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Baddest Motherfuckers Ever- Chyna
When it comes to bad motherfuckers, one looks for a couple of things- superlative strength, a complete disregard for social conventions and mores, an outrageous physique, and in most cases, no insignificant amount of mental illness. Though I’ve written about three dozen of these articles, I’ve thus far written about only one woman- not because there aren’t plenty of badasses out there about whom I could write, but chick athletes are often so driven, so focused on proving themselves among their peers and especially male athletes, that they avoid getting up to the sort of “they bit a motherfucker’s nose off in the middle of a barfight for calling wrestling fake” type of shenanigans about which I love to write.
For that reason, I’ve included sick lifters like Jen Thompson and Stefi Cohen (who I have on very good authority might announce a WWE signing shortly) in 365 Days of Brutality and Dana Linn Bailey made it into IOI 2 as a Baddest Workout entry, but only the fluent-Klingon-speaking nerdlesque dancer Pillow has as yet received a nod in the BME series, until now. For those of you who are too young to know her name or of the awesomeness of the Attitude Era of the WWE, I present to you the first broad to go toe to toe with dudes in the WWE and believably win- Chyna.
Before you start in with the whole tired “looks like a man” bit that dudes with limp dicks and low T cannot help but to drop into comments about Chyna, don’t bother- she didn’t fuck dudes who were smaller, weaker, and less awesome than she was, so you wouldn’t even have been a blip on her radar. And before you start with the “huge clit” comments, here’s a pro tip- that comment illustrates for any woman reading this the following:
1) you don’t go down on chicks,
2) have no idea how to make a girl cum, and
3) there is a reasonable chance you don’t find women sexually attractive anyway, because a big clit is a sensitive clit, and a sensitive clit means orgasms all day long. Ever heard the adage, “happy wife, happy life”? That was coined by a dude dying from his 100th blowjob of the day, after leaving his big clitted wife so sexually satisfied she couldn’t help but repay the favor by sucking his dick like it spat hundred dollar bills and Christian Louboutin heels.
At the end of the day, whether or not you’re sexually attracted to Chyna is completely immaterial to the matter at hand- she was the first chick wrestler to throw down with the men and hold her own. The first female enforcer, only female Intercontinental Champion, and first chick Royal Rumble entrant, Chyna was so jacked she actually made her WWE debut as Triple H’s enforcer, which makes sense when you discover that she outbenched that dickless shitslug despite of the fact he outweighed her by 75-80 pounds. As her insanely inadequate posthumous WWE profile puts it, “The Ninth Wonder of the World,” as she was known, ” broke as many gender barriers as she did bodies.”
Joanie “Chyna” Laurer Vital Statistics
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 180lbs
Bench Press: 315 x 5; 365 x 1
Deadlift: 420lbs (early on in her career- no idea what it was after a few years of training)
Squat: 405 x 12; 465 x 5
To give you a bit of perspective, this is a woman who competed as a bodybuilder and didn’t lift for strength but who would be firmly in the top ten all time 181lbers had she competed, with an estimated 1348 total, and in the conversation for fifth all time. And I’m well aware of the “gym lifts don’t count” bullshit everyone loves bandying about, but the fun thing about bodybuilder maxes is that they’re extremely repeatable. As in, they do those maxes on a regular basis. Hell, in her first workout with Triple H, she out-benched that empty nutsack. In an interview, Triple H said,
“We’re in the gym and Joanie (Chyna) and I are ready to start. I begin by putting 135 pounds on the bar, do a few reps to warm up. Joanie puts 135 pounds up, does the same thing, and right off, i’m thinking, Wow. Most women top off at 135 pounds. When she’s done with her set of 135, Joanie grabs another ninety, throws it on. She’s 225 now. I’m thinking, Jesus Christ, she’s gonna do that? Uh-huh, sure, she’s trying to get a job, trying to impress me. She’ll do a few reps and peter out. We both do the 225. And she just smacks it out, ten reps, just like that, no strain. Before I can catch my breath, she cranks it up to 315. Now, I’m thinking, no fucking way! This is gonna cut her in half. But she grabs it, boom, boom, two reps. No sweat, like she’s pumping sponge cake here.
