31 Blood-Drenched Films of Goretober

HALLOWEEN IS HERE!

By the way, if you missed last year’s Halloween article about the true story behind the inbred cannibal family trope (and rad movies of that ilk), you can check it out here.

Fuck yeah, people. This was one long fucking month for me, but not a bad one. Like my horror film experience over the month, it had its ups and downs like anything else. As I would hate to end this series with a negative review, I’ll say you can skip Cold Skin on Shudder (what a pile of overrrated Lighthouse-style dogshit that was. And fuck the Lighthouse as well), Robot Riot (which isn’t a horror movie but was almost fucking amazing and ended up so disappointing I don’t even want to discuss it) and Books of Blood on Hulu. Needless to say, I have done my fucking research here, because as i stated in yesterday’s entry, I strive to be as authentic as possible in everything, even when it’s utterly pointless and I’m just reviewing horror movies as a layup article.

I never suggested anything I do makes sense to anyone else, or that it should.

In any event, I am struggling to find a single new thing worth watching, or anything I want to rewatch from a horror movie perspective today. It might be that I am just tapped out on the genre. As such, I thought I’d write about a movie I love that is almost universally detested, even by the filmmaker- Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3. By far and away the most action packed and best paced film of the series, this flick is reviled because when it was cut down from X they overcut the gore. Did I care when I was a seventh grader at the movies on a school night with my dad, who was sitting there in a three piece suit starting incredulously at a screen blaring hardcore punk, thrash, chainsaws, and screaming? Fuck no, and I don’t care now. Show up for the soundtrack and stay for the fact this flick isn’t just 45 minutes of endless screaming and running.

If you decide to go with the reviewers on this (which you shouldn’t, as they’re simply repeating the opinion of the people before them), you could do what I am doing now and watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 on Prime. TCM 2 is the “comedy” of the bunch (note the Breakfast Club-style film poster), stars an extra-maniacal Dennis Hopper as the cop trying to avenge his fallen brother (the trope used by Rob Zombie in HO2KC). I haven’t seen it since middle school, so I’ll have to finish reviewing it tomorrow, as I will hopefully have better shit on the agenda today than sitting in front of the TV all day.

TCM2 is on free Prime, though 3 is not.

Oct 30

The Dinner Party (2020)

Oh, just what in the fuck have I done to myself? For the last six months I have been working, writing, and lifting until I dropped without a day off, and for whatever reason decided that writing thirty short horror reviews would not be a big deal. But me being me, I felt I had to watch them and review them as I went, for some weird insistance of “authenticity” my brain decided it needed. As such, I have been studying horror as I have been writing a senior thesis for one of my neighbors. My side hustles even come with fucking homework.

In any event, this flick looks like it’s gonna be Would You Rather X Monster Party, which would have been rad as I love both of those flicks (and they’re on Netflix and Shudder, respectively). Who the fuck knows what it ends up being because in 45 minutes nothing happened but awkward conversation. I stayed for the thick witchy redhead and there was no payoff, and as I doubt any of you are into chubby witches with hairy armpits, there is genuinely no reason to watch this film. At all.

They can’t all be winners.

Oct 29

The Beach House (2020)

I was gave up on this movie three times before I finally sat through the slow burn bit, and it was definitely fucking worth it. A rad new take on cosmic horror and zombies, the Beach House is a snapshot of what a worst case scenario weekend when trying to reconcile with an ex could actually be.

The arrive to a cockblock couple already in place, with a woman dying of dementia and her husband occupying the beach house they’d intended to use. Shit moves slow right up until it gets weird, and the weird keeps building right up until the credits roll. I don’t want to give too much away- just stick with it through the slow bits.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwAEWM9Jzfs

It’s not the goriest thing (though there’s a scene that tops the Cabin Fever leg-shaving scene), but there’s some rad creature effects and practical work. I’m definitely looking forward to some kind of a sequel, if there is one. 🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five, as it the cosmic horror trend of a plodding pace tires me.

Oct 28

I had a lot of movies that either sucked or were missteps I didn’t watch to the end and didn’t review.

Slaughterhouse Rulez, the YA horror comedy thing Simon Pegg/Nick Frost did recently. It was totally unmemorable. Starz.

Zombieland Double Tap. Pass. It wasn’t great. Barely good. Starz.

Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island. I was so high I have no idea what I watched. I recall thinking it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t horror. It was pleasant enough as a movie, I guess. Starz.

The Jack in the Box. Eh. It was ok. After watching the killer queen doll thing I was done with the jerky, faux stop-motion movements. It’s not a bad slasher flick though. Prime, I think.

Sleepaway Camp I &II– just skip to three. that’s where the money shot is in that series. They’re all on Shudder.

