Movies

Mandy

Those of you who have no idea what this movie is, or who simply haven’t seen it, should be more ashamed of yourself than Peter Jackson should be for turning Mortal Engines into a fucking Star Wars spinoff. But as he basically has made his career on filming short, fat people walking around and weeping endlessly, he has less to be ashamed of than you do. The buzz around Mandy was quiet but fervent- the sort of noise you’d expect in a convent orgy on “Fisting Night,” and I’ll admit that given Nick Cage’s John Cusack-esque propensity for phoning it in, I had pretty low expectations. The flick starts off slow, but within 30 minutes, Cage’s weird-looking girlfriend has been kidnapped, he’s chained up in the back yard by BDSM-themed rejects from the last Mad Max, and his girl is tossed into a burlap sack and set aflame. After watching his girl burn alive, Cage frees himself, forges a badass LOTR-style axe, takes a handle of vodka to the face, and goes hunting the band of cultists responsible. As everyone in the movie, including Cage, is tripping balls the entire time, the cinematography reflects that, and as the movie goes and Cage ingests every single drug he can find like he’s in Duke Nukem, the movie only gets more frantic and far, far more weird.

Claim PTSD, a weak constitution, Christianity, or any other preposterous condition you could name for skipping this flick, but I’ll still call you a pussy and an idiot to your face. This movie is the unmitigated shit. It’s on Shudder, like all things good.

Mayhem

Similar in form and function to a number of movies including the blood-soaked vampire horror-comedy Bloodsucking Bastards and the much more similar, in a sort of Battle Royale way, the Belko Experiment, and Max Barry’s unbelievably badass book The Company, Mayhem elevates the cut throat world of corporate life to a hyperviolent, Lord of the Flies-esque environment. In Mayhem, a jilted and recently fired employee and the smoking hot broad from The Babysitter team up against a law firm quarantined in their building because they’ve all got the rage virus. I don’t want to give too much away, but it’s like Harold from Harold and Kumar goes apeshit at work and teams up with the singer from In This Moment to fuck up a bunch of pussy lawyers using nailguns and office equipment. Yep- it’s literally that, directed by the guy who brought the world the fucking epic film Knights of Badassdom.

The Babysitter

By this point, I think we can all agree that almost every film Netflix has produced is unwatchable trash. There is the occasional ok film, like Bird Box or their new action flick Polar (which is worth a watch), but extremely rare is there a film you actually shit your pants with excitement about. Well, put on your work pants and your oldest pair of underwear, because this movie is about to blow your fucking mind. Starring the same gorgeous broad from Mayhem, Samara Weaving, The Babysitter centers around the impossibly hot and cool Weaving, who is an insanely sheltered tween’s babysitter. After partying with him as only the most ridiculously cool babysitter ever would, she hits him with a shot of vodka to put that little fucker down so she can get down to business. And that business is human sacrifice in his parents’ living room with a bunch of people the kid has never seen, because being the goody two shoes he is, he didn’t swallow the shot. After he gives himself away while witnessing the comic flub that is the attempted sacrifice, the kid battles the bungling Satanists in a manner very reminiscent of the epically hilarious Tucker and Dale vs Evil.

If I don’t have you at Tucker and Dale vs Evil, I’m not gonna get you. This flick is reason enough to get Netflix for a month.

Upgrade

Though this movie can be compared to a number of other inferior movies regarding the insidious influence AI can have on humanity, and cautionary tales against the transhumanist ideal of utilizing cyborg technology to transcend the human state, there’s no need. It would be like comparing one of the new Supras to a Ford Fiesta, or Jon Cena to Jon Lovitz, or Pornhub to Victoria’s Secret. Every other such cautionary tale, from Terminator to Blade Runner, is the carcass of an exceptionally retarded grown man filled with a squirming mass of writhing maggots by comparison. Upgrade, then, pits a man who has been intentionally crippled as his wife was killed in front of him gets the technological ability to revenge her and himself through the use of an implanted chip. This chip allows him to beat people to death in the most interestingly choreographed fight scenes in history, all of which are chock full of the darkest of black humor, until of course that chip grabs the upper hand. Don’t read up on the movie as it will spoil the twists- just watch the fucking thing. If you’re not hooked within 20 minutes, you should rethink all of the things you’re doing with your life.

Podcasts

One of the reasons why I detest making podcasts is that by and large I despise listening to them, unless the information is well prepared and the speakers aren’t simply riffing. That is in and of itself a full time job, and I respect the craft in that. As such, my podcast recommendations are few and far between, and you’ll find none of that idiotic self-help/make millions asshattery in these recommendations. Instead, I prefer edutainment- well researched and professionally presented shit that makes me laugh as much as I learn. Here are the three podcast that I not only don’t think are utter garbage, but hold the hosts in the same regard I do Eli Roth or Joe Abercrombie.

