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Ask The Asshole: Comic Book Edition + Hotties And Nootropics
I get asked questions so random that a group of ninja specops guys would need years to find the secret nazi machine necessary to decode the code that would unlock the rhyme and reason behind the questions. In any event, the questions occasionally provide a nice break from mocking sundry fat people (if you think my commentary on Capes is a bit stiff, wait until I start in on Rulon Gardner) and this has proven to be a highly entertaining exercise, at least for me. In any event, my comic book heyday likely predated most or all of your collective comic book experience- I started reading comics a great deal in the 5th grade, when I had the ability to ride my bike to places that sold them. At that point, it was a weird time in comics- the Comics Code was still in effect, but both Marvel and DC were paying less attention to it. For those of you who are blissfully unaware of the comic book industry’s self-censorship period, allow me to explain- in the 1950s, comic books were getting far too awesome for Christians. As such, people in American states who thought that the banjo was an acceptable medium by which they could convey a musical message started burning comics, apparently in an effort to promote the illiteracy for which the Bible Belt is so famous. After watching massive piles of comics get burned by psychotic hillbillies, the comic book industry decided they’d just censor themselves, and really went balls-out with it. The rules they set forth, as summarized by the good people at Wikipedia, were the prohibition of
“the presentation of “policemen, judges, government officials, and respected institutions … in such a way as to create disrespect for established authority.” But it added the requirements that “in every instance good shall triumph over evil” and discouraged “instances of law enforcement officers dying as a result of a criminal’s activities.” Specific restrictions were placed on the portrayal of kidnapping and concealed weapons. Depictions of “excessive violence” were forbidden, as were “lurid, unsavory, gruesome illustrations.” Vampires, werewolves, ghouls and zombies could not be portrayed. In addition, comics could not use the words “horror” or “terror” in their titles. The use of the word “crime” was subject to numerous restrictions. Where the previous code had condemned the publication of “sexy, wanton comics,” the CCA was much more precise: depictions of “sex perversion”, “sexual abnormalities”, and “illicit sex relations” as well as seduction, rape, sadism, and masochism were specifically forbidden. In words echoing the Hollywood Production Code, love stories were enjoined to emphasize the “sanctity of marriage” and those portraying scenes of passion were advised to avoid stimulating “lower and baser emotions.”
In other words, if it was cool, anti-authority, scary, bloody, or in any way badass, it was disallowed. that left very little for anyone with an imagination and a love of excitement to work with. By the mid-Eighties, however, comic book companies were starting to take risks, and even the odious DC comics got gritty for about five minutes. By the early nineties, comics were understandably at the height of their non-golden age popularity, and a number of Marvel’s titles were revamped with the most popular artists at the helm (basically, the guys who went on to form Image) to push popularity even higher. they got a little big for their britches, however, and started putting out multiple versions of the same issue with slightly different covers to capitalize on the fact that people were at that point collecting comics as an investment. that, of course, backfired, and the glut of comics on the market, combined with declining quality as comics were rushed to print, caused a crash of the industry that left Marvel bankrupt. At that point, my interest in comics flagged for a while, and I’ve only periodically gotten back into them when interesting artists or story lines emerge. In short, most of you guys will likely have never heard of the shit I’m about to recommend, and you may well fall asleep as I nerd it up hardcore.
Though this has nothing whatsoever to do with comics, it’s hilarious:
Who are your favorite comic characters and why?
Before I get started on what my favorites are, I need to address Wizard’s top 200 comic book characters, 2008. For those of you who got laid in high school and had more friends than you could count on a single hand as a youth, Wizard is a magazine devoted to the world of comic books, and as such is pretty much the final word in comics. As such, this list comes as something of a surprise, as it’s incontrovertibly wrong, in almost every regard, past the first seven entries. This list could probably suck more, but it’d be hard to do. I’ll just give you guys the top twenty, as it’s long as fuck and consistently horrible, especially as the numbers get higher. There are “heroes” on this list so obscure they make the random references of Dennis Miller seem downright banal by comparison, and most of the list appears to just be filler. Nevertheless, here’s their top 20:
1. Wolverine– Granted.
2. Batman– Granted.
3. Spider-Man– Granted.
4. Superman– Granted. I’ve always found Superman to be the least compelling superhero on Earth, but for people without a scintilla of backbone, I’m sure the magical Superman empowers them. Somehow. For those of you who are unaware, Superman was inspired by a book I love entitled Gladiator. The protagonist in Gladiator is a complex character, hardly invincible, certainly not a Boy Scout, and more of a Juggernaut-style bad guy gone good than a dithering bitch-style Superman. Whereas early on in the comic Superman echoed Gladiator’s darker, more philosophical tone, and Superman had only the abilities of the Hulk with a greater intellect, we all know that Superman later became more of a god than a super-strong humanoid. A very whiny, uncompelling, unquestioning, vapid, soulless god. As such, the original incarnation would have made for a far more interesting character. Instead, we’re given a goody-two-shoes bitch who has every power under the sun and only serves as a cautionary tale against letting downtrodden pussies write for comic book companies.