Victor Crowley. I had enough of that man after watching 2 and 3 I think. It wasn’t bad, but fuck me if you watch those in a row it’s worse than the Feast flicks back to back. Those are series you need to space out when you watch them. Prime.

Killer Weekend. I liked the premise (stag party lamely going paintballing starts getting murdered in the woods), but the chubby blokes in the woods gambit British horcom(?)s always use is tired as fuck. It was tired with that weird misogynistic Danny Dyer zombie flick ten years ago, and it’s really tired now. The Brits desperately need a new gimmick, especially since the only thing less dangerous than British woodlands is a heavily sanitized foam pit at Gymboree. Prime.

Oct 27

This beast might look like another home invasion flick in the thumbnail on Shudder, but it’s actually an insanely brutal slasher flick in which a slasher is inspired by the comic inspired by his misdeeds. Art imitates sepulchral life imitates art, etc.

Written, directed, and starring the dickheadish and wry Jay Baruchel from Goon, it also stars the brunette from Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Beginning (who I just realized is Mia Torretto), the ridiculously good looking, nerdy jock from from Cabin in the Woods, and the chick who played dick-slashing almost-femme-fatale Lorena Bobbitt in a biopic that dropped this year, this flick has shades of Cabin, but mixed with the blond-drenched insanity of the dope but cancelled comic Crossed.

FFO: the Devils Rejects trilogy, Maniac, Cabin in the Woods, Poughkeepsie Tapes, Saw, Mom… it’s all over the place, but if you like a cool setup and scenes of artistic dismemberment, this one’s for you.

It’s on Shudder, so check it out ASAP.

Oct 26

Spiral (2020)

Fuck this movie and everyone who likes the Witch twice. This shit is a waste of everyone’s time, just like the Witch, Midsommar, that dumbass tongue-clucking shit, and all of the other nuwave poser horror flicks that have rolled through theaters in the last couple years- what they call slow burn just means “boring as fuck” and/or “literally nothing happens for 2 and a half hours.”

It’s on Shudder, I assume for profiling purposes, like putting smooth jazz on a jukebox in a biker bar.

Oct 25

Ghostbusters (2016)

Honestly, I have no idea why everyone had their panties in such a fucking twist over this flick. It was a great homage to the original, had a nice cameo by Slimer, and was overall a pretty solid movie. Did I love the fuck out of it? Nah, but I thought the OG was somewhat overrated as well.

Turn your redpill down and give it a look when you run out of other shit to watch- you will likely be pleasantly surprised. 🐐🐐🐐 out of five if for no other reason than Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones are both awesome, and watching Chris Hemsworth be borderline sexually harrassed by famous people who clearly couldn’t remember their lines if they looked him right in the eyes.

Oct 24

The Devil’s Machine / Automata (2019)

Obviously, I’ve been on a bit of a possessed dolls kick of late- I find that my interests are generally cyclical like that. As I will likely again develop a deep-seated need to consume massive amounts of fatty meats again and will awaken one day to fill my guts with McDonald’s breakfast sausages to start another decade of keto, but as my interests flow elsewhere from a culinary standpoint, so do they stray from the endless repetition of the Crank films and plotless gorefests of the early 2010s. 2020 was the year I rekindled my love for slasher flicks (if you haven’t seen the OG Black Christmas, by the way, which is the progenitor of the slasher film, it’s still on Shudder and it’s creepy as fuck) and possessed doll films.

Frankly, with the utter dreck in that category in the last decade (fuck those stupid Annabelle movies in the ass), it’s unsurprising I made that move, but I’ve come to realize there’s a lot of fun shit to be done with evil doll movies, whether they be pure shlock like Blood Dolls or a psychological thriller like The Devil’s Machine. This flick is equal parts Session 9 and Brotherhood of the Wolf, with enough plot twists to have M. Night looking for the nearest stout tree branch from which to hang himself and more originality than we have any right to expect out of an evil doll flick.

The plot is pretty simple- a clockwork automaton thought to be responsible for all manner of insanity and bloodshed was thought lost forever. Now, it’s been uncovered in the Scottish highlands and the world’s foremost authority on the legend of the doll is offered 1m pounds to verify its authentic by getting it to perform the five acts of which it was capable of performing- the trick is that all of the previous caretakers have gone utterly insane and died in buckets of blood.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ2dcp6NLCo

There’s not much blood, but the shit is a seriously quality flick along the lines of Session 9 (available free on Netflix, btw), with a lot of the silly French period shit of Brotherhood of the Wolf. Provided you can suspend your disbelief at fearing an unwashed, obese man in a powdered wig from the 18th century (because from a physical standpoint all you’d really have to fear was them annoying you unless armed). I’ve certainly seen worse movies of late, but I’m not sure if I’m inclined to give this one 3 or 4 goats, as I have no option for cutting one in half. It won’t blow your mind, but it shouldn’t bore you either- it’s great if you want to watch spooky shit without much gore.