Last Podcast on the Left

Last Podcast on the Left feels like I’m sitting in on a conversation with my friends about serial killers and the occult, but I’m in a K-hole and cannot participate. half the time, however, I chime in as though they can hear me, because why the fuck not? These guys do a very comprehensive job doing deep dives into subjects in which they have no formal training, injecting jokes into mountains of research (that might sound familiar), that range from serial killers to ufos to cryptids to mysterious disappearances, and everything in between. The hosts consist of one zany comic who’s forever whacked off his face on edibles, the “straight man” comic, and the guy who does all of the heavy lifting on the research end, who is also their neurotic producer. The blend makes for a show that had me on an airplane, literally cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West, and when I looked over, my seatmate was staring at me in horror. I pulled out my earbuds and explained, “sorry, I’m listening to a podcast about Jack the Ripper” and re-inserted my headphones as I noticed the guy sitting next to me shrinking as far from me as was physically possible. It was like three hours later that I realized how insane I sounded, but it bought me an extra armrest in the aisle seat, so fuck it.

Listen to LPOTL- it’ll buy you an extra armrest on any flight wherein you’re not seated to a fellow LPOTL listener.

Stitcher Soundcloud iTunes (Fucking iTunes? Seriously? It’s not 1997 anymore.)

Milk Street Radio

I am a fantastic cook. I can say that with the utmost confidence because even badass cooks I know think my cooking is fucking phenomenal. One of the reasons for this is because I actually spend time learning about cooking, mostly reading about indigenous cuisines of wherever and then learning the cooking techniques from there. I’d rather pull my eyes out of my fucking head than watch anyone do anything on YouTube and have no idea why you people do- I can read what can be read in ten minutes in under a minute. I don’t have the time for that bullshit. Milk Street, however, is something I stumbled across on NPR after some program for which I’d been waiting, and in the span of an hour I had a recipe for Nigerian stew, new cooking techniques, and had been thoroughly entertained in the most G-rated way possible. The host, Christopher Kimball, is the opposite of the LPOTL guys- I’d rather watch YouTube videos than hang out with him. Nevertheless, I listen to his show because I can learn a fuckton while doing the dishes or some other mundane shit when I can’t find anything to put on in the background on the TV.

You can never know enough about cooking, and it’s my understanding that most of you know fuckall about it. These guys give a lot of starter tips, and they post all of their recipes on the site. Check it out.

Check out this episode about the weird history of peanut butter that also includes some badass Filipino food in Israel and the effect of low fat diets.

Stitcher Online iTunes (I’m disgusted just writing that word)

Wizard and the Bruiser

Wizard and the Bruiser is the greatest companion piece to LPOTL that could possibly exist, and they exist on the same network. Whereas LPOTL are horror nerds who play video games, WizBru are video game nerds who love horror. As such, Wizbru covers the history of iconic video and board games, plus the occasional horror movie franchise, in the same kind of depth as LPOTL and slightly less offensive humor. They are, after all, video game nerds.

Stitcher Soundcloud iTunes (You probably use that pile of wet rat shit Spotify, too)

My Occult Library

I’ve been getting constant recommendations for occult materials, and I honestly can’t remember the names of half of the shit I’ve read. There’s a lot of garbage out there. What I’m giving you, then, is a list of the physical books I have in my possession. Some of this list is as good as hell, some of it’s useful but dry, and some of it is garbage, but it’s what is sitting in my bookshelf. I’ve read other works by Ford, LaVey, Crowley, and others, but I neither no longer own them, found them in a library, or read e-book of them, which I utterly despise. I’ve made recommendations in the past but I’ll just put a little note if it’s a must have- the rest is up to your discretion to research and decide.

