Hey Crossfit Haters- Prepare To Eat A Cock Sandwich

A disclaimer to begin- I am capable of differentiating between CrossFit and competitive CrossFit- and asked competitive CrossFitter Brooke Haas to explain the difference:

“Training CrossFit:
       -This is who the vast majority of my clientele are and I absolutely love it. These are people that use CrossFit for what it is truly designed for and in many ways it’s a means to an end. They don’t just want to be good in the gym but outside those walls as well. They want to be better cyclists, skiers, hikers, parents, grandparents, athletes… you name it. They use CrossFit to increase their base level of GPP (general physical preparedness) and this correlates to better performance in their specific sport or life.
It doesn’t mean they are any less of an “athlete” than any one of us out there, but they have different goals. In my opinion people can train CrossFit like this for a lifetime. We can come in the gym once a day, follow a 3 on 1 off cycle, or a 3 on 1 off 2 on 1 off cycle of training and see results for years to come. With good varied programming we will get strong, increase our endurance, see improved times, etc. Our work capacity across broad times and modal domains will increase which is the goal regardless. Over time we may need to target some of our weaknesses to help “level out” our work capacity but realistically it could take years and years to get there if at all. For some of us that day may never come depending on what our previous athletic/training background may be. 

      The sacrifice here is minimal. In most cases these people may just be switching training programs and their time commitments and priorities won’t change. Likely we would see these athletes making sacrifices for other goals they may have if any (qualifying for the Boston Marathon, winning a local mountain bike series, working to become a pro surfer). Either way CrossFit is there to develop their base and if any sacrifices are made they would be due to other avenues. 

2. CrossFit as a Recreational Sport:
-This is the person that has been introduced to CrossFit and enjoys the competition aspect of it. Maybe they enter a local competition and find themselves more attracted to this side of CrossFit. Team competitions, local throw downs possibly offering “scaled” divisions as well as “rx’d”, and CrossFit is starting to become more of a sport to them. These athletes may pay closer attention to targeting some of their weaknesses in order to “fast track” their fitness. This is a legitimate goal and one that I think a lot of people fall into. 

      Having specific and realistic goals here are going to be important to helping us define where we are along the line of the competition realm. A good association here is the difference between any recreational and professional sport. You may like to play tennis, golf, compete in a local soccer or softball club, go to swim meets, etc. but it’s a different demand and commitment than those that play those sports professionally.
Sacrifices may start to be required of those that are treating CrossFit more as a sport. Generally it’s going to be more time spent in the gym with either consistency or additional work. It may include some more specific programming outside of the regular class. We may need to pay closer attention to our diets and learn how to treat competitions and train for them as well as how to manage them. Overall it should still be FUN for us though. We can take it seriously but we also haven’t invested “all” of ourselves into an event so we SHOULD be having fun with the journey as well as the competitions along the way.

3. CrossFit as a Sport (Elite Level):
       -Some may think it’s a stretch to call it professional but I disagree. Those that are at the top of the field these days generally make it a living to train. The sacrifices here are heavy and things are not always fun. It’s work, hard work and these athletes are willing to put it in regardless of the outcome and they risk the time invested. I know a number of Games athletes and almost ALL of them either train at a gym, own a gym, or simply compete and do nothing else. Their lifestyle allows them to focus primarily on training and this is what it takes to be at an ELITE level. Most of them have lengthy previous experience in athletics or some kind of strength and conditioning program. Having a base level of fitness and having good exposure to strength training is a plus and although not mandatory it is rare to see people competing at a high level without this. It just takes a whole lot of hard work, and that takes time. 

       This athlete is someone that can basically do every workout on crossfit.com as rx’d, no scaling necessary and posts competitive times/scores with top Regional (top 5 or so) athletes and Games competitors past and present. They may go to some of the more well known competitions and place well. Qualify for Regionals without specific training for the Open and are legitimate contenders for the Games (Top 5-7 in a Region). Truthfully it’s a small percentage of the population of our community. One that makes sacrifices just as any other athlete trying to reach the peak of their sport would. We may find them working through aches and pains, potential injuries, and having to pay close attention on their training programs as well as maintenance outside of the gym as well. Specific programming is often required in the area of the athletes weaknesses and they have to be ever evolving as the demands of these competitors continually increase. Volume will typically increase depending on the age of the athlete and most of them will either have a coach or a group of likeminded individuals at a similar level to train with.
      The sacrifices that are made in the present for these athletes may or may not effect their overall well being in the future. Some of those aches and pains may turn into something more and the risk is worth the potential reward for these athletes. The goals they set in the near future can come at a high price, some who are willing just pay up.”

