I never fail to be astonished by the bland bullshit that people will force themselves to eat while dieting, as if eating food that tastes like wallpaper paste is some sort of penance for allowing yourself to get fat in the offseason.  Bodybuilders are the worst of the offenders on this, and the bodybuilders of the 1980s took their flavorlessness in contest preparation so seriously that guys would diet on unseasoned chicken breasts for 16 weeks.  I cannot imagine what manner of negative metabolic trickery they think is at play when they add cumin and coriander to their food, but then again, I highly doubt any of them ever really thought that shit through- evil, fat-assed, level 75 Draenei Shaman don’t live inside cumin molecules, ever vigilant for the unwary dieter who dusts his or her meat with that delicious spice.  If anything, there are tiny, shredded Forsaken Death Knights inhabiting the various spices ready to hack any adipose tissue to fucking bits while gently masturbating any inflamed tissue with all of the dexterity of a Russian mail order bride.

Just as science has supported my assertion that eating meat off the bone increases your primal instincts and aggression (Wansink), so does it support my inclusion of spices into everything I eat.  Cumin and black pepper, for instance, inhibit carcinogenesis (Nalini), and cumin on its own improves memory, metabolism, blood sugar, reduces inflammation, and lowers stress (Mercola).  Other spices I regularly use (and employ in the following recipes) have the following badass properties, in addition to making your food taste like it’s fit for human consumption:

• garlic “exhibits hypolipidemic, antiplatelet, and procirculatory effects,” “prevents cold and flu symptoms through immune enhancement,” “demonstrates anticancer and chemopreventive activities,” and “aged garlic extract possesses hepatoprotective, neuroprotective, antioxidative activities” (Amagase)
• cinnamon lowers blood sugar (Mercola)
• cardamon reduces inflammation (Majdalawieh)
• allspice has antibacterial properties (Du)
• coriander has axiolytic and antidepressant effects (Cioanca)
• nutmeg has psychoactive effects (Carstairs) and pain reduction /anti-neuropathy properties (Motilal)
• turmeric is so good for you it almost seems impossible people don’t put it on everything.  It’s nutrient-rich, anti-cancer, anti-inflammatory, anti-leukemia, anti-cystic fibrosis, improves liver function, heart health, protects against neurodegeneration, and anti-Alzheimers (Turmeric)
• capsaicin, the shit that makes peppers spicy, improves mood, reduces pain, reduces inflammation, reduces itching, and has cancer-fighting properties (Carollo)
• cloves have anti-inflammatory and anti-cancer properties (Khuda-Bukhsh)

Many of the aforementioned spices are in the seasonings I use on meats, as I did in the schwarma recipe I posted in the last installment of this series.  Typically, I will either use the spice mixture I listed for schwarama, use a mix of Bad Byron’s Butt Rub, cumin, garlic, coriander, and chipotle or ancho chili pepper on beef or pork ribs, or make steak seasoned with either Adobo with Pepper, Badia Complete Seasoning, or SambaFlavor Chimichurri seasoning.  Then, I either use one of the sauces I posted earlier or one of the following as a finisher.  You can see, then, why I view with horror anyone who simply diets on food that involve Mrs. Dash or taste of cardboard, failure, and laziness.

The Official Chaos and Pain Blowtorch To The Asshole Chili Paste
Prior to the 1970s, Chinese food in the United States typically took the hardcore, spicy form of Sichuan cuisine, rather than the more bland offerings of China’s norther regions.  As America lost its balls, so too it lost its taste for spicy food, and interest in Sichuanese food waned in deference to the milder Mandarin fare.  As we have discussed at some length, however, only bland people like bland food, and if you’re not a baby, elderly, suffering from one of the many pants-shitting disease that seem to plague women constantly, or the type of omega bitch that looks longingly at betas as aspirational men, you like your food as spicy as you can make it.  It’s for this reason I tried my hand at Sichuan Chili Oil, which tastes fucking awesome on just about anything, and makes any noodle dish probably the greatest food you’ve ever eaten.  This being all about keto condiments, however, this sauce is badass on just about anything, and went quite well with the meatball recipe that follows.

