from the hate I send their way. Before I launch into the dumbfuckery, however, I would like to share with you people the best email I’ve received in a while.

I’ve been following you for years but your recent blog about Jón Páll Sigmarsson and Kaz rivalry has prompted me to write you an email.

For a year I have been training at a gym called Jakaból (Giant’s Nest) which is run by Magnús Ver Magnússon. Since the owner is a legend the gym has slowly turned into a nexus of some sort for the local wildlife.Once when I was incline benching an older beast approached me as I finished one of my working sets. He looked, unimpressed, at the weight on the bar and said:

“Kid, I trained around Jón Páll and do you know what he called people who couldn’t incline 185 KG (407 lbs) for reps?”

I replied that I didn’t and he said:

“Faggots.”

His quip was met with murmur of approval from the other lifters present. True or not I thought it was a funny story and so I decided to share it with you.

A: That was awesome.

Now, onto some of the most ridiculous, uninformed, confused, willfully ignorant, lazy, saddie/fattie questions anyone has ever received, and I got these all in the last week.

Q: What are some lifts I can throw in my push/pull day?

A: Military press, push press, behind the neck push press, jerks, bench press, close grip bench press, dips, wide grip bench press, incline bench press, decline bench press, rows, dumbell rows, cable rows, pullups, pulldowns, chinups, one arm chinups, horizontal pullups… basically, anything that is a pull or a push. You know, shit you’d see if you opened your fucking eyes while in the gym and cleaned the shit out of your ears. The aforementioned lifts were only listed to show you how catastrophically, epically, breath-takingly stupid your question was. Were you really confused as to what constituted a push or a pull? Do you have an IQ above room temperature? The fact that you managed to turn on the computing machine you utilized to transmit your insipid question across time and space is astonishing given your apparent low levels of intellectual maturity. Dumber questions have not been asked in elementary school special education classes.

I am not in the business of hand-holding and hope never to receive another question as pantently witless as the one this idiot has foisted upon me. As I’m not an idiot and actually read books, I obtained the vast majority of my training knowledge from a variety of books, most of which were initially “encyclopedias” of lifting. The ones I own/have owned are:

The Arnold Schwartzennegger Book of Bodybuilding (which every lifter should already own. In bygone days, my friends and I referred to it as “The Bible”, and I’ve gone through at least four copies since I started lifting)
MuscleMag’s Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding
Gold’s Gym Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding (which is where I first learned of the Barbarian Brothers- this books is the balls).

Q: So, according to your last article, I’m not even in “Bitch Mode”. I’m not even a person.

How do I become an actual person, and not be a bitch?

A: You missed the entire point of the article- it’s not so much what you do is that you do it, do it hard, and enjoy it. Your generation’s retarded preoccupation with programming is why the lot of you suck shit at everything- you fiddlefuck around talking about shit and never actually do it.

There is no one perfect way.

By virtue of the fact that you’ve asked how not to be a bitch, you’re virtually guaranteed to remain one forever. Instead of forging ahead and trying to figure it out for yourself with a liberal application of ball sweat and testosterone, you’ve decided to sit down, dither, write an incredibly whiny email, and do fuckall. Congratulations. What you need to do is:

Purchase a firearm, preferably a pistol.
Purchase a single round of ammunition in the correct caliber for your new weapon.
Load the weapon.
Place the barrel of your weapon in your mouth.
Savor the taste of the bluing solution and the tang of the metal.
Use whatever paltry strength you have to pull the trigger and pain the walls with your brains.

With any luck, this is what the email writer looks like right now.

I’m really not kidding about the fact that the writer of this email is fucked beyond repair. He will likely live the bulk of his adult life in his parents’ basement and will almost certainly die a virgin, swaddled tightly in his childhood blankie that reeks of failure and self-loathing. To forestall the receipt of another email in this vein, here’s a very simple training regimen:

Monday: Squat and Overhead Press
Tuesday: Heavy Rows and Pullups
Wednesday: Bench and dips
Thursday: Front Squat and Light Overhead Press
Friday: Deadlifts. Go fucking nuts
Saturday: Bench again.

