Como estas, bitches? Happy Thanksgiving and all of that happy bullshit. We’ve got more questions, my fuckers, and I’ve got more answers than you can shake a shit-covered stick at.

Q: One of the big no-nos for years was ingesting caffeine, in any form, while on creatine. Essentially, it was said that for the time you were on it, no soda, coffee, tea chocolate, or caffeine supplement. Then, about 4 years ago, “new studies” emerged that debunked it. So, I always rationalized and because the “new studies” said it was okay, I didn’t give up my beloved coffee. I never really got anything notable from creatine. It didn’t matter the brand or the type (monohydrate, ethyl-ester), it didn’t matter if I loaded or did not. I did, however, get seven cavities at the age of 24, after never having had one in my life, from taking Cell-Tech. Seriously, is all that damn sugar necessary?

Anyway, last winter, I decided to do it right. I detoxed for 3 days on caffeine. I did a four-day creatine loading, then stayed on it for 6 weeks. It was creatine monohydrate, powder form. I think it was the most successful creatine usage I’ve had.

So what’s the friggin’ deal?

A: No, that sugar’s not necessary, unless you’re in the market for some type 2 diabetes. Quite frankly, I think creatine is a massive fucking waste of money, unless you’re doing a glycogen supercompensation. The evidence supporting creatine shows that it gives strength benefit of one to two reps on high rep exercises. For strength training, I’ve found it to be less efficacious than assiduous adherence to a masturbation schedule that’d make the biggest D&D nerds on the planet blush. Yeah, that’s right- I think jerking off promotes greater strength gains than creatine consumption. My proof? Me. There’s no clinical evidence to support this theory, because no one in sport science academia is cool or interesting enough to even suggest such a study, much less conduct one. My motto, though? “Three times a day keeps Hormone Replacement Therapy away.”

Eat red meat. It contains creatine (2 grams per lb of uncooked meat), B vitamins, protein, and manliness. Its consumption makes vegans weep and the girlfriends of pussies miscarry every time a whole cow is eaten.

As for the caffeine thing, I think that was mainly a placebo effect, quite honestly. All of the empirical evidence I’ve seen shows that the diuretic effect of caffeine fades as your tolerance grows. There’s even an MD article on it this month (incidentally, that is now the only bodybuilding rag I read. the articles are well written and research, and it has no Mentzer-esque bullshit in it- yeah, I’m talking about you, Ironman fuckfaces). Like most non-prohormone supplements, theres’s more conflicting evidence surrounding the efficacy and usage of creatine than there is on Anderson Cooper’s sexuality. Use it if you want, but it’s certainly far from imperative.

BANANARAMA.

Q: I’ve never gotten any pump from an NO product. Is there any particular benefit I’m really missing out on by just sticking to pre-workout coffee?

A: No. NO products are marketing hype backed by theoretical evidence and hope- nothing more. There is absolutely no anecdotal or clinical evidence showing that NO products improve performance or increase muscular hypertrophy in any way shape or form. I take Methyl Mass because it’s got caffeine, taurine, and Propadrol in it, not because of it’s NO properties. I mean, I like being vascular, but that hardly justifies the $3 per serving pricetag.


Q: What is your opinion on arginine, orinthine and ZMAs? A lot of the recommenations on when to take them and how (empty stomach vs. with food) vary and even after extensive research, nothing is concrete.

A: Dan Duchaine wrote about Arginine and Ornithine in his seminal work, Body Opus, which I highly recommend. Know what that stack is? NO. That’s all it is. He recommended that 20 years ago as a way to increase vascularity. That’s all it does… nothing more.

As for ZMA, I typically have no trouble sleeping, provided my level of stress isn’t insanely high. I don’t have any real use for it at all, and thus haven’t experimented much with it. i take Universal’s Animal Pak right before bed though, so I figure that contains all of what you’d have in a ZMA stack anyway. I sleep like a fucking baby on quaaludes and have awesome zombie apocalypse nightmares at will. If that’s any indication, ZMA will work like a fucking charm. that, or you can simply take a multivitamin like a regular person. Either way.

Q: Is high-carb protein powder (Cytogainer, by Cytosport) okay as a post-workout shake during a keto run? Are there really pronounced differences between higher carb powders and low-no carb powders?

Although the good people at T-Nation say it’s ok, I don’t fucking with any carbs on my keto runs. My postworkout meals consist of Oh Yeah bars. 12g of carbs will do me just fine postworkout on keto runs. The difference between high carb powders and no carb powders is the high carb ones are weight gainers and the no carb ones are merely protein powders.

