The last two years of my life have been, as I’ve mentioned in prior articles, about as outlandish and hyperbolic as two years could be. Amidst all of the partying and my subsequent incarceration, I took a number of layoffs… which was a bit of a shock after about 20 years of training in which I never took a week off. When I was asked a few years ago how best to come back from a layoff I was as mute as I would have been if someone cut off my fingers and tongue, because I had no clue- I’d never come back from a layoff. Now that I’ve been a colossal shitbird / party animal, however, I have a damn good idea because I’ve done it a number of times- where I wouldn’t respond previously for lack of knowledge I now am equipped to lay out a plan for anyone interested that will have them rising from the ashes of their layoff like Dark Phoenix to lay waste to everything around them and slay weights like they’re Pygmies and you’re the Congolese Army.
The reason for this is the bit of bro science we all know as “muscle memory”… which as it turns out is actual science. According to one study:
“Even if subsequently subjected to grave atrophy, the higher number of myonuclei is retained, and the myonuclei seem to be protected against the elevated apoptotic activity observed in atrophying muscle tissue. Fibres that have acquired a higher number of myonuclei grow faster when subjected to overload exercise, thus the nuclei represent a functionally important ‘memory’ of previous strength. This memory might be very long lasting in humans, as myonuclei are stable for at least 15 years and might even be permanent” (Gunderson).
If you went full blank-faced, wide-eyed Lindsay Lohan when you saw the word “myonuclei”, the TLDR is that muscle memory lasts at least 15 years and might be permanent, which means you’ll be able to regain your peak level of strength with far less effort than it took to achieve initially when you finally decide to pick the barbell back up. That’s fucking epic, but I suppose it makes sense- once you’ve climbed to the peak of a mountain, hunting around for the best access point to the peak, each subsequent effort will go much more quickly and smoothly because you’ve already been there.
- To me, having anything but elite strength is embarrassing in the same way that shitting your pants at your own wedding is embarrassing, and I’d like to whet my teeth on some machines to feel out weights and build a little baseline strength before I potentially embarrass myself on the bench or in the squat rack.
- I know myself- I will want to max out as soon as humanly possible to see where I stand and how far I have to go. With no physical preparation, this is fucking stupid- your body has lost its rhythm, you don’t have good bar paths, your ligaments and tendons are totally unprepared to handle heavy weights, and all of the tiny support muscles, like the supraspinatus, are totally detrained. Even if you don’t hurt yourself physically, you’re likely to hurt yourself mentally by hitting the free weights and getting stapled by a weight that should be easier than finding a Nazi in Charlottesville.
Move like you’re Chris Kattan on an eight ball of coke during this first fortnight of training- you’re not in the gym to chat up the insanely hot guy/girl/trans person you’re ogling from across the gym, and you likely don’t look good enough to pick them up anyway. So walk your jiggly ass quickly to the water fountain after each set, get a quick drink, then go right back to your next set. It’s not like you’re in the kind of shape wherein you’re gonna pick up anyone at the gym anyway, so keep it fucking moving and burn off some flab while you’re getting back in the swing of things.
Week 1 and 2
Day 1- Chest and Shoulders
Chest Press- 3×8; 3×6; 1 death set with 80% of the weight you used in your first 3 sets (death set is a set done to complete failure [i.e. death])
Incline Chest Press (or Incline Smith)- 4×10
Pec Deck/Cable Crossover-3×12
Machine Shoulder Press- 2×10; 5×8; 1 death set with 80% of the weight you used in your first 2 sets
Lateral Raises- 5×10
Real Machine Laterals- 4×10
Day 2- Back
Hammer Row / Dumbbell Row- 6×8
Pullups- 4xAMRAP
Cable Row- 2×10; 2×8; Death set with one plate lighter than your first two sets
Face Pulls- 3×20
Day 3- Legs
Leg Press / Squat Machine- 3×10; 3×8
Leg Curl- 5×10
Leg Extension- 4×10
Calf Raise- 3×50 (yeah, sets of 50. I believe I picked this little tidbit up from Tom Platz and told my last training partner about it. They hadn’t been able to grow their calves for shit using any method, and this method blew them up fast)
Day 4- Arms
Rope Curls- 6×10
Rope Pushdowns- 6×10
Dumbbell Curl- 4×8
Dumbbell Skullcrusher- 4×8 (these are done laying on the floor, legs out straight, bringing the dumbbells down just above and outside your ear. Rest the dumbbell on the floor for one second, then return to the starting position.)
Day 5- Potluck for 45 minutes
This is a fill in the blanks day- I just bounce around the gym for 45 minutes getting a pump on. If you want to ogle that chick you’ve been side-eying all week, go work out near her. I’d recommend doing more calves (your calves can never be too big), some forearms (your grip is going to need work, as are your callouses), and more shoulders. Shoulder strength seems to have the most carryover to other lifts, in my experience, and jacked shoulders will make you look bigger than you are while you’re training to refill those shirts that have gotten a little loose on you. Really, though, what you do on this day is entirely up to you. Just get your ass into the gym and train like breaking the dry spell that has you rocking a half gallon of yogurt in your pants depends on it. Because it does.
