Anyone else sick of eating the same goddamn things over and over again?  After eating nothing but beef ribs, taco meat, Salisbury steak, and chicken wings for three years, I sure as hell am.  Having run out of acceptable dry rubs, and after literally shitting myself a couple of times because some mysterious additive to dry rubs apparently causes fecal incontinence if eaten in large amounts, I decided to branch out.

It occurred to me halfway through writing this that:

1. it’s amazing I don’t have pussy falling out of my pockets, and
2. a lot of you have the opportunity here to impress the living shit out of whomever you’re trying to fuck and close ass like you’re Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross.  You’re welcome.

While I realize pants-shitting would probably have ended most peoples’ experiments into the Apex Predator Diet, I was rather unperturbed.  I did, however, come to the realization that without Animal Pak, I’d be missing out on a whole lot of nutrition, that I was often starving due to the moderate fat and low carbs I’d end up accidentally eating out of habit, and my taste buds are frankly exhausted by eating the same flavors day in and day out.  This became even more apparent when I discovered that paleolithic people ate upwards of 300 different foods a week, which lay in stark contrast to my own extraordinarily unvaried diet- how could I be Captain Caveman strong if I was eating with all of the culinary ingenuity of a seventeen year old?  Then, it dawned upon me that viewing my carb up day as the only day on which I really ate was telling me something, and lunch on those days could actually provide me with a clue as to how I could actually make the Apex Predator Diet livable again.

I’m not sure I have ever missed a woman as much as I miss dürüm döner.

Since leaving Europe, I’ve pined daily for shawarma and döner, both of which are ubiquitous street foods in Europe, but difficult to find, as is street food in general, in the states.  When you can find it, it is usually boasts one or more of the following features:

1. It’s hideously expensive.  In Vienna, one of the most expensive cities on earth, a half kilo turkey döner was 2 or 3 Euros.  Here, it’s at least $7.  Same goes for shawarma.
2. It sucks.  I actually berated some asshole for serving me the worst shawarma I’ve had in my life last Friday, and made him throw it away after a single bite.  Fucking yogurt in my zhug?  Not on your life.  That’s disgusting.
3. It’s not keto.  If I were running shit, there would be yakitori or satay for sale on every fucking street corner in America, but apparently eating chargrilled meat on a stick sits poorly with skinny jean-clad, coiffed, plucked eyebrow-boasting, reality television-loving American males.  Thus, it’s sandwiches or nothing on the street.

Tragically, this street food seems not to be within the purview of people who eat deep-fried Twinkies on the regular, so I might have to one day chance the street food of Uganda for some meat-on-a-stick.

With that in mind, I resolved to incorporate my favorite flavors into my diet before I abandoned the fucking thing altogether.  The result was fucking awesome.  In the first iteration of this series, I’ve tried chimichurri, an Argentine parsley and garlic condiment and marinade; pebre, a Chilean condiment similar to chimichurri but with more of a pico de gallo edge; zhug, a Yemenite hot sauce used all over Asia Minor; tahini sauce, another Asia Minor specialty; and a red pepper paste I designed with the help of a former colleague who hailed from a family of second generation Szechwan immigrants (and they know how to bring the heat).

Some constants you will likely notice in these condiments is that they’re

1. overwhelmingly garlicky
2. keto as shit
3. paleo as hell (olive consumption and use dates back to 17,000 BC, and wild garlic is still used in cooking)
4. oil-based
5. usually spicy as all hell (with the exception of chimichurri, though I even heat that up)

You’ll notice these recipes are bereft of the standbys you generally see associated with ketogenic dieting- notably mayonnaise and butter.  The former might be the most disgusting thing humans have ever consumed as “food”, and the latter is boring and not nearly as healthy as olive oil.  Additionally, butter-based sauces congeal, which doesn’t leave you with a large window for use.  Dieters seem to eat one of two kinds of food- boring or fucking vile.

Fuck all of that- we’re Plague of Strength, and we intend to bring it, which is why the following seasoning recipes are all my own and not reproductions of other peoples’.

There is method to my madness, obviously.  Garlic is damn near regarded as magical by anyone who knows anything about the stuff, and has been throughout recorded human history.  It’s got anti-cancer, anti-arthritis, anti-illness (reduced duration and frequency of the common cold), antibiotic, heart healthy, liver protective, blood pressure moderating properties, and it tastes fucking amazing (Garlic).  On top of that, they’re all jam-fucking packed with inflammation-fighting, heart healthy, carbohydrate fucking, blood pressure lowering, shitting on depression, bone health and digestion-improving, liver detoxifying olive oil (Wilson, MNT).  Not superfood enough for you?   How about the effect of capsaicin (the shit that makes peppers spicy) on the body?  It treats allergies like Porches treat Paul Walker, fat like Stalin treated the Ukrainians, and delivers mild pain relief, not unlike ice cream apparently does for people who have vaginas instead of penises.

