The Easiest Bulking Recipe in History: American Goulash

Jamie Chaos

April 21, 2021

The Easiest Bulking Recipe in History: American Goulash

Forewarned is forearmed: If you are Hungarian have Hungarian friends, or like me have simply idolized the Huns (and by extension the Hungarians), please feel free to call this dish anything other than goulash, as this dish is to goulash what Midwestern chain “American” pizza is to pizza in Naples and Rome (there’s a great Food That Built America episode on the subject if you want to learn more). Yes, like the pizza you enjoy so much, Americans took the classic “kettle goulash” recipe (which is a stew heavily seasoned with paprika and made with cubes of beef or mutton fried in lard with onions in lard, and seasoned with garlic, tomatoes, green peppers, caraway seeds, and potatoes) (Britannica), Americans took the basic idea of goulash and transformed it into a dish so entirely American you’d think it came with an extra 50 pounds of bodyfat, a bag of meth, and a second-grade reading level.

Other Bulking Goodness

MXPD Bacon and Pot Roast Potato Soup

Junk Food for Gainz

Dieting and Training on a Galley Slave Budget (which is one of the old school very NSFW series, for anyone who’s a recent arrival. Don’t open that at work or in front of kids. Or old people. Or anyone who dislikes bukkake.)

And that’s not to say that this dish doesn’t slap (because it will hit you in the face harder than a Youtuber pounding on an out-of-shape wrestler (who should hang himself in disgrace), but this goulash lacks even paprika, so feel free to call it any of its other names with goulash seems ill-fitting- this dish also goes by the even more ludicrous name “American Chop Suey,” but you can just call it chili mac if you’re going super cheesy or macaroni and meat sauce if you want- frankly, I don’t give a fuck what you call it, because any name this is given equals GAINZ. This shit is easy as hell to make, cheap as fuck, and requires only one burner and one pot to cook a full day of food, so you can bulk even if you’re living in some shitty dirt motel and using a countertop electric burner to cook all of your food on the bathroom counter (as I’ve said, I’ve bulked even while broker than you knew was possible). You can make this in any level of complexity from literal jail food to haute cuisine, and my recipe pretty much splits the difference, though I’ll link recipes to other options if you want to zhuzh it up (it is indeed a word).

I didn’t bother to upload my photo of this dish because my counter was a mess and this dish is ugly irrespective of the lofty aspirations of the chef and/or photographer. This photo is from Recipe Critic’s much more involved and elevated recipe.

Note: I am not a big cheese person, and this recipe can be made with or without cheese. Most recipes seem to add cheddar to this at the end and then mix to melt the cheese, though I think mozzarella makes more sense. Here’s an unpretentious and very Midwestern (which I guess makes it more of an OG recipe) baked version with cheddar mixed in and topped with mozzarella.

Ingredients, Price, and Macros

2lb 85% Lean ground beef, drained (and definitely drain your shit if it’s under 90%)- $8.00
- Protein- 224g
- Fat- 128g
- Carbs- 0g
1lb Macaroni- $1.29
- Protein- 56g
- Fat- 8g
- Carbs- 336g
2 bottles Classico Roasted garlic spaghetti sauce- $6
- Protein- 10g
- Fat- 5g
- Carbs- 80g
plus the cost of garlic and an onion if you don’t already have them, but I had them in my cabinet and there ‘s negligible nutrition info, so I’m not pricing them.

Total

Price-$15
Calories– 3811
Protein-290g (30%)
Fat– 141g (26%)
Carbs– 416g (44%)

And obviously, that isn’t all I am eating in a day, so combine that with two protein shakes in water and you’ve got a fairly sick fucking day of isocaloric eating:

390g protein (37%)
145g fat (24%)
426g carbs (39%)
Calories: 4250

A day of hearty eating for less than $20 bucks all told. Obviously that isn’t the cheapest shit you can make, but it is a damn sight cheaper than a single meal at Chipotle. If you subbed chicken thigh for the meal, you’d cut the cost by about 75% if you really wanted to cut corners, and then more if you made your own sauce. I’ve no interest in trying to figure out how to make this dish the cheapest, but it wouldn’t be hard to push it as low as $7 a day if you didn’t care as much about taste.

Although it isn’t much for learning shit about cooking, the Netflix show “cooking on High” is fairly entertaining if you want to watch people compete in cooking while super blazed. It also stars that comedian with CP (Josh Blue, if memory serves), who’s so fucking high you can’t tell if he’s got CP or is just stoned to the point of incapacity, and he’s a funny motherfucker.

Prepare That Motherfucker

As I mentioned above, this is a meal that you can prepare even while so high it’s astonishing you’re even vertical. It is nearly impossible to fuck this up, and you can do it all in one pot if you want. This means even if you’re living in a dirt motel, you can make this shit, and it’s virtually impossible to fuck up. That said, I never tried it blazed in a dirt motel. [Know your limits when you’re creating a fire hazard for bunches of people, even if you’re the only one in the bunch. Eventually, the idiots will catch on.]