Ingredients
10 Tien tsin dried chilis
2 tbsp garlic paste
1-2 tbsp broad bean paste
1 1/2-2 tbsp rice vinegar
2 tbsp vegetable oil or olive oil

Preparation

Chinese Chicken Meatballs

I love the shit out of meatballs, and am constantly tinkering with recipes for meatballs to see what I can pull off.  For those of you who don’t know, I was an East Asian Studies/History double major in my undergrad, and spent a couple of months in China in 1998.  During that time, I developed a pretty staunch appreciation for authentic Chinese cuisine, and while I wouldn’t consider myself an expert on it by any means, I think I managed to keep the cultural integrity of their meatballs while adapting it for a keto diet, as the Chinese seem to love to throw sugar into everything.  The sauce I’ve added here is more of a sweet/savory flavor, and is really fucking tasty when accompanied by the chili oil I made above.

Ingredients
Dipping Sauce
1 teaspoon  coriander
1 spring onions, chopped fine
5 garlic cloves, chopped fine
1 tablespoon sriracha
2 tablespoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 teaspoon sesame oil
2 packets of Splenda

Meatballs
1 lb ground chicken
3 tablespoons Thai fish sauce
4 spring onions, chopped fine
3 garlic cloves,
2 teaspoons pureed lemongrass,
1 teaspoon corn starch
1 tablespoon chopped fresh mint
2 tablespoons coriander
Salt and black pepper to taste
1 egg
1 tablespoon oil (in the pan, not in the mix)

Preparation
It really couldn’t be easier to make meatballs, so it seems silly to drag this out by going into great detail.  Combine the ingredients for the sauce and stir the shit out of it.  Then, combine the ingredients for the meatballs and knead the fuck out of the meat until everything is evenly mixed/distributed.  Then, pour a tablespoon of oil into a pan, preheating the oil at medium-high, and pan fry the meatballs until they’re cooked through, flipping reasonably frequently to prevent them from burning.

Harissa Sauce

As much as I love zhug, I decided to try a similar sauce with a different recipe to see how it would turn out, and I was in no way disappointed- this is some of the best sauce I’ve ever had in my life, bar none.  Harissa is a Tunisian sauce used to top meat, fish stew, or couscous, and they even eat it with their breakfast.  I made it with the intention of using it as a dip for Turkish pizza, lahmacun, and subsequently decided it’d work fucking amazingly on just about anything.  This shit is basically the Batman of condiments- you can use it to beat the shit out of just about anything and it will toe the line thereafter, be it an old rubber inner tube or chicken wings.  Though I’ve not made harissa chicken wings, I intend to, using this recipe– feel free to get the jump on me and let me know what you think.

Ingredients
10-12 dried red chili peppers (I used an equal number of Chile de Arbol and New Mexico Hot Chilis)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground caraway seeds
1/2 teaspoon cumin

Preparation

1. Soak the dried chilies in hot water for 30 minutes. Drain. Remove stems and seeds.
2. In a food processor combine chili peppers, garlic, salt, and olive oil. Blend.
3. Add remaining spices and blend to form a smooth paste.
4. Store in airtight container. Drizzle a small amount of olive oil on top to keep fresh. Will keep for a month in the refrigerator.

I mixed this stuff into shawarma meat and loved it more than I could possibly love a dead baby stuffed with thousand dollar bills.

Kofta Kebabs

Kofta are ubiquitous in every pissed-off backwater in the Middle East and South Asia and seem to be the staple food of any group of people who ever wanted to start some shit for no reason.  Like all meat on a stick, it’s serious ass-kicking food- any food that leaves you with a sharpened stick you can drive through the eye of the guy standing next to you just because it’s Tuesday has to be.  Whichever angry swarthy person is making it, be they Iranian, Middle Eastern, Indian, or Balkan, the word means the same thing- meatball or meatloaf.  Though each people of the region has their own take, they’re all similar- balls of ground meat mixed with spices and/or onions. According to Wikipedia, koftas are usually made of lamb, beef, mutton or chicken, in India, Turkey and Iran, whereas Greeks and Cypriots make them with beef, veal, or pork.  Since my only exposure to them in the real world was of the Turkish variety, I decided to go with those.

