Plague of Strength

It’s been awhile since I dropped one of these on you guys- I’ve gotten caught up in the business of researching and all that shit, and forgot to do the fun shit. Since I just started the extremely heavy subject of Muscular Christianity (and holy shit that is a weird topic) I figured I’d wash away my alleged SJW-ness from the Chyna article (which is getting very weird pushback) with talk of the awesome shit with which you can fill your heads when you’re not making bizarre accusations in which I’m a socialist feminazi who’s lost his edge somehow.

In any event, I’m burned the fuck out… as these synopses will definitely reflect. Forgive the shitty prose, but my brain has fucking melted.

Books

The Band (series) by Michael Eames

Beginning with Kings of the Wyld, then continuing six years after the events of the first with Bloody Rose, these books are some of the best comedic actioners I’ve ever come across. Set in a world where druins (murderous, magical rabbit people from another dimension) conquer Earth and enslave both humans and monsters alike, only to lose control to humans thereafter. Kings follows the most famous band of mercs on the planet as they got to battle the biggest Horde of monsters the planet has ever seen… though they’re long past their prime. They get the band back together for one last, monster-slaughtering Expendables-type mission, against impossible odds, in a world so fucking cool it’s hard to believe Eames just pulled it out of his ass for a single book. Bloody Rose continues the series with a badass band being led the daughter of one of the members of the band in the first book.

These books are basically the pinnacle of fantasy fiction- they’re funny as shit, gory, jam-packed with weird ass monsters, and the protagonists are flawed enough that you can identify with them and badass enough that you want to be them. There’s literally something in there for anyone who likes fiction, unless you’re a hard-line Christian who hates fucking and fighting and drinking and monsters. In which case, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Mecha Samurai Empire (and the rest of the USJ series) by Peter Tieras

I can’t speak to the first in this series, as I’ve not read it- I just picked up the book one day at Barnes and Nobles and proceeded to read it until I ran out of pages. The first one, United States of Japan, is next on my list, and the third stand-alone book in that universe is due out early next year. The synopsis of these books is essentially what every kid who grew up in my era wanted to see- a combination of PKD’s Man in the High Castle with giant fighting robots and genetically modified gigantic animals. If you need more of a synopsis than that to buy the goddamn thing, you fucking suck.

Read the goddamned books or die knowing you failed at life.

The Wastelanders- K.S. Merbeth

This is actually an omnibus of Merbeth’s books in the Wasteland universe, Bite and Raid. To say that it’s fucking phenomenal really doesn’t paint an accurate picture, but if you’re familiar with Joe Abercrombie’s writing, imagine if he had written Mad Max. The pacing is fast as shit (the sort of breathless, staccato writing I loved in Run), it’s violent as hell, almost British in its dry writ, and awesomeness drips from every page. If you’re a fan of Mad Max, Doomsday, or A Boy and His Dog, you will love this book. If you don’t like the aforementioned movies, you suck anyway, so go back to reading Fifty Shades of Grey or the fucking Hobbit books or whatever bullshit you think passes for useful literature.

Books to Avoid

I don’t usually do this, but I’ve gotten burned a couple of times recently on recommended books. Frankly, I’ll put Erikson’s Gardens of the Moon in here as well, because that bleak fucking thing had none of the appeal of Abercrombie’s writing, in spite of everyone’s assurances to the contrary. The characters were all patently unlikable, so I spent the entire book like I do every time I go on Facebook- just hoping everyone dies and dies badly. Though Erikson is a good writer incapable of writing anything I could give a fuck about, Luke Skull’s Grim Company was a great concept poorly executed, and Traitor God by Cameron Johnston is worse still. My bar is set unseemly high by Joe Abercrombie and Mark Lawrence, so I have little patience for poorly written shit. You might yet enjoy them, but this is just a buyer beware. And nothing against those authors- they just have stellar reviews and their books left me disappointed.

Films

The Head Hunter

A low budget indie shot with high-budget aspirations, The Head Hunter features a cast of one, who plays a Viking who hunts monsters. When faced with the opportunity to kill the monster who killed the only person the nameless Viking loved, his daughter, he heeds the call and barely survives. Killing the monster ends up being far more problematic than he expected, though, and the hunts the thing in a fashion very reminiscent of The 13th Warrior… though not with the result you’d expect.

The Heretics

Combine the best parts of body horror, cults, Lovecraft, and apocalyptic horror and here’s what you get. Watch this motherfucker to the end. Trust me.

