Martial Arts Movies That Will Give You A Viagra Hardon

In the inaugural article for Chaos and Bang (which I’m reposting), we’re going to review our favorite martial arts movies of all time.  We’ve got no real criteria for this, other than the fact that they have to be considered martial arts movies, and for this one, won’t be weapons-based.  As such, no Zatoichi films and no Jeff Speakman up in this motherfucker, may his mullet be praised.  Paul and Jamie have somewhat different background in the fighting arts, as Jamie fucked about in TKD (as did most of us) for a couple of years before abandoning it for wrestling, followed by jeet kune do and then judo and mixed martial arts.  Paul, on the other hand, trained in Ninjutsu, (Togakure) Kenpo, and Krav Maga .  Where we converge is that we both love awesome, and by awesome we mean dripping with testosterone and does not in any way involve Ang Lee.

Jamie’s Ultimate Chop-Socky Playlist

Fist of Legend.  Without question, the greatest kung-fu film of all time.  FOL stars a somewhat young Jet Li in his best-received role.  In FOL, he plays fictional Chinese historical figure Chen Zhen, a guy who’s a blend of Chinese masturbatory material and anti-imperialist Fong Sai Yuk and a student of vaunted Chinese martial artist Huo Yuenjia to become the ultimate Chinese folk hero.  This movie’s actually a remake of Bruce Lee’s Chinese Connection, and was used as the basis for a sequel/remake starring Donny Yen in Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen,  which gets honorable mention for being fucking awesome.  In any event, this is Jet Li at his best- right from the giddy-up, he’s breaking limbs and cracking skulls, and culminates in his utter destruction of the largest Japanese man since Sonny Chiba was last seen on screen in the bloodiest Jet Li battle ever.  Given that his battles are never bloody, this means there were a few trickles of blood, which makes this the Texas Chainsaw Massacre of Jet Li films.

This movie’s awesome for a couple of reasons- one, minimal wirework.  There’s nothing more annoying than watching a couple of tiny Chinese people skip through the treetops and occasionally bounce off each other in what’s more of a homosexual interpretive dance than a fistfight.  Two, first use of a belt as an ass-kicking device in a film.  Without this film, Jason Statham would have half of his fight scenes cut out of the Transporter series and would be reduced to perhaps whipping people in the eyes with his suspenders.  Three, it features almost none of the wushu bullshit you see in modern Chinese films, and seems to utilize a fair amount of wing chun techniques mixed with western boxing against traditional Chinese and Japanese styles.  This must be an homage to Bruce for his work in the Chinese Connection, as Chen Zhen seems to espouse JKD without naming it as such.  Four, training montage, motherfucker, with a full on Rocky-running-through-the-streets scene.  Finally, there’s minimal bullshit and maximal asskicking, so you can watch it without having to wash the shame off you like you did after waking up at the end of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky.  If’ you’ve not seen this film, punch yourself in the fucking face.  Starring little known Hong Kong martial artist Louis Fan, Riki-Oh’s an adaptation of a Japanese manga by the same name.  The plot of Riki Oh is the same as half of the pit-fighting movies of the 1990’s- dude’s girlfriend gets whacked by local crime boss, boyfriend avenges, evil corporations/corrupt legal system put him in jail, he must fight to survive.  That, my friends, is where this motherfucker goes right off the rails.  Riki’s blessed with inhuman strength, which he uses to kill the Double Dragon style bosses in hilarious and awesomely gory ways.  Riki punches a dude so hard his eye pops out, ties his own hand back on by connecting veins and tendons with his teeth, gets strangled by a guy with the guy’s own intestines, sees a guy crush another dude’s head with his bare hands (which was a meme on the Daily Show before that retard Kilbourne quit the show), and stuffs an extra from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers into a giant meat grinder.

This movie’s more fun than having a preacher’s daughter lick your asshole while playing Call of Duty and getting fellated by a toothless whore at a live GWAR show in Rio during Carnivale.  Seriously, watch this movie- it was the first movie to get rated NC-17 in Hong Kong without showing any graphic sex.

