Rebuttals are Fun, and Not Just Because They Include Asses

Jamie Chaos

February 28, 2010

Hate mail fucking rules. The following is not intended to dissuade anyone from sending me hate mail, as it is generally amusing as hell to read. Instead, the following is intended to address specific recurring themes, or shit that’s been posted in the comments, that I felt was worth of a reply.

In re Justin James:

This is a hilarious hotbutton issue for you guys. Much of the hate email I get is actually directed at him, rather than myself. As such, I’ll start there.

The emails I’ve been getting about Justin range in intensity from brutal to catastrophic, but they’re pretty much summed up in this excerpt:

“What is your boy J.James’ major malfunction? If I were to post something on transcendental meditation whilst fisting oneself, that dude would probably know something about it and would post a plethora of responses. He knows everything. Fountain of Youth, Meaning of Life…if someone has a question about any of life’s mysteries, this fucker is posting his viewpoints on it. The keyboarding diarrhea has got to stop, man.

CnP is your philosophy. I understand the guy is the web guru or whatever, but my Christ, he doesn’t know SHIT outside of anything you’ve said. I appreciate your philosophies, but I refuse to be mindless, chubb-huffing drone. If you told him to deepthroat a five-pound dumbbell in hopes that it would yield a jump in his shrugs, he’d do it.”

Fucking brutal. While this loyal CnP adherent does have some points, he’s missing a major one- Justin’s donating a shitload of time and effort to create and administer www.chaosandpain.com. As such, he’s earned the right to post shit on the site. While his opinions occasionally vary wildly from my own, he’s got a pretty fucking interesting take on my training philosophy. That said, his musings are not strictly CnP- they’re my training and diet methodology seen from a risk-averse, parental, easy-listening perspective. Certainly, that’s not particularly palatable to a large percentage of hooligans, but it is a testament to the fact that my methodology can be adapted to even the most antithetical perspectives to my own. As such, you fuckers will just have to deal with it. Yeah, he writes like some sort of ultra-money grubbing version of Charles Dickens, and has no conception of brevity or conciseness in his writing, but he’s passionate and works for free. If you hate him, he can handle it, and he’ll probably write unbelievably lengthy responses to your posts, just to fuck with you. At the end of the day, if you want the unadulterated extreme shit, come to me. if you want the minivan version, go to him. Either way, suck it the fuck up.

In re my “PMS”:

There’s a hilarious segment of my blog’s readers who apparently revile me for my opinions, and want me to stick to the topic. Guess what? It’s my blog, and the topic’s whatever the fuck I say it is. That segment of the population decries my rants and attitudes, which is fucking awesome, because they’ve evidently failed to read the single greatest fucking book a man could read- “The Alphabet of Manliness.” As such, I’ll post a selection for these humorless, sensitive motherfuckers.

“I is for Irate.

Irate: Man’s default- and only- emotion. Men are always Irate: sometimes for good reason, and sometimes for no reason at all. not to be confused with being moody, which is what women become at least once per month, any time you want to take a leak off a bridge, or any time you want to have sex, which happens to be 100 percent of the time. So, in other words, being moody is a woman’s natural response to men being irate, because God forbid a woman do anything unless it’s in response to, or in obstruction of, something a man is doing.”

Given that I’m perpetually pissed off, my “condition” could hardly “be described as male PMS”. Furthermore, given the stupidity, lack of general education, and humorlessness that pervades modern American society, I’ve got a fucking lot about which to be pissed, so go fuck yourself- if you dislike my opinions, I guarantee I know a chick with a clit bigger than your fucking cock.

Stick that in your back pocket.

In re veganism:

Given that I’ve already dealt with veganism in my “Skinny Bitch” blog, I’d think that vegans would stay the fuck out of my blog, but evidently, that’s not the case. Disliking meat is unamerican, inhuman, and downright fucking stupid. For the record, my issue is not with vegans due to their choice of diets, which while stupid, could simply be the result of a misunderstanding of the human being’s place in the food chain, and an odd, quasi-sexual love for other animals. My issue lies with their insistance upon proseletizing their idiotic eating regimen, and the perpetuation of outright lies in regards to human biology, the biology of other great apes, physiology, the entire process of digestion, and human evolution. As such, allow me to clarify a few points.

