Obviously, brevity is not my strong suit, as I can hardly publish an article shorter than ten pages, even if I’ve done three in a week. With personal failing in mind I thought I’d strive to undo some of my more Dickensian tendencies by working on punchy lines, and what better way than with movie reviews? I don’t know about you, but the metaphysical ramifications of most movies are about as pointless to attempt to grasp as it is to look for depth of flavor and nutrition in cotton candy, but that doesn’t stop your average halfwit. Thus, I decided to cut through all of the bullshit and tell you whether the movies I’ve consumed of late are worth watching in three sentences or less.

A quick preamble to that will be to announce 2021’s biggest bugaboo for me- the revival of 80s and 90s action scripts, updated just enough to be “woke” but without the myriad appropriate updates to the plot, most of which are so hacky it’s tough to watch them. Foremost among these is the new Michael B Jordan joint (Without Remorse), which the man is hot enough to carry in spite of the ridiculous plot (if you don’t believe me, play the first 30 minutes of it for any woman), ripped right out of the worst shit Clancy ever allowed to be ghostwritten, and then left with no updates to bring the plot in line with reality as we know. Luckily, this isn’t the fifteenth remake of Commando you’ll see (like half of the female-fronted actioners on Prime), but where those generally involve an easily-avoided problem with a simple solution everyone in the film pointedly ignores, Michael B Jordan needlessly kills cops in Russia like he’s going to get a free tshirt for every fifteenth dead dude named Yuri.

If you are going to go digging in the New Release crates this year, be prepared to see some of the dumber shit you’ve seen in 30 years, and if you’re disinclined towards seeing women and POC protagonists (and Without Remorse basically made all of the antagonists white men, which to us was funny if heavy handed but to someone inclined to send their kid to school with a firearm, it was heresy), you should avoid horror and action films for the time being. That said, most of these films boast rad action scenes and we’ve dispensed with the Bourne Identity era shakycam fight scenes wherein you can’t tell what the fuck is going on, so if you can suspend your disbelief and don your Under Siege suspenders, you might love the new shit if you’re blazing a nice sativa and chugging Reigns while writing or something.

With that in mind, here is my attempt to practice writing with some measure of brevity, which is very clearly not my greatest strength.

Boss Level (2021, Hulu)

Gamer meets Deadpool meets Crank meets Groundhog Day

We’re never going to get a Frank Grillo Punisher film, but we no longer need one. Grillo has his Punisher turned up to 11 in Boss Level, which combines a couple of genres into a single seamless flick involving Frank Grillo and his sick abs murderizing half the planet as random hitmen unwittingly attempt to prevent him from stopping the end of existence. If you can find fault with this movie, I would venture to guess it is due to the lack of titties, because I certainly couldn’t come up with a single reason not to love the shit out of this. Must see.

Breach (2020, Prime)

Of the two terrible fucking movies starring Bruce Willis and Frank Grillo in space… I realize this is the shitty one with the other former Punisher, Thomas Jane. If 2021 movies starring Bruce Willis had a face, it’d be the face of that rich kid rapist “comedian Justin Bieber loves, Chris D’Elia- too ugly to be that fucking unfunny and uncool. Plotwise, this thing is sort of Slither in space (aboard the Ark carrying the last vestiges of humanity, of all of the unnecessary and idiotic plot points), but without any of the comedy, endearing characters, or skillful direction James Gunn provided in his astonishingly rad debut (which you must see). It’s sole saving grace is the gorgeous Angie Pack (who if she lived through its running time would have been the only reason to watch it) but she dies first, so I’d pass.

Bullets of Justice (2019, Prime)

Fever dreams are more lucid, but less fun than this flick.

This review is longer than three sentences, but I didn’t think I was capable of a better review than I’d already given six months ago on Instagram. Bullets of Justice is what you get when you take a 1.2 million dollar budget for a post apocalyptic fever dream of a movie about a war between humans and vicious pig-men and spend 1m on practical effects and the best fucking sound effect man in the history of cinema, then spend $200k on bath salts and start filming with unpaid actors.