In my head? I’m thinking, God, I haven’t even hit that!”
The Construction of the Ninth Wonder of the World
Like any other jacked, professional weirdo, Chyna had a rough childhood. her parents were true blue white trash shitbags in the disgusting hovel town of Rochester, NY, a town famous for little other than gang violence, an astonishing crime rate for a backwater town, and having remarkably low wages compared to the the cost of housing. Chyna’s parents were the type of redblooded Muricans who only shopped at Sears (Walmart hadn’t made it to New York by that point, so imagine a far more disgusting version of Wally World and you get the picture), beat the dogshit out of each other to country music while drunk , and who begged for money from their parents and neighbors for groceries because drinking Steel Reserve apparently is not a paying gig. After kicking Chyna out of the house at 16 over a bit of weed discovered in Chyna’s room, her dirty water garbage mom never saw her again, though she maintains to this day she was mother of the year every year Chyna was alive these days on Facebook.
Her home life wasn’t the only misfortune in her life, however- like Dave Chappelle did when growing up, Chyna only owned three outfits per year and had a jawline that made Jay Leno look weak chinned as hell by comparison. As such, she was constantly fucked with by her peers, and developed a pretty awesome eating disorder trying to starve away her face. Fun fact, Redditors- not only do steroids do nothing whatsoever for your jawline (that’s GH, you fucking dipshits), but bigass jawlines are often the reason chicks compete in sports anyway, not the result of gear use- their bodies produce more GH and testosterone naturally than the femme chicks. In any event, she had it fucking rough from every conceivable angle, yet she still managed not to shoot up her high school or commit suicide.
After moving in with her biological father, she finished high school basically friendless, finished her undergrad in two years at the University of Tampa, and started working as a waitress in a Tampa strip club after a short stint in the Peace Corps. After ditching Florida for a state not solely populated by felons and meth-addicted mutants, Chyna ended up in Londonderry, NH to lift with her sister at a gym with the hilariously uninspired name The Workout Club. Bouncing around other gigs ranging from delivering singing telegrams to selling cars to selling beepers to teaching aerobics, Chyna trained like a fucking maniac.
In spite of the fact that her life is essentially a national tour of the least desirable trailer parks on the planet, Chyna found a home in Londonderry and started dating her personal trainer, Gerry Blais, which put her lifetime decision making skills rating at around the rating for Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star– not just bad enough to justify suicide, but possibly bad enough to justify genocide. Not just because she started dating her trainer- she started dating a trainer in a backwater shithole who looks like a Jersey Shore reject with a serious love of Synthol. Irrespective of his own inability or unwillingness to train hard, Blais did set Chyna onto a path to greatness, however, so whenever he commits seppuku that single saving grace might keep people from pissing on his grave.
It was around this time that Chyna and her sister Kathy started training at wrestling god Killer Kowalski’s wrestling school, and in 1995 they began working the indie circuit together. Previously, they’d tried their hand at figure competition, though likely due in part to the jawline fellow competitors suggested they hit the wrestling circuit instead. Whoever those people were making the suggestions were on the money, though, because shortly after they started in the indies, Chyna met Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who then watched tapes of her matches and pushed Vince to bring her on in the WWE as Triple H’s bodyguard.
Because she was physically imposing and had serious strength to back it up, the ancient motherfuckers whining about a chick fighting guys got shouted down within the WWE. None of the big names of the time, like Eddie Guerrero, Stone Cold, Jeff Jarrett, or Mick Foley had a problem with Chyna taking them out in matches. In their minds, there was nothing to sell, because she was legit as fuck and one of the hardest workers in the business. When everyone else went out for beer, Chyna was in the gym chugging shakes and getting in a second or third lift for the day. When they were taking time off, she was practicing her craft- wrestling had finally given her something she loved that loved her back, and she was all in.
Of course, just like the low T crowd now drives Star Wars actors into hiding with commentary borne of the self hatred spawned by being a shut in whose mom makes all his meals, the trolls shattered what one would think would be unassailable self-confidence in Chyna. The little white trash girl whose mom abandoned her after a childhood of abuse and ridicule didn’t have enough hate to overcome shit like Howard Stern saying to her, “You’re a man! Do you have a penis?” and endless commentary in person and on the early internet about her masculine appearance, because in spite of her hardass appearance she was apparently an incredibly sensitive person.