Zhug, Tahini Sauce, and Shawarma

I fell in love with chicken shawarma, an Israeli spit-roasted loaf of seasonings and pressed chicken parts, while I was in Vienna.  Since I left, I’ve not found its like in the US, though I will occasionally find something similar.  Even better than the meat itself is the hot sauce that comes with Yemeni, Israeli, and other Mediterranean foods, called zhug.  Zhug is, without question, the best tasting hot sauce I’ve ever had, sriracha included, and comes in two mouth watering variants, the mild red, Vampire-slaughteringly garlicky kind, and the asshole inflaming, tear-jerking, slobberingly delicious, super-hot green version.  Either one is incredibly tasty and one of the single greatest things you will ever taste, not matter what the fuck you put it on.  If you’re the type who likes blue cheese with your ghost chili-infused wings, you might like the Israeli equivalent for shawarma- tahini sauce.  The best part about all of them? Close enough to zero carb that it’s not worth posting the nutrition info.

Tahini Sauce

I can’t say I am a fan of tahini sauce or its disgusting Greek cousin, tzatziki (which you can also use), but it’s a standard thin topping used in pita/flatbread sandwiches, marinades, and dips.  You guys might like it, and it’s damn good for you, so I figured I’d give you the lowdown.

Ingredients:
1/2 cup tahini (sesame seed paste)
3 gloves garlic, crushed
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 teaspoon parsley, finely chopped (optional)

Preparation:
Step 1.  Using a blender or food processor, combine garlic, tahini and salt.
Step 2.  Dump the mixture into a bowl and add olive oil and lemon juice. If it’s too thick (it should be kind of thin and runny), add teaspoon of warm water or lemon juice until desired consistency, then mix in parsley.
Step 3.  Serve immediately or refrigerate.

Chicken Shawarma

For those of you who have never had the pants-droppingly, public masturbatingly, mouth-wateringly awesomeness that is shawarma or döner, you might think that this recipe is a little overly laborious.  trust me when I say that it’s not- there’s really no way to get the meat flavored and juicy enough without the pan-fry finish employed in this recipe unless you have a vertical rotisserie (in which case fuck you, you lucky bastard).  I’ve been experimenting with the amount of juice/oil in the finishing process and have yet to decide upon a favorite yet, but I’ve done everything from simmer to sear the chicken and have loved it all.  Play with the amount and type of liquid in the pan when you finish this to determine what you like best.


Ingredients:
2 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts (2 large breasts)
2 lb boneless skinless chicken thighs (4 large thighs)
12 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 tbsp raz el hanout (Moroccan spice blend you can actually use all by itself if you want) or garam masala (Indian seasoning that is almost identical)
2 tbsp shawarma seasoning (again, if you find a good one, you can just cheat and use this if you want) plus the following, or double the following if no shwarama seasoning:

2 tsp cumin
2 tsp paprika
1 tsp allspice
3/4 tsp turmeric
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp cinnamon
Liberal dusting of cayenne
Salt and black pepper

Preparation:
Step 1.  Trim the excess fat off all of the chicken parts and butterfly them
Step 2.  Pound the everloving shit out of the chicken parts.  Since you’re not going to be slow roasting it on a spit, it needs extra tenderizing.
Step 3.  Cut chicken parts into four or five pieces each.
Step 4.  Put in a couple of large ziplock bags or a big marinading bowl (covered with saran wrap).
Step 5.  Allow the meat to marinade for at least two hours, though I prefer to marinade stuff overnight.  I turn the meat periodically to ensure complete coverage in the marinade.
Step 6.  Preheat oven to 400.  Roast chicken 15 minutes, turning once at about 7 or 8 minutes.
Step 7.  After the meat cools slightly, chop it into small pieces.
Step 8.  Pour all of the juice from the pan into a large skillet.  Add a splash of olive oil and a splash of lemon juice. Saute chicken on medium for 3-4 minutes, or until the smallest pieces turn brown and crisp.

Typically, this is served in a pita or flatbread with the addition of salad, whatever sauces you like, and pickles.  For ketogenic purposes, I just combine the chicken with both flavors of zhug and chow the fuck down.  On carb days, warm up the flatbread or pita and stuff that bitch full of meaty goodness and hot sauce for a nomzy as fuck sandwich.

