Close Only Counts In Horseshoes And Hand Grenades- Jamie Lewis Goes 1615 At 168.5 lbs

Jamie Chaos

January 28, 2013

As the saying goes, “close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades”, and that adage has never held truer than this weekend, when I went 615-355-645 after failing to make 165 by three pounds. Had I been able to drop the last three, I would have smashed the shit out of both the squat record (600) and total record (1565) at 165. Unfortunately for me, however, I couldn’t make weight in time and thus just posted another first ranked total at 181… after only training for a month and having dropped 15 lbs with walking pneumonia. With that lead-in, you can’t not be interested in the backstory, right?

The Backstory

At the beginning of December, I developed a minor fever that I thought I fought off within a weekend, though I was racked with tons of random cramping in my legs and back that left me unable to lift or fuck for a couple of days. That Sunday, I had my first brutal sweat during the night, after which I thought I was done being sick, as that’s usually the longest an illness will last in my life.

I was wrong.

If you eat wings prepared by a 19 year old mother of two whose kids have pneumonia after doing a Crossfit workout, these horrible little motherfuckers will likely take up residence in your lungs and ruin your life.

Over the next three weeks I got progressively sicker, and when I finally went to the doctor I felt moderately better than I had, and discovered I had a fever of 103. That was the best I’d felt in days, and only went to the doctor because I was coughing so hard I’d vomit up anything I had in my stomach. As such, I’d not eaten anything in days, and had barely been able to hold down liquids. When I finally stopped being feverish and coughing my ass off, it was January 2nd, and I was 173 lbs. I had lifted only three times in the previous three weeks, and had spent every waking moment I wasn’t at work in bed, sleeping 13-15 hours a day.

My story is this sad.

Getting back into the gym was a bitch. The only two decent workouts had in December were an overhead pressing workout in which I tied my PR at 355 in the behind the neck push press, and another in which I did jump squats with sets of 2 to 3 for about an hour with 455. In between sets, I’d poke my head out the back door and cough hysterically, puke a couple of times, then return to the squat rack. I’m not going to say I’m harder than Charlie Bronson for my efforts to stay in the gym while feverish to the point of delirium, but I would have felt like a badass if I hadn’t felt like I was getting ready to dig my own grave. I started back with a back workout that left me so sore and tight I couldn’t train the following day, and I realized I’d have to add back my volume gradually, which of course made me angrier than one of the member of the Westboro Baptist Church who got duped into attending a gay Satanist Convention in a gimp suit. Compounding matters was the fact that fatty foods, or foods high in calories made me feel awful, and I basically subsisted for two weeks on 93% lean hamburger patties in brown gravy and Quest protein bars. It was only in the last week before the meet that I actually had any decent workouts, wherein I doubled 335 on bench and 585 on squat. My upper back continued cramping horribly, so I only managed to get in about 18 workouts prior to the meet, which for me is nothing.

Unfortunately, this was not where my weight cut transpired.

In spite of the fact that I was a cripple, half-starved, and barely trained (for me), I still managed to put on a considerable amount of weight. Carb-depleted and in the midst of my water load for the meet on Wednesday night prior to what was supposed to be a Sunday meet, I weighed in at a paltry 188. Thus, I would have to drop 23 pounds by Sunday morning… or so I thought. That night at about midnight I received a text telling me that they might move the meet to Saturday, which was confirmed at about 6 AM. That killed my water load and had me start my water drop early, in addition to compressing my travel timeline and removing an extra day of lifting, as I lift up to 48 hours from the meet. I had three protein shakes and some Powerade, then quit drinking and took a hot bath while waiting to pick up my girlfriend from the train station at 1:45 AM. Asleep by about 2:30 AM, I awoke at 6 AM and hit the road for Myrtle Beach. After 3 hours of blasting the heat, I arrived at the weigh in site at 178.

The meet hotel was pimped.