Avengement

If you don’t love Scott Adkins, there is something very seriously wrong with you. The star of countless badass b-movie martial arts films, Adkins is this generation’s Van Damme or Bruce Lee… and he can act. In Avengement, he actually gets the opportunity to do so. An MMA fighter with mod connections gets sent to prison for an accidental death and has to literally fight for his life, day after day, for seven years after a price has been put on his head. This is the tale of his prison stay and avenging the people who put the bounty on his head. Combining straight up horror gore effects, sick martial arts, and cockney accents, this flick is the tits.

Mom and Dad

Like Mandy, this is Nic Cage at his pants-shittingly-insane best. Something causes all of the parents in a town to go berserk and try to murder their kids. It’s like the crazies, overlaid with some cool social commentary and Nic Cage doing what he does best.

68 Kill

I read the novel awhile back, drunkenly and inflight, and I’d managed to combine the plot with another book for which I’ve been searching since. In any event, this movie is fucking awesome. Ignore the plot synopsis on Netflix- it’s nonsense. This flick is about a dude who’s sexually entranced by progressively more insane broads, who then end up killing each other in spectacular fashion. If you like fucking, fighting, fucking and fighting at the same time, gore, or amusing commentaries on the state of modern relationships, you’ll love this. If not, fuck you anyway.

Films to Avoid

I’ve got two from which to steer you. The first is a zombie flick called Night Eats the World, which is duller than fuck and you hate the protagonist to the point of distraction. The second is the sequel to one of my favorite films, The Woman– Darlin‘ is directed by Pollyanna McIntosh, the actress in The Woman, but the movie just falls flat. While we’re at it, 3 From Hell is not the stellar follow up to my all-time favorite film. It’s decent, and he did good stuff with what he had to work with, but 3 From Hell pales in comparison to the Devil’s Rejects, and the CGI gore really pissed me off. That one is still worth a watch, but keep your expectations in check.

Music

Pintglass- Way of the Geeza

Cockney accents, blue collar ethos, tough guy nonsense, insane breakdowns, and a lot of hilarity. This fucking album is amazing, and I’ve basically had it on repeat for a week. With lines like “I MIGHT BE AN UGLY CUNT, BUT I’LL STILL HAVE YOUR MISSES,” you have to fucking love it.

[bandcamp width=100% height=120 album=1791137464 size=large bgcol=ffffff linkcol=0687f5 tracklist=false artwork=small]

FFO: The Hell, Annotations of an Autopsy, PALEFACE, and old beatdown bands like Bulldoze

Gassed Up – Gnostic State

Combining grime with tough guy hardcore, Gassed Up basically combines all of the best things in music into one band. This shit stays in rotation due to its varied sound and the fact it goes hard.

[bandcamp width=100% height=120 album=101782748 size=large bgcol=ffffff linkcol=0687f5 tracklist=false artwork=small]

FFO: Pintglass, Dizzee Rascal, The Hell, old school rapcore

Strangled – S/T

When I first heard the track “Mobilize” off this EP I broke the office chair I was sitting in while chair moshing, then immediately bought merch. They’re a tiny OKC band that is perfect music to beat your neighbors to death to. Get a hammer and pop this shit on your headphones and you’ll make quick work of the entire block.

[bandcamp width=100% height=120 album=2736335765 size=large bgcol=ffffff linkcol=0687f5 tracklist=false artwork=small]

FFO: old Hatebreed, Annotations of an Autopsy, Spite, anything beatdown

Darke Complex- Point Oblivion

I figured I’d mix it up for you guys and give you some nu-metalcore. These guys are a guilty pleasure, since they’re nu-metally as fuck. Basically, if you took Korn, Suicide Silence, Slipknot, and Linkin Park into a blender, this is what you’d get. I realize you’re skeptical, but it’s fucking cool. Unfortunatley, they’ve broken up, and I’ve not heard the singer’s new shit, as solo projects are invariably a disappointment and I’ve got slam to rock. You’re gonna think I’m insane listening to the beginning of this song, but Darke Complex fucking rules as background music while you’re playing COD or doing dishes or some shit. You’re not gonna PR to most of this album in the gym, but it’s a nice change of pace for me, since almost all I listen to is beatdown and slam beatdown.

FFO: Gift Giver, Barriers, Ded

Hopefully that will tide you over as I jumpstart my brain to work on some new shit. I’ve got a couple of articles in the works- a series on killer lifters called “Killer Workouts” that will detail the crimes they committed and their workouts; a follow up to the Zuver’s article; a related article starting my series on the “Unholy Weirdness of Muscular Christianity”; a horror-centric article about the sub-genre of body horror, my love for it, and shit in that genre you should check out; and one that will almost certainly be a multi-parter called “The Godfathers of Powerlifting: JC Hise and Mark Berry.” If you have a preference for what I work on next, hit me in the comments.

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