Days 6 and 7- Off
Now, as I mentioned, I realize some of you lack access or have some horrible allergy to machines, which I have to say is lamentable. Nevertheless, it is of course possible to rise out of your indolence utilizing only barbells, though you won’t have the same hypertrophy that the machine users use, in all likelihood, because you will be forced to use light weights while you relearn your bar paths, and you’ll likely be far more sore because you’ll have to utilize far more stabilizers than the machine users would. For non-machine users, I recommend the following (because I had to do this in the past year as well):
Day 1– Chest and Shoulders
Bench Press- 3×10 (12RM); 3×5 (8RM); 1 death set with 90% of the first 3 sets’ weight
Champagne Press– 4×8 (10RM)
Incline Flies- 3×8 (10RM)
Strict Military Press- 4×10 (12RM)
Lateral Raise- 3×10 (12RM)
Rear Lateral Raise- 3×10 (12RM)
Day 2– Band Work
Tricep Pushdowns- 10xAMRAP
Curls- 10xAMRAP
Day 3– Back and Shoulders
Pendlay Row- 5×8 (10RM) (pull explosively into your solar plexus to the point that you’re bruised)
Pullups- 6x AMRAP-2 (so you’re stopping just short of failure on every set)
Face Pulls- 4×20
Lateral Raises- 6×8 (10RM)
Day 4– Band Work and Bodyweight Work
Pullups- 75 total reps, in as many sets as it takes
Dips- 150 total reps, in as many sets as it takes
Tricep Pushdowns- 5xAMRAP
Curls- 5xAMRAP
Day 5– Legs
Squat- 5×5 (10RM) (going light on these because you’re going to be fucking sore, and getting back in the groove on the squat is by far and away the hardest thing you’re going to have to do in this month)
Stiff Leg Deadlift- 5×8 (10RM)
Calf Raise- 3×50
Days 6 and 7– Off
First
Lol. Congrats!
Third
Goof
That's no way to speak to a lady
You know what these comment sections are missing? The old gang. Whatever happened to people like Dray, the queer pebble lifting faggot. And where's Glen? Or has somebody gotta pop round his trailer to tell him to get his pc back from the pawn shop. I miss the old gang, bunch of shit stabbers.
Sixth
Pretty sure Dray killed himself or quit lifting and Rant became a Jamie fanboi after they kissed and made up online. It's less controversial making fun of Rippetoe, vegans, redditors, TNation now. So comment section is not as fun anymore.
Glen's all over FB making crazy anti-liberal posts.
It'll pick back up once people realize I'm not gonna disappear again.
Rant never killed himself, i'm still here.
Good for Glen, was he driving that car in Charlotsville the other day?
Glen's here: https://www.youtube.com/user/BigTurd
i'm still alive, although a few years back i did almost drink myself straight to death
Good to see you back posting. This article couldn't have come at a better time, as I'm just about to get back to it after spending a couple of months completely jaded and burnt out. Chomping at the bit to get back to the heavy stuff, but this method seems a hell of a lot more sensible.
As an aside, what do you make of the fascination with unilateral training I seem to see in commercial gyms of late? I had been training at home for a few years, and when I stepped back into a proper gym, all I seemed to see was a bunch of kids doing unilateral DB squats, unilateral DB benches etc etc. For the majority of those people it looks like it would be beyond fucking useless, but maybe I'm missing out on something useful?
Anyways, keep up the good shit man.
It's useful as accessory work, I suppose, but I wouldn't advocate it as the basis of a program. I've no idea why it's in vogue- no one who's strong does it, and no one who's jacked does it. It's probably popular for the same reason short shorts and Donald Trump are popular- the world has lost its fucking mind.
Ffs Jamie, don't you want to see an end to all this sjw, fat ugly lesbian, male feminist bullshit that's taking over recently? Or all the muzzie terrorists shipped back to Rajastan or wherever they come from? The world's gone nuts.
As to unilateral work, i spent some time recently doing one arm dumbbell floor presses to help take some pressure off my always aching front delts. I hadn't much faith in it when i first tried them, but it worked out surprisingly well. Much easier manhandling one bell into place using both hands than trying to do the exercise with two bells
Probably kids thinking it's more functional. MAGA
Sally, I honestly don't even notice that shit- it doesn't really enter my (extremely)small circle of friends and acquaintances. Yeah, it's fucking retarded that people are such pussies, but other than liquidating them, I've no idea what to do about it. People that weak cannot be strengthened with enthusiastic rejoinders and violent essays about the necessity of toughness.
These days I am thinking something like full body everyday is the cure for everything.
My current preference is alternating squat and dead day (plus a bit of back and biceps)
With squat bench ohp or dips.
I would imagine after a lay off just one set of hardly any effort on day one and gradually build up to full blown train into the ground glory.
Squat every day…even if some days its an air squat holding a five k plate – which sounds about right after a lay off.
Oh yes, one area that always gives me an arse poke after a long lay off- calves. Caution when training calves again.
Go and beat up some Nazis.
Can confirm muscle memory is real. I went a year+ without seriously training.. dragged ass after a meet where I finally pulled 500+ due to low motivation, then sidelined with insanely painful sciatica that I thought was some disc issue but turned out to be a benign tumor called an osteoid osteoma in my fibula (took 2+ years to diagnose, trained through it for 2 years until it became unbearable).. ended up with a legit 8 months without touching a weight. Had the tumor successfully removed after a botched attempted. Just today in the 4th real week of training since the layoff I pulled a very easy 455 that I could have tripled. I suspect I'll pull 500 in another 4 weeks or so. Squats I've seen similar re-gain and the upper body is lagging a little but still seeing rapid improvement week to week. I think I'll be back at previous upper body strength levels in 6-8 weeks.
Having had a couple days to think about it, this is my confirmed favorite thing you ever wrote:
"having anything but elite strength is embarrassing in the same way that shitting your pants at your own wedding is embarrassing"
So i'm guessing you spend all your time feeling embarrassed then?
So i'm guessing you spend all your time feeling embarrassed then?
Welcome back you glorious bastard. Your routine that's "light on leg work" looks harder than the heavy one I'm doing, fuck you for that, and fuck me for being a whimp.
Since we all coming from layoffs, up for a little bit of internet competition for the sake of fun, and gratuitous shitalking?
I think that's worth doing. You might have a lot of luck with that on Reddit.
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