The Cut

Over the next 7 hours, I spent every waking moment in either the hot tub or the sauna, desperately trying to get to 165 without the aid of an actual hot bath. A hot tub, I discovered, is unsuited to the task of a real weight cut, because just as people can’t stand hot wings that are actually hot, they can’t abide a hot tub that is either. When I weighed in at 2:45 I was horrified to discover that I was still three pounds over… a weight I could have cut with a hot bath and another couple of hours, but I’d have risked dying in a fiery car accident from passing out on the drive to and from the hotel, and would have fucked my recomposition. Deciding discretion is the better form of valor and that my Wilks could not be fucked with, I threw in the towel on the cut and headed to a pizza place nearby to begin my recomp.

At 188 on Wednesday.

Halfway through the cut.

Right before weigh in at 2:45. Can’t say I didn’t try. I look like I’m fucking dying.

By 10 PM I was 180.

This is what I looked like the morning after the meet- fucking awesome at 190.

The Meet
The meet actually went slightly better than I expected by not as well as I had hoped. Had I made weight I would have been a little more conservative on my third attempts in the deadlift and the bench, but as it stood I decided to go for PRs rather than a bigger total. For those of you about to talk shit on my squat number, I only squatted heavy twice in the last two months and Monolifts actually terrify me. Ridiculous, I know, but I’m used to squatting in squat racks that are bolted into the floor and don’t jiggle and sway when I’m locking the bar into my back. When I start a squat in the mono I always feel like I’m going to fall on my fucking face. Walking it out wouldn’t help, either, since the fucking thing is still swaying in the breeze like the Haitian flag in a hurricane while the Haitians are staging another revolt while I’m trying to set up. As promised, here are vids of my lifts.

For the squat, I had intended to go 585-615-635, and then take a fourth if I’d made weight. As I didn’t make weight and my head was fucked from the Monolift, my form looked like shit on my second (which looks decent to me) and then I just retook 615 for my third

Bench went great on my first two attempts (325-355), so I decided to hit a PR (385) and got stapled on my third.

Deadlift is always a crapshoot, because I never train it, so I had no idea what to choose for my attempts. My upper and mid-back, which have been bothering my since I spent a month coughing on my deathbed, proved to be my undoing. I went 605-645-680 in an attempt to hit a PR and missed it.

I looked fucking ridiculous the day after that meet- glycogen supercompensation is the shit.

All in all, it certainly could have gone worse, but I wish it had gone better. There were some really exceptional lifters in that meet, as well, like a 22 year old college kid who totalled 1860 at 220, after only doing one warmup on squat. He only did a single warmup set because they decided to put the pros in the first flight, which none of us anticipated. I got to the venue at 8 for an 8:30 start and was horrified to discover that I was in the first flight, because I suck at squatting early in the day and hadn’t yet eaten breakfast. Violating my own rule of keeping warmups to a bare minimum, I did five warmup singles in the ricketiest rack I’ve ever used, which nearly tipped over on me on the last warmup.

Nate assures me that not everyone from Mississippi is a retarded, fat hillbilly, but the jury’s still out on that one- I don’t believe he’s actually from that state.

Mississippi actually did me one better- he awoke to a text at 8:15 telling him our flight started in 15 minutes, and got to the venue in time to do a single with 495 before walking out for a 660 opener. [Edit] The dude’s name is Nate Davis, and he’s about to be the most insane 220 lber ever. His wrapped total at that meet puts him at 5th on the All-Time list for that weight class, which is sick considering he’s 22. Fun fact- Nate squatted 365 the first time he ever tried the lift… at age 13. Might as well not even bother with that class if you’re a 220 lber and your name’s not Jay Nera or Dan Green.

Hannah Johnson could beat your ass and would giggle while doing it.

I hung out with Hannah Johnson, an EFS lifter who manages to be hot as hell while strong as shit. She’s also hilarious, and the girlfriend and I really enjoyed hanging out with her at and after the meet- she probably cheered louder for every competitor than anyone else at that meet, which was awesome.

Additionally, I met Joe Ladnier, who was on the cover of the first Powerlifting USA I ever bought, and is the guy who really drove it home for me that you could be ripped and strong. He was an incredibly nice guy, if oddly shy, and it was cool as hell to meet him.

The meet ran well, the promoters were cool as shit, and I had a damn good time given my somewhat lackluster performance. Ah well- I can always fuck shit up at RUM.