My personal favorite, if you’re feeling super enthusiastic, for flatbread is the Indian flatbread chapati.  I discovered this stuff from one of my exes, and it’s fucking amazing.  I honestly don’t recall the exact recipe, and as I doubt she’d be willing to provide it, here’s a chepati recipe that’s similar.  Chapatis are easy as hell to make, fucking delicious, and actually a pretty badass snack if you just feel like eating some slightly salty carbs (it’s also amazing with zhug spread on it, fyi).

Chapati

These things, as I said, are fucking awesome, and in spite of what appears to be a lengthy process, it doesn’t take more than 15 minutes to make a batch of these bad boys, from opening the cupboard for the flour to eating.  I learned it from an Indian girl I used to date who used her family’s methods, so I have no idea how these compare to published recipes.  I am certain you will not be laughed out of Mumbai for serving these to your Indian friends, however.

Ingredients:
2 cups white or whole wheat flour (or one of each if you have both)
3/4 cup water or milk
1 tsp salt (I usually taste the dough to see if it needs more)
2 tbsps olive oil

Preparation:
Step 1.  Stir together the whole wheat flour, all-purpose flour and salt in a big bowl.
Step 2.  Use a wooden spoon to stir in the olive oil and enough water to make a soft dough that is elastic but not sticky.  Try not to eat too much of it (always a problem for me for some reason- I love uncooked dough).
Step 3.  Flour whatever surface on which you plan on kneading this (if you guys have never baked, just use a clean countertop, dust it with flour, and get your hands floury.  Then, knead the dough on that surface.  I knead the fuck out of the dough so I get soft chapatis, as they’re easier to roll into a “burrito”.  If you don’t spend much time kneading, you may end up with stiffer chapatis, which isn’t a big issue, but they might slit and dump your food in your lap.
Step 4.  Divide into 6-10 parts, depending on the size of your pan and desired chapati size.  Roll them into balls and let them rest for 5-10 minutes while you get in a round of Call of Duty or a blowjob for being the cooking virtuoso your girl never thought you could be.
Step 5.  Heat a skillet over medium heat until hot, and pop a little olive oil into it to keep the chapati from sticking.
Step 6.  On the same lightly floured surface, use a floured rolling pin to roll out the balls of dough until very thin like a tortilla.
Step 7.  As soon as the pan starts smoking, put a chapati on it. Cook until the underside has brown spots, about 30 seconds, then flip and cook on the other side. Easy peasy Japanesy.

Green chimichurri, pebre, and red chimichurri

Chimichurri and Pebre

Two weeks ago Amazon made more episodes of Anthony Bourdain’s awesome show No Reservations available on Prime, and I happily sat down to watch an episode last Thursday while drinking a protein shake so I could fantasize about eating like a human being.  About halfway through the Rio episode I made two key decisions: 1) I am moving to Rio as soon as humanly possible, because booty and meat, and 2) Argentine steak sandwiches make everything I have ever eaten seem like dogshit in comparison.

I am not a sauce guy, but I somehow knew I would love the shit out of chimichurri, and so when I popped in to Pittsburgh’s renown Gaucho for a steak sandwich, I was still surprised by my love for the green, oily deliciousness of chimichurri, but I didn’t die of shock.  Thereafter, I immediately went home and set to determining how chimichurri is made, because if I know one thing, it’s that it would taste like Brazilian booties look on just about anything I decided to top with it.  Pretty much any meat is fair game, and I’ve used chimichurri on ribs, steak, and chicken to good effect.

Green Chimichurri

Green chimichurri is the condiment and marinade typically used, though like zhug, each color provides it’s own unique flavor.  Thus, you might as well make both, because they’re both fucking amazing and you’ll just sit wondering why you didn’t if you make one and not the other.

Ingredients:
1 bunch flat leaf parsley
10 cloves garlic, chopped super finely
1/2-3/4 cup extra virgin olive oil (I use a half cup because I prefer my chimichurri thicker.  Try both.)
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
Juice from half a lemon
1/2 cup fresh mint leaves
1/2 cup fresh oregano leaves
1/4-2 tsp red pepper flakes (I prefer everything spicy, but the red pepper is completely optional)
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt

Preparation:
Step 1.  Pulse parsley in processor to chop.
Step 2.  Add remaining ingredients and blend.  You can pulse it as much or as little as you like to achieve your desired consistency though- they key here isn’t so much to make it 100% authentic as it is to make it perfect for you.
Step 3.  Separate sauce into equal parts.
Step 4.  Use half for basting or marinade.
Step 5.  Use other half as a condiment at the table.

Red Chimichurri

I’ve not yet tried this one, but it’s on the schedule for this weekend.  I took Bobby Flay’s recipe and modified it slightly to match what I learned making the other sauces.  This does not typically get used as a marinade, it seems, but I think it’d likely be a pretty badass marinade for roasted chicken, and it’s supposed to be an incredible condiment on chorizo.