If this movie made less sense it would just be an emaciated and piss-soaked Tara Reid screaming gibberish at the camera while speedballing. It stars one of the writers, directors, and producers of the film, a man who can confidently say that he has never acted on film for a second, even to this point. Yes, he did star as some kind of low-level fashion model who is a pig-slaughtering super-ninja in the pigpocalypse, but one would hesitate to suggest that his participation constituted acting. And though he was wooden enough to play a live action Groot, his performance for the utter insanity of this flick fucking perfectly.

Nevertheless, this Central Asian post-apocalyptic Zoolander teams up with a variety of mega-hot broads whom he all fucks, including his mustachioed sister. You read that correctly. The whole thing is filmed in Bulgaria, so it’s a pretty solid suggestion from their board of tourism to stay the fuck out of that nation for awhile. None of this might seem like a reason to watch the movie, but here is the only reason you need.

It opens with the protagonist Rob Justice and his badass, machete-wielding model assistant, executing a wanted pig and then BATTLING A JETPACK-WEARING PORCINE BOBA FETT WEILDING DUAL CHAINGUN AND HIDING A HIDDEN LITTLE PERSON IN BLACKFACE IN HIS JATPACK, WHO POPS OUT LIKE A DEMONIC CUCKOO TO CHUCK OUT GRENADES.

Spend the five bucks and rent this gloriously insane PCP-and-blood-soaked monstrosity of what seems to be a pretty gnarly indictment of humanity as a whole.

FFO: Hardcore Henry, Mandy, Turbo Kid, Crank, Kung Fury, the Hatchet flicks,Troma movies, and Charles Band’s and Frank Hennenlotter’s shit

Cannibals and Carpet Fitters (2018, Prime)

In this passable horror comedy, a team of carpet fitters are invited to a houseful of cannibals, and are then predictably eaten. If you’re looking for it to make sense, you’ve come to the wrong place, but it’s decent for a low budget and the acting is surprisingly good. Overall, however, it’s meh– no better than 2001 Cannibals, and probably far worse (though I refuse to sit through that shit a second time to make a solid determination).

Chaos Walking (2021, VOD)

The movie critics deemed “unwatchable” wasn’t called that for the plot or the acting, but for how hard it is to put yourself in the place of a man or a woman in this scenario. In Chaos Walking, the prime planet for human colonization comes with one serious caveat- any man (both chicks who sat through this with me asserted women have too many simultaneous thoughts for anyone to make sense of them being broadcast) who sets foot on the planet has his thoughts broadcast outside of his head, visibly and audibly, as part of something called the Noise. Pretty obviously chaos ensues, and the men become wildly paranoid of the now totally inscrutable women (so fair warning to any women who might watch- it’s uncomfortable as fuck). An awesome, if brutal, watch- definitely see it, maybe with a Zoloft if you’re anywhere near as empathetic as I am.

[And yeah, I am wildly empathetic, which it seems is the source of much of my outward anger, as I generally feel assaulted by other people’s emotive efforts, especially because they’re almost all powered by stupidity rather than any kind of positive sentiment. Somehow a lot of you people read my anger as depression, which thoroughly confuses me because depressed people can’t do shit, nevermind write prolifically. Again, I face a lot of idiocy on the daily.]

Compound Fracture (2020, Prime)

This one must be a WWE production, as it stars Tyler Mane (Ajax in Troy) and Kane as opposing sides of a supernatural battle that centers around Tyler Mane’s ancestral home. It’s pretty similar in theme to Incident in a Ghostland, a rad 2018 movie I reviewed last year, but lacks in the gore, dark tone, or creeping dread that made Incident so good. If you love the WWE, you’ll probably be happy this film exists, but it’s not going to knock anyone’s socks off beyond showcasing Tyler Mane’s shockingly good acting skills. It’s got 3 out of 5 stars on Amazon, which is accurate- it’s pretty ok.

