Chaos and Pain Reads Shit So You Don’t Have To: May 2014

Sorostitutes Might Be Badass at the Overhead Press
If there’s one thing at which sorostitutes are better at than making cunty faces accompanied by a noise reminiscent of a cat hacking up its own insulation comprised of allergens, it’s vomiting (Shulken).  While I’m sure that seems like a rather insignificant point to make, frequent vomiting strengthens one’s deep abdominals.  The deep abdominals play a massive role in heavy weight lifting and particularly in stabilization while putting weight overhead, and are thus an important bodypart most people neglect to even acknowledge.  Given their propensity for refunding every meal into the toilet shortly after leaving the dinner table, it would stand to reason that if one could properly motivate a herd/flock/murder of sorostitutes, perhaps with cocaine, shiny objects, or the prospect of a sexless marriage to rich men, one might be able to train them and field an incredibly talented team of lightweight Olympic lifters.

As we all know those broads fear work like most people fear hemorrhagic fevers, we will never know if my hypothesis is correct.  What we have determined, though, is that mimicking the abdominal motion of vomiting can strengthen your transverse abdominis and pelvic floor and thus have a massive positive impact on your lifts.  The recently invented Lewit exercise, described by Dr. Stuart McGill as “the best replication of the vomiting mechanism” activates your deep abdominals far better than traditional methods of abdominal training, and will do far more to prevent lower back injury and pain(Badiuk).

Want to know how to faux vomit your way to a sick squat/overhead press/stone load?
I thought you’d never ask.  To get your sorostitute on while preserving your gainz:

1. Lie on your back with your arms at your sides.
2. Bend your hips and knees to a 90-degree angle like you’re going to do crunches circa 1995, but with an arched back. 
3. Take three normal breaths. Exhale normally on your third breath, then purse your lips and push any remaining air out of your lungs. 
4. Reset by rocking your pelvis back and forth to get your arch back and repeat (Haley).

Cardio Preserves Gainz?
In what can only be described as science’s answer to opposite day, a recent study that was definitely not conducted or published on April 1st showed just that- doing aerobics in addition to weight training preserves muscle mass during reduced calorie dieting and fat loss (Yoshimura).  Although that clearly seems like some sort of bizarre vegan, bicycle riding, Soylent-swilling propaganda, the data seems fairly compelling.  When 75 males and females were randomly assigned to the groups ‘diet only’ or ‘diet plus aerobic exercise’ and given a diet that could be considered a near starvation diet for most of us (25 kcal/kg of ideal body weight), the diet only group suffered what can only be described as catastrophic muscle loss, while the cardio bunnies did not.

Back Away From The Animal Pak, Bro Beans
In another shocking turn of events, something that most of us have adopted as a staple of our supplementation regimen has apparently been keeping us from hitting our PRs- a recent study has shown that excessive consumption of antioxidants interferes with training gains.  In a world where science can’t take a shit without returning screaming about how eggs have either been definitively proven to be the devil or the savior of mankind, it should come as no surprise that science is now saying that they’ve taken time out of weaponizing an airborn autism virus and firing it at Jenny McCarthy’s house, it shouldn’t shock anyone that a scientist now seems to be waiting to pop out of your fridge and slap you in the mouth as you dry to down an Animal Pak.

Nevertheless, it seems rather shocking that they’ve shown that athletes should not overconsume antioxidants like Vitamin C because they reduce the number of free radicals in your system.  For those of you who’ve been living in a Thai whorehouse on nothing but coke and ladyboy secretions, free radicals have always been described as basically being your body’s version of the Santa Meurte death cult, wrecking havoc on your body’s systems, causing cancer, graffitiing, and playing loud music at all hours of the night.  Now, it seems, free radicals are important triggers for protein synthesis and building new mitochondria, which means they’re a lifter’s best friend (Reynolds).  I don’t know if this means you should avoid fruits and vegetables altogether, but at least now you have justification for dumping them off your plate and into the trash.

The goblin shark, evidence there is no god but Cthulu.

Things that Live in the Ocean are Disgusting and Serve No Purpose
Hippies, communists, and oily Greeks have long bandied about the idea that eating fish is somehow an acceptable option and that not only that we could eat them, but that we should.  FOR THE OMEGA THREEEEEEES, they said.  We apparently cannot live without them, and yet here I am, in stark defiance of their liberal propaganda and deliberate misinformation intended to keep me from cementing over large bodies of water to keep the horrors of the deep from making beach landings like it’s France in 1944.  Science has again come to my defense, showing recently that consuming fatty fish such as salmon had no effect on weight loss in 12 month study (Tapsell).  Thus, all of you assholes can now stop bringing your disgusting tins of olfactory rape into the office and eat beef like a normal fucking person.