5. The Joker– Absolutely.
6. Rorschach– I’m not a 100% on the Watchmen bandwagon, but Rorshach’s a character worth paying some attention due to the dialogue in the Watchmen comic. Were he a real person I would meet on the street, I’d bounce his head off every hard object I could find and toss his body off an overpass, because moralistic psychos are hardly what the world needs more of. Nevertheless, his general brand of insanity does lend itself nicely to the page.
7. Captain America– Frankly, I’ve never liked Cap, but he’s an American icon and pretty integral to Marvel. I’ll let it slide, but I’ll go on record saying the only more boring character in the top ten is Superman, and not by much.
8. Hellboy– Debatable. Mike Mignola is perhaps one of my least favorite artists, however, so my opinion is biased. I lump Mignola into the same camp of heavy-handed, overhyped, painfully simplistic, imaginationless artists as John Romita Jr., Sal Buscema Sr., and Steve Dillon, which for me made Mignola’s books completely unreadable. I’ll accept it in the top ten, however, as it’s an Image comic, the movies were decent, and my personal bias against his particular brand of shitty artwork colored my opinion of the writing.
9. Magneto– A bizarre choice and generally shit. If Magneto had ever been written correctly, every human on Earth would be dead and the X-Men comics would basically be mutant hentai. I have no problem with that, either.
10. John Constantine– WHAT THE FUCK? Constantine was well-written, granted, but it was barely a comic book- it was an illustrated novel. Constantine has as much right to be in the top twenty list of comic book characters as Oscar Pistorius has for being “Boyfriend of the Year 2013”. Moreover, the movie managed to place an American golem in the role of caustic-witted, chronically overtired, and occasionally hilarious Brit John Constantine, which shows how much respect the world at large has for his character.
11. The Thing– Sweet jesus christ. Let’s get this straight- the Fantastic Four are, without question, the worst pack of do-nothing, shit-powered, useless, whiny, badly-drawn fucktards in comic book history. The Thing was perhaps the worst of the bunch- he was a semi-literate juggernaut who should have been wrecking shop 24-7, yet was bound by the strictures of his lame-assed superhero quartet to do nothing more than give Sick Of It All a badass song title. When he could have been a perfect amalgam of the Hulk and the Punisher, he was instead a weepy, rock-faced, shitbird in the single worst comic book not named “Dazzler” of all time.
12. Snake-Eyes– Definitely.
13. Kitty Pryde– How in the fuck did she make the list? In a group of individuals whose powers range from teleportation to invincibility to shooting earthquakes out of your hands to an unimpenitrable arm-plated body on a Soviet super-soldier, the emotional broad who can turn to vapor when shit gets real is at the top of the list? Christ almighty, even fucking Jubilee was a more compelling character than goddamned Shadowcat- at least that broad could set shit on fire and was somewhat punk rock. If I were to rank the X-Men from first to last, Kitty Pryde wouldn’t make the top twenty of that list, and would likely find herself at the end of a long list of shitty, lazy comic book characters that include… Dazzler.
14. Jesse Custer– Preacher might have been drawn by the same spastic who later went on to make Frank Castle look like a half-starved hobo, but Jesse Custer is badass nonetheless.
15. Wonder Woman– Had the original incarnation simply kept getting ramped up ad infinitum until modern WW comics were nothing but femdom torture porn, I’d be on board. As they’re not, fuck WW in her unused asshole.
16. Lex Luthor– Meh.
17. Morpheus– Sandman sucked, Gaiman is awful, and everyone at Wizard should be sad.
18. Doctor Doom– Should have been WAY higher on the list.
19. The Hulk– Granted.
20. Miracleman– Never heard of him. I researched him to discover that he’s a Captain Marvel (i.e. Superman) knockoff, and thus sucks even harder than Superman.
Apparently, the Red Skull was based on actual events.
My top ten? Glad you asked, as it’s a damn sight better than the shite Wizard has given us.
1. Wolverine– Short, ultra-violent, bloodthirsty, and generally irascible, he’s the ultimate anti-hero.
2. Batman– Basically, Batman at his best is Wolverine without the claws. At his worst, he’s your average shitty DC character, which is to say, your average DC character. DC has done more to create bland, useless, almost laughably bad comic book characters than NAMBLA has done to cause fecal incontinence in our nation’s youth. In fact, were NAMBLA to artfully smear the feces from the anuses of their young boy lovers across a page, they’d likely match the artistic quality of your typical DC book prior to the hiring of the entire Image artist stable to restore some semblance of artistic credibility to the publisher.