Do whatever rep range suits you. If you’re weak as a kitten, pretty much anything other than the silly bullshit you’re currently doing (i.e. dithering and not really focusing on lifting) is going to work. There is no golden rep range, and no magical number of sets. There is no one volume that will be perfect for every person, nor is there a volume that will be perfect for you every week in a given month. Frankly, there are more questions than answers when it comes to lifting, and you should be focused on the journey, rather than the destination. Without question, however, focusing on details is not the way you get strong initially- it’s the effort that counts at first. You might want to just pyramid down on the big stuff (squats, deads, bench, and overhead press) and go 10, 8, 6, 4, 2 (after warming up) and just go close to failure. Max out when you want. If you want to do the same lift two days in a row, feel free- my point in the book was that I didn’t think doing the exact same thing daily (exercise + sets + reps) was a good idea.

They’d look super sexy in a gas chamber.

I’m starting to wonder the generation called the “Millennials” gets their clothes on in the morning before leaving the house. They must spend an hour trying to decide what underwear to put on, and then have to have a conference with their parents to ensure that 1) their parents still love them after making their decision, 2) that they’re still a beautiful and special snowflake, and 3) they’ve exhausted every possible opportunity to dither, mindlessly debate, create a public exhibition of their stupidity, and 3) dishonor their family in as public a manner as possible. If you’re under the age of 21 and reading this, there’s a reasonable chance everyone who knows you would be happy to see you dead, because they’re sick to fucking death of watching you text incessantly and beg the world for attention and affirmation.

From there, the emails get progressively less stupid. We can still all learn something from them, however.

This has something to do with hernias.

Q: Have you ever had any problems with hernias? I got one a few weeks ago while deadlifting. I went for the PR but I’m afraid I might have gotten the ER instead. It’s not bothering me too much, and I haven’t stopped lifting, but my buddy’s mom, who is a nurse, is urging me to get it operated on or at least looked at. Any advice?

A: I have never had a hernia. I’d have someone look at it and avoid squatting and deadlifting until you get it diagnosed. I’ve no idea how or why you people get hernias with the frequency you do, but it’s disconcerting. Quite frankly, I cannot envision a scenario that would end in me getting a hernia. You guys seriously need to start doing some fucking ab work.

If you have, or think you have a hernia, go to the fucking doctor. If nothing’s bulging, it’s likely a strained ab, but go to the doctor anyway.

Q: I purchased Noopept,Oxiracetan,Aniracetam,Adralin,and Synedrex today via the web. How would you recommend stacking these if you work out in the morning ? The only other supplement I would be taking is Animal Pak.

A: I don’t use the oxi and ani preworkout- I use those for reading, writing, and listening to music. Preworkout, I’ll usually use two Synedrex and 20mg of noopept, then drink a Bang .357 for the caffeine. In re Bang, if you can find it, DO NOT DRINK THE CAMPAGNE COLA FLAVOR. Lemon Drop is awesome, and champagne cola tastes like what I’d imagine cow shit would taste like if you fucked it out of the cow using strawberry flavored lube, and then ate the cow shit off newly laid asphalt. To call that flavor offensive would be like saying that raping a Muslim with a kiebasa is mildly out of line. I’ve used Adralin preworkout but think Synedrex is the better choice, and Adralin works better for intellectual pursuits.

Q: I came across this and I was wondering what you thought about it. I know that you’ve most likely come across this research before but you still drink lots of protein in liquid form.

What do you think?

A:Makes sense. Luckily, most proteins are fortified with enzymes. Additionally, studies have shown that high levels of protein consumption raise absorption rates over time.

Pierre Van Den Steen, just because I’ve not yet used a pic of him. Dude was fucking shredded.

Q: Just wanted to ask your thoughts on something. I’m 19, and got the chance to get my test levels looked at recently. To my abject fucking horror, I found out that my test levels sit at a very uncool 461 ng/dl.

Obviously, I can’t turn to anabolics, but these relatively low test levels probably account for at least some of the reason it’s so hard for me to make lean, muscular gains. Any ideas? Everything I’d read says that median test levels for a man are 700 ng/dl. I’ve read your blogs on increasing test regularly, but just wanted to know if you had any other ideas.

A: Try megadosing D-Aspartic Acid, tribulus, and ashwagandha. 3g of the former, and 5g each of the latter per day, split into two doses. They’re all reasonably cheap, and the former and the latter have been shown in clinical studies to increase test levels. Tribulus has not, but anecdotal evidence seems to support its inclusion in high doses.