That said, allow me to begin this epic rant by addressing the video everyone who lifts and is on Facebook as seen- Elgintensity’s “Deadlifts from the Washed Up Loser Olympics.”  I’m sure half of you agreed with him in his commentary, as half of you were likely outdeadlifted by the 123 lb girls and/or 190 lb in that video.  As Elgin likes to say, “haters gonna hate,” because he’s a fucking halfwit who’s marginally more original than his poor man’s Ben Stein delivery would indicate, and he lives up to that credo with every second of his “I’ve never seen a strongman deadlift in competition” commentary.

Before we continue, let’s look at the God of the Waterheads’ in gym performance.  At a skinnyfat and wholly unimpressive bodyweight that appears to be 180 lbs of bird shit, Elginsaddity is apparently setting the weak-as-fuck and sloppier-than-Phillip-Seymour-Hoffman’s-rotting-heroin-infused-corpse ass end of the strength training world on fire with a 425lb squat that impresses literally no one on Earth, an actually respectable 335 bench, and a CrossFit-tastic 545 deadlift.  In other words, he is basically on par with the strength levels of the Crossfitters upon whom he incessantly bags, but is in no way, shape or form strong enough to consider himself the authority on lifting he apparently does.  But wait, you might be thinking- isn’t this entire article about how Crossfitters don’t suck at lifting, and is it not hypocritical to then call Elgin a mediocre lifter?  Not at all, because CrossFitters consider themselves CrossFitters and don’t provide the powerlifts as the sole metrics of their overall strength, as the “Subhuman’s Champion” does.  This “champion” is in reality a mediocre lifter who does a bad Ben Stein impression while demonstrating a laughable paucity of strength training knowledge and above-average Windows Movie Maker skills.

In an effort to garner undeserved internet fame by capitalizing on the wave of butthurt in the strength community that is CrossFit hate, Elginsaddity put himself front and center in the interminable “I hate CrossFit because I’m fat and weak and they’re at the very least not fat” discussion by posting a couple of videos criticizing the “form” used by CrossFitters.  This is, of course, the How this trend got started is up for discussion- I’d posit it’s likely due to the incessant rambling by CrossFitters about the superiority of their sport in comparison to others.  Like chihuahuas and their incessant ankle-biting and yapping, the CrossFitters’ ankle-biting and yammering is certainly obnoxious, and some measure of hatred of them is therefore deserved.  Unlike Chihuahuas, however, CrossFitters are not simply rackety, useless creatures capable of doing nothing but impotent aggression, carpet shitting, and general obnoxiousness (no, that’s left to the fans of Elgin Mones).  CrossFitters might be more annoying than a roomful of 16 year old entitled cunts at a Sweet Sixteen birthday party, but they are generally incredibly good-looking, reasonably (and in some cases exceptionally) strong people who compete in a sport that has in a few short years eclipsed strongman, powerlifting, and Olympic weightlifting in popularity.

Yeah- as much as you guys wish it weren’t so, CrossFit is actually an immensely popular spectator sport.  Whereas no one in their right mind travels to a powerlifting or Olympic weightlifting or powerlifting meet to serve as a spectator, and few major strongman meets draw appreciable crowds, the CrossFit Games have drawn crowds of between 24 and 30 thousand people the last couple of years.  Though the popularity of any given thing is often inversely proportional to the coolness of that thing, the willingness of the average person to watch a bunch of people engage in exercise that average person cannot possibly comprehend or associate with any physical activity is rather telling.  Clearly, the sport has a hook that extends beyond a bunch of people with too much money, board and booty shorts, and a collection of cameras that would shame even the most extreme Instragram-obssessed narcissist- it’s appealing to a spectrum of people that includes a wide array of strength and aesthetics sports, in addition to the average person.