Oct 23

Cult of Chucky (2017)

Having rewatched Bride and Seed and fucking loved them, I decided to continue my Child’s Play adventure and check out the intended soft reboot of the series, 2017’s Cult of Chucky. In this flick, Brad Dourif continues to play the voice of Chucky, but the protagonist of the film is Dourif’s real life daughters Fiona, who reprises her role from Curse of Chucky. If you saw the newest Child’s Play and hated it, good- it was a bullshit spinoff of the series that the studio made as a money grab. This was intended to be the way the series would carry on, as it introduces Chucky’s ability to voodoo the shit out of everything, even over the internet.

If it had been Chucky whom Seagal was fighting in Out for Justice, no amount of aikido arm-waving would have been able to stop the army of Chucky dolls the main man is able to unleash upon an unsuspecting mental hospital, where Fiona Dourif’s character is incarcerated for having “murdered” her parents. By 2017 Chucky has gone from adept in the voodoo arts (I guess, but transferring your soul into a doll is likely not in the voodoo beginner or intermediate program- I think you have to do Smolov Sr for that kind of good shit) to a full blown Voodoo high priest and internet wunderkind. The implications are staggering, and Jennifer Tilly is still there to Tilly the shit out of everything with her bombshell curves and adorably squeaky voice. This is also the canonical basis for the upcoming tv show, which will star all of the original cast.

Gore. Jennifer Tilly. One liners. And murderous dolls. What the fuck else do you want in life? 🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five. And as with all things Chucky, it’s available for free on AMC.

Oct 22

Love and Monsters (2020)

A postapocalyptic road flick along the lines of Zombieland, done in a more inventive way to far less success. A kid in an underground colony hiding from giant mutated insects decides to leave the relative comfort of his subterranean lair to reunite with his high school girlfriend, from whom he was estranged for a decade due to the apocalypse.

It wasn’t bad and was visually rad, but ultimately just couldn’t grab anyone’s attention at my house. The main character is less likeable than a meth-addicted love child of Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg would be, Michael Rooker ended up less cool than either of the post-apocalyptic badasses Woody Harrelson has played (even his drunken Hunger Games bullshit was better), Three goats, I guess, for the effort? Actually, I take that back- two goats because it promised us the sun and the moon and gave us a less pleasant Zombieland (which is fucking overrated anyway). In fact, the film’s only saving grace was the little brown girl who did a really rad update of the feral girl from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. 🐐🐐. You can rent it for $20 bucks, but you’d be better off spending that money on bath salts and robbing a convenience store.

Oct 21

A Babysitter’s Guide to Monster Hunting (2020)

Someone commented yesterday that they never thought they’d live to see the day I recommended a kids’ movie, and I frankly agreed, because YA movies are usually hot trash. The recent stuff coming from Netflix, however, gives me hope that while almost none of you bother to educate your children, Netflix has resolved to do so in your stead. Not only that, but they’re doing it in a fun way that will make a decade of Kidz Bop seem less like a Soviet torture technique and more like music that will go nicely with shit like Babysitter’s and Vampires vs the Bronx– these flicks will turn kids into better educated baby horror fans over time.

Obviously, there’s no gore in this, but it blows Monster Squad out of the fucking water with a sick combination of humor, clever action, cool monster designs, and likeably precocious kids. Stylistically it looks a lot like Spy Kids, which I saw in passing years ago while I had to be an after school chaperone as a teacher back in the day. As much as I love Desperado, I’m no fan of James Bond or kids, so that flick didn’t appeal. The kids in this are young teens, and the movie’s based on a book series I haven’t read that seem like a Hardy Boys version of Larry Correia’s Monster Hunter International series mashed up with Monsters Inc– yeah, it’s weird as fuck, but it works really well. There’s elements of Beetlejuice and Army Darkness as well as plenty of other little callbacks that will keep you interested as an adult even if you have no kids and are simply trying to quiet the rage filling your insides as simpletons continually foist their insipid conspiracy theories on you

A man I used to consider a friend told me that “space is a hoax” yesterday. As I am not on the lam for homicide, I shall give this flick four goats out of five just for it keeping me sane. 🐐🐐🐐🐐. Netflix, obviously.

Oct 20

51 States of Fright (2020)

2020 is the year of the dope anthology, and this is one you can binge watch quick as shit. Literally every one of the sub-ten minute short films is fucking rad, even down to a bizarre yarn monster that controls a small country town. The gore is on point, the acting is stellar (one of them stars Ragnar from Vikings), and the plots are totally unique. Any of these things could easily be made into a feature-length, theatrical release and you’d never know it came from a short filmed for your phone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvSnlU6O6N0

Find a way to watch this- it’s on Quibi and it is the best motherfucking horror anthology ever made, bar none. If this is whatever Quibi is, I think I love Quibi enough that if Trump picked Quibi as a running mate I would give thought to firing a vote over to the illiterate, obese, science-denying weakling side of this upcoming election. I might even put on a smedium polo shirt at the voting booth, in fact- this shit is that insanely rad. 🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐 ten goats out of five, because frankly I never thought I’d see an anthology this good ever in my life.