The Raid: Redemption.  I managed to see this movie in the one week it showed in the festering shitlhole referred to by local Alabamians as “Birmingham”.  While watching this movie I gained a solid pound of muscle mass and afterward I had a hardon for three straight days.  This is the ultimate action movie- boatloads of non-cgi gore, broken bones, incredibly hyperkinetic hand-to-hand and non-firearm fight scenes, and a hell of a lot of shooting.  The movie features what is for many a little known style of martial arts called Pencak Silat, which is actually a redundant term that refers to all of the Indonesian martial arts.  While a bit flashy, they’re practical enough to earn Paul’s seal of CCQ approval and the weapons scenes make the ultra-awesome Rob Zombie vehicle House of 1000 Corpses seem tame by comparison.

If you’re curious about the plot, it’s pretty simple- an Indonesian SWAT team tries to raid a MOVE/New Jack City style slum fortress, only to get trapped inside and have to fight their way out.  In short, just about everyone shown on screen dies in spectacular, bloody fashion.  This pic’s slated to become a  trilogy and to get an American remake, so you might as well check it out ASAP so you’re up to speed when the rest of them come out.  This shit is going to be like Harry Potter, only without all of the pussy bullshit.  I suppose, then, it’ll be nothing whatsover like Harry Potter, as these movies will actually increase the size of your dick, rather than transforming it into a bloody vagina. Players of quiddich should not watch this, and probably should consider various creative ways to end their lives for bringing shame upon their families.

Out For Justice.  In the 1990s, there were exactly two names in martial arts films- Van Damme and Seagal.  On the one hands, you had a guy that meshed the best of 1980s chop-socky flicks with Stallone’s physique, the splits, and a terrible Bruce Lee impression, and on the other you had a NYC guido with a ponytail and a penchant for breaking bones and throwing people over counters and through walls.  They both had their place, but most people would agree that Steven Seagal’s films were, at their peak, totally unfuckingtouchable.  Seagal’s best three films involved so much gratuitous violence and gore that they were practically horror films, and they made Van Damme’s attempts look PG by comparison.  The best of Seagal’s films was, by far, Out For Justice, if only for one scene.  In it, Seagal drops a cue ball into a bar towel and proceeds to knock out teeth and break bones, as only 1990s Seagal could.  Best of all, he mocks the shit out of the mooks he’s beating as he does so, making the scene both hilarious and erection-worthy.

The plot is essentially that Seagal is chasing a coked up gangster-wannabe around NYC, throwing people through windows and beating them bloody in the process.  Oh, and he saves a puppy.  If nothing else, OFJ deserves note for being the only thing in history to lend credence to aikido as a fighting style.  Additionally, “Sticks” in the above scene was none other than Dan Inosanto, Bruce Lee’s most famous and successful student.  If you’re still underwhelmed, Seagal’s actually been credited with coaching Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida to knockout victories in the UFC, and he’s married to an actual Mongol, which is fucking awesome.  Although Seagal’s fight scenes eventually devolved into him flailing his arms in front of the camera like a basketball player in one of their epic “thug” slap “fights”, Seagal in his prime was about one thing- kicking ass like he was a donkey herder on a timetable.

Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior.  Boasting that same total disregard for the health of their extras as the Raid, Ong Bak features Tony Jaa wrecking shop using Muay Boran, and ultrahard style abandoned in modern times for the much more sensitive style Muay Thai.  I’ll admit the plot is fucking retarded (a guy living in the jungle travels to the big city to battle crime lords for trinkets stolen from his village) and the music sounds like whales raping each other, but the fighting is pretty much second to none and the stunts gave Jackie Chan a hardon.  When Jackie Chan’s impressed by your stunt work, you know you’re the shit.