3. Lobo– Like the other two, he’s a asshole who’ll kill anything in the galaxy that’s not a space dolphin, though he’ll do it with far more fervor and hilarity. At some point, DC will get off its ass and make an “R rated” Lobo movie that will either go down in history as the greatest film ever made or Green Lantern 2, which would put it at the other end of the awesomeness spectrum.
4. The Joker– Not much needs to be said about the Joker- he’s the ultimate villain and one of the very few things DC’s ever done right. Equal parts insanity and sadism, the Joker’s only real failing is that he was in the DC universe rather than Marvel, which meant that he’d never be used to his full capability.
5. Dr. Doom– Given that he’s the main villain for the odious Fantastic Four franchise, you’d think I’d avoid Dr. Doom like he was the little-known fifth member of the tragically useless “Fantastic” Four. Doom, however, is a super-genius king-scientist-magician with delusions he could expand his tiny kingdom into worldwide domination. He’s every Eastern European despot who’s ever lived, only less successful at spreading his particular brand of evil over the Earth than Russia’s current beady-eyed death dealer, Vladimir Putin. Had Dr. Doom ever been capable of being wedged into a Todd McFarlane-penciled Spiderman comic, he’d be ten times as popular as the Joker at this point, and would be as quotable as he was awesome at not doing much of anything worth talking about in any Marvel comic, ever.
6. Venom– As a kid, I bought the Secret Wars comics off a kid who used to sit at the back of my schoolbus- a kid I thought was a total badass. I was, of course, eight years old, and about as well-qualified to identify a badass as Christina Aguilera’s tone-deaf ass is capable of identifying a talented singer. Nevertheless, I was able to see the advent of the black Spiderman costume as it happened, and was incredibly psyched to see that badass garb make its way back into the comics four years later, even after Peter Parker killed his black suit harder than an eight year old at a track meet. For those of you who don’t get how cool the debut of the black suit for Spidey was, it’d be like seeing an affable but homely Will Ferrell return for another season of Saturday Night Live looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger, all the while managing to be even funnier than he had been initially. It’d be like Slayer following up Reign in Blood with Pantera’s Mouth for War. In short, it was the coolest fucking thing that could happen in the life of a 6th grader. Venom never disappointed either, showing up under Todd McFarlane’s pencil as a jacked, slobbering, juiced-up, psychotic Spiderman clone. Fucking awesome.
7. Pitt– Pitt is perhaps not-terribly-well-known, but is a super-sweet Image series created by the best artist to ever draw the Hulk- Dale Keown. Like other image comics, the story never made any fucking sense, the issues were always delivered late, and everything but the art was phoned in harder than Robert DeNiro’s lines in the lates Fokkers sequel, but the splash pages were fucking epic. Pitt was a badass alien who protected a kid named Timmy from something or other- the plot never mattered for shit. Pitt beat and gored everyone who got close to the kid in the book, and the art kicked fucking ass. Like Marius Pudzianowski in the cage, it was all aggression and no technique, and it fucking worked. Ten thumbs up for Pitt.
To be fair, Jim Lee could make Kenny G look fucking cool.
8. The Punisher– As a libertarian, I have trouble backing a character who consciencelessly mowed down jaywalkers as if they were crack dealers… and who devoted himself to supporting a legal system based on a set of laws so arbitrary they make the rules in the Bible seem downright well-reasoned. In any event, he had badass branding, the storylines were crazy violent even in the Comics Code era, and Jim Lee made him look so cool you couldn’t help loving his comics.
9. The Stalkers– Alright, it’s not one character, but this comic is definitely the best comic of which you’ve never heard. Set in a dystopic future and drawn (with the exceptional couple-page horror show perpetrated by Val Mayerik) by one of my favorite artists of all time, Mark Texeira, and written by the guy who went on to give SciFi fans nerdgasms with the Battlestar Galactica TV show. the series only lasted a year, but it was a badass year filled with vigilante, privatized paramilitary police battling very well-spoken domestic terrorists. If you can find these books, pick them up- they’re fucking amazing.
10. Red Skull– A Nazi terrorist with the coolest henchman of all time, Crossbones. The Red Skull managed to make Captain America comics tolerable, which is a hell of a feat.
WAKE UP MOTHERFUCKERS! Sofia Jaramillo demands your attention.
Who are your favorite artists and writers?
Frankly, I never really gave two shits who was writing the comics, provided the art was good. I was never really a fan of Chris Claremont and generally tried to avoid shit he wrote, but other than that the writer was a non-issue for me. My favorite artists are, in no particular order:
Mark Texeira– Tex, as he was known, became my favorite artist when he started drawing Punisher War Journal in the 90s. His art was far more dynamic and gritty than anything else in comics at the time, and I stuck with him even after he started drawing Black Panther, who is perhaps my least favorite comic book character. He’s not working in the industry now, to my knowledge, but his stuff is worth grabbing if you can find it.