Basically a psychological wreck from the endless shit talking, Chyna took part of 1999 off to get her tits and nose done, and then later to have her jaw broken and shaved down because she couldn’t handle the incessant abuse. This made life a hell of a lot easier from a shit-from-the-bitchmade-public standpoint, and she fully immersed herself into the world of wrestling, making it officially her family. She started treating other wrestler’s kids like her own, acting as sort of a backstage surrogate mom to them after beating their dad’s asses in the ring, which meant she was then the most bizarrely awesome jack-of-all-trades in the industry- the biggest badass-slash-hottest-chick-slash-nicest-backstage-personality in the business… and then they fucked her over, blacklisted her, and destroyed her sanity completely, because the McMahons are on par with Pol Pot, Joseph Stalin, Amelia Dyer, and Dick Cheney for evil- people so indisputably soulless, conniving, narcissistic, and malevolent that anyone who associates with them is likewise tainted with an evil that cannot be cleansed, but could use a white phosphorous bath just in case.
Chyna’s Training and Diet
Before I get into the horrifying end to what should have been the most prolific and groundbreaking career in the history of sports, I might as well cover what little we know about Chyna’s diet and training, since they built one of the most impressive female athletic physiques of all time.
Training
Chyna trained relentlessly from the time she met the Jersey Shore Synthol assbag through the end of her WWE run. She approached the gym year round with the type of dedication that Tara Reid has for finding speedballs and professional bodybuilders display precontest- her entire day was structured around training and eating. When wrestling, her sessions were wedged in around performing and travel, but she was consistently in the gym six days a week.
Following the typical bodybuilding bodypart split of that era, Chyna hit everything twice a week, then added an additional half hour of abject misery on the Stairmill with an 80lb backpack on days she didn’t wrestle. Like Goldberg, Chyna also used boxing for conditioning, throwing in an afternoon session of boxing work when she could. Those two were definitely cut from the same cloth in that their work ethic in the gym translated to immense physicality in the ring, though Chyna was arguably a far better in ring worker than Goldberg.
Diet
Her meals almost always consisted of fish or chicken, protein powder and vitamins. She was compulsive as shit about her eating and training, and whereas her coworkers were off drinking and partying on the road, Chyna was hitting the gym hard and long as a horse cock on Viagra, then going directly to bed after chugging a shake. She was essentially straightedge- so fucking driven and focused on her job that she let nothing stand in the path of her physique. That said, she did have Sundays as a cheat day, and she ate anything and everything she wanted on those days, usually in the form of sweet, delicious carbs like blueberry pancakes, pizza, and apple pie with ice cream.
Chyna’s Implosion
Though she was killing it professionally, Chyna was apparently a rough go behind closed doors- her grip on her sanity was a tenuous thing. Though she and Triple H lived together for years, Stephanie McMahon had no idea they were a couple- she actually thought Triple H was the boyfriend of the Heartbreak Kid, making their eventual romance even stranger. In any event, an on-screen romance set up by Vince McMahon between Stephanie and Triple H was apparently obviously a real relationship to just about anyone with a set or working eyeballs, which left Chyna in hysterics every night in the locker room because she and Triple H were still living together.
Knowing Vince was the one who set the entire thing up, Chyna clearly was not on good terms with the owner of the WWE. Though he repeatedly assured her she was gonna keep her job, they gradually withdrew the Ninth Wonder of the World from the spotlight, then fired her after she posed for Playboy. Righteously pissed, Chyna started fucking X-Pac, Triple H’s best friend and tag team partner, as she fell completely off the rails and started doing a fuckton of drinking and drugs, as people often do when their relationships go sideways. After a year in New Japan Pro Wrestling, Chyna and X-Pac started making porn together, which eventually culminated in a dumpster fire of a relationship in which Chyna picked up a domestic battery charge for tuning up X-Pac, and that man lost whatever dignity he had left.
