Plague of Strength

Though you don’t know this goofy broad’s name, you definitely fucking should if you consider yourself a well educated sports fan, because she was the female Jim Thorpe/Bo Jackson no one’s ever fucking mentioned to you. Not because she was a lifter, because she wasn’t (she lifted, but it wasn’t what she competed in), or because she’s a better athlete than any of us (many people are), but because she didn’t restrict herself to a single braindead hobby filled with endless pretentious, barely-educated, unjustifiably pompous asses and then act like literal life and death hung in the balance of her daily weightlifting ministrations. Unlike most of you, Babe Didrikson had a bevy of hobbies the scope and breadth of width would likely encompass those of your entire extended family, and she excelled at all of them… likely because she actually enjoyed them rather than just doing them for an image or to fit in with a bunch of nothings she would never meet on the internet.

Babe Didrikson Zaharias (1911-1953) was born in Texas nine years before women could even vote in the US, and in spite of the fact that the fine people of Texas were generally displeased with women speaking in public (nevermind playing sports), Babe went on to pitch in multiple MLB major-league baseball games as the first female Tiger Woods, all while trashing everyone on the planet in pretty much everything for a couple of decades.  And she died rich as fuck but without a high school diploma, as she dropped out of high school to play for the Employers Casualty Insurance Company due to the fact she was such a beast on her high school’s basketball, baseball, volleyball, tennis, golf and swimming teams.

When she married famed pro wrestler George Zaharias, Babe got the raddest bio in history:

“‘Married. Mildred (“Babe”) Didrikson, famed woman athlete, 1932 Olympic Games track & field star, expert basketball player, golfer, javelin thrower, hurdler, high jumper, swimmer, baseball pitcher, football halfback, billiardist, tumbler, boxer, wrestler, fencer, weight lifter, adagio dancer; and George Zaharias, heavyweight wrestler; in St. Louis.’”

Though her career was tragically short due to her death at 45 of colon cancer, Babe utterly dominated the sports world during her life and proved that it’s not enough to be a fucking badass- you need to be an interesting, well-rounded badass who gives zero fucks about social conventions, the expectations of the fans or the press, or the feelings of butt-hurt bitches who like to make rules to keep people from competing rather than just being better themselves.

In the course of her tragically short life, Babe Didrikson did the most implausible things, but they were well documented enough that we know she’s a real person and not a Paul Bunyan-type amalgam of badasses. The list includes such facts as:

• Babe is the only track and field athlete, male or female, to win individual Olympic medals in a running, throwing and jumping event (two gold medals in the hurdle and javelin and one silver in the high jump (her winning jump was disqualified for improper technique).
• she once won an AAU national team track and field competition by herself, winning five events out of ten, tying in a sixth, and amassing 30 total team points to the next best team’s 22- that team basically scored one point for each member.
• SHE PITCHED IN THE MLB.   Over the course of five days in 1934, Didrikson pitched for three different teams in exhibitions (the A’s, the Cardinals, and a minor league team, the Pelicans.  In the last, pitching for the New Orleans Pelicans against the Cleveland Indians, she threw two scoreless innings and lined out in her only plate appearance. Think you could connect with an MLB fastball? Because I know that dog will not hunt if I step up to the plate- I never struck out at tee ball, but it was never outside of the realm of probability (and in golf I have always muscled the fuck out of everything, even when I was small).
• Babe won an AAU national championship in basketball (1931) and three runners-up, as well as a fourth.  They were the chick Dream Team and held the record for most points ever in a national tournament game with 97 and the defensive record for fewest points allowed, with 4.

• Didrikson was essentially the greatest female golfer who will ever live. 
  • She completed the Grand Slam of the three women’s majors of the day: the U.S. Open, the Titleholders Championship, and the Women’s Western Open (making her the highest earner that year) in 1950, and reached 10 wins faster than any other LPGA golfer (one year and 20 days, a record that still stands). 
  • She shot her lowest average and won her 10th and final major WHILE WEARING A FUCKING COLOSTOMY BAG one month after having surgery to remove colon cancer.  And then, dying with colon cancer after it resurfaced, she won her last two majors just months before dropping dead of gut rot. Fuck Tiger and his bullshit bitch injuries- this broad out-Tigered Tiger with stage four cancer..
• She was the first woman to attempt to qualify for the PGA. In 1938, Babe became the first woman to step on the course with the boys, entering the all-male Los Angeles Open, the first event on the Professional Golfers’ Association calendar. Though she didn’t make the cut, she was the only broad to set foot on the pristine grass of those obese pasty-white slow movers until Annika Sorenstam gave it a shot in the oughts.

“When once asked how she managed to produce monster 260-yard tee shots in golf, she replied, ‘I just loosen my girdle and let the ball have it.’”

• Didrikson still held the world record for the longest baseball throw by a woman as of 1971 (it looks like she still has it, but I’m not going to kill myself looking) with a throw of 296 feet, using a baseball weighing slightly more than today’s ball (they now weigh about a third of an ounce less than when she made the throw in 1931 (Willoughby 312).
• she also set the long drive record with a 327 yard effort at age 19 (Willoughby 312).
• Babe was a beast of a pool shark (though she publicly lost a multi-day straight pool match to the first woman to compete in a major pool tournament and the world pocket billiard tournament)
• she acted in at least one film with her husband, a thick-necked 6′ 235lb pro wrestler named George Zeharias (who quit the biz to manage his badass wife)
  • she married him because he was the only man she’d met who could out-drive her, calling to memory the story of the Mongol princess Khutulun (who would only marry a man if they could defeat her in wrestling).
• Didrikson released at least one song in that slow-ass, creepy, Hillybilly-as-fuck twangy style of country that sounds like music Appalachian serial killers masturbate to.  Here’s her “hit”:

• Babe made a shitload of cash on the vaudeville circuit after the Olympics, singing, playing the harmonica, and crushing golf balls into the stratosphere. Doing this, Babe regularly raked in $1200 a week, which was considerably more than the average yearly salary for women in America at the time (Campbell 94).
• and just because, she also kicked ass at diving, roller skating, boxing, bowling… and sewing. In fact, she sewed most of her own golfing outfits and was considered a fashion icon as a result.

Be better tomorrow than you were today. Every fucking day. Otherwise, you’re just another dull motherfucker standing in my way.

This shit is entirely DIY and mostly self supported. If you’ve got it like that and would like to throw me something for the effort, I’d be much obliged. Every penny you spend goes towards physically and metaphorically crushing the fucking weakness out of every single person who comes into contact with anything having to do with me.

Join the fight against mental and physical weakness- mash the fuck out of that button, and let’s verbally lump some motherfuckers up.

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Sources:

Andrews, Evan.  10 things you may not know about Babe Didrikson Zaharias.  History.  22 Aug 2018.  Web.  12 Oct 2020.  https://www.history.com/news/10-things-you-may-not-know-about-babe-didrikson-zaharias

Babe Didrikson Zaharias.  Wikipedia.  Web.  12 Oct 2020.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babe_Didrikson_Zaharias

Campbell, Jean S.  Woman as Workers: a statistical guide.  Washington : U.S. G.P.O., 1953.

George Zaharias.  Wikipedia.  Web.  12 Oct 2020.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Zaharias

Willoughby, David. The Super-Athletes. Cranbury: AS Barnes and Co, Inc, 1970.

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