Cosmic Sin (VOD)

It’s got Bruce Willis and Frank Grillo versus space zombies…. oh wait, I have it confused with another piece of shit space movie with those two. This, like many of these shitty movies, is clearly an old 80s or 90s script they busted out in a hurry, without updating any of the idiotic old tropes. Fuck this film twice, and not in a fun way.

Hunted (2021, Shudder)

If you’ve ever wondered what smashing a person in the face with the warmup stone at your gym would look like, wonder no more.

This actress is the most feral scream queen of all time- we’re talking throat rippers, non-stop throughout, and none of the shrill screechy shit that made the last 45 minutes of the . This one is tough to watch in spots, but holy shit it’s fucking good. A woman escapes repeatedly from a relentless sociopathic snuff film maker, and although her escapes are increasingly brutal ( and the practical effects are outrageously good), the sense of creeping dread that she’ll never escape makes this one a squirm-in-your-seat kinda deal. MUST SEE (provided you have a strong stomach).

Intersect (2020, VOD)

I’ll bite on any flick that involves anything Lovecraftian, and this one showed a shitload of promise up until the end. Tragically, this movie petered out about 3/4 of the way through, and failed to deliver so hard it was like watching In the Mouth of Madness 2, but like In the Mouth of Madness, I will definitely watch the sequel, should there be one, as all of the setup and exposition is fucking over with. Pass.

I Trapped the Devil (2019, Hulu)

This movie was far more interesting the first time I saw it, when it was about an alien the crazy brother had trapped rather than “the devil” (it’s worse than the fucking goat at the end of The Witch). As such, I recommend you see that flick, which was called The Pod (on Amazon). That’s gonna be a hard pass for me, dog.

Karate Kill (2016, Prime)

We finally have a replacement for Riki-Oh, so we can take that banger out of the rotation for awhile.

This is equal parts shitty 80s chop socky and inner city gang flicks, gritty Asian flicks like The Raid and Old Boy, and Rambo: Last Blood, as an unstoppable karate killing machine goes up against a psychotic Asian gangster and his human trafficking crew after his sister goes missing in LA. It’s a movie made by the Japanese for American audiences, and genuinely the only thing this flick lacks is a cameo by Machete, though the radness of such a cameo might have ripped a hole in space-time and killed us all, so perhaps it is for the best. Definitely watch- if you want cheesy, gory martial arts awesomeness, it doesn’t get much better than this.

Lords of Chaos (Hulu)

The only reason you need to see this movie is if your opinion of most black metal fans didn’t mirror your opinion of other contemptable saddies like Eliot Rogers. There’s a reason their music sounds like shit- it’s made by and for shitty people. Another hard pass for me, dog.

Mortal Kombat (2021, HBO Max)

This is the movie every kid imagined we were going to get with Mortal Kombat 2 back in the day, but were sorely disappointed. Though this movie lacks a plot, it makes up for it in pretty cartoonish yet fun gore and some rad fatalities- if this didn’t put a smile on your face, you’re dead inside. Hell yeah.

Nobody (2021, VOD)

It’s worth $20 just to watch Doc from Back to the Future melt faces with a shotgun.

Although I can’t stand Bob Odenkirk, he, RZA, and Doc from Back to the Future fucking KILL in this hyperviolent flick from the makers of John Wick. Fight choreography is on par with John Wick and the action is even more frenetic, with a dash of the feel of the Crank flicks and a bit of the “old boys can still hang” and comedy from the Red films, and you get a movie that even tops Boss Level. The premise- the most boring salaryman in the history of suburbia is actually expertly hiding the fact he was an “auditor” for the US government, which meant that he would identify and remove “discrepancies” in the form of violent dickheads from the United States’ payroll, and his family comes to discover this after their home is robbed. Spend the $20 and see this immediately.