If you want to waste your money on protein powders with carbs in them, you might be better off just purchasing a tack hammer and smashing your dominant hand with it or something. At least then your waistline would remain intact, and you’d look like less of a fucking retard. You want carbs in your protein shake? PUT IT IN CHOCOLATE MILK. People who can’t gain weight fall into two very distinct categories: people with AIDS or some other wasting disease, and people who don’t eat enough. Dave Tate has a good article on weight gain on T-Nation. Check it out.

“For dinner you’re gonna order an extra-large pizza with everything on it. Literally everything. If you don’t like sardines, don’t put ’em on, but anything else that you like you have to load it on there. After you pay the delivery guy, I want you to take the pie to your coffee table, open that fucker up, and grab a bottle of oil. It can be olive oil, canola oil, whatever. Anything but motor oil. And I want you to pour that shit over the pie until half of the bottle is gone. Just soak the shit out of it.”

By the way, for any of you who think you can’t gain weight, I’d suggest you head over to Uno Chicago Grill for a Deep Dish Chicago Classic Pizza. The individual pizza has 2310 calories, 99g of protein, 120g carbs, and 165g of fat. One of those every now and again and you’ll have to gain weight- no regulars at Unos look like they’re moonlighting as extras on Schindler’s List. .

Q: Are there any particular supplements that help with actual strength or is that concept too far-fetched?

A: Steroids.

Q: What supplement do you recommend for shedding bodyfat? I know diet is crucial, but anything extra to get rid of extra, pesky flab?

A: I feel as though I’ve addressed this question multiple times, but some of you are a little slow. that, or you don’t hang on my every word, as you should. In any event, yes, there is a supplement I recommend for shedding bodyfat.

Fat cells contain two types of adrenoreceptors(Any of several reactive components of effector tissues most of which are innervated by adrenergic postganglionic fibers of the sympathetic nervous system and are activated by norepinephrine, epinephrine, and various adrenergic drugs.): A2 and B1. Unfortunately, fat cells don’t get much blood circulation (which is one of the reasons they’re so fucking hard to shrink in the first place), so it’s noradrenaline that attaches to these receptors. B1 receptors activate lipase, which is an enzyme that breaks down fat. Noradrenaline activates them, as that can be transported by capillaries, which are the only blood vessel in fat. Adrenaline can only be carried by major arteries and veins. A2s, on the other hand, are fucking shitheads, and not in an amusing 2girls 1cup kind of way, but in a “we little fuckers encourage the formation of triglycerides in the cell and block lipase” kind of way. Additionally, they block the generation of noradrenaline at the nerve sites, which means that the B1s can’t do their job as well. They’re the kind of receptors you wish you could drag out behind the shed and beat the shit out of them with a stout bit of wood, like a recalcitrant retarded child in the good old days of child rearing. Instead, however, they leave us with a little parting gift- low calorie diets increase the number of A2 sites. Fuck my life, right? Know where these little beauties are mostly located? In your stubborn fat sites- for most guys, the spare tire around your waist, and for most chicks, the ass and thighs. I say “most”, because Biochemical Individuality means that we’re all unique and special individuals, so Howard Stern ends up with an ass that he describes looking like a “trash bag filled with cornflakes”, while some chicks end up looking like an apple on a couple of toothpicks. Clearly, their respective A2 sites are more like those of the opposite sex. (1)

Activating B1 sites is easy- you simply stimulate your CNS and generate a release of noradrenaline, which will then increase lipolysis, along with creating an according increase in heart rate, blood pressure, and body temperature. That’s right- if it doesn’t make you sweaty and jittery, it’s not working. The best B1 activators are, in descending order of effectiveness:

  • Clenbuterol (half life of 34-35 hrs)
  • Mabuterol (20 hrs)
  • Ephedrine (3-4 hours)
  • Albuterol (2-6 hrs)

To increase the effectiveness of any of these B1 activators, Duchaine and others have long recommended caffeine and aspirin. Caffeine is a methylxanthine, an alkaloid used as a stimulant and bronchodilator. This chemical badass has the ability to inhibit phosphodiesterases within the cell, which is important, because that means that they can enhance the effects of physiological processes dependent on cAMP or cGMP (like fat loss, the effects of Viagra, and a wide variety of other awesome shit). It’s also been shown to have the ability to prevent some re-uptake of norepinephrine, which is good for fat loss because norepinephrine stimulates B1 cells. In essence, it makes everything that’s awesome about ephedrine even more awesome, and tells fat to go fuck itself twice, then punches fat’s mom in the face and fucks his sister.(2)(3)(4)Aspirin is also a badass sidekick for ephedrine, in a gun-toting-Bucky, rather than a Robin in a leather-suit-with-nipples Robin, sort of way. It’s a prostaglandin inhibitor, which is important because certain prostaglandins, rat fucks that they are, inhibit lipolysis and are produced in response to adrenergic stimulation.(2) Thus, it’s good shit to throw in on top of ephedrine and caffeine.Other good shit to add to the mix:

  • Yohimbe. I actually had some fucking retard return some yohimbe the other day after reading on the internet that it was a male potency herb, and that it wouldn’t work for fat loss. This goes to my point that people suck, and the vast majority should be rounded up and sent to camps. Yohimbe is the only herb that one can buy that will block the uptake of noradrenaline in the A2 receptors I mentioned earlier. that means it will keep the A2 receptors from storing fat and generally acting like assholes, which is pretty important. Additionally, yohimbe is a vasodilator that will improve blood circulation and improve the hardness of your hardons, so it’s generally good stuff, no matter what uneducated assholes on the internet might assert to the contrary.
  • Theobromine. A methylxanthine like caffeine, it works on the same metabolic pathway, only more subtly, since it’s less potent.
  • Evodiamine. Evodiamine is an extract from a Chinese herb called Wu-Chu-Yu, and though there is no empirical evidence showing that it is effective in humans, clinical studies on rats have shown that it increases body temperature and reduces fat uptake. It’s apparently even more effective with a high fat diet, so keto dieters should jumpa ll over it.
  • Grapefruit Extract. Grapefruit extract contains a substance that’s illegal to purchase by itself, called narangin. Narangin is a flavanoid extracted from the rind of grapefruit that increases the potency of other substances ingested with it. As such, caffeine and ephedrine will be more effective when ingested with Grapefruit extract.

Clinical evidence shows that “ephedrine and caffeine taken in a 1:10 ratio (20 mg ephedrine : 200 mg caffeine) creates effects greater than the sum of the two drugs added together” and that “maximum effectiveness is achieved when taking 20 mg ephedrine with 200 mg caffeine and 300 mg aspirin three times a day about one half hour before meals.” I’d tinker with the dosage on your theobromine and yohimbe, but I recommend going easy on the theobromine initially, and dosing your yohimbe at 3-10g a day.

Off the shelf fatburners I like, in order of awesomeness:

  • Stimerex-ES: Badass fatburner with 25 mg of ephedra and 100 mg of caffeine. Stacked with Methyl Mass, this shit is awesome. Proprietary Blend: 510mg Consisting of: 25 mg. Ephedra Extract (leaves), Acacia Rigidula Extract (leaves) (methylsynephrine), (Yielding 125 mg Phenylethylamine Alkaloids: B-Phenylethylamine, N-Methyl-B-Phenylethylamine, and R-beta-Methylphenylethyanine), Theobroma Cocoa Extract (Seed), Phenylethylamine HCL, Citrus Aurantium Extract (25mg Synephrine), Green Tea Extract (leaves), Yohimbe Extact (bark), Naringen (fruit), 6-7 Dihydroxy bergamottin (fruit). Caffeine (anhydrous) 150mg
  • Lipodrene. made by the same mad scientists who cooked up Stimerex, Lipodrene’s a little less “exciting”, but still will wake you the fuck up and knock the shit out of bodyfat.
    Proprietary Blend
    Ephedra Extract (leaves), Acacia Rigidula Extract (leaves) MethylSynephrine (Yielding 75mg Phenylethylamine Alkaloids including: B-Phenylethylamine, N-Methyl-B-Phenylethylamine, and R-beta-Methylphenylethyanine) , Phenylethylamine HCL,, 25mg Synephrine HCL, Theobromine, Green Tea Extract (45mg ECGC), Hoodia Extract (cactus),Cassia Nomame Extract (plant), Naringen (fruit), 6,7 Dihydroxybergamottin (fruit), 5-Methoxytryptamine HCL, L-5 Hydroxytryptophan, Yohimbine HCL
  • Mix n Match. The last option is to go to the drug store and get Bronk-Aid from the pharmacist. Those are 25 mg tabs of ephedrine and guaifenesin, which has also been shown to aid fat loss. Throw one of those down the hatch with an aspirin and a caffeine tab, and you’re off to the races.

That’ll do it for this installment of Ask the Asshole, though I’ve got a shitload more questions to answer, which I shall do ASAP.
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  1. Duchaine, Dan. Body Opus. Pp. 158-160.
  2. “Pharmacological Approaches to Fat Loss Targeting Beta_andrenergic Recptors.” http://www.mesomorphosis.com/articles/haycock/ephedrine-and-beta-adrenergic-receptors.htm
  3. Wikipedia. “Xanthine.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xanthine
  4. Wikipedia. “Phosphodiesterases.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phosphodiesterases
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