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Jamie Chaos

I am a former all-time, all federation world record holder in raw powerlifting at 181lbs, a record I broke just to say fuck you to the internet’s “lifting” community and the powerlifting community at large. Over the last ten years I’ve written over 500 articles on strength training, nutrition, and supplementation, and continue to do so simply to fight the tide of weakness and sadness that currently pervades the scene I’ve called home for the better part of three decades. I’ve got personal trainin certs, BodyPump and BodyCombat certs, a BA in History and East Asian Studies from the University of Arizona, and MBAs from the Vienna University and University of South Carolina on my side, in addition to some sick lifts and a hell of a lot of rage. What the fuck have you got?

48 responses to “Close Only Counts In Horseshoes And Hand Grenades- Jamie Lewis Goes 1615 At 168.5 lbs”

GZCL

January 28, 2013

I missed weight too, by two fucking pounds. Shit is fucking lame. Regardless, you still posted stupid fucking impressive numbers.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  You were at that meet?
2. GZCL
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  Oh no, for the American Cup out here in California. I cut from 170 on Jan 7th to 150.8 on January 19th. Shit was fucking lame. I was dry heaving the morning of weigh-ins and had intestinal cramps like the Devil was doing an Irish jig on my small intestine. When I told them I wasn't even going to try to cut another two pounds one of them looked at me and said, "So you can't just take a shit?" Mother fucker…
3. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  The cramping was the worst part of the whole thing. I'm slouching in that 168 pic because my intestines were eating themselves and I felt like I had a singularity in my bellybutton.
4. GZCL
  
  February 2, 2013
  
  Fuck yeah man. It felt like I had a goddamn wolverine in my guts trying to eat itself out of there. My wife drove me up to LA for the meet/weigh-ins and I was in the passenger seat just fucking hating life. Then LA traffic came and I wanted to decimate that city like it were Hue, Vietnam.
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Phil

January 28, 2013

Nice write-up. Are you going to give 165 another shot? It looks like you could take the squat and total records.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  I think so, but I'll make the final decision on that in about two weeks. I'm fat and happy at 190 right now and kind of enjoying eating.
Herpa Dipderp

January 28, 2013

So… Walking Pneumonia… better than DNP for cuts.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  Probably has the same effect- the doctor estimated my nightly fevers at at least 106.
2. jakehildreth
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  How did your brain not melt? You're a hard mofo.
3. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  I have no idea. I slept with an icepack on my face most nights, which seemed to help. My girlfriend was up every two hours changing that thing. I'd venture to guess she's the reason I'm not braindead.
Nate Davis

January 28, 2013

Hillbilly…lol. My name is Nate Davis. It was great to compete with you Jamie. Surreal to be lifting with you after reading all your shit haha. I totaled 1860 btw: 760, 400, 700
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  Hahaha. It was awesome meeting you man. You're a fucking stud, even if you're from Mississippi. For any of you thinking of competing at 220- don't. This motherfucker squatted 365 the first time he ever entered a gym… at 13.
byu kid

January 28, 2013

Ran into one of your buddies at the meet I lifted in Idaho- the one who is missing part of his leg. Good guy.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  Ah- the IED guy from Call of Duty. Yeah, he's good people, and a hard motherfucker.
Hannah Johnson-Hill

January 28, 2013

Jamie,
We were glad to meet you and Krista! You put on a great show on the platform. Best of luck at RUM!
~Hannah Johnson-Hill
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 28, 2013
  
  Thanks! It was awesome meeting you guys as well. Let us know when you do your next meet and Krista will actually compete, haha.
ghjklbny

January 28, 2013

Great lifts man (although i'm surprised you don't deadlift, incredible total considering) eventhough I bet it felt shit to be 3 lbs overweight.