Philip Tan– I found Philip Tan after having purchased every book I could find drawn by Frank Teran. I was looking for further artistic inspiration, and googled “artists like Frank Teran”, and out popped Tan. Unfortunately, the story lines Tan’s drawn have usually sucked, but his art is pretty fucking awesome.
Frank Teran– Frank Teran is, as I discovered after looking for similar artists, one of the most reviled artists in the comic book industry, apparently because the people bitching never had a chance to have their eyes raped by the hacks who learned to draw by badly copying Rob Liefeld’s work, which was of course a terrible copy of Jim Lee’s stuff. Teran’s stuff was gritty and often grotesque, and was as such right up my alley. he now maintains a blog with sketches and works in the gaming industry making art for video games, as I understand it, but if you ever find his work in Punisher, grab it- the art’s fucking amazing.
Simon Bisley– Biz is another oft-maligned for being too fucking awesome artist, best known perhaps for his work in 2000 AD. I got into Biz because he did the art for three of the first issues of Verotik (Glenn Danzig’s defunct, yet infuckingcredible comic book line)- Death Dealer, Satanika, and Jaguar God. All three of those books were incredibly drawn, ultra-violent, and contained a fair amount of sex, which is all any growing boy needs. His stuff seems to be heavily influenced by the inimitable Frank Frazetta and drugs, and that combo’s working swimmingly for him.
Todd McFarlane– The man who revolutionized comic book art and saved Spiderman from becoming the joke that Superman is. Not much needs to be said about McFarlane- he changed the way Spiderman was drawn by making him far more dynamic and interesting, invented Spawn, gave us the fairly badass Spawn movie and the only movie in which John Leguizamo was even slightly tolerable, popularized my personal favorite style of comic art (overwrought, over-inked, dark, grotesque, and basically awesome), co-founded Image, and founded the coolest toymaker in history. Todd McFarlane also gave the world Greg Capullo, who went from copying the styles of Jim Lee and Rob Liefeld to copying McFarlane, and their work (as you can see above) is completely indistinguishable. Frankly, that’s a good thing, because Mcfarlane’s stuff kicks ass.
Ben Templesmith– Templesmith’s famous for being the artist half of the Templesmith-Niles team that brought the world the gritty and often incomprehensible vampire series 30 Days of Night, and the movie of the same name. 30 Days is to Twilight what Re-Penetrator is to Warm Bodies– violent, dark, and not safe for work. Though Templesmith would suck as an artist on a traditional superhero book, he’s great for stuff that can be a lot weird and occasionally terrible.
Jim Lee– Lee did for the X-Men what Liefeld did for X-Force and McFarlane did for Spiderman- he took a book with flagging sales but an amazing pedigree and completely revitalized it. Though most of his splash pages consisted of people standing in impossible poses, frowning and clenching their fists, he inspired a lot of great (and even more godawful) artists to enter the field. After throwing in the towel at Image, Lee reentered the big two to do for Batman what he’d already done for the X-Men, and Batman’s comics were worth looking at again.
On a side note, one cool thing about the image founders- Lee, Liefeld, Larson, Portacio, and McFarlane, is that they all lifted at work when they worked at Image. I don’t think they kept up with it, and I don’t recall reading anything about awesome gym-going exploits, but I thought it was cool they had that as part of their corporate culture, given the fact that they made their money off heavily muscled bodies.
What are your favorite comic story arcs?
Lobo: “Highway To Hell”– What could be better than a mini-series written by Anthrax’s Scott Ian? A comic book miniseries starring Lobo, drawn by Sam Keith (whose style is very similar to Biz’s), written by Scott Ian. In it, Lobo travels to hell to beat the shit out of Satan (who appears as a little girl in a party dress) because Satan killed a space dolphin. there’s nothing more to tell you about the plot- that’s it. Lobo kills a shitload of demons and beats the brakes off Satan to avenge the death of one of his beloved space dolphins and to prove, once more, that he’s the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy.
Punisher #94-95– Like most of the series I love, this is just an all-out brawl with awesome art. Frank Teran pens this all-out brawl pitting the Punisher and a huge, scarred mob enforcer named Grisham against a warehouse full of underground pit-fighting deathmatch enthusiasts. Over-hated and under-rated, these are the two best issues of any Punisher comic, ever.
Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious and Batman/Lobo Elseworlds– In the former (drawn by Sam Keith), Batman and Lobo end up on the same interstellar cruiser, kidnapped, and team up to fuck up some baddies. In the latter (drawn by Simon Bisley), Lobo gets hired by the Joker to take out Batman, and the two go head to head. Again, good art, good old-fashioned rassoodock ultra-violence with no appy polly-loggies, and badass characters.