Veganism is the outgrowth of the incredibly delusional, anti-sex, anti-fun, evanglical Christian movements of the 19th century. Seventh Day adventists promoted vegetarian and proto-vegan diets as a method of “purifying” themselves and making themselves asexual. This, on it’s face, is fucking stupid. They’ve since dropped their religous zealotry and applied that wild-eyed fervor to promoting their dogmatism, in the face of science and reality in general.

If you call using gear and washing down dozens of eggs a day with gallons of milk a vegetarian, you’re an idiot.

Some common vegan/vegetarian lies:

“Andreas Cahling, Bill Pearl, Steve Reeves, and Tony Gonzalez was/are vegetarians.” A simple google search will show that for all intents and purposes, Pearl and Reeves consumed diets that consisted mostly of milk and cheese. Pearl ate a couple of dozen eggs a day. Reeves ate meat regularly. Tony Gonzalez quit veganism within one season of attempting it,finding it left him too weak to perform.

“Meat putrefies in your intestines.” Really? If you don’t see that this is patently untrue on its face, you might be mentally retarded. “The total time it takes for a meal to take the entire journey depends on what was eaten. The time it takes to fully digest a meal is anywhere from 2 hours to over 24 hours.” (http://www.online-health-source.info/Digestive-System/Intro-To-The-Human-Digestive-System/) We’ve known for an extended period of time that meat does not putrefy in one day- in fact, meat takes nearly a month to rot.

“Humans are evolved to be herbivores.” This one is classic, and by classic, I mean insanely fucking retarded. “Like the hard-core carnivores, we have fairly simple digestive systems well suited to the consumption of animal protein, which breaks down quickly. Contrary to what your magazine article says, the human small intestine, at 23 feet, is a little under eight times body length (assuming a mouth-to-anus “body length” of three feet). This is about midway between cats (three times body length), dogs (3-1/2 times), and other well-known meat eaters on the one hand and plant eaters such as cattle (20 to 1) and horses (12 to 1) on the other. This tends to support the idea that we are omnivores.

Herbivores also have a variety of specialized digestive organs capable of breaking down cellulose, the main component of plant tissue. Humans find cellulose totally indigestible, and even plant eaters have to take their time with it. If you were a ruminant (cud eater), for instance, you might have a stomach with four compartments, enabling you to cough up last night’s alfalfa and chew on it all over again.

Or you might have an enlarged cecum, a sac attached to the intestines, where rabbits and such store food until their intestinal bacteria have time to do their stuff. Digestion in such cases takes place by a process of fermentation–bacteria actually “eat” the cellulose and the host animal consumes what results, namely bacteria dung.” (Straight Dope) You know why dogs are man’s best friend? Because their digestive tract is more like our own than any other animal on Earth. As such, humans and dogs naturally found themselves competing for the same food, and developed a symbiosis to do so. By the way, evolutionary scientists draw a direct link between meat eating and expansion of homo sapiens’ brain size- ” was this new meat diet, full of densely-packed nutrients, that provided the catalyst for human evolution, particularly the growth of the brain, said Katharine Milton, an authority on primate diet.

Without meat, said Milton, it’s unlikely that proto humans could have secured enough energy and nutrition from the plants available in their African environment at that time to evolve into the active, sociable, intelligent creatures they became. Receding forests would have deprived them of the more nutritious leaves and fruits that forest-dwelling primates survive on, said Milton.

Her thesis complements the discovery last month by UC Berkeley professor Tim White and others that early human species were butchering and eating animal meat as long ago as 2.5 million years. Milton’s article integrates dietary strategy with the evolution of human physiology to argue that meat eating was routine. It is published this month in the journal “Evolutionary Anthropology” (Vol.8, #1).” (University of California, Berkeley)

Just because you can do something does not necessarily mean you should. Some fucking retard posted a pic of a single jacked guy who’s been a vegetarian for a few years. Yippee. He managed, against all odds, to build muscle on a vegan diet. That’s not to say that it’s a good idea, or a good diet. Peter the Great once drank a shot of vodka every 15 minutes for 8 days straight and somehow lived through it. Shall we attempt that one as well? Frankly, I’d rather do just fucking that.