Pyewacket (2018, Hulu)

If you wanted to love The Babadook but found yourself thinking about looking up the address of the kid in that movie and haunting him for the rest of his days for real rather than enjoying the flick, then this film might be for you. The premise isn’t precisely the same, but the same elements are in place- evil stretchy shadow demon man summoned to a home and bad shit happens, but this flick has heavy influences from the Craft and doesn’t suck. It’s not going to light your world on fire, but it’s pretty good.

Ravage (2020, Prime)

Beware the clever hillbilly- a victory against them is likely going to be Pyrrhic.

Ravage is the gnarliest in a series of progressively more gnarly revenge flicks. In this one, a badass nature photographer whose survived the harshest environs witnesses the type of behavior you’d expect at a Trump 2024 rally. She tries to report the lynching to the sheriff, but that of course goes sideways and she’s chased through some horrible sister-fucker backcountry and does a lot of rad kills before the nasty as fuck final showdown. See immediately, but be ready to be scarred by the ending.

Rogue (2020, Prime)

Of all of the female-fronted actioners I’ve seen this year, Rogue is by far and away the best. One of the problems facing these types of genre reboots is it’s difficult to explain a chick leader for a band of mercs, but this one explains it without explicitly stating how Megan Fox came to lead a team of high-speed mercs, and it’s pretty amusing. Additionally, such critical factors as minimizing collateral damage are introduced in this one, making it perhaps the best plotted dumbass (which I say as a term of endearment) actioner you’re going to see this decade. It’s not gonna win an Oscar, but it’s worth a watch.

Save Yourself (2015, Prime)

Sometimes I just watch movies to compare them against other bad movies in the same vein, and as I’dalready sat through Don’t Go in the Fucking Attic, I figured I might as well sit through a second movie of the same type. I shouldn’t have, and neither should you- I think we can all pass on Nazis in the 21st century as a trope. Heed the title and save yourself from this piece of shit.

SAS: Red Notice (2021, VOD)

This is another 90s film script retread, starring a bland but good looking super-ninja SAS man versus a family of American terrorist super-ninjas whose attack dog is the only 100 pound person I’d allow to beat me down (with a smile on my face), Ruby Rose. After that minor update as a nod to the better-late-than-never move to include women and non-white people as the leads in movie roles, they didn’t think to update any of the tired shit, so you end up feeling like you saw this movie (when it was the two Under Siege movies). Meh- you could do worse on this list.

Shadow and Bone series (2021, Netflix)

This recommendation will seem like an odd one, as this show seems like the most well done CW castoff in history, but if I had to sum it up in a sentence it would be this: If the makers of Warrior (the HBO martial arts show spent six months binge-watching Harry Potter and The Witcher, this is the show they would produce. It’s the ultimate date show, combining rad costuming and complex romantic subplots into an occasionally hyperviolent and gory magic-and-martial arts steampunk extravaganza. As much as I hate to say this, push through the first two episodes, which are a bit dull, and the payoff is pretty incredible (I will likely never say to push through the dull beginning of a series ever again).

Shadow in the Cloud (2020, Hulu)

It seems the only people on Earth who loved the 90s steampunk flop The Rocketeer banded together and decided to take a crack at a feature length version of the Twilight Zone episode that made William Shatner famous, sorta. Not the worst thing you’ll ever see- gremlins are trying to fight their way into a plane being torn asunder from within as the crew attempts to determine if the woman in the belly gun of their bomber is a stowaway, there officially, or is just a lightning rod for the ham-fisted catcalls and lame pickup efforts the 1940s must have produced (and who think the gremlins are merely a figment of “that dizzy broad’s brain”). Meh.

Spontaneous (2020, Hulu)

I wanted to like it and I gave it hell, as it reminded me of Daybreak, the rad teenage zombie show on Netflix. Spontaneous is not Daybreak, and in spite of a seriously lovable actress in the lead, I’d say there’s no real reason to watch a movie about exploding teens when the gore is meh and it’s really just a teen drama better suited to a CW show. Pass.