Stop Avoiding the Sun, Twinkletoes.  You’re Not a Vegan Vampire.
In spite of the fact that humans have lived with the sun, and been exposed to it since the awn of our species, dermatologists, moms, and people with weak constitutions have convinced humanity at large that suntans are evil, going so far as to convince everyone that slathering themselves in toxic chemicals every time they leave the house is a good idea (Dellorto) and that the sun was a Nazi invention that illuminates the world with naught but pure evil.  In the past I’ve shown that tanning is in fact a method by which you can boost performance, and now science has alerted us to the fact that our chronic avoidance of the sun is turning us into sad fatties with no gainz, because Vitamin D deficiency linked to muscle weakness and obesity (Forney).  According to a couple of sources, 75% of Americans, 50% of Brits, and even 25% of Aussies, who basically live in a island copycat of California filled with goofy looking hopping deer, are deficient in Vitamin D (Lite, Pearce, Blair).  Stop being a fucking pussy and go get a fucking tan if you want to get jacked.

Your Organs Might be Jacked, but Your Tendons be Weak
When one asks around, the remedy du jour for muscular and tendon tears appears to be naught but “blast dat growth, bro.”  This, however, appears to be a terrifically bad idea.  According to a recent study, daily growth hormone injections had no effect on healing rotator cuff injuries, and it appears high doses of the hormone delay healing and decrease tissue strength.  While that might contradict the prevalent method for tendon and ligament repair in the zeitgeist, it’s something to bear in mind should you find yourself injured- BioSil and Serrapeptase may in fact be both a less expensive and more productive option.

It’s Not the 1950s- Eat Your Fucking Steak
In the 1950s, compulsive liar and nutritionally retarded researcher Ancel Benjamin Keys convinced the entire world, in spite of scientific evidence and common sense to the contrary.  The Seven Nations Study, conducted by Keys in an effort to cherry pick evidence to support his theory, did not randomly choose nations but rather chose those that which would provide a seeming statistical basis for his hypothesis, and then compounded it by undercounting dietary fat in places like Crete by measuring their macros during Lent, a time in which Catholic forgo meat and cheese.

In spite of the fact that it is well known that Keys raped the scientific method and abused statistical analysis like it was a teenager locked in R. Kelly’s closet, people held onto the idea that saturated fat and cholesterol were tantamount to edible cancer.  This caused the West to adopt a diet preposterously high in carbohydrates and low in saturated fats, which in turn resulted in rising rates of obesity and heart disease.

As anyone who trains likely knows, it’s no shock that science is 50 years behind reality.  This year, a meta analysis was released supporting what anyone who knows anything about how the strongest and healthiest people on the planet already knew- saturated fats do not increase heart disease risk.  The meta analysis of 76 studies involving 700k people showed no increased risk from saturated fat consumption, but did show that high intake of trans fats increases risk by 16%. (Chowdhury)  So, eat your fucking steak- it won’t kill you.

Don’t Bogart the Tribulus, Bro

Sources:
Badiuk BW, Andersen JT, McGill SM.  Exercises to activate the deeper abdominal wall muscles: the Lewit: a preliminary study.  J Strength Cond Res. 2014 Mar;28(3):856-60.

Baumgarten KM, Oliver HA, Foley J, Chen DG, Autenried P, Duan S, Heiser P.  Human growth hormone may be detrimental when used to accelerate recovery from acute tendon-bone interface injuries.  J Bone Joint Surg Am. 2013 May 1;95(9):783-9.

Haley, Andy.  How to Perform ‘The Lewit,’ The Best Core Exercise You’ve Never Heard Of.  Stack.  3 Apr 2014.  Web.  5 May 2014.  http://www.stack.com/2014/04/03/lewit-exercise/

Hoffman JR, Kraemer WJ, Fry AC, Deschenes M, Kemp M.  The effect of self-selection for frequency of training in a winter conditioning program for football. J Appl Sport Sci Res. 1990 Aug; 3:76-82.

Lite, Jordan.  Vitamin D deficiency soars in the U.S., study says.  Scientific American.  23 Mar 2009.  Web.  7 May 2014.  http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/vitamin-d-deficiency-united-states/

Pearce SH, Cheetham TD. Diagnosis and management of vitamin D deficiency.  BMJ. 2010 Jan 11;340:b5664.

Proceedings of the 16th Annual Congress of the European Society for Sexual Medicine and the 12th Congress of the European Sexology Federation, Istanbul, Turkey, January 29–February 1, 2014.  J Sex Med. 2014 Mar; 11(S1):1-108.

Reynolds, Gretchen.  Why vitamins may be bad for your workout.  New York Times.  12 Feb 2014.  Web.  5 May 2014.  http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/12/why-vitamins-may-be-bad-for-your-workout/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0

Schulken ED, Pinciaro PJ, Sawyer RG, Jensen J, Hoban MT.  Sorority women’s body size perceptions and their weight-related attitudes and behaviors.  J Am Coll Health. 1997 Sep;46(2):69-74.

Teicholz, Nina.  The Questionable Link Between Saturated Fat and Heart Disease.  Wall Street Journal.  6 May 2014.  Web.  7 May 2014.  http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303678404579533760760481486

Yoshimura E, Kumahara H, Tobina T, Matsuda T, Watabe K, Matono S, Ayabe M, Kiyonaga A, Anzai K, Higaki Y, Tanaka H.  Aerobic exercise attenuates the loss of skeletal muscle during energy restriction in adults with visceral adiposity.  Obes Facts. 2014;7(1):26-35.