After bouncing from rehab to rehab reality show and back, Chyna was an utter train wreck. Her mental state was shattered, she was coked up and drunk nonstop, and after repeated attempts to kill herself, she moved to Japan to teach English and inexplicably become a Mormon. Now, with Mormonism, a domestic battery charge, numerous public meltdowns and essentially no prospects for a future, having lost the ability to do the only thing that made her in any way happy, she dropped dead of an accidental overdose at age 46… having at the end not only become a Mormon but a vegetarian as well. The speculation is that she had CTE, which is what many wrestlers and football players end up going insane with at the end, though by the time her brain was examined it was too badly decomposed to make a definitive call in that regard (she was dead a couple of days before her body was found).
Chyna’s Legacy
Tragically, most people seem to only know of Chyna’s meltdown, rather than the badass she was prior to that. The first woman who could go toe to toe and believably win against the men, even in the super-jacked late 90s Attitude Era, Chyna was an inspiration to plenty of chicks who needed a reason to hit the gym, and to the guys who wanted to have a shot at taking her on a date without being laughed out of the building. Her legacy also included a custom set of fake tits specifically designed for lifters and bodybuilders, called the Chyna 2000s, and had she not been fucked over by the McMahons, she likely would have been the first, and definitely the only believable, female to win the championship belt off the men.
As such, her story should stand as a reminder to people that maybe go easy on the ultra-jacked chicks at the gym. If you don’t find them hot, keep it to yourself- it’s not like they’re pointing and laughing at your little dick when you waddle past them to get to the baby dumbbells, and it’s highly likely when you pop off about them that all of the real lifters in that place immediately have it in their heads that you’re gonna have a fucking accident if they see you at the bar.
Perhaps I have not put a fine enough point on it, but this really is the crux of the article- with the return of the Ms. Olympia to the Olympia weekend next year, a lot of you are likely going to want to say something about something when it comes to chicks who are bigger and stronger than you. And if you do, remember that doing so might just get a seriously cool person to shuffle off their mortal coil, leaving us stuck with your worthless, skinny-fat ass and down a badass broad, which sucks. So consider a course of action that doesn’t give real lifters a reason to arrange your death- we have better things to do than worrying about how to make you fall down an elevator shaft onto some bullets.
Need to feel a little more of my hate burning through your soul? 365 Days of Brutality, my badass new book is available in print and ebook!
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30 responses to “Baddest Motherfuckers Ever- Chyna”
The screeching about you being an SJW ought to be hilarious.
Hahaha- when I wrote this, I hadn’t even thought that was going to be an issue, but you’re right. Funny how that Venn diagram of dudes who can’t make chicks cum and dudes who make SJW accusations is a single circle, lol.
Being an SJW, white knighting, all the usual bullshit. They can go eat a frisbee the size of those clits they won’t be touching any time soon — “single” circle is right.
Jamie, c’mon man. I’m a huge fan of your stuff but did you listen to yourself whilst writing this? If a lifter, regardless of gender, succumbs to societal pressures to the point of allowing their mental state to denigrate, can they really be said to be a BME? People that off themselves, while they might have been hard as nails at one point, are the ultimate display in mental weakness.
Man, she had a rough fucking go throughout, and it sucks to see a person who was that cool brought low like that by a bunch of bullshit. And if the issue at the end was CTE, which is the general belief, she had no control over that whatsoever- if your brain is swiss cheese, it’s swiss cheese. No amount of thinking hard thought will undo that. And frankly, most of the BMEs end badly- you can only stay hard as fuck so long. Hell, even Saxon died badly.
And the belief is that her death was accidental. As to the offing yourself being the ultimate in mental weakness, it’s about the only real freedom we have in life. And if you’re done, you’re done. She was never going to regain her former glory, so she’d be living in misery knowing her time was past. I don’t see anything wrong with going out on your own terms- Chuck Sipes killed himself, as did Bert Elliott, and were they alive I doubt you’d have shit to say their their faces about suicide being weakness. hell, Ken Norton Sr refused to fucking fight Sipes.
I’m not downplaying their greatness at all nor am I standing in judgement of people that will be way stronger than I probably ever will, and you have a valid point. Maybe I should re-examine my view on it, but in just seems such a weak way to go for such motivated and hardcore individuals. You spend your life carving a unbreakable amount of willpower and then just….meh, I’ll fucking end it all. Don’t know man, just doesn’t seem to jive. If I was that badass, maybe I’d see it differently.