Secret Wars– This was my favorite mini-series growing up. It’s basically a full-tilt war between all of the Marvel heroes and all of the Marvel villains, and it can pretty much serve as an encyclopedia for the whole Marvel roster in the mid-80’s. Plus, you get to see the advent of Spider Man’s black costume, which is awesome. Witness the birth of Venom!
Good looking out on the Noopept suggestion- that stuff is the shit. As I have finals looming, do you have any other suggestions for stuff that might help?
First, let me preface this with a rejoinder to the parties who have speculated that I receive some sort of sponsorship from supplement companies- that is utterly fucking retarded. I recommend shit from multiple different companies, none of whom give me anything more than a hearty “fuck you” for doing so. Does anyone actually think a company wants me as their public face? If so, they’re likely guitarists in Syndrome of a Down. They’re also likely fans of Rant’s blog, as retardation and yoga seem to rule the day there.
Synedrex– Though this stuff is technically a fat burner, it has a bunch of the stuff a growing brain needs, including stuff that goes great with Noopept. Namely, it contains Sulbutiamine (which improves memory, lowers inhibitions, and reduces depression) and 1,3 Dimethylamylamine (DMAA), which increases alertness.
CTD Labs Adralin– This product is the balls. CTD created it to be an over-the-counter replacement for Ritalin, and as such it’s the best companion for Noopept money can buy. I like the inclusion of Vinpocetine and L-Huperzine A as well- those are two little additions that could provide a nice boost.
Two you cannot get in supplement stores but can get online:
Aniracetam– This is another member of the racetam family that seems to improve perception, both visual and aural. I add it to my noopept daily.
Oxiracetam– Another racetam, use of this one in studies “lead to higher scores in tests for logical performance, attention, concentration, memory and spatial orientation” (Wikipedia). This is another one I add to my daily stack.
There you have it. The guys badgering me about comics can now chill their tits, and the rest of you can look at the tits and chill.
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49 responses to “Ask The Asshole: Comic Book Edition + Hotties And Nootropics”
Have you read any of the new (2011) Venom series? http://images.comiccollectorlive.com/covers/7df/7dfdbfc3-6947-4b39-a33d-677ac741063e.jpg
It's the Greg Plitt version of jacked and juiced up
That's the one where he's an ultraviolent version of Captain America, right? It's not bad, but not awesome, either.
Thanks for the previous Prince of Thorns suggestion, books were awesome.
Some suggestions.
The old black and white Conan magazine comics – He would womanize and chop people up and the story usually ended with him going head to head with a massive demon.
Fall of Cthulhu miniseries – I didn't know what to expect when I downloaded this but the story is amazing. A game of thrones among the gods.
Red Lanterns – new comic, unlike the green lanterns they base their power on hate. The whole lantern saga has been kind of interesting the past couple of years although it's getting stretched pretty thin lately.
Punisher MAX? Punisher MAX. I'm shocked and appalled it wasn't mentioned. Shocked. Appalled
(Also Judge Dredd.)
How do you afford all these supplements? It seems like you ain't all always the richest guy around.
It becomes a matter of prioritizing purchases. We'd rather buy all the supplements in the world and wear the same stank-ass shorts to the gym every day.
Not having a social life also helps.
All this talk about nootropics – have you seen Examine.com and their database table thingie?
Yeah. I'll leave that to the kids on reddit who call themselves bodybuilders and only do shit supported by peer reviewed studies- you know, the guys who know jack shit and lift even less. I've forgotten the main offender's name for that. He claims to be some sort of an expert and wears an ill-fitting suit jacket in most of his youtube videos.
Eh? I'm part of Examine.com, and we … literally have zero YouTube videos.
Not to mention, we don't cover exercise, so not sure what you are talking about …
Jamie what brands of Oxiracetam and Aniracetam do you take?
I use Smartpowder.com's stuff.
Thanks Jamie
ever read any "the boys"? seems to be the sort of stuff that you'd either say that you love or that it's absolutely motherfucking stupid even though other people would think that you'd love it.
"The Boys" is a good comic. I think Bill Butcher would be right up Jamie's alley.
I didn't collect comics as a kid until it was announced that Superman was going to die. That seemed culturally significant to me at the time, so I collected that entire arc. Being that I'd never read a comic book before, I had no idea they were just going to bring him back. Even to my 11 year old self, that just seemed pointlessly fucking stupid. I also realized that when you have a character as powerful as Superman, one needs to pit him against either very powerful foes, or foes that are willing to take advantage of his rather dopey character traits. To me, that's really quite boring.
I didn't pick up another comic until my friends started reading Preacher. I had no idea that comics existed without super powered characters. That really opened things up for me, and then I was handed Watchmen.
I read more of Moore's stuff, but only V for Vendetta, From Hell, and the League books were interesting to me.
