Plague of Strength

My Brain is Fucking Melting, So it’s Contest Time: Create the Ultimate X-Team and Win Free Shit

Jamie Chaos

After spending three straight weeks writing around the clock, my brain is melting (and I’m 95% sure the book will be onsale tonight, as it’s just awaiting a cover and a third proofreading). In any event, I have had a splitting headache for over a week, can’t sleep for dreaming about training and this fucking book, and am generally going to suicide by chainsaw if I don’t focus on other shit for a few days. Like I said, though, the book announcement should be up tonight. In the meantime…

Image result for chainsaw beheading gif
Sinaloa style.

A week or two ago I was listening to the Geek History Lesson podcast and I had an idea completely and blissfully unrelated to lifting and diet- I’m going to write an article about my picks for the Ultimate X-Men roster. And that shit is far more fun with the weird-ass input of you people, so I’m holding a contest to give away one of Chaos and Pain’s new badass shirt designs to three of the best (or worst) X-Men teams you people can come up with. And hell, assuming this book makes me any money at all, I’ll even throw in a signed, physical copy of the book to the team I deem capable of beating my own.

Either dazzle me with some horror show of a or knock my socks off with an unstoppable juggernaut of a team. Either way, you better have damn good reasoning for your choices, and explain those choices in as much hilarious detail as humanly possible. If your end game is the most violent gay orgy of all time, make that plain- my team will be prepared to do battle even in the most clothing-optional situations.

Related image
It never occurred to me before this moment that X-Men hentai existed. I can’t decide if this is a testament to awesomeness or just the saddest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen.

Entries will close in 36 hours, which is Wednesday 11:15PM EST. After I finish watching Strongest Man in History, I will make the selections, and I’ll be putting the best teams in the article detailing my team. Then, I’ll let you people fight it out in the comments to determine a winner between the three for the book.

The Rules:

Teams must consist of 5-8 members, two of whom must be chicks. They cannot contain more than two members who were together on the roster of one of greatest of the all-time great teams, those being:

Image result for claremont byrne x men

Claremont/Byrne X-Men– Cyclops, Jean Grey, Wolverine, Storm, Colossus, Nightcrawler, Banshee, and Kitty Pryde

Image result for x-men blue team 90s

Jim Lee’s X-Men Blue– Cyclops, Wolverine, Rogue, Beast, Jubilee, Gambit, and Psylocke

Image result for 80s x-men team Storm, Wolverine, Colossus, Nightcrawler, Rogue, Rachel Summers, Shadowcat, Longshot, and Havok

80’s X-Men, which consisted of Magneto, Punk rock Storm, Wolverine, Colossus, Nightcrawler, Rogue, Rachel Summers, Shadowcat, Longshot, and Havok

Image result for new x-force
That art tho. Jesus, that’s sick.

New X-Force (which if it had Cable would officially be the greatest team ever), which consists of Wolverine, Archangel, Fantomex, Psylocke, Warpath, X-23, and Deadpool

The team has to consist of the following character types:

  • A Leader– a Cyclops, Magneto, Prof X. Someone with a bit of strategery to them, and has to be an established leader in X-Men lore.
  • A Heavy– a smash-all-the-shit-style heavy-hitter pugilist.
  • A Berserker– We all know who the archetype is here. I don’t know about you, but I build my team around the psychotic wild card.
  • A Phase Shifter/Teleporter or a High Flier– I’m old as fuck, and they always had one of these goods, who were typically there to sneak around and annoy the fucking hell out of Wolverine. The high fliers always struck me as pompous little dickheads- “Whee, you can fly. So go fly your fucking ass into the sun and get out of my face,” right? The X-Men teams were never short on annoyances, and these were mine.
  • A Psyker– they always have some dickhead trying to find out what horrible porn they can use for blackmail resides in the deepest recesses of your wrinkled, ugly brain matter..

Each person has to be a mutant member of a major X-Team. That means New Mutants, X-Men, X-Force, X-Factor, and Excalibur (though Captain Britain is not a mutant, so he’s not eligible). Beyond that, get fucking weird with it.

The shirts are fucking dope.

These shirts are worth twenty minutes of research and debate. And when you give me your reasoning, don’t just post the team- I want to know why you picked who you picked, and why that team would be a cohesive, unstoppable force, at an orgy or otherwise.