… and with that, I’m out. Coming up- jump squats, neck work, and possibly the end to the Indian blog series.

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Jamie Chaos

I am a former all-time, all federation world record holder in raw powerlifting at 181lbs, a record I broke just to say fuck you to the internet’s “lifting” community and the powerlifting community at large. Over the last ten years I’ve written over 500 articles on strength training, nutrition, and supplementation, and continue to do so simply to fight the tide of weakness and sadness that currently pervades the scene I’ve called home for the better part of three decades. I’ve got personal trainin certs, BodyPump and BodyCombat certs, a BA in History and East Asian Studies from the University of Arizona, and MBAs from the Vienna University and University of South Carolina on my side, in addition to some sick lifts and a hell of a lot of rage. What the fuck have you got?

47 responses to “Ask The Asshole: The Flaming Asshole Edition”

Idgit

May 22, 2013

http://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/abercrombie-fitch-ads-re-imagined-as-attractive-fat

I felt like you needed to see this. Fat acceptance and all.
1. Justin_PS
  
  May 23, 2013
  
  If the belly goes past the boobs, then it's totally unacceptable…and hideous.
  
  Fat women with tiny tits are exponentially more disusting to look at.
Glen MacCharles

May 22, 2013

I can remember saving up for Arnold Schwarzenegger's Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding back in high school. I'd been saving up for a while and right when I almost had enough to buy it, I broke a pool cue over my knee after missing a shot in the games room at school during phys ed. I had to replace the fucking pool cue and save up for the book all over again.

The day I finally bought it I didn't even get all the way home before I sat down and started reading it. That was a good book. I made consistent gains for a couple of years after that without reading much else on the subject. I still look at it once in a while.

When I was in college I used to stand on it to do calf raises.
Whiskey Bearfist

May 22, 2013

The champagne cola flavor of Bang 357 tastes pretty fuckin weird, like cream soda mixed with pussy juice of a female transformer. Yea.. that didn't really help its appeal… Whatever, I enjoy it. And they never have berry in stock.

The drummer on that second song is pretty fuckin legit. Cheers to introducing new music. Also, Gorgoroth is hilarious. There's a VICE Documentary about Black Metal and they're interviewing Gorgoroth quite a bit. At one point, the singer, Gaahl, makes them climb an ancient nordic trail to his grandfather's cabin on some mountain.

Here's said vid; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32iX5lbVDto
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  May 23, 2013
  
  Hahaha. Nice. If you like badass drumming, check out Infant Annihilator. I know, triggers, but christ almighty that motherfucker can play fast. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCeRWaIh5Hw
Rant

May 22, 2013

If i was able right now to get to a pc (hate using my phone to write), i'd explain in detail as to why this blog should be compiled into a book called "Fifty Shades of Shit". Just a quickie though, a true "strong" person wouldn't have to resort to taking steroids, and roid rage does exist. Testosterone in pharmacological ranges isn't natural and can indeed cause mental weird shit. And – tribulus, daa and ashwaganda?! Fucking hell! I'm starting to feel like Lyle Mcdonald now, but much, much stronger and better looking.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  May 22, 2013
  
  Roid rage does not exist.
2. Rant
  
  May 22, 2013
  
  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/7830394/?i=2&from=/1456366/related
3. Ben
  
  May 23, 2013
  
  21 Welshmen does not a study make. That's a survey.
4. Jamie Lewis
  
  May 23, 2013
  
  Aggression increases with testosterone. Nothing in that study indicated a predilection toward violence. Congratulations on falling into the modern feminist/pacifist trap of equating aggression with violence. They're hardly one and the same- educated people understand the difference.
  
  In your initial post, you're asserting, I assume, that no truly strong person would take PEDs, correct? They shouldn't consume coffee, take aspirin, wrap painful joints, or eat red meat. I agree. Everyone on Earth, save for our resident yoga-inspired vagatarian Rant, is a truly strong person. you inspire us. Lead us to the promised land.
5. Rant
  
  May 23, 2013
  
  No…i believe i said no strong person would take steroids, the term 'performance enhancing drug' is somewhat broader. An educated person would have understood that.
6. The Verb
  
  May 24, 2013
  
  Rant I don't quite understand your argument.
  