I'm also a fan of Garth Ennis. Well, mostly. Jennifer Blood was godawful stupid, but The Boys, Crossed, his Punisher work, and of course Preacher are solid.
Moving to more traditional comics, I always liked Batman. I mean, who doesn't? No super powers, just a lot of hard work, training, and rage. I recall at one point I read a book where Batman fucked up the Predator with a baseball bat. Where to even begin with the good Batman story arcs…I guess the one I read most recently that I liked was The Black Mirror. Anyone else check that out?
I'd never read a Punisher book until very recently when someone told me about the Punisher MAX line. Reading those books gets me in the mindset needed for heavy squats.
I could go on and on for a damn long time, so I'll end by saying I also love Berserk. It's obviously not American, but I don't think that should exclude such an excellent book.
fuck yes, berserk is all kinds of awesome. and is also something that jamie would probably like a lot.
now that i think about it, might as well give a small rundown of both comics for anyone who might be interested.
the boys takes place in a "normal" modern superhero setting, where the supes exist, but are artificially created, and are not only used as a cash cow for the people who make them, but are also mostly completely insane and amoral. the eponymous boys are the small group of people who keep them in line, often with extreme amounts of violence. the series itself follows the newest addition to the group, recruited shortly after an incident where his girlfriend is killed during a fight between a supervillain and a member of the top superhero team, as he learns his way around the real nature of the whole superhumans business, as well as the personal stories of his fellow team members and their old enmity with the same top hero team that offed his girlfriend. lots of violence, sex and scheming ensue.
berserk on the other hand is a dark fantasy manga (HUGE emphasis on "dark"), following a swordsman called "guts", who was taken in as a baby by a mercenary band after being found under the hung corpse of his mother. raised as a mercenary himself, and having had to train with adult-sized swords as a kid, guts grows up as a fucking huge warrior with an even huger sword (which he wields one-handed a fair amount of the time) and a bad temperament that dwarfs both by a few orders of magnitude. after killing a particularly nasty opponent during a castle siege, he gets scouted by another mercenary band, led by a would-be ubermensch called griffith, and ends up joining them and campaigning with them for a time, until a certain chain of events leads to the involvement of demonic forces and starts guts' vengeful quest to find griffith and kill him. lots and lots and LOTS of violence ensues in the most badass ways imaginable.
Did someone say Doom?
http://s17.postimg.org/adz1noi5b/doom_does_as_he_pleases.jpg
Gigantic Nerd Boner!
Jamie, I got a few recommendations for you:
1) The new Valiant comics line. The best series is "Bloodshot" a character that is part Terminator, the Punisher, Rambo, Universal Soldier, T-1000, Robocop, Jack Dempsey, and Jason Bourne. The story is basically about a dude whose blood is filled with nano-machines which evolve and that make him jacked, super strong, super fast, allow him to communicate with all electronics and machines, heal from any wound in seconds (at the beginning of the comic he is blown apart by a scud missile), take on the voice and image of another person, hyper-reflexes, and basically fuck everything up like a Demi-God. One man ultimate killing machine. The story is pretty awesome too. He's been a puppet for the military until a rogue scientist re-programs his nano-machine implanted memories and frees him Unisol: Day of Reckoning style. After that he's a one-man death dealer taking on the military industrial complex with the help of a hot Army medic sniper and a chick who emits EMPs. Probably the most violent splashes in a comic ever!
1 1/2) The number two from Valiant is XO-Manowar, with art by Cary Nord of Conan fame. Story: A Fifth Century human-wrecking ball barbarian Visigoth fighting the Romans is captured by Aliens. Him and a few friends are tortured and kept prisoner for years. Dude finds their holy armor akin to a Guyver armor or a living Iron-Man Armor and uses such to destroy them with a lightning sword and death-beam arrays. Not satisfied, hellbent on revenge, and wanting to kill everything in sight he teleports back to Rome to wreck the Empire. Epic Anti-hero!
2) Classwar. This is another anti-authority one with some quality art by Trevor Hairsine and Talent Foreman. The story is about a "Superhero Squad" called Enola Gay formed by the government, until a rogue CIA analyst tells the team leader about the President's lies and that most of their war-time ops were for drug runs with the CIA. In the first ten pages the Superman-esque main character named The American burns the words LIAR into the President's forehead at 10,000 feet. In retaliation the rest of the team goes after him and his whoring coke-snorting side-kick. This includes splash pages of the main "Patriot" knocking a Hulk-sized black dude's jaw off with an overhand left (Un-PC up the ass), then escaping to South America to broadcast confessions through intimidation and take down the CIA. It is fucking awesome!
