Killin’ These Shots Like RIP, Part 2

Jamie Chaos

November 29, 2013

Given the fact that the holidays are now upon us, it seems only right that I should rehash the benefits of alcohol consumption on the strength athlete, since everyone’s going to be fucked-in-half drunk for the bulk of the next month. As I posited previously, it’s going to happen whether or not you believe it will have a positive impact on your gains, as extreme risk takers are prone to bouts of binge drinking. Beyond that though, there are plenty of reasons why drinking’s not the enemy to gainz in the way Jeff Foxworthy is an enemy to comedy you might still think it is.

Good strength athletes are, by and large, risk-taking attention seekers who live in a world where maintenance of the status quo is as unthinkable as running a 24 hour brothel and meth lab out of their parents’ basement . Compounding this is the all-American work-yourself-around-the-fucking-clock ethic, to which people who are extremely competitive are even more susceptible to driving themselves to the brink (or in my case, far enough past it I might start bottling my own urine soon) of insanity. Psychologists have an explanation for why, then, people of our ilk like to get fucked-in-half drunk or high as shit on a semi-regular basis:

“[The elite] are expected to work hard year round. Even play is work – camp is for honing athletic skills, losing weight, learning to write or make movies – that is, almost anything but just plain fun. So no wonder that by the time they get to college, adolescents are anxious, depressed and stressed out. How do they deal with these feelings? They work hard at what they see as relaxation – like binge drinking. Ask any of these youngsters, and they will tell you they are trying to get drunk because it’s the best way they know to have fun. They are working at playing the way they have learned to work at living” (Barth).

Given that analysis, it stands to reason that people who kills the fucking weights 6 days a week, sometimes multiple times a day, might need the occasional evening of watching tentacle rape hentai with their underwear on their head while fucked up on vicodin and vodka. It’s not as though people who are constantly killing themselves at self-improvement would ratchet down the intensity whatsoever when they’re trying to relax- it’s not possible. Being brutal is wired into the self-conscious just as not masturbating and white knighting chicks on internet message boards is wired into the psyche of every dude under the age of 27 who’s at a bodyweight of 150 lbs or less.

Having established that it’s natural, one might wonder what effect it might have on their gainz. As I covered in the last installment, the effect on training, if training is the only factor at issue, is likely negligible. That’s not to say it has no effect or a negative effect on the rest of you, however. Studies have shown that “moderate drinkers have a more favorable self-perception of their health status than either abstainers or heavy drinkers”(Brodsky), “more experienced drinkers were more specifically focused on enhanced sexual and aggressive arousal”(Ibid), and that drinkers of vodka in particular become far more sociable (Darkes, Goldman). If you’re not getting how that translates to lifting, it means you’re going to be more aggressive, happier, and leaner because you’re getting laid, like yourself more, and generally be more awesome than you were before. If you can’t muddle through how that might help your lifting, you might just want to stop reading and throw yourself down a well.

Quad growth might suffer.

Ah, but you might have caught on that the greatest benefits of drinking come when you’re a “moderate” drinker. A cursory search of psychological journals puts “moderate” drinking at 2.5 to 5 drinks per day, depending on the source, which means you get between 17 and 35 drinks a week to remain moderate. That’s a hell of a lot of shots, in my book, and is the perfect segue to the crux of this post- getting fucked up post workout brings the gainz. Scientists recently discovered, and I am not making this up, that consuming a drink containing grain alcohol (like Tucker Max’s “Tucker Death Mix”) raised both free and total testosterone for five hours post workout, whereas those who did not consume the frat boy rapist punch had their test levels fall below baseline. Happily, the alcohol had no effect on cortisol or estradiol levels, so the dudes in the study were just floating in a sea of dying brain cells and testosterone-fueled awesomeness (Vingren).

How much is enough to get the nearly 100% boost in testosterone postworkout science has recorded? It depends on your bodyweight. For matters of convenience and exigency, I decided to make a little chart for you guys to give you the proper dosage to spike your test levels properly using the study’s 1.09mg/kg bodyweight ratio organized by weight class, as this is after all an article aimed at serious lifters. For the Oly guys and IPF/USAPL (/sadfaceissad) among you, these are the weight classes that existed before the IOC decided that you guys couldn’t hang with the old school lifters.

How the fucking guys in the study made it home is a mystery- they sure as hell didn’t drive, and if they did, they didn’t live, because they slammed that shit in 10 minutes. I can drink with the best of them, but I’ve never faced half a liter of vodka in ten minutes- that’s some Decline of Western Civilization style drinking, and I’m not sure I can hang with the likes of 1980s hair metal bands.

Bring tha gainz.

In other words, here is your plan for the holidays- whenever you’re planning to party, smash the fuck out of some weights, slam a shake, and then drink yourself into a coma. According to science, you’ll awaken with a steel hardon (and who doesn’t get horny as fuck when hungover?), muscle gain, fat loss, and an appreciation for what Peter The Great’s life must have been like before he died of a gangrenous bladder.

Dude literally made people take a shot every 15 minutes at his parties and would punch them in the face if they remained sober.

Sources:
Alcohol equivalence. Wikipedia. Web. 29 Nov 2013. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcohol_equivalence

Barth, FD. Can’t Relax? Science Explains—and Helps Solve the Problem. Psychology Today. 13 Jul 2013. Web. 26 Nov 2013. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201307/can-t-relax-science-explains-and-helps-solve-the-problem

Brodsky, Archie. S. Peele & M. Grant (Eds.). Alcohol’s Role in a Broader Conception of Health and Well-being. Alcohol and pleasure: A health perspective, Philadelphia: Brunner/Mazel, pp. 187-207.