  Strong people would take steroids to get stronger. When your source of income and livelihood depend on performing a task better than others, you would use whatever means necessary. Sure people were strong before, maybe they were stronger. But nowadays things are available, if those things were available back then. People would use them also. Not using something when you have to be the best and everyone is using, is not effective.
  
  Everybody does it.
  Every field.
  People are enhancing their chemistry.
  People are using chemical means to perform better. To direct their body towards their goals.
  
  Testosterone is just the most visibly apparent means of enhancement.
  Something to point the finger at.
  Make a scapegoat.
  Say "at least I dont at"
7. The Blob
  
  May 25, 2013
  
  Aggression increases with sleep deprivation and various other restrictions which are correlated with low testosterone. I'll bet a large fraction of the nerds here will just have a spazz-out any time they try to use their anger to their advantage.
8. Rant
  
  May 25, 2013
  
  @ Verb – i had no argument really. Steroids are just my stick i use to prod Jamie with when i'm bored at work. I thought everyone had got that.
Niel K. Patel

May 22, 2013

"There is no golden rep range, and no magical number of sets. There is no…..it's the effort that counts at first."

And sadly, that still will not sink in for many lifters.
Glen MacCharles

May 22, 2013

The goofs on rosstraining used to swear up and down that the only difference between bodybuilding and powerlifting was simple rep range.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  May 22, 2013
  
  But I bet they all had amazing abs.
Anonymous

May 23, 2013

Starting an Adult/Porn 3D Virtual Reality company, need donations

I am trying to start a small software company that will develop adult/porn 3D interactive virtual reality programs for the new Oculus Rift VR headset.

Right now the Oculus Rift is in development stage, but I need to raise 300 dollars which is the cost of the developers kit, which includes the VR headset.

I'll be very thankful for your donations and will keep you up to date on the progress of our development. Hopefully we will have rendered porn into 3D and have it ready by the 2014 release date.

Email me at virtualrealityfuture@yahoo.com and I'll keep you up to date.

Here's my Bitcoin wallet address, please donate as much or as little as you like. Every bit helps.

12PBCKw3iNxS2aP6jX8X8JP7SQbuCgDs5X
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  May 23, 2013
  
  that was random as fuck.
The Verb

May 23, 2013

Used to be in my youth someone calls you a bitch, you knock that motherfucker down and prove him wrong.

Nowadays, you call a kid a bitch he goes "LOL, I know" Or "how do I not be one"

pathetic.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  May 28, 2013
  
  Oh, not to worry- he wrote me an extraordinarily whiny email today in which he insinuated that my programming was too bush league for him and that I apparently sit on my ass and do nothing all day but make fun of wonderful people.
2. The Verb
  
  May 29, 2013
  
  So asked you for help, then got butt frustrated when you called him a bitch and had a tantrum on you, calling the programing he was asking you for weak.
  
  At least the little poser won't email again.
  Fucking dingleberry that he is.
Justin_PS

May 23, 2013

Why on earth would a company with such a violent, in-your-face-named product, like Bang .357, even conceive of coming up with such a feminine flavor like CHAMPAGNE????

Even the name, "lemon drop," is really pushing it, even if it tastes good.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  May 23, 2013
  
  The president of the company appears to be a mental patient, from the videos he's put online. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpP3NuTwVps
2. Justin_PS
  
  May 23, 2013
  
  THAT'S the guy to start an internet flame war with!
Jamie Lewis

May 23, 2013

I've come to the realization that a lot of professional strength coaches use my methods- they just don't want to look bad by saying they like my stuff. Also, it's not outside the realm of possibility that two people arrive at the same idea independently.
Tom

May 23, 2013

It's as similiar to uncle training as it can be, whilst only being 12 minutes long and at 60% of max.
Penn Tarleton

May 24, 2013

I saw you at a meet in Hickory, NC last weekend. Couldn't help but notice you where pounding down a lot of soda all day. Didn't seem very predator-diet of you. What's the logic is behind the soda?
1. Rant
  
  May 25, 2013
  
  Must have been "Cannibal Cola". Or "Predator Pepsi". Or steroids.
2. Jamie Lewis
  
  May 28, 2013
  
  I like Diet Coke, and as it has no carbohydrates in it, it's keto. I'm not sure what you mean by the logic behind it or "not very predator-diet".
Marcus Reich

