Dieting And Training On a Galley Slave Budget, Part II- My Tried And True Methods

It seems of late that people have gotten extremely busy complicating something that is extremely simple- getting big and strong.  Idiots clad in day-glo spandex and in all manner of wraps, belts, and shoes populate every squat rack across the land, endlessly yammering on about their newest highly vaunted cookie-cutter online program, talking everyone’s fucking ear off about the intricacies of their diets and generally doing nothing useful whatsoever.  Resigned to mediocrity or sub-mediocrity, these vapid consumerists consider themselves an essential part of a community that they clearly misunderstand, because strength training is not about how much money you spend- it’s about how much heart, balls, hate, aggression, and self-motivation you apply in direct opposition to gravity and mass.  It’s not about allowing people you don’t know to dominate your bank account, because this community isn’t filled with sexy-ass Findommes (Finanacial Dominatrixes) talking shit to pussies to separate them from their money.  Well, upon reflection I suppose it is, though the Findommes in strength sports are generally fat, hairy guys running gear companies that aren’t particularly aesthetically appealing.  In any event, it doesn’t have to be that way- it can and is much, much simpler than a cursory examination of the conversations on any message board might otherwise indicate.

I can’t recall if I got this from Rogue, a sexual findomme, or some other strength equipment company.  Amusingly, it works equally well for all of them, though.

As we’ve seen in the previous installment of this series, people in the distant past and in modern correctional facilities have figured out ways to build massive amounts of muscle and strength without the benefits of modern technology, complicated programming, expensive gear or supplements, or really any of the things people today seem to think are indispensable.  For fuck’s sake, it was only with modern medicine, modern training facilities, the ability to do nothing but eat and train as a vocation, and modern convenience that Halfthor Bjornsson was able to break a thousand year old record set by legendary Viking Olm Storulfsson. carrying a 32-foot, 1,433 pound log two steps further than Storulfsson could before his back snapped and he died.  If that’s not significant to you, you must be busy in the back of the gym eating paste while wearing your helmet and your bib backwards- never fear, though, because they have powerlifting in the Special Olympics to accommodate people of your intellectual caliber.

If you do these, pretend I’m there as your high school wrestling coach screaming “GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF YOUR LEGS, YOU PUSSIES!”  Seriously.  Keep your fucking hands off your legs.

In my life I have had to do more with far less a couple of times, and while these times were highly annoying, they taught me a great deal.  During the majority of these periods I had unfettered access to some kind of gym, which should be first on your list of priorities.  As I’ve mentioned in past articles, you can do a hell of a lot with bodyweight work, and I managed to maintain a 500lb squat in jail without weights simply by doing a metric fuckton of Crossfit’s favorite “time-waster,” wall sits.  I’ve read some hilariously misguided posts about the uselessness of wall sits on social media, but like anything else, if you go hard enough with them, you will see results.  While in jail I would read while walking.  I would walk 100 yards, do a two minute wall sit, and repeat… for extended periods of time.  Over the course of 7 months I was able to maintain a fairly lean 195 lbs using nothing (for 5 of those months)- I got to lift 3x a week for two months) but dips, pullups, wall sits, the TRX-style movements I detailed here, and following the diet I’m about to outline.

“I had to take the last 6 months off because of financial issues.”  You don’t have ten fucking bucks?  Go fuck yourself.

In short, though, you can maintain a great physique and strength levels with virtually nothing, so suck it up and grab a membership at Planet Fitness til you have the cash for a better gym.  I’ve got one, because a few sessions of cables and machines are better than not training when you’re up against it.  While we’re at it, I have a TRX system at the house and resistance bands… because something is far better than doing nothing.

Could be chicken a la king… or regurgitated chicken a la king.  I doubt they taste significantly different enough to label correctly.

As I’ve mentioned previously, the food served in correctional facilities is not sufficient to fuel training- it’s barely sufficient to sustain life. Certainly, moves can be made- I was trading all kinds of shit to get extra milks, extra turkey ham (which is vile, but it’s protein), and extra trays.  Even with that, I think the most protein I managed to get in a day from jail food alone was 100 grams.  As such, I started supplementing with summer sausage and ramen noodles three times a day, on which I spent about $10 a day and which netted me another 100 or so grams of protein more.  Was it “quality protein”?  Fuck no, but I was still moving decent weight when I finally got access to the gym, and I held onto a tremendous amount of muscle.

You might wonder how Pauly Shore rocked better shoulder development in the 90s than half of Reddit’s r/weightroom, and I’d say the answer is “cocaine is a hell of a drug” (Mello).