Ingredients:
1 cup finely chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh oregano
1 tablespoon pureed chipotle in adobo
1 tablespoon smoked paprika
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
Flat-leaf parsley leaves, for garnish

Preparation:
Same as above.

Pebre

Pebre’s what you would get if chimichurri and salsa flew off on a weekend getaway to the Virgin Islands and fucked like drug-crazed bunnies for the weekend.  It has the onions and spice of the salsa with the delicious, savory smoothness of the chimichurri.  Whereas chimichurri is Argentine, pebre is chimichurri’s Chilean cousin.  As I stated above, I despise chunky salsa, so I actually just roughly chop everything and pop it in the blender to give it a consistency like chimichurri.  As to the red chili sauce or paste, the authentic version uses a pepper that’s difficult to obtain in the US- the aji amarillo.  About twice as hot as serranno peppers, for reference’s sake, they’re supposed to be badass if you feel like ordering them on Amazon.  Given that they’re lightly smoky and roughly the same on the Scoville scale as chipotle peppers, you might want to go with chipotle peppers for this recipe.  I was a bit lazy on this recipe and went with sriracha, but intend to make another batch with my own chili paste (recipe’s below).

Ingredients:
6 scallions, finely chopped
1 large tomato, finely chopped
1 small bunch cilantro, stems finely chopped
3 to 4 large garlic cloves, minced
3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
1 1/2 tablespoons spicy red chili sauce, like sriracha
1/2 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 tablespoon crushed red chili pepper flakes
1/2 teaspoon fine grain sea salt
plus additional to taste water or lemon juice

Preparation:
Step 1.  Mix everything, except the water, together in a medium sized bowl.
Step 2.  Add enough cold water to barely cover the contents of bowl.
Step 3.  Mix everything together, cover, and place in the refrigerator for a few hours to let all of the flavors blend.  It’s best eaten the day it is made, but if you keep it in a sealed container it’s good for a 3-5 days, like chimichurri and zhug.

Bone In Ribeye with Chimichurri

Argentines cook everything over a smoky wood fire, so it’s pretty difficult to replicate their techniques without an awesome grill.  I simply use a grill plate from Ikea on the stove, which produces adequate, if not good, results.  Putting aside the method of cooking, which you can look up if you’re some kind of grill master and aren’t currently snowed inside, here’s a good way to prepare and season your steak.  The corn starch and salt mixture, followed by the par-freezing will get your meat to brown nicely and quickly on the outside, which means your steaks will be super juicy when they come off the grill.

This prep method works fucking wonders for steak sandwiches as well, if you happen to be eating carbs.  Just slice the steak against the grain, top with chimichurri, onions, and tomatoes, and pop that shit onto a crusty baguette and you’re in business.

Ingredients:
1 tablespoon cornstarch
2 tablespoons kosher salt
4 boneless strip steaks, 1 1/2 inches thick (about 1 pound each)
Ground black pepper

Preparation:
Step 1.  Combine cornstarch and salt in small bowl.
Step 2.  Pat steaks dry with paper towels, then rub steaks in their entirety with corn starch/salt mixture.  Pop those bad boys onto wire racks and toss the whole shitteree, uncovered, in freezer for about 30 minutes.
Step 3.  Remove steaks from freezer and season with pepper.
Step 4.  Grill those bad boys  If you don’t know how to grill shit, look it up. This isn’t cooking kindergarten.
Step 5.  After you let the meat rest, top with as much chimichurri as you want.

We’re not done, not by a long shot.  I intend to whip up my own chili paste using Tien Tsin chilies this weekend, and try out a few new things, including a paleo meat paste used in lahmacun, which is sort of like a Turkish pizza, in addition to a couple of different Chinese and Japanese meatball recipes, and Chilean roast chicken.  Not to worry- you fuckers won’t starve to death on my watch.

Jump to Part 2

Sources:
Hirst, K. Kris.  Olive history.  About.com.  Web.  23 Jan 2014.  http://archaeology.about.com/od/oterms/qt/Olive-History.htm

Levine, Beth.  Health benefits of Capsaicin.  best of New Orleans.  4 Jun 2013.  Web.  23 Jan 2014.  http://www.bestofneworleans.com/gambit/hot-shots/Content?oid=2208277

MNT.  What are the benefits of garlic?  Medical News Today.  9 Sep 2013.  Web.  23 Jan 2014.  http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/265853.php

MNT.  What are the health benefits of olive oil? Medical News Today.  20 Sep 2013.  Web.  22 Jan 2014.  http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/266258.php

Wilson, Jacque.  5 things you may not know about olive oil.  CNN.  26 Feb 2013.  Web.  22 Jan 2014.  http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/26/health/five-things-olive-oil/