In re “common sense”:

The common sense assumptions of the average American mean less to me than does the existence of Cheetos, which is to say, less than none. A 2009 poll showed that “The poll also finds that only 62 percent of respondents believe that President Obama was born in America. Of the 38 percent who either don’t believe or are unsure, some think he was born in Indonesia, Kenya, the Philippines, or France. Six percent of the total poll respondents also don’t think Hawaii is a U.S. state.” A 2006 poll showed that “early one-third of young Americans recently polled couldn’t locate Louisiana on a map and nearly half were unable to identify Mississippi.” “The study by the new McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum found that 22 percent of Americans could name all five Simpson family members, compared with just 1 in 1,000 people who could name all five First Amendment freedoms.” Additionally, “15% of Americans don’t know that the Earth revolves around the sun. Half of the people in the United States (an allegedly “Christian Nation”) can’t name Genesis as the first book in the Bible.” As such, I could not fucking care less when some fucking asshole from the internet impugns my common sense. If anything in the US is common, I want no fucking part of it.

In re my choices of Baddest Motherfuckers:

Despite the fact that the Weather Channel’s predicted sunny skies, it’s been really fucking whiny outside after my Bronson and Defendis posts. Apparently, they’re bad role models, due to their occasionally poor life decisions. guess what? I don’t fucking care. Bronson has to be handcuffed with four pairs of handcuffs at a time, because he’s so strong, he’ll snap double pairs of them. Plus, he fucking held a man hostage for a sandwich, which means he’s got a sense of humor. if you don’t think that’s awesome, you fucking suck. Recently, some whiny pussy bitched about Steve Michalik, who was not even the focus of my Defendis blog. Michalik’s recanted his gear use, and is now a “shadow of his former self.” Guess what? I don’t fucking care. The man was a fucking loon who lived in dirty, shredded sweats and did nothing but train for the bulk of his life. He was clearly deranged. His ideas, though, led to the development of Defendis’s methodology, which is awesome. Every single human being who has ever lived has positives and negatives in their persona. if you cannot discern that, you’re a fucking moron, and incapable of logical thought. Read a fucking book about anything at all, and then have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

… and for the record- whoever’s clicking hackneyed, you’re a fucking joke. there’s not a single fucking thing on this blog that’s hackneyed, except for the following:

Your mom.

I only hate when I’m awake… but I’m glad you motherfuckers are hating while I’m sleeping. Loving the hate!

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Jamie Chaos

I am a former all-time, all federation world record holder in raw powerlifting at 181lbs, a record I broke just to say fuck you to the internet’s “lifting” community and the powerlifting community at large. Over the last ten years I’ve written over 500 articles on strength training, nutrition, and supplementation, and continue to do so simply to fight the tide of weakness and sadness that currently pervades the scene I’ve called home for the better part of three decades. I’ve got personal trainin certs, BodyPump and BodyCombat certs, a BA in History and East Asian Studies from the University of Arizona, and MBAs from the Vienna University and University of South Carolina on my side, in addition to some sick lifts and a hell of a lot of rage. What the fuck have you got?

27 responses to “Rebuttals are Fun, and Not Just Because They Include Asses”

Brian

February 28, 2010

There's an ultra-money grubbing version of Dickens? Oh Noes!
Hope people keep hating on your blog so you can keep posting good stuff like this and generally crushing people's egos.
I assume you've watched the Bronson movie? Its pretty good.
Jippo

February 28, 2010

I actually chatted to the man on a few occasions during my 3 year stint as a prison officer at HMP Woodhill. The man was actually very intelligent and humurous, the only reason i ever saw him get aggressive is when some of the more senior officers treated him like a "cunt with down syndrome". Like i said, amusing bloke 🙂
Zidane Valor

February 28, 2010

This reminds me of something George Carlin said, "Think of how dumb the average American is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that."
Sean

February 28, 2010

Michalik got run over by a fucking dump truck and was told he'd probably never walk again. He had someone carry him around the gym so he could at least workout his upper body. After being paralyzed for a few years he regained use of his legs and went on to compete again. Steroids or not, that's pretty badass.
Glen MacCharles

February 28, 2010

I don't care if Steve Michalik was on steroids. Shitty hole in the wall gyms (which are the only commercial gyms worth training in) are full of retards taking mega doses of steroids who suck at every exercise there is other than bench presses, preacher curls and leg presses and even that's only if they've still got balls enough to be bothered training their legs at all.
Anyone who claims that success in lifting is based on genetics and juice is a pussy. It's based on a consistent and borderline suicidal intensity and work ethic. Not that a pussy could ever fathom or understand what thet even means.
I think hate mail is hilarious. I've even had my wife and kids insulted because of some fag disagreeing with me online. The Internet brings out the balls in even the biggest goofs.
Anonymous

February 28, 2010

Haha, you've got quite a few hackneyed marks on this one.
Jamie Lewis

March 1, 2010

Hahaha. The internet ONLY brings out the balls in the biggest goofs.