Oct 19

The Mortuary Collection (2020)

Finally! A badass horror anthology has arrived!! I realize that some of you might have been really into Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, but I hedged my bets and decided to await a rated-R version (I love monster movies, so I was really looking forward to one). Though this isn’t as gritty or intense as the ABCs of Death or V/H/S series, this one brings enough R-rated gore to get me in the door and keep me there.

Hosted by a great old-school horror movie undead mortician reminiscent of the Cryptkeeper (though not enough to be a ripoff), the film has a slasher story, a couple of monster stories, and enough awesome Tales From the Crypt style moralizing your moral compass will have you headed straight for the nearest B’Hai Temple to get your good-natured hippy on.

🐐🐐🐐🐐 because it has been far too fucking long since V/H/S: Viral, but as with any anthology, they can’t all be winners. It’s free on Prime, so watch it ASAP.

Oct 18

Intersect (2020)

Take the indie movie sci fi snoozefest Primer and add Cthulu. That’ll be a hard pass for me dog. It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but I can’t think of a reason to recommend it, either. The concept was clever, but it ran a fine line between boring and annoying at least half the time. And the monsters were fucking dope– I really wanted to like this movie. I just didn’t.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkWAfa5EAho

🐐🐐 out of five. For a more heady and in-depth explanation of exactly why I wasn’t into this film, check out Rue Morgue’s spot-on review by clicking these words.

Oct 17

I am Lisa (2020)

This is the best werewolf movie I’ve ever seen, bar none. Ginger Snaps had its moments and obviously influenced this flick fairly heavily, as did Avenged (a rad revenge flick in which a deaf chick basically becomes a more vicious version of the Crow) and Wolf Cop (her last name is, predictably, Garou). The baddie in the flick, Carmen Anello, is the best chick heavy in a movie this side of Gina Carano, and kind of looks like a cross between Gina and Jamie Pressley in Torque. You should watch this shit for that, if no other reason.

Does the plot really matter? A teenage chick in a town full of evil hillbilly rapists gets her revenge after becoming a werewolf at the tail end of her attempted rape and murder by the town cops. She teams up with her former gf/bff/not sure and starts the killing. Also, Carmen Anello looks like the type of chick who would get frustrated with the fact dudes were too intimidated by her arms and just grab some pussy, throw him over her shoulder, and use him until he broke.

The gore, frankly, is pretty tame. There is a fryolator scene that is probably the least brutal I’ve ever seen, but that’s not to say that it’s bad- this just isn’t a gorefest.

I have a sense this movie is going to become even better upon rewatch, so I will update this when I watch it again. I’ve gotta say that I like the inclusion of traditional tropes (the mousy vegetarian chick turning into a carnivorous punk/hardcore/metal badass upon becoming a zombie/vampire/werewolf), the fact that the director incorporated shit like the Lon Cheney Wolfman and homages to even little indie gems like Blood Car in the flick, and all of the other little fun genre nods in here. I think the rewatches will yield a lot of really cool little touches no one really noticed in the first watch or two- this flick really is pretty clever.

Is it perfect? No, but few things are. The score is fucking abysmal, though, especially during the fight scenes, so be prepared not to be entirely in love with it. That said, it’s a rad new werewolf movie, and it has one of the greatest hardass lines ever:

“I AM A NEW TERROR, BORN OF DEATH.”

🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five, but it’s an easy 5 out of five if they rescore the goddamn thing. This movie featured music by ridiculously awesome bands like Coalesce, Pallbearer (if you like doom), the Casket Lottery, and the Architects, yet the score was pulled out of a bad 90s Cinemax flick. It makes no sense. I am greatly vexed. Anyway, rent that shit online here, or I guess wait until Shudder picks it up (hopefully?).

Oct 16

The Final Destination

Perhaps the two most unjustly maligned gory horror franchises on the planet are two of which none of you ever think when looking for gore- the Final Destination series and the Conjuring series. Both were heavily produced and perhaps overly slick, but they both bring the fucking ruckus when it comes to gore, and due to the budgets, the films are well paced, well shot, and well acted.

Maybe the best of all of them (especially if you can see it in 3D) is the last Final Destination movie, The Final Destination, which dropped in theaters in 2009 and blew my fucking mind with the 3D kills. Seriously, if you have a 3D tv and love horror, you HAVE to watch this and My Bloody Valentine 3D, both of which make the best use of 3D tech I’ve ever seen. All of the Final Destinations are on AMC as well if you feel like binging some rad Rube Goldberg-style death!