I’m going to select the winner from the entries on the Chaos and Pain Facebook. the Plague of Strength Facebook, here, and my Facebook. You only need to enter in the comments on one of those to be considered. Just be precise and for fuck’s sake, be entertaining. Life’s too goddamn short for the boring bullshit we deal with on the daily.

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Jamie Chaos Avatar
Jamie Chaos
I am a former all-time, all federation world record holder in raw powerlifting at 181lbs, a record I broke just to say fuck you to the internet’s “lifting” community and the powerlifting community at large. Over the last ten years I’ve written over 500 articles on strength training, nutrition, and supplementation, and continue to do so simply to fight the tide of weakness and sadness that currently pervades the scene I’ve called home for the better part of three decades. I’ve got personal trainin certs, BodyPump and BodyCombat certs, a BA in History and East Asian Studies from the University of Arizona, and MBAs from the Vienna University and University of South Carolina on my side, in addition to some sick lifts and a hell of a lot of rage. What the fuck have you got?

14 responses to “My Brain is Fucking Melting, So it’s Contest Time: Create the Ultimate X-Team and Win Free Shit”

  1. Vlad Makeev Avatar
    Vlad Makeev

    How in the world would I know that watching X-MEN is not a waste of time?

    Fuck. Don’t know most of the heroes.

    By the way, refreshing your site 10+ times a day. Pissing my pants to read your new book sooner.

  2. Travis A. Avatar
    Travis A.

    This team is comprised not only to dominate all other X-Men bitch squads in a fight, but to also show them up in a duel of sexual prowess as well. Without further ado…
    -Leader: Beast. Obviously this guy can fuck shit up in a fight (when he isn’t being portrayed by bitch ass Kelsey Grammer) but where he really comes in handy is using his big blue brains to dream up ridiculous sexual positions that make the Kama Sutra look like a yoga class for senior citizens at the YMCA. Plus he could do a porn spoof of King Kong where he climbs up a building and rails Rogue into next week.
    -Heavy: Juggernaut. If you like girth you got it here. Not only is he an unstoppable force of death and destruction, but just wait till he gets rolling on the choo choo train to pound town. He also brings a reimagining to the term skull fuck. In his version he assaults your rectum with his massive metallic head. It is a pleasure to be enjoyed sparingly.
    -Berserker: X23. All the rage, strength, and power of Wolverine packed into a tight little ball draining package. Not only would she take a cheese grater to your face in a fight, but imagine a soft tickle from that adamantium claw against your taint during a BJ.
    -Psyker : Emma Frost. Using her pretty much limitless powers to mind fuck you into the looney bin is one thing. However using those same powers to read your every sexual desire is another. The only issue here is when she catches you thinking about baseball so you don’t nut too fast. Also she can transform into a massive diamond dildo, which is a plus.
    -High Flyer: Phoenix. We all know when Jean Gray goes full Phoenix she is number one on the not to be fucked with list. She will scorch your ass like a marshmallow at summer camp. However almost no one knows how strong her sex game is. There is a reason Wolverine was so whipped over her. As the cool kids say she’s got that bomb ass pussy. Plus imagine fucking a massive fire bird while soaring over the Rocky Mountains. Breath taking.

  3. Connor Avatar
    Connor

    I can’t comment on facebook but please take as long as you need on the book, we can wait a few days!

    1. Jamie Chaos Avatar
      Jamie Chaos

      Thanks man!

  4. Warpspawn Avatar
    Warpspawn

    I figured I’d take a stab at this even though all of my X-Men knowledge stems from the movies and a couple videogames. Luckily Google is a thing so here goes. And no, I technically didn’t follow the rules with my picks. But according to the sidebar “Nothing Is True; Everything Is Permitted.”

    The Leader- William Stryker. He’s a guy with no powers who develops the badass Sentinels that stomp the ever living shit out of the remaining X-Men and Brotherhood of Mutants. They X-Men are literally forced to change fucking decades of history in order to save themselves from complete extinction. Also, he created Wolverine. Just sayin. Leaders are defined by their ability to create plans and get people to voluntarily carry them out. And if there’s one person who’s done this time and again it’s Stryker.