Ingredients
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 pound ground lamb, beef, or mix thereof
3 tablespoons grated onion
3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
4 sprigs mint
1 tablespoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
28 bamboo skewers, soaked in water for 30 minutes

Directions

1. Mash the garlic into a paste with the salt using a mortar and pestle, the flat side of a chef’s knife on your cutting board, or a food processor.
2. In a mixing bowl, mix the garlic into the meat with the onion, parsley, coriander, cumin, cinnamon, allspice, cayenne pepper, ginger, and pepper in a mixing bowl.
3. With that mass of meat, make 28 balls formed around the skewers, and flattening into a thin, 2 inch wide oval.
4. Place the kebabs onto a baking sheet, cover, and refrigerate at least 30 minutes.
5. Preheat an outdoor grill for medium heat, and lightly oil grate.  I used an indoor grill plate from Ikea, which worked well- the grill isn’t strictly necessary.  You can also cook them in the oven, apparently- preheat the oven to about 400 degrees Fahrenheit and cook them on aluminum foil.
6. Cook the skewers on the preheated grill, turning occasionally, until the meat has cooked to your satisfaction.

These things go amazingly with the harissa sauce, and I highly recommend you try them with it.  Zhug would also work, as would Tzatziki or Tzatziki mixed with Harissa.

Mojo de Ajo

Mojo de Ajo is essentially garlic gravy, or if one cares to quibble like they’re on the losing end of a futile and ultimately retarded argument on an internet message board, a garlic-and-pepper infused olive oil, and one which can be used to top just about anything.  Personally, I use it in conjunction with chimmichurri on steak sandwiches to add heat, but it’s great on steak, chicken, and probably vegetables if you’re the type of person who goes in for that sort of nonsense.  This stuff is found in virtually every cuisine south of the Texan border, and it deserves wider recognition than that, because it tastes like what you’d expect an Italian porn star’s vagina to taste like- garlicky heaven.

Ingredients
1 can chipotle chili peppers
1 1/2 cups extra-virgin olive oil
1 1/2 cups chopped garlic
1/2 cup lime or lemon juice
1 teaspoon salt

Preparation
Though the original recipe for this suggested there was no need to waste time chopping the garlic and just suggested mashing it after cooking it, I enjoy dicing garlic and prefer it diced to mashed.  You can really go with either method- leave them whole or dice them, then a Pyrex baking dish with the salt and oil. Cook this in the oven at 325 degrees for about an hour, then add the lemon/lime juice, and put it back in the oven for another 25 mins or until golden brown.

CNP Keto Cheesecake

If there’s anything better to eat than cheesecake, I am unaware of its existence.  Not only is it keto, it’s jammed with the kind of calories that make your dick stand on end and declare to the world that your inner Viking is prepared to storm a beach, burn a village, and abscond with some women.  This cheesecake comes out at about 72g of carbs for this recipe, in total, so provided you can restrain yourself somewhat, you can slam back some creamy deliciousness nightly with naught but anabolism as a result, even while keto dieting like a lunatic.  I’ll caution you guys that as a single male, I don’t own a springform pan, and that buying one would make this recipe all that much better, as the cheesecake was a little thin and dry in two separate pie tins.  Nevertheless, thin and dry cheesecake is still a hell of a lot better than no cheesecake at all, and you can always make some sugar free whipped cream or snag some Walden Farms Chocolate Syrup as a topping if you have to go the single-man-with-no-springform-pans route.

Ingredients
4 bricks of cream cheese
4 eggs
2 tablespoons of Half and Half
1/2 tsp lemon juice
1tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup Splenda
Nonstick spray or butter

Preparation

1. Ensure everything is room temperature, including eggs.  Let sit on counter.
2. Blend cream cheese until smooth.
3. Beat in Splenda a tablespoon at a time.
4. Beat in eggs one at a time, scraping down the bowl after each egg.
5. Stir Half and Half
6. Stir in vanilla extract and lemon juice
7. Beat in sour cream slowly
8. Scrape the sides and fold in
9. Place in large springform pan or 2 9″ pie plates rubbed down very liberally with butter or sprayed with nonstick spray
10. Boil water and put cheesecake in a 9×13 Pyrex dish, fill dish to 1/4″ and bake in the water bath at 350 degrees for an hour.
11. Don’t open oven while baking.  Should be slightly brown on top.
12. After an hour, do toothpick insert.
13. Cool on counter for an hour, then refrigerate.

And there you have it- more awesomeness to drag you away from whatever godawful diet drudgery to which you might have consigned yourself, because life’s too short to eat dry-as-fuck chicken breasts.

Speaking of breasts…

MOAR CHEESECAKE.

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