Oct 15

Seed of Chucky

Many people thought the Child’s Play series went off the rails when they ventured into Army of Darkness style comedy in Bride of Chucky. Those people then had a fucking stroke when director David Kirshner injected even more LGBT-style fun into Seed, which focuses even less on the horror as it goes hyper-meta in a movie wherein tittylicious bombshell Jennifer Tilly plays herself in a movie in which she is also playing a doll possessed by a burgeoning serial killer in a movie within the movie, who’s on a Mickey and Mallory style homicidal road trip with Chucky and their hideous gender fluid child, Glen. Or Glenda, depending on the circumstances.

Glen: But, isn’t violence bad?

Chucky: No, son. “Violins.” Violins are bad. That screeching music is gonna ruin the goddamn country!

It probably sounds like a pile of shit because it is impossible to give you a concrete reason to watch this movie beyond the fact that it is the single most self-aware horror movie ever made, and the characters in the film obviously love this franchise more than you people love your own kids. This film, like Visitor Q, Nowhere, and other weird-as-fuck, unlabelable films, utterly defies ratings but it’s more than worth a watch. Especially if you’ve got a bunch of uptight people over you want to get the fuck out of your house in a hurry. All of the Child’s Play movies (other than the unmentionable waste of a reboot from 2019) are on AMC On Demand, so you can happily watch them free of charge with a big bucket of candy corn.

Oct 14

JeruZalem (2015)

If I’m honest, I’ve never understood the issue with found footage-style cinema verite, but people seem to fucking hate it. If you’re one of those people I would surmise you’ll hate this movie just like you hate pizza, chocolate, tacos, and every other one of the gifts to humanity we’re privileged to enjoy in the culinary and entertainment heaven that is the modern world. If you liked Cloverfield, though, you will definitely be into JeruZalem.

I take that back- if you have a pathological fear of innately nonthreatening things, like the Jewish religion, butterflies, or pillows, you’ll hate the shit out of this movie, though you hate everything and live in a rage-filled prison due to your limited intellectual capacity’s ability to absorb and synthesize information, so one more little hatred probably won’t make a difference.

The plot’s pretty simple- a teenaged Jewish girl and her best friend visit Jerusalem on vacation during what appears to be the Biblical apocalypse. Instead of turning into zombies, people bitten by the demons are quickly transformed into badass winged demons themselves, and all hell breaks out as winged death begins raining down on the holy city.

This thing is pretty fucking flawless as horror movies go- as with any found footage film, you have some intensely annoying characters but as that mirrors real life, it’s to be expected. Watch this one to the very end, because the end is the best fucking part. 🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five, as I’m generally not in the habit of recommending “meh” movies but I don’t think this film is going down in history as epic, though it is unique enough to at least get mentioned in the conversation.

Oct 13

Hatchet 3 (2013)

I’ve mostly hated slasher movies throughout my life, because they’re one-note as shit, usually pretty redundant, and bore me more than they thrill me. Thus, when I first watched Hatchet, I simply thought it was another derivative pile of shit, but I failed to see the genius of the Hatchet flicks for too long. Hatchet 3 is equal parts Aliens, Rambo: Last Blood, and Evil Dead reboots. Best kills scenes in history, a sweet homage to the Space Marines in Aliens that features another of the Jasons as the SWAT team member (slasher movie legend Kane Hodder plays the lead) passable acting, and really excellent pacing make this my pick for the best slasher movie I think I’ve ever seen.

It’s on Shudder, so check it out there. As slasher flicks go, this is about as good as it gets. As a regular movie it even gets four goats out of five- it’s that entertaining. 🐐🐐🐐🐐

Oct 12

The Shed (2020)

One “what if?” for which I never even considered planning was having an attack vampire. I now feel fucking stupid for never considering the possibility of an attack vampire. While you consider how stupid we all are for never having considered the wonder and majesty of life as a post-apocalyptic warlord with a nest of attack vampires at your beck and call, watch the Shed. In it, you’ll see how one fictitious high school punk does… and it goes about like you’d think. And then gets better.

Gore in fucking buckets, and it’s on Shudder, like all other things good and horror. Three goats out of five. 🐐🐐🐐 It’s fun, but I’m not going to put it on par with something like TCM3.

Oct 11

Ghostland (2019)

This movie surprised me more with twists and turns than just about anything I’ve seen in the last couple of years that was not called Knives Out. That’s not to say that the plot is necessarily filled with twists, but it’s one of the least predictable things I’ve seen in some time. Add to that the fact that the baddies are a witch and your typical overgrown mentally challenged man in the scariest ice cream truck in history, and you’ve got the recipe for a pretty rad movie, even without knowing the plot. Don’t read the plot online or it’ll fucking ruin the movie. Just watch this flick to see what happens 16 years after a mother and her two daughters go insanely fucking hard when they’re savagely attacked as they move into a creepy old house they’d just inherited.