The key, which might seem obvious but was hitherto mysterious to me because of my obsession with maintaining extremely low bodyfat year round, is to keep your calories high and your workload higher than Pauly Shore on vacation in Columbia.  When I’m not trapped in a concrete box, bored out of my fucking mind, and extremely limited on my food choices, I tend to focus almost to the exclusion of everything else on protein, which will work to an extent and then fail to take you to the mountaintop of hugeness.  Judging by the emails and IMs I get, many of you reading this fall into this trap- you focus entirely on getting 1.5-2g of protein per pound of bodyweight and think that’s all you need.  After a year of eating 6 meals of 30-50g of protein a day and virtually nothing else, your bodyweight stalls out at 150 lbs, you wonder why you’re not getting stronger, and you message me with questions about why you can’t make any progress… but if you just took a second to look at your diet, you’d see that it’s barely sufficient for a 13 year old girl who goes to Gymboree three times a fucking week.

This just in, guys- the only people making significant gains on 2000 calories a day are small children, burn victims, midgets, and people suffering from wasting diseases.  You might as well not even train if your goal is to gain strength and mass on so few calories.  In the day-glo, post-apocalyptic wasteland of the modern gym, you can look like fucking Rictus Erectus among the wraps and straps and bands and matchy-matchy Lulu Lemon-clad Instagram superstars if you simply eat your face off and stick to heavy fucking weights for a few months.  Seriously- it’s never been easier to look like a fucking monster in the gym than now due to the remarkably low standards pervading every gym on the planet, so now’s the time to buck the fuck up and set off on your own journey to one day stalk through the crowds of “weight lifting” idiots in the gym like you’re a ripshit-pissed Jason Voorhees in a recently reopened Camp Crystal Lake.

Wife material.

So the above example of a Viking who couldn’t be outlifted until a 400+ pound man mountain did it with every advantage of the modern professional athlete.  When he set that record, did it on an ancient diet without the benefit of refrigeration (though storing meat in lake water apparently keeps it from spoiling).  That means it was not all that easy to get the nutrition you need to become super strong back in the day.  Modern farming methods are mostly horrible, but they can churn out some fucking calories like they’re sperm on the face of a chick in a throatfucking vid.  One benefit of factory farming that is super cheap but most lifters never use is 80% lean beef.  It’s cheap as shit but fattier than Honey Boo Boos awful shitheap of a mom.  Fun fact though- if you cook and blot a pound of 80% lean ground beef you completely eliminate the need to buy the more expensive 90% lean ground beef.

“Cooking and draining ground beef significantly reduces fat and calorie content, as shown in the table below, which compiles data from the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Nutrient Database* and Iowa State University’s research** published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association. During cooking, both moisture and fat content decrease within the meat. On average, 4 ounces of lean raw ground beef becomes 3 ounces (about 85 grams) of cooked meat” (Garden-Robinson).

Check out the nutrition info on different meats:

So, using this knowledge and $100-$150 a week, you can eat your face off, have a very well-rounded diet, and fuel your gains.  As I’ve written at very great length, I despise bland foods.  Thus, this staple for me in lean weeks when cash is crazy short, it the Mexican staple of beans and rice, with the addition of ground beef.  You can change the flavors to suit your personal tastes, but this just gives you an idea of how cheaply you can eat big.

Poorer than that?  Well, if you can stand chicken thighs (I fucking hate them outside of a Chipotle burrito bowl), you can still bulk like an ancient Viking badass ten or twelve bucks a day.

One last protip for channeling your inner Olm Storulfsson- ditch that shit about “ego lifting” and go fucking nuts.  Do you think he was whining about how lifting for your ego did nothing for your strength or gains, or do you think he got crazy strong by having drunken strongman competitions every night?  Somehow I don’t think he was worried about his 7 rep max- he was worried about outlifting the other guys every goddamned day, just like the old German strongmen a few hundred years later.

Now get your head out of your ass and go get strong and big to the point that normal dudes just whip their nuts out and cut them off when you lumber past.

Sources:
Garden-Robinson, Julie.  Does draining fat from meat make it leaner?  Best Food Facts.  https://www.bestfoodfacts.org/lean-to-fat-ratio/

Mello NK, Mendelson JH, Negus SS, Kelly M, Knudson I, Roth ME.  The effects of cocaine on gonadal steroid hormones and LH in male and female rhesus monkeys.  Neuropsychopharmacology. 2004 Nov;29(11):2024-34.