Barrett- The Magus (Archaic overview compendium of medieval sorcery)
Bufe- The Heretic’s Handbook of Quotations (AWESOME)
Caligastro- 25 Sigils, Dark Circle Sigils for Selfish Indulgence from the Iron Ring
Caligastro- Blood Sorcery Bible Vol 1 (Both of these last two are close to the only shit I’ve found on casting protective or offensive spells, so pretty essential if you’re into that)
Carroll- The Apophenion (ESSENTIAL)
Elliot- Warrior Cults (interesting overview of various warrior cults around the world, like the Hashashin. I enjoyed it, but it’s mostly historical)
Ford- Wisdom of Eosphoros (ESSENTIAL)
Ford- First Book of Luciferian Tarot (Great book on the subject, but I tend to use my demonic tarot. At some point I’m going to cross reference the two)
Ford- Goetia of Shadows (Excellent book that applied Luciferian philosophy to Greek magickal practices)
Ford- Sekhem Apep: Typhonian Vampire Magic (AWESOME)
Ford- Bible of the Adversary (AWESOME, and is the perfect companion to the wisdom of Eosphoros, because it’s less philosophical and more magick)
Greer- New Encyclopedia of the Occult (Meh. You can look most of that shit up online, but it looks good on your shelf)
Hasenfrantz- Barbarian Rites (Interesting, but not essential)
LaVey- The Satanic Bible (Utterly worthless)
LaVey- The Satanic Rituals (See above)
Mason- Rites of Lucifer (Not earthshaking, but not worthless)
Mason- Visions of the Nightside (There is an awesome invocation for Sekhmet in there, but the rest is meh)
McVan- The Book of Wotan (Interesting, but not essential)
Mirabello- A Traveler’s Guide to the Afterlife (AWESOME)
Mirabello- Handbook for Rebels and Outlaws (AWESOME)
Mirabello- Odin Brotherhood (Very interesting read about a group of whom I’d never heard, and their practice of scoring the body to enter Valhalla while dying peacefully was news to me)
Order of Nine Angles- Black Book of Satan (Most hardcore Satanic text there is)
Peterson- Grimorum Verum (Useless)
Skallagrimsson- Putting on the Wolf Skin (AWESOME)
Spence- The Encyclopedia of the Occult (Same as the other encyclopedia)
Thorsson- Runecaster’s Handbook (Great, if you cast runes. I never found them useful, whereas the tarot I found dead on)
Van Fleet- Hidden Power (AWESOME)
Zolar- Zolar’s Encyclopedia of Ancient and Forbidden Knowledge (A weird little book I’ve had forever. Not worth hunting down, but when I was a kid it blew my wig back.

The Music I Forgot to Mention

In a hilarious bid to make less work for myself I made far, far more. As I’d already packed on a shitload of work, what’s a little more? Therefore, I decided to add three albums to the list I omitted out of brevity and an effort to keep the list from being half downtempo. This shit hits so fucking hard, though, I had to share it.

Falsifier– Life In Death EP

“THE HUMAN RACE IS A PLAGUE ON THE EARTH. NO ONE GETS SAVED WE’RE ALL DOOMED SINCE BIRTH”

You might want to have a change of underwear and a hatchet ready, because this shit is hateful enough to send Hari Krishnas on a killing spree and so heavy it might very well liquefy your bowels. And if the music weren’t brutal enough, the lyrics drip with enough vitriol that the drops from interviews with people like Manson and Ramirez seem almost lighthearted by comparison. Trust no fart while blasting this shit. Best part? This EP is free here. You can snag their new one on Amazon or stream it here. And their first EP is the only thing on bandcamp, so I’ll drop it in as well. Support these guys- they’re fucking sick.

[bandcamp width=100% height=120 album=879066513 size=large bgcol=ffffff linkcol=0687f5 tracklist=false artwork=small]

FFO: Denihilist, Bodysnatcher, Disclaimer, Traitors, False Images, Filth

Broken Humanity

What kind of human would I be if I left out one of the best beatdown bands currently in my playlist? Well, I suppose I’d hashtag shit with #fitfam and #fitspo and would blabber on about my feelings with cheesy unmotivational dreck about how I don’t care what other people think- I’m just happy with my body. Well, fuck that noise- Broken Humanity is bringing the fucking ignorance on four tracks of dickpunching fury on their EP. I figured it was worth mentioning because 1) all four songs belong in your lifting playlist, and 2) they’re dropping an album this year.

[bandcamp width=100% height=120 album=3649427783 size=large bgcol=333333 linkcol=0f91ff tracklist=false artwork=small]

FFO: Brawl Between Enemies, Mercy Blow, Path of Subjugation, Bodybag

Traitors– Repent

If you haven’t heard of Traitors yet, you’re either dead, deaf, or living in Moldova with no internet. Traitors clearly fall into the same awesome category of hate-laden downtempo brutality as Falsifier. Sicker the gutfucking scene in one of the greatest horror films of all time, August Underground’s Mordum, Traitors’ new shit will leave you with the exact same murderboner as that movie and a hell of a lot more hate in your heart.

[bandcamp width=100% height=120 album=801762827 size=large bgcol=ffffff linkcol=0687f5 tracklist=false artwork=small]

FFO: Filth, VCTMS, Falsifier, Acacia Strain, Bodysnatcher

Liked it? Take a second to support Jamie Chaos on Patreon!