It’s fucking rad and is also on Shudder. You might notice a trend. And they don’t pay me shit- it’s just that Netflix again has fuckall for October horror and I’m desperate for new shit to watch. I’ll give this four goats out of five. 🐐🐐🐐🐐

Oct 10

Vampires vs the Bronx (2020)

Parents rejoice! You finally have a rad companion movie to Monster Squad, provided you’re not the type of person who shares ballcap color choices with Fred Durst. Vampires versus the Bronx is a rad PG-13 movie starring some insanely talented young teens as kids in the Bronx battling an invasion by creepy white people only they know to be the blood-thirsty undead. It introduces kids to vampire lore and the OG black superhero movie, Blade, at the same time as it makes a rather unsubtle allegory about gentrification and features a cast in which white people are decidedly not the good guys (though it doesn’t demonize white people either- it’s just a cool film to get kids and especially kids of color into horror).

Provided you’re educated, fully literate, and you enjoy horror, there is almost no chance you’ll dislike this flick. Should you not, I’d be interested to find out why, so hit me in the comments. And if you’re going to bitch about the lack of gore, remind yourself it’s a horror-comedy aimed at young teens and calm yourself. Watch it on Netflix. Seriously, it’s fucking great. 🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five as a family-friendly Halloween favorite, because this is the best thing you can possibly pair with Monster Squad, especially as it paints hipsters as the societal cancer that they are.

Oct 9

Hatchet 2 (2010)

Spider-Man vs Victor Crowley! When I first saw this I was so drunk my BAC probably would have been fatal to more people than ebola, and I had no conception of who the fuck Tom Holland was beyond looking like the kid from My Left Foot and whatever that dumbass Irish ballet flick was. Without googling, I think I hated him because he was in one or both of those horrible shitpiles I’d been forced through by chicks, so I didn’t give this flick a fair shake. Well, he’s barely in it, and it’s not as good as three, or Nightmare on Elm Street 2, or Halloween 3.

But that said, this was a three goats out of five. 🐐🐐🐐 It’s on Shudder as well. They can’t all be winners, especially when you’ve seen as many movies as I have.

Oct 8

Uncle Peckerhead (2020)

Scott Pilgrim X Green Room X The Revenant (which is a pretty decent little low budget horror comedy along the lines of Dead Heat, if you’ve not seen it). The music is punk and rad as fuck, the practical effects are rad, and the movie is just a good goddamn time. If you cannot enjoy this film, you are dead inside.

The plot is a broke-and-indie-as-fuck punk band that kinda sounds like Minor Threat, Blink 182, and Everytime I Die thrown into a blender (the music is written by Philly punk and guitarist in the film has their car repo’d before their first tour, so they resort to having a dude who lives in his van become their roadie. As it happens, their new roadie Uncle Peckerhead becomes a flesh-eating ghoul for a few minutes very night, and the band somewhat reluctantly enlists his aid in getting paid and serving motherfuckers some hilariously passive-aggressive new school punk rock payback.

🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five because I lack an emoji for a goat ripped in twain for a 4.5. It’s not perfect, but few things are. It is, however, definitely worth the price of a rental.

Oct 7

Blood Dolls (1999)

Charles Band is basically the dude who made VOD horror what it is today. Objectively, his movies are a fucking shitshow, but if you just relax and enjoy the utter absurdity of it, a movie about an ungodly rich dude with a tiny head who inexplicably shrinks shitty employees into little dolls, which then for whatever reason do his bidding and murder his enemies can be pretty awesome, especially since he keeps an all-chick metal band in an electrified cage to provide him with a never ending metal soundtrack for his shenanigans.

As guilty pleasure flicks go, it gets no guiltier or weirdly pleasurable than this weird mess of a movie. I’d say this is a five star Band film, but I’ve no idea how that relates to normal movie ratings. We’re talking about a man who also made a movie in which all of the Universal monsters are brought to life by a lunatic, though they’re all midgets and fucking pissed about it (which is also on Tubi and is called the Creeps)- just watch this if you’re feeling goofy and want something totally insane.

Oct 6

Brain Damage (1988)

What’s a little Charles Band without a bit of Frank Hennenlotter? The latter is the director of the epic low-budget weirdness Basket Case (the star of which prints rad shit for my boy Anthony Gutter at Gutter Christ Productions), though I think Brain Damage is his best flick. This movie is about a parasite that attaches itself to the brain stem of its host and controls them essentially by making them cum constantly (and get fatally addicted to it).

