With Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus here, we’re all supposed to be pretty fucking stressed out- the news absolutely won’t shut the fuck up about it. I simply avoid the people I dislike altogether, family included, so the shit is pretty chill in my house, but it seems everyone else just enjoys being miserable or they allow themselves to get caught up in the idea that the holidays are supposed to be miserable. As such, i thought it might be prudent to give you a heads up on some shit that slapped a smile on my face this month, and which might do the same to yours without the liberal application of grain alcohol. Or with it- it’s your holiday to spend how you wish. I can say that in my experience the liberal application of liquor to a problem hasn’t always panned out- but I’ve got some rad stories from my epic fails. And a fair amount of bullshit to boot. So let’s avoid some of the bullshit and get happy thusly.

Supplements I’m Taking Recently

I am not affiliated with any of these companies, nor do I get a kickback from them. They’re just supplements I like, because I genuinely dislike just about everyone in both the fitness and supplement industry and have no interest in having to interact with anyone in either. So buy whatever you want, as it won’t affect me one way or the other- this is just the shit I’ve used that I personally like.

I purchase all of my supplements locally (at full price, like an adult with dignity and self respect- these fucking goofs walking around like beggars with their cups out because they’re a “professional athlete” are a goddamned disgrace) at Ares Nutrition in Trenton, NJ. They ship, if you want to go that route and support small businesses, and if you live in the area they have a rad lounge area to hang out and shoot the shit if you want.

Click on the product images to zoom in and shit- I just figured this was a tighter way to give the supplement info than a shitload of bigass images you have to scroll through.

Shogun Undefeated– This fat burner is produced by Anarchy, which is a side project label with grey market supps created by one of the more-or-less major supplement makers, though I don’t recall which. This is a caffeine/DMHA blend that hits nicely and doesn’t give me that rauwolfia jittery hot stomach bullshit. I genuinely fucking hate rauwolfia, and I’ve seen that shit make people who can handle meth run for the toilet, so I would recommend most people avoid it. Shogun is fucking NICE, especially if you decide to just take one of the two pills and stack it with a Bang or a Reign.

Phase One Brain Blitz– True to the old school, it tastes like shit, so you know it works. The bitterness of the caffeine slashes through that flavoring like an influencer’s knife through her mom’s utrine lining and whacks you in the back of the fucking tongue like a spiked bat in the hands of the ghost of Ted Williams, but that’s how you know it’s going to have your brain and heart working like the rest of the world is stuck in fucking bullet time. If you forced a baby out of a union between Neo and Tesla, then fed that baby a steady diet of alligator meat from a Floridian meth lab, that baby’s face is what you see in the mirror about 47 minutes after whacking back some Brain Blitz stacked with some old Cannibal Genius I still have on the tuck and a good sativa. Oooooweeee that stack is so fucking nice, I might as well say it twice: you need this shit in your life.

Allmax AllWhey– It’s a solid protein, tastes good, contains digestive enzymes to help aid absorbtion, and it’s cheap- what more can you ask? If you pay a little more, they have a more upscale whey that comes in a cinnamon toast crunch flavor that is bangin’ as well, and I always wash it down with 10-16 ounces of Fairlife milk for another 16-26g of protein on top of the 48 in the protein itself. I don’t measure anything or even really time my meals anymore. If I miss a meal or have not gotten enough protein or calories in a given day, I just eat more or drink extra protein later in the day. I don’t stress about that shit at all- if you train your fucking ass off and listen to your body, it’ll tell you when you need to stuff your fucking face and when your chubby ass can just subsist on shakes for awhile.

Side Note: my dieting has sort of evolved into something that accidentally resembles the ABCDE Diet about which I wrote years ago. I can’t really sustain significant and sustained overeating to gain weight for more than a couple of weeks before I am physically ill looking at food and spend a couple of weeks primarily drinking shakes. And when I say I can’t, I mean that it has a negative impact on everything else in my life, including training, so I don’t do it. That said, I have never met anyone who trains anywhere near as hard as I do, and I doubt most people eat as aggressively as I do when I am trying to force growth. For me, shit works only as long as it remains fun, and force-feeding yourself is no fucking fun unless you’ve got serious need for a head shrinker in your life (in which case, get your fat ass to a head shrinker rather than eating yourself to death).

Qualia Mind– Though pricey as fuck, Qualia Mind is another product I tried within the last year that stacks amazingly with the old Cannibal Genius or any other noopept you happen to have (and even the people at Neurohacker do that- like me, however, they didn’t want to go to jail for selling illegal shit). It works great on its own as well, but I don’t feel like I have the same ability to explode skulls with the power of my mind that I do stacking something a bit more stimulanty with Genius. That said, it did seem to tickle my intellectual pickle without making me spazzy in a way Brain Blitz didn’t, though I have to say I would err on the side of caffeine if I had to choose betwixt them.