Stay Out of the Fucking Attic (2020, Shudder)

Of the two shitty holdout-Nazis trying to retake the world films I’ve seen in the last few months, this was the worse of the two. That’s like saying that your leprosy isn’t acting up as much as your syphilis on your face, but it’s about ex-con movers getting killed trying to move an ancient Nazi scientist’s house (and it is also worse than a similar British film about carpet installers at a houseful of cannibals, which I now have to review). Avoid.

Tribal: Get Out and Stay Alive (2020, Prime)

The Raid meets Doomsday, and it’s free on Prime. Is it the greatest cinematic achievement of our time? No. But it’s a decent way to kill 90 minutes, and it’s star Zara Pythian is the unmitigated shit. Check this shit out if you want a passably acted if stupid film with some martial arts action, including fight choreography for a jacked dude that extends beyond roaring haymakers. Decent, though not a world-beater.

By the way, Zara Pythian is a fucking badass about whom you should know.

From Kung Fu Movie Guide:

“She started to train in the martial arts from the age of seven, learning the discipline of Shotokan Karate and achieving a second dan black belt before becoming a teenager. At the age of 13, she enrolled at Nottingham’s School of Champions martial arts centre where she took up taekwondo, wushu, kickboxing and freestyle karate. She started teaching from the age of 16. Zara competed in national and international fight circuits, becoming a 13-time multi-style world champion. In 2006 – at the age of 21 – she became the first British martial artist to be inducted into the International Karate and Kickboxing Hall of Fame, alongside the likes of Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and Benny Urquidez. In 2009, Zara achieved the Guinness World Record for the most items kicked off people’s heads in under a minute.”

Trespassers (2020, Hulu)

I came for Fairuza Balk and I stayed simply because I had it on while writing this article, and this flick seriously surprised me. Oh the home invasion flicks I’ve seen of the past year, this was neither the best nor the worst, though it was perhaps the most unique. If you can buy a plot wherein ludicrously coked up rich kids from LA can successfully fight off a home invasion by a cartel, it’s worth a watch simply for the plot twists and relative complexity (for this genre, anything deeper than a puddle might as well be the Marianas Trench). If you’ve got nothing else to do, you could do worse with 90 minutes.

Wild Boar (2020, Prime)

This is the other postapocalyptic pig men film I’ve watched this year, and in it geocachers stumble upon a backwoods death trap populated by mutant pig people, who trap and eat humans. It’s less heavy handed about the evils of factory farming than its Machete-cameoed counterpart, if that matters to you, and is less insane but more plausible. You could do far worse, but you could also do far better (like the reboot of Wrong Turn).

Wrong Turn (2021, VOD)

No one loves the original Wrong Turn films more than me- I wrote an entire article explaining the myths behind the cannibal clan trope in fiction a couple of years ago for Halloween, and I’ve seen the entire series multiple times. That said, it’s tough to sell a family of inbred cannibals living in Appalachia in the 21st century, so this update comes at an opportune time- whatever my feelings about West Virginians as a general rule (the inimitable timbersports gods in the Cogar family are obviously exempt from any and all negative impressions), I don’t think they’re some sort of subhuman offshoot of h. sapiens sapiens. The reboot features the kid from Vision Quest as a father on a quest to rescue his daughter, who’s gone missing in the mountains with her friends (captured this time by a fictional bunch of violent Amish superpatriot holdovers from the Revolutionary War). Worth a watch as it’s not as stupid as the original, but still dumb and gory- just less fun than the original.

Now go forth and entertain yourselves.

SUPPORT THE STRENGTH SPORTS UNDERGROUND AND A ROGUE ACADEMIC HELLBENT ON FORCIBLY EDUCATING EVERY PERSON WHO’S EVER LOOKED ASKANCE AT A BARBELL. I AM THE FUCKING TOM BRADY OF PHYSICAL CULTURE HISTORY, BUT BASICALLY UNPAID. HELP A MOTHERFUCKER OUT.