Ask The Asshole #5

Holy fuck, you guys are filled to the brim with questions. Before I get going on answering this round, I’d like to reiterate that what works for one person will not necessarily work for another. Thus, I think Paleo is the way to go, but paleolithic people have a fairly wide variation in their macronutrient profiles worldwide. Thus, combining paleolithic nutrition with metabolic typing is a better bet. Eat what suits you best. Likewise, what works for one guy in the gym will not necessarily work well for another. That’s not to say that brutal full body workouts are not essential, but rather the workload (total volume) and training loads (percent of one rep max) that work best for different people will vary. Furthermore, I think that it’s absofuckinglutely essential for you to lift in a manner that you enjoy. Thus, if you love lifting heavy all fucking day long, DO THAT. you’re going to make far more progress lifting in a manner that you enjoy than you will lifting ina manner you find boring or generally unpleasant. If it’s your bleeding vagina that’s keeping you from lifting heavy, though, and not simply an abject hatred of grinding out endless singles, hike up your fucking skirt and lift some heavy shit.If I ever meet this chick, I’m abandoning the lot of you for her and her Crossfit crew. I might even run, if she insisted.
And now, without further adieu, your questions. Remember, there’s no such thing as stupid questions… just stupid people.

Q: During keto runs, is it ever appropriate to get some fast-digesting carbs in directly after the workout? A: No. Like I stated in my last AtA, I personally don’t use post workout carbs during keto runs, outside of an Oh Yeah bar on occasion. Warren Willey in Better Than Steroids recommends a most workout meal consisting of a whey protein shake, with only 4g of carbs for a person eating 3000 kcals a day, and 2g for a person on 2000 kcals. (pp. 84-86) Duchaine echos this sentiment in Body Opus, and he recommends even staying away from leafy green veggies, as they might throw you out of ketosis. That is a bit extreme, in my opinion, but that’s just me. For a person unused to keto dieting, and who is not already under 10% bodyfat, the only good carb is a nonexistent carb. I can get away with more dietary shenanigans because I’m already lean- and that’s a good motivator for you disgusting fatbodies in cyberland to get your asses into shape. High bodyfat isn’t useful for anything other than making you more buoyant- you look like dogshit, and your strength to weight ratio will suck more than the whores in a Max Hardcore video.
Q: Sugar and carbs ups the insulin after a workout. A lot of the literature out there today says to down a Gatorade or sports drink directly after the workout and to have the pw protein after that, when protein receptors are primed. Is this propoganda? Is the whole sugar-after-the-workout stuff fallacy? A: The PWO carbs are a good idea when not in a keto run, as the insulin release the carbs cause is highly anabolic, and insulin is a direct agonist to cortisol. Insulin has also been shown to increase blood flow to the muscles by increasing NO synthesis (but this is not to say that NO products will get you hyooooge, no matter what the overly tanned douches at your gym say). Most sports nutritionists recommend a 2:1 ratio of carbs to protein, and are all about fast acting carbs like sucrose or maltodextrin. Fructose doesn’t create the same spike in insulin, so fruit’s not a terribly good PWO carb.
Q: One version of a keto diet said instead of doing the three hour cheat window, to forego carbs from Mon-Fri night, then to carb up from Friday night thru Sunday. Thoughts? Is it just a matter of preference?A: That’s a Body Opus style keto run, and one that is fairly well recommended. I’m personally not a fan of such a lengthy carbup, and prefer to have a balls-out cheat window than a weekend of carbs. I’m not a huge fan of carbs, and I’m a protein type according to Metabolic typing, so I find that the 3 hour window suits me better than the weekend. This is not to say, my fuckers, that everyone should do what I do. We all have differing metabolisms, and food affects us both physically and psychologically in different ways. I’ll post a blog all about metabolic typing in the near future (though that’s going to be a bitch and I’ve been putting it off for the better part of a year), but in the meantime, check out this website and take the test to see what metabolic type you are. That’s hardly a comprehensive test, but it’ll give you some idea of your ideal macronutrient ratios.Q: Are you throwing down for Thanskgiving and eating everything in sight? Is your meal/dessert your cheat window?A: I ate anything and everything on Thanksgiving, and I intend to do the same on Christmas. Life’s meant to be lived, for fuck’s sake. If you’re worried that you’re going to derail your progress, bust your fucking ass all week in the gym and take a full day cheat meal. Eat as many calories as you can that day. I bet you feel fucking awesome the next day. I intend to diet fairly hard until Xmas, leaning out after my mini-bulk that I’ve conducted for the last month. I’m teetering on the brink of 200 lbs right now, which is fully 15 lbs heavier than I’ve ever been before, so it’ll be interesting to see what I look like at Xmas.
Q: I was hoping to get a run down on what your diet is like, as I can’t seem to follow it. Seems like you do keto runs with a cheat window on tues and friday nights. I am guessing those cheat windows are what you use as carb ups? That’s how I am following it so far, but recall you saying to limit the fat intake on the carb loads.A: You’ve pretty much got it down pat. I’ll run low/no carb three day runs for most of the week, with moderate carb days punctuated by a cheat meal. It’s not rocket science, and it’s by no means the only way to go- it’s what works for me. I think that carb and calorie cycling is a great idea, since it allows you to build muscle and drop fat gradually, rather than focusing on one thing or the other for lengthy periods of time.

Cycling rules.