Jip, you're the fucking man. At some point, we'll have to go hook up with the Chelsea firm, get pissed, have a kabob and a fight, and then go reconquer Sealand.

The second I posted that shit about the hackneyed comment, I knew you motherfuckers would start clicking away. Fuckers!
Jamie Lewis

March 1, 2010

By the way, I didn't much like the Bronson movie- I thought they spent way too much time making him out to be insane, and ignoring his sense of humor.

As for the Michalik story, that's fucking awesome.
Jippo

March 1, 2010

Haha that's actually a very accurate description of a saturday night here in merry old london town. There are some horrendously dodgy kebab joints around the east end, you can almost smell the food poisoning. Probably one of the main let downs of the UK (other than the dogshit weather) is the quality and variety of food. You guys are lucky.
Anonymous

March 1, 2010

About J.James:

Thats a rough letter you quoted there, Jamie, hahaha, but funny… 🙂

However, I enjoy some of his contributions, he definitely is a smart guy, but when he writes he is probably as far away from the literal meaning of a "Chaos & Pain Hooligan" as is possible. He is more like a "Rigid Structure & Damn, I`m a little sore from my workout yesterday bean counter".

That being said, some people like structure, numbers and strict diet & workout plans, and I think for those people he does a great job translating your chaotic musings.
Jamie Lewis

March 1, 2010

Jip-
You ever seen Snatch? Great quotes about England. "England: Bad food, worse weather, Mary Fucking Poopins. England." My favorite is:
(At customs in the airport)Do you have anything to declare?

Yeah. Don't go to England.

Hahaha. As to the anonymous post after that one- exactly what I was getting at.
Jippo

March 2, 2010

Haha yeah awesome film, i'm surprised not brits really get the cockney/gangster genre that's cool. If you liked snatch there's a couple more of the same style that i'd recommend: Lock stock and two smoking barrels, football factory, the business, human traffic, rise of the footsoldier (this is a pretty brutal film based around real events) definitely worth checking out.
Jamie Lewis

March 2, 2010

Football Factory is why I want to be a Chelsea hooligan, haha. Way fucking better than Green Street Hooligans. Lock stock was awesome, the business was ok, and rise of the footsoldier was pretty fucking good. I've not seen human traffic, so I'll have to check that one out. Lucky Number Slevin deserves a place in there- awesome fucking movie, in my opinion.
Jippo

March 2, 2010

Yeah green street pretty much sucked balls, the guy who played a hobbit as a hardened football hooligan? Give me a break, the man looks like he's constantly about to cry haha.
Anonymous

March 3, 2010

I don't know that you're a much better role model; but, apparently people keep coming back to worship your junk … or hate on it. Either way – what's the old mantra? "All publicity is good publicity!"

Either way, is Justin James creaming himself cause you wrote about him in a blog? LOL
Anonymous

March 3, 2010

Justin James = attention whore who likes to see his own shit in print.

I don't think the "loyal CnP adherant" who wrote that letter missed a goddamn point, Jamester…I think you did. Who gives a fuck if he designed a site for you? Isn't the site supposed to espouse YOUR stuff?

Fuck his effort. Effort should be in the gym not behind a keyboard, you hackneyed motherfucker!!!!!
Anonymous

March 3, 2010

"fuck his effort" You sir, are a dip shit.
Anonymous

March 3, 2010

Dipshit = one word.
Dray

March 4, 2010

I just pressed hackneyed to spite you.
Anonymous

March 4, 2010

Dipshit might be one word but Dip Shit is two

FAIL

Hit Hackneyed 'cause I'm a hater – Bitch
Jamie Lewis

March 4, 2010

According to a poll I just made up, only .017% of the population can define "hackneyed".
Jamie Lewis

March 4, 2010

By the way, if any of you assholes are worth a shit at Photoshop, I will attempt to enlist your help on a project. Email me at jamielewis83@gmail.com.
Anonymous

March 5, 2010

Hackneyed – lacking originality.

Alternate definition? This particular blog entry. Technically, it is. Responding to hate mail (albeit, funny), is not very original. Especially on a blog. HAHAHAHA

Koalas rule.
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