Oh and congrats on just bloody staying alive never mind lifting what you did and looking epic (do you have cannonballs hidden in your shoulders!) while doing it!
Adam

January 29, 2013

inspiring shit
jacked.
javi1989

January 29, 2013

Jamie, where did you find your fit gf. I want a gf that's seriously into lifting but I only see them at the gym and I feel like I'm interrupting their workout by talking to them.
1. Ben Quig
  
  January 29, 2013
  
  Is this question ever real? If you don't even know where to find a girl I'm not even sure you're into them.
2. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 29, 2013
  
  Hahahaha. I actually signed her up at Iron Sport years ago. She followed the blog and started emailing me about a year later, and we started dating when she was legal, haha.
Evrett

January 29, 2013

Fuck man you've got some balls. I've had walking pneumonia this entire past week and got my shit kicked in by it.
Vicious Suspicous

January 30, 2013

What i learned today

Jamie was sick
Pneumonia is the best alternative for cutting
You can lift some weight while having pneumonia
Jamie possibly has a much younger girlfriend,probably 20 years old, which is awsome.
Not having sex sucks
Jamie made some new friends
Rant is a fucking idiot
1. Rant
  
  January 30, 2013
  
  But what you failed to notice while wasting your time wanking off to shirtless pictures of 'occasional prohormone, but mostly tribulus man', was me and some homeless guy i picked up on the way spit roasting your mom. Fuck yeah!!!
2. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 31, 2013
  
  Jesus christ- there are parrots with more varied comments than your tired bullshit. How is it possible that your coworkers and neighbors haven't set your stupid ass on fire yet? Your incessant squawking must inspire enough hatred for at least a decent weekly beating.
  
  As for "while wasting your time wanking off to shirtless pictures of 'occasional prohormone, but mostly tribulus man'", you're the first to comment on half the blogs, you stupid motherfucker.
  
  At family reunions, you have to sit at the childrens' table, don't you? Sucks for those kids- listening to you repeat yourself over and over must be pure torture.
3. Rant
  
  January 31, 2013
  
  Ha ha ha, i love making you type!! It's like badger baiting but from the comfort of my chair (work chair – i get paid while doing this). Anyhow, do i detect a bit of tribulus rage there? Some people are so touchy. I'd drop the dosage if i were you.
4. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 31, 2013
  
  Original thought comes to you as easily as easily as self-control does to a fat chick at a buffet. You're retarded even for a troll. Congratulations on disgracing your family further
Flaming Moe

January 31, 2013

Rant's probably a teenager from bodybuilding.com, who probably gets off some kind of gay satisfaction when he annoys you Jaime. His line of always accusing you of using steroids is the trademark line of insecure kids from misc. or 4chan's /fit/.

He even goes the length to claim he makes money out out of sitting in a computer the whole day ( make-belief justification for playing video-games and browsing the internet the whole day) and claim he's "old" (which points to the fact that he's actually young) but can outlift people, it obviously points to a balant homosexual that doesn't even lift with stalker tendencies.

You probably made fun of one of his internet personas now he thinks he is exacting revenge on you.

I advise you and everyone else just plainly ignore him.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  January 31, 2013
  
  Holy Shit- the steroid Elmo doll called someone else boring? Takes one to know one, I suppose.
Eric

January 31, 2013

Rant is now the number one reason I come back here…Is Drey still around?
1. John Doe
  
  February 1, 2013
  
  I cannot wait to see if this actually pans out. Either way you should get Benny Podda if you can
Eric

February 1, 2013

Jamie…I'd love to hear that…and bring in MacCharles…to give it even more international flavor.
gkaczmar1

February 1, 2013

Jamie, how tall are you?
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  February 1, 2013
  
  5'5"
Keith T

February 1, 2013

Jamie – you seen this yet: 1637lbs @ 165lbs RAW no wraps?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwxwVjxiJYk

You are even mentioned in the description
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  February 1, 2013
  
  Haha. Yeah- the dude who posted it emails me occasionally. He's got the inside track on Russian lifting somehow, so I get all of the Russian PL news before you guys. Thanks for the head's up, though.
Keith T

February 2, 2013

Cool, I see he just posted your recent total up

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy9l6pvu7JA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
George

February 2, 2013

I don't understand how Rant cares so much about this blog/Jamie Lewis. I mean, its a fucking awesome blog and all, but yeah wow. Kinda strange IMO.

Man that sucks about not making weight. If I were you I would wanna take another shot at the 165 class one day.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  February 8, 2013
  
  I'll be going 165 at RUM.
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