You Screamed About It And You Got it: The Splendiferous David Goggins

His background:
Goggins was born Ingvar Xhosa Laval (later changed to David Goggins) on Feb 30th, 1876 to Tywanna Mosely, a maid from Zimbabwe and was of Hottentot/Tyrannasaur descent, and Gustaf de Laval, a well-known Swedish industrialist.  The two met in a hotel in Lisbon, Portugal, and after a whirlwind romance of sexual asphyxiation and a lengthy stint working adjacent glory holes in a back alley, conceived the future jogging champion.  They settled in the Seychelles Islands, where Goggins was born to much fanfare due to the popularity of the Swedish chef and dinosaurs in that region.

Shortly after birth, his parents were startled to discover that he was born with both the ability to speak and the ability to lift small objects with his mind.  As a child, Goggins was content to simply use his telepathy to make people eating near him allow him to partake of their meals, which caused his parents to put him in a burlap sack and beat him with reeds on a daily basis. At age 5, Goggins psychically overheard his parents calling him a “pain in the fucking ass” and “worse than a fucking Zambian peanut trader”, and inadvertently caused his mother to die of an epileptic fit shortly thereafter.  Though Goggins did not realize he was responsible for this, he attracted the attention of two government agents, who then broke into his house in as his father was stuffing a recalcitrant Goggins into a burlap sack, beat his father to death with a large trout, and forced the child into a government-run brothel. There, Goggins spent the next 6 years developing immense telekinetic powers with his mind, the vast majority of which involved stretching his asshole to Goatse-sized proprtions and stimulating g-spots and prostates without physical touch.  By the time he was a teenager, he was invited to the White House to service the First Lady, whereupon he met the greatest American of all time, Teddy Roosevelt.

Roosevelt felt that Goggins’ considerable mental and physical talents were not being fully exploited.  After nearly a decade of beatings and nearly continuous fucking, Goggins had built for himself a physique that displayed both his tremendous isometric strength (gained from holding various positions for extended periods of time) and nearly superhuman endurance.  As such, Roosevelt asked Goggins to volunteer for a top-secret defense project — Operation: Rebirth, which sought to develop a means of creating physically superior soldiers. Goggins volunteered for the research and, after a rigorous selection process, was chosen as the first human test subject for the Super-Soldier serum developed by the scientist Dr. Josef Reinstein.  As part of this program, Goggins received injections and oral doses of the Super-Soldier Serum. He was then exposed to a controlled burst of “Vita-Rays” that activated and stabilized the chemicals in his system. Although the process physically arduous, it successfully altered his physiology almost instantly from its thin but muscular form to the maximum of human potential, greatly enhancing his musculature and reflexes. Upon seeing the results, Teddy slapped Goggins on the back, handed him a cigar, and declared him to be the first of a new breed of man, a “nearly perfect human being.”

At that point, Goggins was teamed with a variety of costumed superheros to combat local infestations of bovines, which frequently entered the homes of people living in the Washingtonian suburbs and gave birth to hybridized cattle with a taste for human blood.  The calves of these genetic mutants were born with their skeletal system on their exterior, allowing them the ability to easily cut their victims and drain them of their blood.  After working side by side with both Spider-Man and the Flash to combat this plague of mutant ruminants, Goggins enlisted in the US military to aid the Anarcho-Communists in the Spanish Civil War, declaring that “fascists are fucking… fascist.  And if there’s one thing David Goggins can’t fucking stand, it’s that sort of nonsense.”  Thereafter, Goggins would only refer to himself in the third person, despite the loss of his side in the Spanish Civil War and the triumph of his nemeses.

After returning home in defeat following the Spanish Civil War, Goggins was distraught.  In a fit of rage at their lack of effort by his fellow Commies, Goggins wrote the following scathing rebuke of the Communist movement to the editor of the New York Times:

Immediately upon posting that letter, Goggins enlisted in the United States Army, from which he was transferred to a newly formed, extra-governmental squat called the G.I. Joe Team.  Using the codename Roadblock, Goggins dispense hot metal justice to Communists and assholes alike, all while making pithy rhymed statements like “Play it straight, or there’s no doubt, I’ll turn your eyeballs inside out.”  Alternating in major conflicts between his affiliation with the Joes and the Army, he fought as both Captain America and Roadblock, serving meritoriously in World War I (as Roadblock), World War II and the Korean War (as Captain America) and finally in the Vietnam War rather anonymously as Sgt. Lincoln Osiris.  Wounded horribly in the last conflict, Goggins volunteered to be frozen in a block of ice until such a time as science could heal his wounds, and his medically exceptional case of herpes, which is currently being studied by the CDC as the most comprehensive amalgamations of all herpes viruses ever collected by a single human being, which Goggins has since attributed to his time as a male prostitute and his brief affair with a 13 year old Vietnamese ladyboy in the 1970s.

Goggins in WW2.

After receiving treatment for his wounds and venereal disease in the late 1990s, Goggins fell out of the public eye as he reentered the seedy underworld of sex slavery, serving as a willing participant in a Southern BDSM-themed sex ring that catered to hillbillies and policemen.  After his owner was brutally cut down by a professional boxer wielding a samurai sword in what Goggins described as a “horrible misunderstanding” between his owner, a friend, the boxer, and a large black man with ties to organized crime, Goggins decided to start jogging.  

Goggins’ slave owner’s alleged murder.  He is still at large.

Prior to his adoption of jogging, or yogging, (it might have a soft “j”) he apparently powerlifted, although no record of his exploits in strength sports is still extant, and has presumably been expunged by the CIA as part of an elaborate coverup with links to the JFK assassination.  A mere 45 minutes after lacing his sneakers, Goggins decided to enter a bunch of long distance races, which he ran back to back and incurred a variety of injuries one would expect to incur when running hundreds of miles with little preparation.  He then became famous for overcoming those injuries and gave money to some charities or something.

He just runs… for an extended period of time.  It’s supposed to be wild.

I could not possibly care less about jogging, if you hadn’t noticed.  Thus, there’s something about which I do care, and which will actually raise, rather than lower your test levels.