So, runes aren’t your bag? Well, they work like a motherfucker for me. If that’s not gonna get you psyched, here are some other suggestions.

Pray about it. I don’t mean that you should fall to your fucking knees in the middle of the gym, weeping and wailing and acting like a fucking general asshole, but just think a silent prayer to whatever gods of your ancestors you might want to beseech. In my opinion, if you’re head’s in the wrong place, this sort of thing is a good idea, as at the very least, it gets you focussed. You might not get any magical boost in power from a fantastical source, but you will get your head right before a big lift.

I personally don’t recommend Yahweh for this job- he’s pretty much the patron saint of skinny martyrs and slaves. If that offends you, suck it up- it’s the truth. I’m of the opinion you should get a little more old school in your prayers, and think back to when big, brutal motherfuckers roamed the Earth seeking good old fashioned adventures chock full of brigandage, with the rapine and pillaging and the beheadings. making the streets run red with rivers of Ron Burgundy’s blood. That sort of thing. If you’re of Jewish descent though, and you really need the old Semitic god of Thunder, salt pillars, and spite on your side, you might want to read up on the Old Testament and find the appropriate passages.

For the rest of you, I suggest picking a god of your heritage and giving him or her big ups. Why? I think it activates some primal part of your brain, the kind of brain that doesn’t give a fuck about helping old ladies across the street, but just wants to break shit and ruin lives.

Some suggestions:

Norse/Germanic:
Tyr- The god of single combat, and pretty much the hardest person of Germanic blood ever to walk the Earth, this motherfucker is the MAN for psyching up for lifts. ChAoS&PAIN approved, right here. As he had one hand bitten off by a giant wolf in an effort to save the Earth, maybe a good choice for unilateral lifts…


Thor- Norse god of thunder, this badass slab of Germanic muscle is generally acknowledged as a true hardass, and would be a great patron god of GPP work with the sledge, since he’s known to slay motherfuckers with a bigass hammer.

Freya- Goddess of love, sex, war, and beauty, she’s important to pretty much everything that involves testosterone.

Japanese:
Hachiman- The Japanese god of war, this motherfucker brooks no shit from anyone. If there was ever a Japanese person capable of squatting a house WHILE disemboweling his mother-in-law for running her mouth, it’s him.

Hindu:

Shiva- It gets no better than Shiva, since he is the destroyer of worlds. Use his power to destroy gym records.

Russian:

Perun- The head of the Slavic pantheon, Perun is pretty much a combination of Tyr and Thor, only he carries a big assed axe and crushes serfs under his boots.

Aztec:
Camaxtli/ Mixcoatl- The Aztec gods of war and hunting. Kind of a pain in the ass to deal with in the gym, as they were generally given human sacrifices. Maybe a weak lifting partner? Up to you.

I don’t get it either.

Xochipilli- Aztec god of competition and beauty, a perfect fit for bodybuilders in particular. If you love lucha libre and have a bug up your ass to be oily and in a thong in front of your friends, he’s your man.

Celtic:

Dagda- This Irish fucker could kill 9 men at once with his magical club, and is the Celtic father god. Good times.


Morrigan/ Nemian- Irish fitness competitors should be psyched about this broad, as she is the Celtic goddess of war, and is associated with the Valkyries, who were badass bitches, not unlike The chicks in the movie D.O.A., hot and hard as nails.

Greek/ Roman:

Herecles- You know who he is. Recognize.

Enyo- A goddess of was thought to have been the mother or sister of Ares, usually pictured toplessx, covered in blood, and carrying weapons.

Hermes/ Mercury- Patron gods of greasy-haired athletes.

Apollo- Much like the god of lucha libre enthusiasts listed above, only for those who believe that Windex cures all ills, or those who call marinara sauce “gravy”, Baldur was the god of beauty. the Frank Zane of the gods.

Next time- magic stones, and a bunch of other random shit. The key, however, is that motivation can pretty much come from anywhere… it’s just all about finding out what works for you, and then using that to crush the opposition.

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