I'll check them out. I only know Valiant for them having terrible artists and having resurrected Magnus, Robot Fighter, the worst comic any has ever read in the history of forever. Most of the time it looks as though no one's explained the concept of crosshatching to the artists at Valiant, and the rest of the time it looks as though they did so and then forced the artists to learn how to do so by letting them copy the covers of X-Factor from the late 80s and early 1990s. Maybe they've learned how to top the artistry I produce on the porcelain when I have the trots, but as of the last time I checked, they had not.
3) The Strange Talent of Luther Strode. This is a book by Image about a nerd who orders a Charles Atlas course from a comic book and it works. But it's secretly issued by a Death Cult. The kid becomes so strong he decapitates people when slapping them and disembowels people when he punches them. Since the book is about mind-over-matter there are some hardcore fights with another Death Cult worshiper where they are both tearing the other to shreds and wrecking warehouses while stitching themselves back together with their minds and shoving their guts back in reverse Ricki-O style. This is easily the goriest Horror/Superhero Comic ever. Murder Cult+ Herculean Strength+ A nerd's disdain for Bullies and Assholes and Criminals= Lots of creative deaths in this comic.
4) Northlanders. This is a DC Vertigo Comic. Vikings. Wreck Shit. Get drunk. Talk about their culture. Berserkers. Wreck Shit. History. Saxons. Vikings. Plagues. Tits. Tyr would be proud.
5) The Nightly News. Network on Horse-Test. The most subversive comic, probably ever. This comic is about a group of domestic terrorists who hate the media for all their lies and so decide the best thing to do is declare war on them by publicly executing reporters live on camera. Several characters are bat-shit crazy, and all are fed up with media-hype and bullshit, multi-national conglomerates and corporations, indoctrination of the youth through Ritalin and grade school, and hypocrisy in the culture in general. This book is short, but not so quick a read as the layout is like a pop-up military toggle screen. Awesome!
I recommend picking a couple of these up. These might be up your alley. Let me know what you think, dude!
Those all sound fantastic.
Jamie, How about Faust from Tim Vigil? Should be right up your alley.
Never heard of it.
wheres rants blog? does he atleast write about something other than cartoons?
I know, comics, ha ha!! What's next, favorite catapults?!!! (black widow)
Great Post Jamie,
I was a fucking huge Pitt fan in HS, I still have Pitt comic's #1 to #4, all signed by Dale Keown in my basement somewhere…great character…even without a nose.
Not a Deadpool fan Jamie? That Wizard list is shit. When I was a a kid I liked Wolverine, the Punisher, Venom. The Valiant comics were extremely violent so I used to read them because of that, XO manowar and the dude with the red dot on his chest were decent. The Punisher I read used to shoot baddies on site and take their money to fund his private war, seemed to resent the laxity of society's laws.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zb2hzz56Now
Love the photo of Mendelson playing drums
Hahahaha.
Miracleman was awesome when I read it as a kid. written by the same guy who wrote Rorschach in watchmen. Alan Moore, was the writer, I think Michael Golden was the artist? It came out before watchmen I think, from the British side of dc, maybe under eclipse label. but it might have been a "reimagining" of the character, because that's usually what Moore likes to do. that's what watchmen is about, he originally wrote the story about some old charelston comics characters that dc had acquired and were collecting dust, but some higher ups said no way; so he created some pretty cool characters based on the archetypes. funny that some guys bring up valiant characters, I used read those titles too. Bloodshot, Turok, xo manowar, archer and Armstrong, shadowmaster. the list goes on. bloodshot was cool, a ninja terminator is a good description. I think he was related somehow to another valiant character, a ninja with the same pale skin and red dot. anyone remember his name? Wasn't there another ninja named Ninjak? The valiant and image crossover was great for my preadolescent self, Jim lee and Barry Windsor Smith! Doesn't get much better than that. man I enjoyed comics as a kid, and agree with all your picks. my favorite fantastic four comics were the ones with ghost rider, grey hulk, Logan, and Spiderman taking all the action. illustrated by Arthur Adams. classic. good shit Jamie, after all these years, I've finally posted a comment.
I never paid any attention to Doctor Doom until I read Secret Wars. He didn't seem to give a shit about anything or respect anyone at all.
Secret Wars also made me look at Spiderman differently. I remember he got into a fight with the X-Men on Battleworld and took the whole team on by himself. Other than Wolverine I've never really liked mutants so it was fun to see Spiderman make them look stupid.
Mutants are, for the most part, lame. It's a lazy method of character generation. No magic spider bite, no traumatic childhood experience, they're just born that way. Fuck off.
Rob Liefeld sucks. He din't revamp X-Force either as he was the artist and writer of that series right from issue number one. He revamped The New Mutants, which was then discontinued and then X-Force picked up more or less where it had left off. I never understood why Liefeld was so popular. His artwork was absolute shit. It looked unfinished half the time. I will admit that I liked Cable for a short period and Deadpool was interesting at first but I got sick of both of them fairly quickly. So fuck Rob Liefeld.