Did I mention the parasite slides out of their body and eats people’s brains while the host is cumming in their pants? Well, it does, and it bears the exact personality of the alien xenomorph in Spaceballs. And if you’re a fan of Dope DOD, you know a bit of this flick from the song Brain Worms (which is also a banger is you like dubstep and horrorcore rap).

Don’t miss this shit- it’s legit as fuck. 🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five.

Oct 5

Hostel (2005)

I brought in backup on this one, from my man La Flama Blanca, Anthony Fuhrman. Here is what “All Things Man” had to say on the subject of the film that kicked off the spate of horror porn to which we were all painfully subjected in the late 1990s. It seems he shares my opinion on the Hostel series, which shouldn’t surprise me because it seems like we’re enough alike that our friendship could become toxic and unnatural in record time. Anyway, here’s what Anthony had to say on Hostel.

I recently revisited the Eli Roth classic “Hostel”. I remember seeing this movie in theaters as a teenager, and how cutting edge and disgusting it was. Fast forward to watching it as a 32-year-old man in the comfort of my own home and… well… it sucks.

Do not get me wrong, at the time I am sure it was a mind-bending tale of torture porn in the early/mid 2000s. Maybe my taste has changed, maybe I have seen much better movies that skewed my perception, or maybe it was never good to begin with. The pretense of college students backpacking across Europe getting into drunken encounters and treating women like fuck dolls is not something that makes me want to root for them. Their only purpose for existing according to the first act, is to have sex and be frat boys until they go home to the US.

They try to drop hints of humanity here and there, but fall short, especially with how easily they are conned into going to Slovakia with promises of sex. The second act focuses on their Hostel experience, how they have beautiful roommates, and the homophobic nature of their train ride to Bratislava can not be overlooked. It is here that they start getting worried, because ‘Oli” their Viking friend goes missing. It is revealed that his head was severed and a man in a butcher outfit walks away casually. They still party because Paxton (the lead character) is incapable of being a productive human being.

He wakes up in a closet to his last remaining friend going missing, and it is here they try to force empathy for Paxton through his kind actions with the Japanese tourist. After some more torture porn (at the hands of the train ride homosexual) we find ourselves with Paxton as he is tricked into heading to the “Art Show”. Fast forward some lame torture and escaping
through improbable means, he heads up to the area where he learns that people are paying for the privilege of murdering individuals. This exchange with the obviously unstable American is probably the highlight of the movie. Paxton goes to escape when he hears the Japanese girl from earlier screaming.

Now he all of a sudden becomes a gentleman. I do not buy it, but they sold it anyways. He runs in, saves the girl, gets to the train station and she jumps in front of it anyways ha-ha. As the movie continues to drag on, he finds the man that murdered his friend, follows him to the toilet, cuts his fingers off, half drowns him, and slits his throat ruthlessly. Again, this keeps dragging on and on, with unbelievable character development, and a terribly unorganized torture porn series.

All in all, this movie does not deliver on the gore or shock in 2020, and you would be better off watching “A Serbian Film” if you’re into the torture porn thing [Jamie: or August Underground’s Mordum]. Other than that, I wish I had more thumbs so I could give it 5 thumbs down.

And from me, fuck this movie every which way. It was where we were in horror 15 years ago in the US while the French were blowing everyone’s minds with shit like Inside and Martyrs, all of which asked deep metaphysical questions about the human condition (gore-drenched, but they were questions nonetheless), Hostel was nothing but rich people acting like 16th Century Spaniards, and WE’RE LEFT HAVING TO ROOT FOR SOMEONE NAMED PAXTON. Yeah, fuck that noise.

Oct 4

The Last Lovecraft: The Relic of Cthulu

I will preface this by saying that I have never been able to finish The Void, which is supposed to be the end-all, be-all of Lovecraftian flicks in spite of the fact that it’s so slow moving it’s unwatchable, and the state of the creature effects requires more levity than it brings. My problems with that fucking movie are legion, but never fear, because I have more than one low-budgeter that does everything The Void does, but better. And far, far funnier.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lFGiCJwPHo

The first of these two films is The Last Lovecraft, which stars rappin’ “retarded person” Lil’ Kev from one of the early It’s Always Sunny episodes entitled “Sweet Dee is Dating a Retarded Person” (which is an amazing episode), in which the last living relative of HP Lovecraft is entrusted with single-handedly stopping the return of the Old Ones. This movie isn’t so bad it’s good- it’s not fucking bad at all. It’s goofy, has some really rad monsters given the budget, and features the perfect amount of overacting by a bunch of fluffy nerds who clearly love Lovecraft more than anyone else living today.

🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five, unless you’re a massive shlock and Lovecraft fan, in which case this might be five goat kinda flick. And it’s free on Prime, so you don’t even need to drop five bucks on Shudder for this one.