I realize, however, that many of you will claim that my statement regarding the strength of CrossFitters is specious, as literally none of the internet’s CrossFit naysayers even possess the modicum of motivation necessary to do the scantiest of research, nevermind actually pick up something heavy (if you haven’t yet caught on, I’m stating, unequivocally, that it is only pussies who claim to lift and dont, shmoes, and undeservedly self-important Asian ambulance chasers who hate CrossFit [with one notable exception]).  So, without further adieu, let’s examine metrics collected from the CrossFit website itself by author and scientist Chris Beardsey of Strengthandconditioningresearch.com.  Let me reiterate- these metrics were not fabricated by myself, nor were they fabricated at all- instead, they are considerably dated (which I’ll address shortly), low-end metrics provided by the CrossFitters to CrossFit over the last few years, compiled and analyzed by Chris Beardsley.  I realize Elginsaddity’s fans have already had problems wrapping their feeble, protein-starved, undertrained minds around this fact, so I will reiterate once more:

First off, we need a baseline for the determination of relative strength.  Thus, we must take a look at the bodyweight.  The top 125 Crossfitters in the country are all roughly between 150 and 225 lbs, the bulk of them (and seemingly the most successful of them) are between 180lbs and 210lbs, and the median all of the top 500 CrossFitters is about 190 lbs, which would put them in the 181 class for powerlifting.  Yes, the 181 class- they’re actually competitive athletes, meaning they will compete at their optimal bodyweight using whatever means are at their disposal to ensure victory.  As such, we will use performance metrics for 181 lb athletes to assess their performance.

Though likely of little interest to the bulk of you, I found it interesting that the best of the CrossFit men, with one notable exception in that little 150lber, are between 5’10” and 6′ and between 190 and 205.  Here’s a comparison of the height and weight of the top 500 CrossFitters:

So then we have the metric I’ve mentioned I find laughable in CrossFit- their back squats.  By powerlifter standards, CrossFitters just can’t hang… or can they?  Using the USPA standards, 501 is a master classification, 547 is elite, and 596 is international elite.  Given that I have only been outsquatted once in the history of the 181lb division, I feel like I am entitled to cast aspersions on everyone in terms of squatting- I don’t use any progression scheme, follow no program, and don’t even back squat fully outside of meets much.  I do a combination of jump squats and partials, and with that, I’ve got the second best unwrapped squat in the history of powerlifting.  Elginsaddity’s squat is suicide-inducing, and I’m not even sure his buttbuddy Robbie has legs… so their opinion is null and void.  CrossFitters, however, can weigh in on the topic, because in spite of the fact that they don’t even really train the lift, they’re better at it than most parties.  Plenty of CrossFitters have a 500+ squat, which would get them into the top 30, and 6 CFers have a squat would land them in the top 8.

Guess who’s nowhere near the top of anything at 181?  Elginsaddity.

So, there you have it.  CrossFit might be at times somewhat homoerotic.  It certainly sucks at times.  But competitive CrossFitters are not, as are popularly bandied about “washed up losers.”  The only people who would characterize them as such are never-beens and never-will-bes, like your friends Elginsaddity and Robert whatever the fuck his name is not memorable and should die in a fire because he’d have to have sex to have AIDS.

Congratulations, fans of those pussies!   You suck in multiple dimensions.  And to Elgin Mones and Robert Frank, you two fuckers are nothing, will amount to nothing, and mean nothing to the world at large.  Your fans fucking suck, you suck, and the lot of you should fucking head to New Guinea and drink some fucking Kool Aid, the useless, worthless, and weak omegas that you are.  You’re weaker than the people over whom you profess superiority, which is fucking weaker than an AIDS baby in a Oly meet.  You don’t understand strength sports, fail to understand strength metrics at any point, and lack the testicular fortitude to prove yourselves on the fucking battlefield… unlike CrossFitters.

By the way, you two pussies- I’m smarter, stronger, more well-accredited, leaner, and have a hotter fucking girlfriend than you.  Find a fucking bridge and jump off it.  Your fans’ shit talking is fucking noise in the wind, and you two pussies are corpses in search of a fucking tomb.  Pathetic.

So to the rest of you, stop listening to know nothings who will be never be nothings- I have proven myself because I fucking hate people.  They’ll never prove themselves, because they’re leeches.  Treat them as such.  Salt those pussies.  Move on with your lives.  SALT IS GOD.

That is all.