    The Heavy- Juggernaut. Fuck concrete, fuck mountains, and fuck you. Juggernaut is an unstoppable abomination of a mutant that walks around with brass knuckles just in case he needs to cave someone’s face in. Bonus points because the actor who played him in The Last Stand (Vinnie Jones) has been convicted of assault at least twice. And when it gets down to it a Heavy is defined by their ability to… be Juggernaut.

    The Berserker- Wolverine is the obvious pick but I’m gonna pick someone else for shits and giggles. X-23 (Yeah, it’s not that far of a stretch). She’s a girl who straight up eviscerates motherfuckers before she even hits puberty. Case in point: https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=fXF9G4o2BSo . A Berserker eschews technique for single minded savagery and the desire to inflict as much pain as possible (that flying jump kick.) X-23 has this in spades.

    High Flier- Magneto. His ability to fly is a mere side effect of his awesomeness and not his defining trait. But fly he does as he rams a giant metal cock up the assholes of the X-Men time and again. And let’s not forget the Mortal Kombatesque fatality in which he rips iron fragments out of that security guard’s body in a fine bloody spray reminiscent of an air freshener. Too much iron in your blood indeed.

    Psyker- Psylocke. First of all she’s played by the insanely hot Olivia Munn which is a mindfuck in and of itself. Then you have to take her powers into account. She has the standard psychic platter of telepathy and telekinesis but what makes her awesome is her psychic fucking sword. Because she’s a broad who knows that the easiest way to see what is going on in someone’s head is to cut it in fucking half.

    So why would these guys be an unstoppable team? First and foremost it’s because everyone is on the same page mentally. These are not individuals who will balk at ripping someone’s fetus out of their asshole. The ends justifies the means and it usually ends with some poor, dead bastard. Second, this team possesses both clearly defined tactical roles and the capacity to improvise. If somebody takes an arrow to the knee then there is guaranteed to be at least one other person on this team capable of stepping in and kicking ass.

    If ever there was a team that was designed to slay bitches and fuck dragons, it’s this one.

  5. Warpspawn Avatar
    Warpspawn

    I figured I’d take a stab at this even though all of my X-Men knowledge stems from the movies and a couple videogames. Luckily Google is a thing so here goes. And no, I technically didn’t follow the rules with my picks. But according to the sidebar “Nothing Is True; Everything Is Permitted.”

    The Leader- William Stryker. He’s a guy with no powers who develops the badass Sentinels that stomp the ever living shit out of the remaining X-Men and Brotherhood of Mutants. They X-Men are literally forced to change fucking decades of history in order to save themselves from complete extinction. Also, he created Wolverine. Just sayin. Leaders are defined by their ability to create plans and get people to voluntarily carry them out. And if there’s one person who’s done this time and again it’s Stryker.

    The Heavy- Juggernaut. Fuck concrete, fuck mountains, and fuck you. Juggernaut is an unstoppable abomination of a mutant that walks around with brass knuckles just in case he needs to cave someone’s face in. Bonus points because the actor who played him in The Last Stand (Vinnie Jones) has been convicted of assault at least twice. And when it gets down to it a Heavy is defined by their ability to… be Juggernaut.

    The Berserker- Wolverine is the obvious pick but I’m gonna pick someone else for shits and giggles. X-23 (Yeah, it’s not that far of a stretch). She’s a girl who straight up eviscerates motherfuckers before she even hits puberty. Case in point: https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=fXF9G4o2BSo . A Berserker eschews technique for single minded savagery and the desire to inflict as much pain as possible (that flying jump kick.) X-23 has this in spades.

    High Flier- Magneto. His ability to fly is a mere side effect of his awesomeness and not his defining trait. But fly he does as he rams a giant metal cock up the assholes of the X-Men time and again. And let’s not forget the Mortal Kombatesque fatality in which he rips iron fragments out of that security guard’s body in a fine bloody spray reminiscent of an air freshener. Too much iron in your blood indeed.

    Psyker- Psylocke. First of all she’s played by the insanely hot Olivia Munn which is a mindfuck in and of itself. Then you have to take her powers into account. She has the standard psychic platter of telepathy and telekinesis but what makes her awesome is her psychic fucking sword. Because she’s a broad who knows that the easiest way to see what is going on in someone’s head is to cut it in fucking half.