Oct 3

Call Girl of Cthulu

Call Girl of Cthulu IS indie shlock filmmaking. Punk, gore, tits, comedy, and a super enthusiastic if not-terribly-well-acted Lovecraftian horror flick about a virgin who falls in love with a prostitue who happens to be bringing about the apocalypse with her pussy. It’s a fun look at the creepers of the world blowing up your girls’ or guys’ DMs nonstop (they all die bloody and looking as stupid in death as they did in life). Is it haute cinema? Nah, but it’s rad, and the scene chicks are pretty cute (and who doesn’t love a good scene chick? Suicide Girls were the shit for a reason), and the gore is plentiful enough that it caused me to state the following about this dildo picture.

If this isn’t the perfect Halloween party movie, I have no idea what is. It’s not streaming anywhere, so just watch it free here, I guess. I’m not one for advocating that as a general rule, but there’s no way to legally stream it I could find.

🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five, because this movie is fun enough to warrant plenty of rewatches (and you should probably be lit enough you don’t remember most of it if you really want to fully enjoy it anyway).

Oct 2

The Blob (1988)

Having never seen either of the Blob films (the original is from 1958) in spite of living in the town where both were filmed for a year (they even have an annual Blobfest), I decided to throw caution to the wind (I’ve never been into that movie in the slightest) and give it a shot.

Don’t. If you want body melt shit there’s plenty on Tubi (I know Body Melt is on there, and Street Trash is on Shudder as part of the Last Drive-In series), and if you want a good horror movie with a similar monster, just watch either one of the Thing films instead. The effects were cool enough but the movie was a fucking shitfest- unlikable characters, a fairly nonsensical monster, and some of the worst acting in the history of blockbuster films made this one of the most garbage films in a year that gave the world Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

Oct 1

Bride of Chucky (1998)

Hey, it’s technically a horror movie, and I now have two films I can watch with Tara (who handles jump scares badly) on Halloween- Bride of Chucky and Freddy vs Jason. Interestingly, they’re directed by the same guy, and this is the first film of the Chucky series that delves into the producer’s sexuality (if John Watter’s inclusion in this flick didn’t tip you off, then there you go), and this was their first foray into comedy. That said, I’d hardly classify this as a horror movie- it’s more of a black romantic comedy about a serial killer couple than it is a horror flick.

Unsure if you should watch it? There’s two huge, gorgeous reasons. Jennifer Tilly fucking rules. Need more? John Ritter is in this motherfucker alongside a plump young Catherine Heigl (who tragically isn’t murdered all to pieces), the soundtrack is just as rad as every other late 90s horror flick (it’s 100% numetal goodness), and you can watch it free on AMC.

🐐🐐🐐🐐 out of five. There was much amazing in this, but I’ve yet to watch Seed of Chucky and think that is likely going to be a five star winner for comedy, which I’ve got Cult on now and it’s definitely looking great right out of the gate as well.

Here’s the original intro, which I doubt anyone wants to read again:

Though I haven’t announced any of the actual new shit officially yet, there is a new podcast coming in the next month that will be both scripted and cohosted by people with whom I am both friends and to whom I enjoy speaking, which will be a pretty serious departure from the two shitdog podcasts of the past in which I found myself thoroughly unenthusiastically involved. It’ll be called Dead Weight, and it will feature myself along with US Army Infantry active duty, 2019 World Strongman Challenge u231 champ, and “all things man” Titan Games competitor Anthony Fuhrman and world record holder in the axle deadlift lawyer-gone-OnlyFans Haley Randall as steady cohosts (assuming all goes according to plan), along with some guest spots from all kinds of people.

It’ll be the same sort of shit you get here (we’ll be redoing old article topics regularly with updated information), but with three different voices bringing different perspectives. Lest you worry that it will in some way find itself toned down, it’s three world record holders in two different strength sports who have three different grad degrees between them (and another on the way), two of whom have worked or still do in porn (and a third who’s just the right offer away… as are we all).

The guy who’s been tapped to produce it is tied up until mid-Oct, so I won’t have good details on anything until then, though we might try to record something sooner- our official first episode/series is going to be “The History of Muscle Porn.” Because that’s how we do.

In the meantime, I thought I’d start throwing up my 31 in 31 for October in case you guys wanted some extra film suggestions for this month. I’ll just keep updating them as I watch them, so don’t expect all 31 right out of the gate- I really don’t plan a fucking thing in my life.

This shit is entirely DIY and mostly self supported. If you’ve got it like that and would like to throw me something for the effort, I’d be much obliged. Every penny you spend goes towards physically and metaphorically crushing the fucking weakness out of every single person who comes into contact with anything having to do with me.

Join the fight against mental and physical weakness- mash the fuck out of that button, and let’s verbally lump some motherfuckers up.

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