Some characters are hit or miss depending entirely on how they're portrayed. I like the Hulk much better as a raging retard than any of his other incarnations. But Joe Fixit was fun too. Peter David's "smart Hulk" was garbage. People keep telling me Planet Hulk and World War Hulk were both really good but I have yet to read them.
Daredevil could be decent with the right team of writer and artist. Pre-frank Miller Daredevil was crap, post-Frank Miller Daredevil could go either way.
Same thing with Batman. Frank Miller's Dark Knight series was probably the best ever depiction of that character in any medium, be it comics, movies or TV. Even now it still shits all over Christopher Nolan's movie trilogy. Year One was good too (but nowhere near as good as Dark Knight) and other than those two series I haven't read any other Batman material from Miller but I've heard the rest of it is crap so I've never bothered to try. Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale were a great Batman team and it's too bad they didn't do more stories together.
Frank Miller is very hit or miss. He's either really good or borderline retarded. Even his Dark Knight series, which I was a huge fan of (and everybody calls it The Dark Knight Returns now even though that was only the tile of the first book in that series and not the title of the entire series) had moments where the artwork was kind of a distraction. He peaked with the first few Sin City stories, but even they started to get stupid after a while. Most of the good ones were already included in the movie. A Dame to Kill For is the only good one left worth making into a movie. Everything else was good but hardly great by any stretch of the imagination.
Punisher was always one of my favourite characters but he very much relied on good writing and artwork. Without at least one of the two, he got boring fast. Every time a new line of Punisher comics would come out, they'd be great for about a year and then the wheels would fall off when the artist, writer or both would move on to other titles. I can't rememebr who the artist was on the original mini-series but he was good anyway. The first ongoing series started out with Klaus Jansondoing the artwork and it was simplistic but decent enough if you liked the character. After a few issues Whilce Portacio took over the artwork and while the writing was very solid during that time, it could have very well been absolute shit and it wouldn't have mattered because the artwork was that good. Once he left, it went downhill. For a while there would be a different team on writing and artwork every month. Punisher War Journal had Jim Lee and it was awesome as fuck until Jim Lee left to do X-men or whatever the fuck he did that wasn't Punisher. Fuck him. And I don't remember the name of the initial artist on Punisher War Zone when it first started but he was really good too. But again, it was good for six months to a year before they changed artists and writers and then the whole thing went to shit.
I even read Thor for a while only because I liked Walt Simonson's art.
My foray into comics was brief and largely centered around the Punisher, most especially the first 10 Punisher: War Zone comics. You pretty much nailed it, Glen. It was really good and then the art work got REALLY shitty and I lost interest.
The Planet Hulk story supports my idea that the The Hulk is analogous to Enkidu from Gilgamesh. By the laws of nature, Hulk is king over all he sees but chooses to run through it freely, with no need to introduce any kind of order. It's only the introduction of the prostitute (who in the modern story is Betty) that he is forced to abandon his free life and submit to the petty ordering of society.
WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING GAYS, READING COMICS!! YOU FUCKING USELESS, JOBLESS NERDS. NO WONDER WOMEN WONT GO NEAR YOU, HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Always loved the Image stuff….especially WildCats. Fuck those women were hot. And, I have to say that Sophia Jaramillo is perhaps the perfect woman. Holy Christ!
Fuck You!! You know shit about punisher!!! he doues not support the legal system, in fact he goes actively against it by executing only known criminals by His Standards. Also, you haven't read captain america when he says the American Government to Fuck off?? seriusly Red Skull is a whiny little bitch.
The Grant Morrison Batman run Batman is the best Batman run in my opinion, and makes Batman the biggest badass he has ever been. It starts with Batman and Son. If you're interested, I can post the complete reading order
If you may.
No deadpool fans here? Not even a mention? Nobody read the circle chase?
I'm a fan of your blog and read it to learn and laugh. The first I was shocked you didn't mention THE BOYS by Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson fucking raw and intense story! The other i really like that i think you would dig is THE GOON by Eric Powell. Story lines Punisher by Garth Ennis/Batman the dark knight returns by Frank Miller Batman looks like a powerlifter fighter Superman himself that's pretty fucking awesome in my book. When it comes to art i have to say i agree with Jim Lee and Todd Mcfarlane another that blows me away is Alex Ross read Justice i know you don't dig DC but the story is dark as fuck! Keep writing awesome stuff and more important fucking destroy them weight racks breaking them records!
I didn't think I was into comics (well I was as a kid) but after reading this piece I think I may be hooked….out of curiosity, how many do you have in your collection?
I've never counted them. Only a couple hundred, at this point. Before the comic bubble popped, I had far more.
May I ask what your nootropic stack looks like ?
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