Q: How many fucking calories are you getting a day man? 5lbs chicken wings a day is something like 5500 cals, and didn’t you say eat a slight deficit on non cheat days? If that’s on track, your metabolism is through the damn roof.A: I’ve never seen any reason to count calories, since everyone’s metabolisms are different, and those calculators give you what amounts to an average metabolism. I think you’re better off trying different calorie levels throughout the day, and determining whether or not you’re in a coloric deficit by your level of hunger during the week. I know I’m in a deficit on a keto run by the fact that I’m insatiably hungry by Wednesday night, which is why I typically take a cheat window that day. Additionally, given the fact that I take fatburners like they’re going out of style, and ketogenic diets are far more thermogenic, in addition to the fact that my level of weightlifting intensity chumps just about everyone else of whom I’ve ever heard, those metabolic calculators are about as much help to me in designing my diet as a flareup of genital herpes would be in helping me get laid.
I’m pretty sure you can get herpes from looking at a picture of Courtney Love. You’re welcome.
Q: I wanna give this a try, but wasn’t sure of the specifics, namely regarding the saponins and protodioscins(sic). What should my 4g of trib a day look like in terms of such details, and do you suggest any particular brand for it’s price per dose and dose per pill? If it matters, I’m already taking the Vitamin Shoppe Longjax blend, which I’m sure you’re familiar with.

Also, where do you get your chicken wings, what brand are they, and how much do you pay? I can’t seem to find a deal worth a shit on them to justify eating them nonstop all day.

A: I recommend Vitamin Shoppe Tribulus. Not the Tribulus Pro they sell under their BodyTech brand, but the tribulus in the herbs. It’s $12 for 100 pills at 625mg per, and though it’s only 20% saponins, you still get saponins at 10 cents a gram, vs 36 a gram in the BodyTech stuff. A buddy of mine scored bulk Trib on eBay, but he describes it as smelling like dead turtles, which cannot possibly be good. As he’s a bad motherfucker and even he can’t choke it down, I’d recommend that you encapsulate it yourself (you can buy kits to do that on Bulknutrition.com) or simply buy it in capsules to begin with. As for the wings, I either buy them at publix or food lion, in the 4.5 to 5 lb packs. They’re even cheaper at wal-mart. I don’t buy the frozen ones in bags, as they’re usually no cheaper, and they’re a pain in the dick to defrost. i can’t be bothered to wait around while that’s occurring, as I’ve got shit to do.

Q: I’m doing modified paleo now (whey/milk/creatine added in the form of shakes), and once my body has adjusted to and reaped the benefits from the diet, I might try adding 5 day keto runs with a weekend carbup. How do you handle pre and postworkout nutrition with such a limited number of carbs? Do you save them for this specifically? The only cheap low/zero carb shakes I can find are the ones from walmart that taste like having the devil blow a load in your mouth.

A: I’ve pretty much covered this by this point, but to recap, I make sure I get 30-80g of protein preworkout (huge fan of CNP Pro Slam, Lemon-Lime flavor) and the same postworkout. As for which protein in particular, anything that’s low carb. Wal-Mart sells inferior versions of good sports nutrition products, reformulated with cheap ingredients. That’s why they’re so cheap. I’d recommend either buying shit online or hitting up Vitamin Shoppe or a local supp store. Stay WAY the fuck away from GNC and Vitamin World- they’re populated by people near enough to retarded as makes no diference, and they’re pricey as hell.

I’m pretty sure this guy works at the GNC in the King of Prussia Mall.

Q: I’ve tried CLA in the past, without significant results. After reading into it, I found that you have to stay on it for a while to see results and it needs to be stacked with other supplements. Thoughts?A: I suppose there are more worthless supplements, but I’m having trouble thinking of any off the top of my head. Pyruvate, maybe? That’s nearly as worthless. Save your money for sometyhing that works. CLA might work, but its ultr-mild effects are hardly worth the cost.
Q: What’s your deal with taking Animal Pak before bed? Aren’t you supposed to take it before lifts? Do you even read the directions, Jamie?!? What’sa matter witchoo?! A: I take Animal Pak before bed with my bedtime shake/meal. There’s no real reason to do so except that they smell like hot trash and a dead hobo, and they make anything into which you put them smell the same. Thus, they are not terribly portable. As to whether I read the diretions, no, I don’t because it’s a multivitamin and I’m not mentally retarded. If I felt as though it was necessary to read the directions on a multivitamin, I would put the oven on clean, wait for it to get good and hot, and then put my head in it until I felt death’s sweet embrace. Q: There’s a lot of evidence that says mixing casein in with whey as a PWO shake promotes more growth and strength gains. For hardgainers, it’s recommended to take casein before bed. I’ve had pretty good results with it in terms of gaining. Yay or nay?A: There’s no such thing as hardgainers. There are pussies, though, and I’ve heard they love drinking warm milk before bed. you might want to give that a shot, and maybe one day your mommy will let you wear big boy pj’s to bed.I recommend mixed-source proteins all day, every day. I’m not a big fan of whey, as it’s deficient in calories, is in and out of your system too quickly, leaves you hungry as shit shortly after eating it, doesn’t taste particularly good, and doesn’t really resemble real food in any way. Instead, I like shit that continually releases into your system over time, so that you have a steady uptake of nutrients over the night. Additionally, I’m a HUGE fan of leaving a premade shake next to the toilet at night, so I can slam a mid-sleep shake while taking a leak. My choice for nighttime protein is Matrix 5.0, but I think Muscle Milk and Syntha 6 are good choices as well. All of you ON protein marks take a look at your Pro Complex label and you’ll see you’re getting fucking robbed- that’s pretty much a whey protein blend (Whey Protein Isolate, Glutamine Peptides, L-Leucine, Egg Albumin, Whey Peptides, L-Isoleucine, L-Valine) you’ve paid $15/lb for. Suckers.
And this concludes our broadcast day.

Again, just because. Did I mention this broad is 44? Maybe there’s something to Crossfit after all…

Hahahahahahaha. Bros before hoes, and lifting like one, lol.

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