Chaos and Pain News, Or Why You Don’t Have A New Article This Very Minute

As some of you probably know, the CnP supplements dropped on Friday, which is slowing my output here a bit.  In spite of certain idiot Brits’ completely unfounded (and given the amount of free entertainment I provide, insolent) assertions to the contrary, I really don’t use the blog to pimp my wares.  Nevertheless, I know not all of you are Facebook fans, so I thought I’d give those of you a heads up.  To the butthurt- since none of you bitches have offered to step up and keep your rep up, might as well close your mealy, ignoble proverbial mouths and wait a couple of days for the next exercise fads article.  For the rest of you, here’s what’s up:

Cannibal Ferox

Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I pine for the halcyon days of training and supplementation- that late 1990’s/early 2000s period where gyms were filled with lunatics, and those lunatics were filled with Ultimate Orange.  There were no rules against chalk in real gyms, or cursing, or yelling, or slamming weights, or lifting shirtless.  Fuck, in those days, anything went.  Every real gym owner was a total psychopath, and was unseen until some hapless fuck broke some byzantine rule about which they could not have known if they were a regular (in the case of Worlds in Tucson it was leaning plates against machines or racks), and that broke rule was often met with a foaming-at-the-mouth insanity-fueled tirade, a beating, and the aforementioned hapless fuck broken and bleeding in the parking lot.  Water fountains were ripped out of walls and thrown at members.  Fistfights would break out as a matter of course.  Bodybuilders would attend powerlifting meets and vice-versa, and everyone would get good an hammered afterwards, eat a shitload of pizza, and fuck with each other good-naturedly about their respective sports.  We’re talking about places where 125 lb girls would get under 185 to squat it, then cross one foot over the opposite like a man sitting with his legs crossed and squat it to depth.  Competitions to see who could throw 315 into the air the highest.  The good old days.

Those days are deader than disco and most men’s libidos.  Gyms are sterile, quiet places filled with uninteresting people performing banal workouts before they return to their trite, bland home lives.  This sickens me, and I decided to do something about it.  That’s why I designed Cannibal Ferox- it might not be Ultimate Orange, but it might also be a damn sight fucking better.  Ephedra’s gone the way of the dodo, but so fucking what?  Instead of ephedra or DMAA, I found the next best things, jammed them together at the highest dosages the FDA would allow, added in nootropics to focus your jitters, and put it in the best-looking fucking container you’ve ever seen.  This is how Cannibal Ferox came to be- it’s a stackable, focus-oriented,  transparently-labelled  preworkout  that  addresses my beloved and oft-ignored “stimulant junkie” demographic.  Though Wayne (my partner in the business) prevented me from beating our old manufacturer to death with a claw hammer over their myriad fuckups, we learned from the experience and busted this one out using one of the original manufacturers for C4, so it’s fucking tasty, and brought you Watermelon Warmachine and Luminous Lemon Ice.

Some highlights:

• No “proprietary blends.”  With Cannibal Ferox, you know every wonderfully insane ingredient and their dosage within the bottle.  No more  guessing, and no more hoping- what you see is exactly what you get.
• Contains stimulant newcomers higenamine and hordenine to replace the hard edge of our fallen comrades ephedra and DMAA (1,2). 
• Jammed full of mood enhancers and  nootropics to ensure that workouts fueled by Cannibal Ferox will make you smash weights, rip water coolers out of walls, slap your lifting partner, and fuck your significant other into a coma when you get home… did I mention the blend causes steel hardons and euphoria?  No?  Well, it does.   

Cannibal Genius

Ever thought to yourself “I’m smart enough- I don’t need to be any smarter”?  If so, fuck off and die, as your idiocy might be contagious.  For the rest of us, I decided that the fuckers popping Adderall like Tic Tacs shouldn’t be getting one up on us just because they claim to have a disease invented by pharma companies to sell amphetamines to children.  Additionally, there are plenty of compounds out there that have actually been definitively proven to raise IQ, cognition, and memory.  thus, fuck those frat boys- it’s time we show them what happens when you load up on stimulants and racetams and tear through entire libraries in a weekend.  That’s why I made Cannibal Genius- there is a fine line between genius and insanity, and I intend to straddle it like a porn star on a Sybian.