I agree. Naysayers must submit to her glory. She was one of a kind.
When are you going to do Yukio Mishima on ‘Baddest Motherfuckers Ever’ ?
I wonder if there is a dire t correlation between having an armour plated body and a fucked up mental state. It stands to reason that people in adverse circumstance adapt a defensive mode. I think a lot of us find the world we live in to be more hostile than we expected. Probably because it is, without considering individual mental issues. But I would hazard a guess that a well above average percentage of people who go down the full blown roid, get massive, compete at the top of the various strength and physique games are nursing something that is not just a result of the stress of societal pressure. Just a thought, obviously there will be many exceptions.
That upbringing + possible mental illness = suffering.
Lots of people would not even do a thing in life, at least she was a beast in her area.
On the other hand, most BME’s deaths are not like Maxick’s (that death note is one of the most badass moments EVER), but like John Y. Smith: crushed by their own greatness.
Lots of them succumbed to mental illness, but their lifes are inspiring and a testament to what can be done when focused.
It is the whole fight/career/life which counts, not only the last very moments when you are old/wounded/tired of life/full of problems.
Yep- you’re generally going to have an interesting death if you lived and interesting life. Not a lot of people who live hard die in bed.
I must add something: it is very easy to criticize, lots of people live lifes full of suffering and from the outside it is not like being immersed in the shit.
I am able to channel my aggresion physically through strength training and I am able to read, think, change my opinions and adapt to what life brings.
I do not work a shitty 9-5 job and I develop myself in projects like ambient music and a graphic novel adventure videogame where I express my view of the world and my opinions.
Not everyone is able to do that, so I am really grateful for all of it.
Instead of making other people feel miserable I try to help whenever possible.
Jamie is always helpful and encourages people to better themselves, for that I am grateful too.
Think about it: if Jamie, instead of doing the blog would have thought of the rest of the world as worthless and had not put the blog up, lots of people (myself included) would have not started REAL training and would be less than what we are today.
Regardless the rants, the porn, etc, Jamie’s message has always been about being more than what you are right now, about thinking higher of yourself and not be content with being less.
What you think and do brings consequences and may have a possitive or negative impact, so better not talk down others so easily.
I must add something: it is very easy to criticize, lots of people live lifes full of suffering and from the outside it is not like being immersed in the shit.
I am able to channel my aggresion physically through strength training and I am able to read, think, change my opinions and adapt to what life brings.
I do not work a shitty 9-5 job and I develop myself in projects like ambient music and a graphic novel adventure videogame where I express my view of the world and my opinions.
Not everyone is able to do that, so I am really grateful for all of it.
Instead of making other people feel miserable I try to help whenever possible.
Jamie is always helpful and encourages people to better themselves, for that I am grateful too.
Think about it: if Jamie, instead of doing the blog would have thought of the rest of the world as worthless and had not put the blog up, lots of people (myself included) would have not started REAL training and would be less than what we are today. Regardless the rants, the porn, etc, Jamie’s message has always been about being more than what you are right now, about thinking higher of yourself and not be content with being less.
What you think and do brings consequences and may have a possitive or negative impact, so better not talk down others so easily.
I must add something: it is very easy to criticize, lots of people live lifes full of suffering and from the outside it is not like being immersed in the shit.
I am able to channel my aggresion physically through strength training and I am able to read, think, change my opinions and adapt to what life brings.
I do not work a shitty 9-5 job and I develop myself in projects like ambient music and a graphic novel adventure videogame where I express my view of the world and my opinions.
Not everyone is able to do that, so I am really grateful for all of it.
Instead of making other people feel miserable I try to help whenever possible.
Jamie is always helpful and encourages people to better themselves, for that I am grateful too.
Think about it: if Jamie, instead of doing the blog would have thought of the rest of the world as worthless and had not put the blog up, lots of people (myself included) would have not started REAL training and would be less than what we are today. Regardless the rants, the porn, etc, Jamie’s message has always been about being more than what you are right now, about thinking higher of yourself and not be content with being less.
What you think and do brings consequences and may have a possitive or negative impact, so better not talk down others so easily.
She DEFINITELY fucked dudes who were smaller, weaker, and less awesome than she was, and published videos to prove it.