Your New Favorite Xmas Film

Fatman

If you read the reviews on this, they’re pretty mixed. Some people are going to hate racist-ass Melly Gibsons no matter what, even if he gets a pass from Key and Peele. I’ve always liked Mel Gibson, his shenanigans and weird hardline Catholicism notwitstanding, and so I was pretty psyched to see this flick. Fatman is essentially what happens when a movie executive gets coked up and pitches Rambo: Last Blood, but with the backstory that John Rambo is in fact Santa Claus. In my mind, that bleary-eyed, babbling maniac of a genius was probably slobbering onto his phone as he fired a pitch at Stallone with speech so rapid fire and staccatto it probably sounded more like the crackle of gunfire than human speech, and Stallone understandably hung up his phone and went back to doing curls while having his asshole licked by a supermodel. That exec then called the only actor this side of Gary Busey insane enough to tackle that plot- Mel Gibson. Mad Max Riggs then agreed on two conditions- weird ass Walt Goggins would play his nemesis, and that he get to make out with a black chick on camera so he could finally bury the business of his decades-old drunken rant. The exec agreed, and everyone involved was paid only in access to craft services and a brick of cocaine. What resulted was this:

Santa is a near-immortal combination of John Rambo, the Terminator, and Odin, and after contracting his elves to produce military hardware due to the fact that kids are now so shitty they don’t deserve presents, has a hit put out on him by a psychotic little rich kid who gets coal in his stocking.

If you don’t love the utter insanity of this movie, the fact that they put the Yule back into Christmas, and the fact that a wrestler and two action movie stars are now our best on-screen Santas, you’re dead inside. I bought this flick for $7 on Amazon Prime (click here to grab it), because it’s now in the Festivus movie rotation along with these other gems:

The House of Plague Christmas Films List

I’ve never been much of a Christmas guy, quite frankly- I always preferred Thanksgiving and Halloween. That said, I’m not some humorless scrooge who hates on the holiday for no reason, either. I find most Christmas movies to be generally depressing, even if they’re funny (like Dennis Leary’s The Ref, which is fucking hilarious if you can sit through hating the entire cast). As such, my list of Christmas flicks I’ll happily watch (but I’ve only watched Fatman this holiday season)

• Surviving the Holidays with Lewis Black (2009)- I was crazy high when we watched this, but it’s a decent overview of each holiday narrated by political speechwriter and comedian Lewis Black and a variety of other seminotable comedians from the early oughts. Frankly, this is a great way to learn history, but I knew the lot of it and was a bit bored.
• Fatman (2020)- I’ve already extolled this film’s myriad virtues.
• Bad Santa (2003)- I hate Billy Bob Thornton’s disgusting white trash gimmick to the point of physical illness, but my dad mysteriously loved him and this film (due to his love of Chopper Chicks in Zombietown and his general Grinchlike demeanor). He became a fan of Troma while recovering from a laryngetomy and stayed one until his dying day- he way, after all, a man who took me to see Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 in the theater in a three-piece suit.
• National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)- You’re as free to dislike this film as you are to get the fuck off the planet. But if you’re going to do the former, get the latter part knocked out ASAP.
• Santa Slay (2005)- Goldberg is a killer Santa. The end.
• Die Hard (1988)- Obviously. The the Holiday Movies that Made Us episode on Netflix about the flick is rad as well.

Honorable Mentions

• Sint– A Dutch flick about the Germanic Sinterklaas, St. Nicholas (who in IRL threw chicks a bunch of money so they could avoid a life of prostitution like he was a Greek, 4th century version of OnlyFans), who for the purposes of this film returns to the region in which Bishop Niklas was killed by a mob to slaughter the descendants of those responsible. Aided by his army of sooty-faced Zwarte Pieten (the Black Petes), Saint Nick goes on an epic killing spree until the villagers band together to stop him.
• Black Christmas (1974)- I have written about this flick before, as it is a piece of cinematic history. This weird little gem is the very first slasher films (and the progenitor of the “the call is coming from inside the house” trope)
• Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)- like Black Christmas, this one is notable more for its place in history than its impact as a stand-alone film, as it is the first femme fatale actioner. With a plot ripped straight from Bourne, Geena Davis is a super straight-laced housewife with amnesia who discovers that she used to be a CIA assassin, and there are a considerable number of people who want her dead. If nothing else, watch it for Samuel L Jackson, who kills it. I don’t dislike the flick, but given the preference I would rather watch the Old Guard or Anna if I wasn’t recommending Christmas flicks, and this one occurs entirely within the Christmas

Badass Book Series

Donovan series by Michael Gear. There have been a few killer alien planet books over the years (all of which are fun, by the way), but the Donovan series by Michael Gear is the first book series I’ve read in years wherein I am actually anticipating the next installment release like old people and people on disability wait for the dude who sells the lotto tickets to arrive every morning. The series is rad world-building on a planet with a far more energy-rich environment with our own, and on which all of the plant/animals seem to exist in a delicate interconnected web of genetic symbiosis…. and they’re fucking hungry. On a planet where vines are snakes and snakes are vines, where leeches pierce your skin and then rapidly replicate inside their host, eating them from the inside, and the three-eyed telepathic dragons that partially communicate through color are trying to kill every human on its surface, life is a war.

There are three factions in this war and the entire thing sort of plays out like a microcosm of the formation of the United States, with the government, organized crime, and manufacturing sectors vying for control over their ever-dwindling arable land (the trees are carnivorous and can move the distance of a first down every time their planet circles its sun). It’s got intrigue and politics, rad horror and sci fi, and the whole thing comes together in a sort of a Deadwood-esque feeling scenario. Yeah, it is that fucking good. These books can make you laugh and cry in public if you’re the emotional type, so forewarned is forearmed.

We must all hope these things get turned into films, because they’d make for amazing companion films to anything from Ender’s Game to Aliens to Alien Vs Predator. Read them ASAP and get out ahead of this radness so you can be the one telling all of your friends you discovered this shit years before the movies dropped.

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