Honorable Mention:
Street Fighter– Sonny Chiba works out on a Marcy Trainer (Bruce Lee style) and rips a rapist’s cock and balls off with his bare hands, then shows it to the guys and disgustedly wipes off his hand on the dude’s shirt, and rips out another guys trachea.  Nuff’ said.
Bloodsport– Van Damme’s finest work.  Monkey kung fu, Bolo Yeung, and splits.
No Retreat, No Surrender– Imagine Karate Kid + breakdancing and Van Damme as Johnny.  Yeah, it’s that good.
Transporter 2– The best of the series, features a fairly hot broad and Jason Statham’s best fight scenes prior to Safe.
The One– Statham and Jet Li in a movie that doesn’t blow dogshit (like Chaos did) but unfortunately does not feature Kyokushin champ Dolph Lundgren.

You’ll note there’s no Jackie Chan and no Bruce Lee.  This is because Jackie Chan’s movies have great stunts but shit fighting and G-rated plots, and Bruce’s movies were great in their day but pale in comparison to modern films.  I’m sure that raises some hackles, but as always, feel free to go fuck yourself- I’m right and you’re wrong.

Paul’s Top Martial Arts Movies


Much like our training, mine and Jamie’s picks for Martial Art movies run pretty opposite ends of the spectrum in some ways, and not so much in others.

I had to dig deep for this.  Mainly because I have become very fastidious and critical about what I really like from a movie perspective.  So most martial arts movies have become too cliché for me.

Nevertheless, I watched more martial arts movies in my youth than Jamie has jacked off this week.  So I will draw upon my dense database of martial arts movies that I remember loving and go from there.

Rapid Fire I was a huge Brandon Lee fan.  I thought he was doing a very amicable job of picking up the legacy of movie making left by his father, Bruce.  Everyone knows the “best” movie he did was The Crow, however that was not a martial arts movie.  Rapid Fire was.  And as a kid I must have watched this movie 10,169 times.  This particular scene was quite funny because he kept beating the shit out of these two guys by using doors.

Brandon plays Jake Lo, a student who witnesses a murder between two rival drug lords.  Jake is took into protection to make sure he stays alive long enough in order to testify.  You’ve heard and read this one before I’m sure.  He ends up getting framed, so Jake has to beat the shit out of some people do some outrageous shit to help clear his name.  And that’s where the fighting comes in……

Revenge of the Ninja I have watched this movie since I was a kid, and it is utterly ridiculous in so many ways.  From Sho’s family getting killed by a Ninja clan for what seems like, no reason at all, to the quote that “only a Ninja can stop a Ninja”, it’s truly a grade B piece of shit.  There’s even a scene where Sho and his cop friend go out to a children’s playground to talk to some former convicts, to get a lead on a robbery.

Why are ex-cons hangout out at the fucking play ground?  I’m not making this shit up.  Not only that, but in that particular scene, both the cop and Sho beat the shit out of each convict about 18 times, because there is a fight scene, then a cut scene back to the other guy fighting, so forth and so on.  It’s fucking ridiculous.

With that said, it was still responsible for my love of Ninja’s and martial arts through my youth, and the score for the movie is still epic.  There is also hot tub scene with great big tittays.  And what’s wrong with great big tittays in a hot rub?  Nothing.

The Perfect Weapon I saw this flick in the movies based off nothing but the cardboard pop up.  I remember being blown away at how fucking awesome Speakman was, and how they laid out his Kenpo training.  Of course, this made me want to take Kenpo really bad, so when I moved from Mississippi to Louisiana and found out there was a Kenpo school just up the road from me, I was on it.

The great thing about Kenpo is that it’s a soft style martial art, meaning the defender uses the attackers momentum or force against them, or to the defenders advantage.  This was the first time I had really seen this put into action this particular way, even though I realized later I had seen many examples of soft styles before.  For me however, the way Speakman incorporated into this flick really made it stand out.  His mullet, while miniature, also stood out as well.

Speakman is basically just a “dude” who goes home to see his old friend, only to find out he’s been thrown under the bus in a racketeering type business and can’t get out.  Speakman of course, is going to go around town forcing rusty trombones on people until someone coughs up who is doing this is and why.