Some highlights:

• As with all of our products, there are no bullshit proprietary blends.  
• Contains the racetam Noopept, a Russian pharmaceutical-grade supplement clinically proven to reverse the signs of aging and alcoholism on the brain, improve short term memory, and improve cognition (3).
• Includes acacia rigidula, a naturally occurring shrub that contains over 40 different amines, providing anyone who consumes it with an exceptionally broad spectrum of stimulants, including small amounts of a couple of different kinds of amphetamines, nicotine, and lots of other fun shit (4).

Cannibal Swole

I’ve made no secret in the past of the fact that I am not a fan of pump products.  They generally cripple me, as my lower back gets too pumped to move, and that generally puts me in a stabbing kind of mood.  I know, however, that I do not have the sole opinion of supplements on the planet, so i set out to make a pump product that actually serves a real purpose, rather tan simply serving to make 155 lb assholes in small Under Armour shirts look like 155 lb assholes.  As such, I jammed together a few of the pump ingredients that have been definitively shown to increase strength and endurance to make Cannibal Swole, a product that can also be stacked with Ferox to get the best of both worlds (and happily, agmatine also serves as a nootropic).

• Ideal for competitive athletes in tested competitions- 100% free of banned substances.
• No proprietary blends.
• Contains L-Citrulline and Agmatine, both of which are essential for the cell volumization that change increased strength and endurance and improved recovery from strength and endurance training from a dream into reality (5,6).
• Increases glucose uptake and regulation, so you get leaner as you get stronger (7).

Cannibal Inferno

This was, of course, the fist thing that hit the market, and was the outgrowth of about 7 years of tinkering in my kitchen to make myself the best fat burner I could.  I bought ingredients in bulk, weighed and measured and capped everything myself, then gave it to myself and my friends for experimentation.  What resulted from that experimentation was Cannibal Inferno, a transparently-labelled thermogenic targeted toward people looking for a viable replacement for the gap left in the fat burner market after the withdrawal of DMAA.  You guys know I love research, and I’ve researched the balls off Inferno-everything in it has been clinically proven to improve fat metabolism, increase the absorption of nutrients, or serve as an appetite suppressant, mood enhancer, or cognitive/memory enhancer.  Though I have no idea why other supplement companies have never read Dan Duchaine’s shit, they haven’t, so I’m the only one to include naringinen (grapefruit fruit extract) to increase and enhance the stimulatory effects of caffeine, hordenine, synephrine, and yohimbe.  It’ll have you sweating balls and climbing the walls while the fat melts off.

So, that’s what we’ve got rocking over at www.chaosandpain.com, in case you’re screaming for another article and wondering what I could be possibly doing with my time other than entertaining you.  After the next Fads article, I’ve got a fourth lined up, an article mocking the fact that 99% of paleo dieters are doing it wrong, the hormone blog, and a couple of other partially begun articles.  They’ll be coming fast and furious, so if there’s something you want in particular, let me know.

SOURCES:
1.  Kimura  I, et al. Positive chronotropic and inotropic effects of higenamine and its enhancing action on the aconitine- induced tachyarrhythmia  in isolated murine atria. Jpn J Pharmacol. (1994)
2.  Frank M, et al. Hordenine: pharmacology, pharmacokinetics and behavioural effects in the horse. Equine Vet J. (1990)
3.  Ostrovskaia RU, Gudasheva TA, Voronina TA, Seredenin SB.  The original novel nootropic and neuroprotective agent noopept.  Eksp Klin Farmakol.  (2002)
4.  Pawar RS, Grundel E, Fardin-Kia AR, Rader JI.  Determination of selected biogenic amines in Acacia rigidula plant materials and dietary supplements using LC-MS/MS methods.  J Pharm Biomed Anal. (2014)
5.  Pérez-Guisado J, Jakeman PM.  Citrulline malate enhances athletic anaerobic performance and relieves muscle soreness.  J Strength Cond Res. (2010)
6.  Elam RP, Hardin DH, Sutton RA, Hagen L.  Effects of arginine and ornithine on strength, lean body mass and urinary hydroxyproline in adult males.  J Sports Med Phys Fitness. (1989)
7.  McConell GK, Huynh NN, Lee-Young RS, Canny BJ, Wadley GD.  L-Arginine infusion increases glucose clearance during prolonged exercise in humans.  Am J Physiol Endocrinol Metab. (2006)