That Mankind gif is excellent though, what a fucked up weird bump
Are you still planning a Shlak interview?
I’d like to, but he’s busy as fuck and I can’t get him to answer the fucking questions. I am likely going to get him to tattoo me and film it, which I fucking despise doing, but it’s my only option. The very last thing I would like to do is make a video.
that’s a shame, I wouldn’t normally want to watch or listen to a video but I would if it had shlak in it
Eh, there’s a chance I’ll do the tattoo interview.
And we are going to this, so check the guest list and let me know if you want us to interview anyone in particular. https://www.facebook.com/events/1935337139900350/?notif_t=event_invite_reminder¬if_id=1570545774913364
Jamie and Tara, I am a long time reader but never commented before. What I admire most about your writing, evident in this article, is your unrepentant celebration of strong female figures and unwillingness to shy away from the utter weirdness that is male sexuality (and your uncompromising stance on jackbooted Proud Boy/incel/neo fascist shits). I love this article and you manage to make it compassionate as well as arresting. Chyna is truly a BME. I am a psychiatric nurse and no stranger to oddness and self-destruction. Some of the other comments left here show a huge lack of understanding, or even an attempt to understand, what Chyna may have felt. I look forward to more.
I often wish I could live in the USA a while, something tells me all this crap about wrestlers and all the hyped up celebration of violent spectacle and inhumanity might make some sense if I witnessed it first hand. The impression of the USA we get is a bit like driving your car in winter time, applying the brakes but the car doesn’t stop, it just glides over the ice and you end up slowly rolling down a hill into the side of someone’s car (which actually happened to me). Totally non related, but there is no forum to put this random shit…anyone watched the JOKER. I hardly ever go to cinema and I am the tightest MOFO ever as regards spending, but I read Michael Moore’s take on the film as a “masterpiece” and am curious. I don’t want to shell out and find its just your usual crap with loads of modern special effects/moronic story line. I want a devastating critique of modern society and lots of special effects…a bit like this place…
Completely off topic, anyone seen the JOKER is it worth going to see? I read Michael Moore going on about it being a masterpiece, a mirror to US society etc, is it all that or is it yet more special effects/lame story for the brain damaged masses?
If I tried hard I could make a connection between the JOKER and the world of violent spectacle and pro wrestling within the context of late capitalism and the polarisation of the US proletariat, but its hard work for little reward.
I can’t imagine why you’d bother to attempt to make that connection, haha. I’m seeing it this weekend- everyone I know said it’s one of the greatest movies ever filmed. It remains to be seen how it will hold up against the likes of Devil’s Rejects and Rampage and Network for social commentary and violent outlet for societal rage.
The Joker film is good, critiques the role of media in driving us insane.
The guy does his best to fit in society, keep a low profile and not get in trouble, nice guy in fact…but all the people, powers and events fuck him until he lets the beast free…
There are low points in it, but overall I enjoyed it.
The Joker film is good, critiques the role of media in driving us insane.
The guy does his best to fit in society, keep a low profile and not get in trouble, nice guy in fact…but all the people, powers and events fuck him until he lets the beast free…
There are low points in it, but overall I enjoyed it.
Chyna was a badass, she was one of the few female wrestlers when I watched WWE (or WWF as it was still know then). I didn’t even know she offed herself years ago, what a shame. She never struck me as someone chemically balanced so it really doesn’t come a surprise either.
Keep the wrestling vibe going and get us a BME on The Road Warriors! I’m actually kinda surprised you never did given how often you mention them.
I have been trying to get an interview with Animal about their training methods. He bailed on the NJ Horror Con when he was supposed to be singing- I was there like 20 mins after it started and he’d already left. I was in the gym getting a pump on, because I’m not going to get my pic taken with Animal without a fucking pump, and he fucking left. We’re going to the 80s WrestlingCon this month, so I’ll see if I can pull Haku aside and ask him some of his training questions. That would make for a fucking awesome BME!
Honestly the fact that Animal sings nowadays makes everything about him even more hilarious.
Haku is a fucking boss as well so anything he says is worth sharing with us as well. Hell, it amazes so many of those coke-fueled maniacs are still alive in the first place.
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