    So why would these guys be an unstoppable team? First and foremost it’s because everyone is on the same page mentally. These are not individuals who will balk at ripping someone’s fetus out of their asshole. The ends justifies the means and it usually ends with some poor, dead bastard. Second, this team possesses both clearly defined tactical roles and the capacity to improvise. If somebody takes an arrow to the knee then there is guaranteed to be at least one other person on this team capable of stepping in and kicking ass.

    If ever there was a team that was designed to slay bitches and fuck dragons, it’s this one.

  6. Tom Avatar
    Tom

    Just take my money, Jamie… so immensely pumped for this book!

    1. Jamie Chaos Avatar
      Jamie Chaos

      Hahaha. Thanks man! This is the best training book, bar none, that has been released in a decade. This is a book on par with Marty Gallagher’s Purposeful Primitive, and (dare I say it) Arnold’s New Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding.

  7. T N Avatar
    T N

    Just bought the book and will read on my flight. Thanks for this! Been looking forward to this for a while.

    1. Dave Avatar
      Dave

      How did you buy the book? Just checked amazon, but wasn’t able to find it.

      1. Jamie Chaos Avatar
        Jamie Chaos

        I’m interested in how he bought a book that was incomplete, haha. And not for sale.

        1. T N Avatar
          T N

          Destroy The Opposition, $9.99 ebook on Kindle.
          Unless you have published books prior to the one you’re currently working on, and I bought one of those

          1. Dave Avatar
            Dave

            Lol, ah, he bought one of your older books… Makes sense now…

  8. Kane Avatar
    Kane

    A Leader – Banshee: He had a good run leading / mentoring Generation-X, got shafted in the First Class movie and deserves a spot as an actual leader on a “major” team. He’d conform to some horrific Irish stereotypes in this team and be a
    raging alcoholic with a love of fighting. Ultimately though he’d need to balance these demons with actually leading this rag-tag bunch. Bonus points – his power is actually metal as FUCK! Imagine him belting out some Dio, Priest or King Diamond with his scream launching into some sentinels!

    A Heavy – Colossus: Always been one of my absolute favourites. None of that avatar of Cyttorakk junk either, just classic pure brutal Russian metallic strength Colossus!

    A Berserker – Sabretooth (specifically Age of Apocalypse version, w/Wildchild): Obviously, wanted Wolvie BUT having him on the team affects other choices so I can do without him, providing I get Sabretooth AoA version with Wildchild. All the razor sharp visceral unfiltered brutality of his fellow Canadian savage but with a smaller, even more insane bloodthirsty feral version of himself that he keeps on a leash – for when shit really goes down!

    A Phase Shifter/Teleporter or a High Flier –Jamie Madrox aka Multiple Man: Legitimately bonkers power, useful for crowd control during big sprawling battles, as well as sending out dupes for recon and canon fodder type missions. Plus, if an orgy DID happen – there would be no more a perverted twist than this guy, who you’d have to re-title as Jamie MadCOCKS!

    A Psyker– Psylocke: Telepath who’s also a badass ninja?! Definitely makes my team, she’s like Elektra on mutant steroids. One of the best 90s inappropriate-for-saving-the-world type costumes ever and always looks on point with art by the master Jim Lee.

    Wild cards- Spiral : I don’t know much about her, other than she comes from Mojo world, looks cool as hell and has six arms giving me that freaky Sheeva from Mortal Kombat vibe. Did a quick Google on her powers – holy shit, she is one of the few with the mystic potential to be Sorcerer Supreme! Also a ninja.

    Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Her movie version, basically Cannonballs power set. She was awesome in the first Deadpool plus extra metal credit for her being named after a song by Monster Magnet. She balances out the plucky young go-getter spot I gave to Madrox, except in an ironic misanthropic teen goth way.

    That rounds my Ultimate-X to a total of 8, Sabretooth and Wildchild count as individual picks. If I had to name this team…I’d call them X-Traction this is the team you assemble when Blue, Gold, Red and the rest all need saving, or it’s too dangerous to send the main squad and X-Force is busy.

    Can’t wait to see who’s on your team – see ya in the Danger Room, bub!

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