May 24, 2013

Dude, you're mighty mite. Have you read the eye of the storm? I think it's one of ringos best.
1. Dread
  
  May 26, 2013
  
  Ever read Ringo's Council Wars series? They were great right up until the massive disappointment at the end of the last book. Others have disagreed with me on that but I felt let down, otherwise the series was fucking excellent.
2. Jamie Lewis
  
  May 28, 2013
  
  Never heard of it. After he switched the Posleen stuff to center on Cally, I totally lost interest in his stuff.
3. Marcus Reich
  
  June 2, 2013
  
  You should give it a try. It's about mike again with a writing style like the first troy rising.
Jamie Lewis

May 28, 2013

So a very lame version of my rest when you're dead program. Nice.
B Cp

May 29, 2013

That guy with low test can totally turn to anabolics, legally. Low test is commonly treated by prescribing various forms of testosterone. That kid should see an endocrinologist about that.

It won't be a dosage above what it requires to get you to a normal, healthy range, but it will still help out a bunch.

Side effects include: Feeling awesome, being super horny, gaining muscle, losing fat, and accelerated growth of prostate cancer if you already have it.
Anonymous

May 29, 2013

I just have a real simple for you type of question:

How the FUCK do I drop the last 10-12 lbs of fat. I've starved myself, I've tried fucking two a days . I've done fasting, IF, the 6 small meal AKA snacks approach, basically everything short of covering myself in the blood of a virgin while praying to the Gods of old.

do you have to smoke crack to lose the love handles and lower back fat!?

Seriously there has to be some kind of secret society in which you murder an orphan to get the trick to this.

Stats are..male, 5`4 inches 149 lbs.

32 years old.

I carry a decent amount of muscle as is..just also carry that bull shit back fat that makes you keep your shirt on all summer long.

Do I completely cut carbs out and try the keto approach ? Wtf
Jippo

May 29, 2013

Hold on. You're reading the blog of a guy who stays lean primarily through the use of keto dieting, which he has addressed numerous times since the inception of the blog (including only 3 weeks ago) and yet you're asking him whether you should keto diet to get lean? Wow…
Justin_PS

May 30, 2013

5'4, 149 lbs male with 10-12 lbs of bodyfat to lose? Decent amount of muscle as is???? Is this a joke or are you in the middle of a sex change operation?
Anonymous

May 31, 2013

Sorry let me rephrase for those of you cock suckers who seem to think that everyone wants to walk around muscle bound.:

I fight MMA, I have to stay semi lean for obvious reasons. walking around 15# heavy as a lot of the guys do isn't fun for me.

Cutting weight to make weight isn't a problem however I can't walk around dehydrated.

Sorry that I'm not a huge gorilla, we all have different goals…would you tell a young many paciao he's in the middle of a sex Change operation? Probably not. He's not a power lifter and that doesn't make him subhuman nor does that make any of you subhuman.

However, what does is the general lack of respect when someone doesn't meet your level of expected knowledge, instead of offering advice you chastise the asker. Might make you feel like you are awesome, but it doesn't bring the newbie any closer to anything.

Remember, there was a time when you didn't know shit either, unless of course Jamie Lewis shit you all out of his body into turds of awesomeness that you all think you are.

P.s.-while certain diet approaches work for some, they might not for others. I might be the exception, not the rule.

So yeah, if anyone has any INTELLIGENT genuine advice or questions I'm all ears. Beat your wives to feel better, ask the asshole is open questions I thought. …bafoons
Jippo

May 31, 2013

Most people get somewhere by TRYING things. How do you think people got lean before the internet? They TRIED things. I still don't understand why you asked if you should try keto dieting instead of just trying it. What have you got to lose? Except extra bodyfat, if you find it works for you.
classicalmechanix

May 31, 2013

Jamie, love the blog, love the training ethos. Here is a thought for you. If HIT guys are "Jedi", how about CnP guys being "Sith Lords" ?

The HIT Jedi vs. the Chaos and Pain Sith Lords.

You can be "Darth Brawl".
Jason Roberts

June 5, 2013

Its "bufoon"…..
Shylifts

June 21, 2013

I work for a certain company and have to do free, online chat consults. I do this every day. People have WAY over complicated things. I blame the way supplement companies advertise.
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October 23, 2017

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