Darkes, J., & Goldman, M.S. (1993). Expectancy challenge and drinking reduction: Experimental evidence for a mediational process. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61, 344-53.

Drinking booze after workouts boosts testosterone. Muscular Development. Dec 2013. 198.

Goldman, M.S., Brown, S.A., & Christiansen, B.A. (1987). Expectancy theory: Thinking about drinking. In H.T. Blane & K.E. Leonard (Eds.), Psychological theories of drinking and alcoholism (pp. 181-226). New York: Guilford.

Ultimate Post-Workout Testosterone Booze: Hard Liquor Increases Late PWO Testosterone Levels by Almost 100%. SuppVersity. 11 Mar 2013. Web. 29 Nov 2013. http://suppversity.blogspot.com/2013/03/ultimate-post-workout-testosterone.html

Vingren JL, Hill DW, Buddhadev H, Duplanty A. Post-Resistance Exercise Ethanol Ingestion and Acute Testosterone Bioavailability. Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2013 Mar 6.

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Jamie Chaos

I am a former all-time, all federation world record holder in raw powerlifting at 181lbs, a record I broke just to say fuck you to the internet’s “lifting” community and the powerlifting community at large. Over the last ten years I’ve written over 500 articles on strength training, nutrition, and supplementation, and continue to do so simply to fight the tide of weakness and sadness that currently pervades the scene I’ve called home for the better part of three decades. I’ve got personal trainin certs, BodyPump and BodyCombat certs, a BA in History and East Asian Studies from the University of Arizona, and MBAs from the Vienna University and University of South Carolina on my side, in addition to some sick lifts and a hell of a lot of rage. What the fuck have you got?

21 responses to “Killin’ These Shots Like RIP, Part 2”

The Verb

November 29, 2013

May your words live forever for helping fight this fucking atrocity/illusion/disease I call "the meekness" that intends to infest all of us.
Justin_PS

November 29, 2013

What makes me leery of this stuff is that recovery happens during deep sleep, right? Isn't it a pretty well established fact that booze interferes with getting to deep sleep?

Then again, I am drinking while reading and writing this.

Nice touch by grabbing the pic from the Bad Ass book though.
Herp Derpington

November 29, 2013

Peter the Great died after jumping in a frozen lake to save a drowning man. Your point remains the same, I'm just a big nerd.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  November 30, 2013
  
  "Peter died between four and five in the morning 8 February 1725. An autopsy revealed his bladder to be infected with gangrene. He was fifty-two years, seven months old when he died, having reigned forty-two years."
2. Lonnie
  
  December 3, 2013
  
  lol
Dave Tart

November 29, 2013

I am reading this after one G&T and two beers…
For the Gainz.
Unknown

November 30, 2013

The porn is starting to verge on self parody.
1. Jamie Lewis
  
  November 30, 2013
  
  That was a fan request, haha.
Glen MacCharles

November 30, 2013

Only geeks don't like getting fucked up.
Massengill

November 30, 2013

true story. my granite physique is made of nothing more than cheeseburgers and bourbon.
John Krupka

November 30, 2013

I've noticed this effect several times. I would train balls out on Friday bout noon, eat a good lunch and a giant dinner of beef and potatoes, then proceed to get butt-fucking wasted with my friends. I always sleep like shit when I drink, but I'll regularly wake up at my buddy's place just yoked as shit, which always seemed weird. My lady even commented how diesel I looked, so I know it wasn't just me. I also noticed that after about 3-5hrs of being awake, the pendulum will swing the other way and I'll end up softer than usual. I wonder if it's due to hormone swings from poor sleep or something else. Any idea on if the frequency of this application will alter the results? I'd like to figure this bitch out and put it in my toolbox so I can look awesome while going on benders. Good shit as always, thanks Jamie.
1. Cyclefag
  
  December 1, 2013
  
  I would imagine it's hydration
Russ

December 1, 2013

Vikes are da bomb…Dude with me when I'm super hanged over is that I have the most awful food cravings late that night and the next day…but also some of the best time under the bar has come after being bent on vikes and booze the evening before.
Russ

December 1, 2013

Loathe bench too. Squat and o' er head press all the time
Anonymous

December 2, 2013

Fuck drinking, i'm gonna smoke my herb as usual.
The Blob

December 4, 2013

People also smoke more whe they drink, that's about as well-established a testosterone-raiser as there is.
powerrager

December 10, 2013

Excellent article but 3 serious questions:

1. What about beer? I'm a homebrewer and beer snob. My idea of getting fucked up is neer festivals or drinking some 15 imperial IPAs and stouts in a night. Its a lot of carbs, and ive heard some bros say hops act as a phytoestrogen, similar to soy. Is this true or broscience? Can I achieve dem gainz drinking only beer ( good beer, keep in mind… ipas, stouts, barleywines, belgian doubles and triples, etc…)

2. What about the lack of sleep / shitty sleep you get? When im out drankin I usually rage till 2 or 3 am. Wake up the next day feeling like shit.
Mago

December 10, 2013

Jamie,

Much of the robotic behavior of everyone under 30 is caused by the education system that discourages creativity and produces obedience.

I recommend you read John Taylor Gatto's enlightening book, "Dumbing Us Down" and "Weapons of Mass Instruction" that discusses such issues and the incremental growth of global socialism that is like a cancer.
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