Ingredients

(if you want to go quick and dirty, you just need the sauce, salt, pepper, macaroni, and meat- I just love onion and garlic in my food- meals without it feel incomplete)

1 onion (chopped). If you’re new to cooking, chop the ends off the onion and slice it in half and the skin will come right off, without having to peel it.
2 pounds lean ground beef (I used 85% and drained it, but you can make your own choices. Below 85% is so fatty it’s hard to work with for me due to the mess)
2 heaping TBSP minced garlic (or more- I love garlic and it’s fucking phenomenal for you)
2 TSP paprika
1 TSP Italian seasoning
1 TSP salt
1 TSP ground pepper (you might find that’s too much, but I like mine a bit peppery)
2 bottles of spaghetti sauce (I used a middle of the road Classico, but I’ve seen recipes that swear their shit is best with cheap shit like Ragu. I remain unconvinced)
1 cup beef or chicken broth
1 box elbow macaroni
parmesan cheese for topping (optional)

Directions

This shit should be pretty self-explanatory to make, but I made it lean because I’ve no interest in getting fat, in spite of my general refusal to diet the last couple of years.

spray pan with Pam or other non-stick cooking spray and fry up your meat (make it somewhat underdone if you’re adding the onion and garlic). Use the pot’s lid to hold the meat in the pan while you drain the fat. To make it leaner, just run water over the meat and use the lid to strain it out.
add the garlic, salt, pepper, italian seasoning, and onion, then fry a bit more to soften the onion (if you sliced it thin, the onion should be clear when it’s ready)
add the sauce and beef broth, bring to a boil, then simmer for 5-10 minutes.
reduce heat to medium-low and add the macaroni and stir frequently, cooking it uncovered until the noodles are soft (maybe ten mins). If that seems a bit weird, you can pre-cook your macaroni, which I usually do anyway. The dish does taste better if you soften the noodles in the sauce, though.
Let it sit for at least 5 minutes. This shit is straight napalm when it hits your mouth in less than five minutes, so heed my warning. Stir it and blow on it or you’ll end up having the roof of your mouth looking like in Ed Gein’s laundry room, with sheets of skin hanging from the ceiling.

And because it makes food both taste amazing and incredibly healthy, I typically add crushed red peppers by the spoonful to my own bowl, but not everyone who eats with me can tolerate the level of pungency I can. You can add them as you cook if you wish, but you might find yourself eating alone as a result.

Life’s too short to be small. Eat something.

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Jamie Chaos

I am a former all-time, all federation world record holder in raw powerlifting at 181lbs, a record I broke just to say fuck you to the internet’s “lifting” community and the powerlifting community at large. Over the last ten years I’ve written over 500 articles on strength training, nutrition, and supplementation, and continue to do so simply to fight the tide of weakness and sadness that currently pervades the scene I’ve called home for the better part of three decades. I’ve got personal trainin certs, BodyPump and BodyCombat certs, a BA in History and East Asian Studies from the University of Arizona, and MBAs from the Vienna University and University of South Carolina on my side, in addition to some sick lifts and a hell of a lot of rage. What the fuck have you got?

17 responses to “The Easiest Bulking Recipe in History: American Goulash”

Landon Brock

April 21, 2021

Sounds fucking awesome. Another badass meal in the log with the rest of your recipes. Thanks Jamie.
1. Jamie Chaos
  
  April 22, 2021
  
  No worries bro. This one was too easy not to share, I think. I am just so fucking burned out on writing this month it took over a week to drop, hahaha. I don’t think there’s a writer in history with my volume of output.
Viva Steve!

April 23, 2021

“so entirely American you’d think it came with an extra 50 pounds of bodyfat, a bag of meth, and a second-grade reading level.” Now I know I poked a bit of fun your way about your patriotic inclinations, but when I read this I laughed my soya burger all over the keyboard. I guess I am a sucker for punishment cos no matter how hard you whip my back for my devotion to the cause of World Proletarian Revolution, I cannot help seeing your qualities. Too much weed I guess.
Ado

April 24, 2021

After years of reading you blog I’ve seen quite a few love proclamations for a number of European contries. Which begs the quiestion. Why don’t you just move somewhere to Europe ?
1. Jamie Chaos
  
  April 24, 2021
  
  Here’s a colossally long response to a short question: Legal immigration is such a massive pain in the ass it never seemed worth the effort. Plus, you’ll invariably find problems with any place you live (though it would be difficult in Vienna or Prague). For convenience, the US can’t be beat. Additionally, the US is so big you would be insane not to be able to find a spot you enjoy. In this article I was referring to the stereotype Americans have earned over the last couple of decades, and it was a statistical generalization of over half the country.
  
  And I really bridle at my inclusion in American stereotypes, as I’ve never been a part of any group, and I don’t even have personal friends much because I immediately disassociate myself from people whose behavior I dislike, so a friend of a friend who pisses me off means I will stop hanging out with an entire group immediately. If I were to start moving to avoid those associations I’d never stop, and I already move more than an ancient Mongol, haha.
  
  Moreover, this doesn’t pay at all and should pretty look like a labor of love, because that is what it is. Even if I wanted to put up with the incredibly off-putting process of repatriation, I have zero cash with which to do so. Hilariously, I think I will likely end up in the sole bastion of sanity within Texas on my next move, but that will likely be next year if it happens. That should definitely prove interesting.
  
  Given the sort of tidal rise and fall of the East and West, it’ll be interesting to see where the locus of development ends up this century- I’d love to see it happen in the Americas, but it looks like the cradle of civilization and its surrounding areas are going through a cool rebirth alongside China, and I’ve got a buddy from Newark who’s lived in China for the last 6 years and has no plans to return, since his partial blackness is more of a unique identifier than a target for racism over there, and the Chinese government really isn’t as bad as all that (according to him). I had no problems with their government 20 years ago, and I actually used to be very patriotic- it’s just the post-911 blind and stupid patriotism I detest, along with its fans.
  
  If your question was rhetorical, I apologize for the long-windedness. I figured it might do to explain my stance on America in a bit more detail- this is a rad place that could use some work, but the uneducated half of the country makes progress extremely difficult and much more painful than it needs to be, which is a function of the fact our country is way too fucking big and has very arbitrary internal borders.
  1. Ado
    
    May 1, 2021
    
    First of all, thanks for replying and second sorry for the delayed response. The reason for my question just comes from the (wrong) assumption that you just have a general contempt for general society . The generalized picture you describe of americans aside, if I remember correctly you had issues with the legal system aswell and all the religion. Which I now relize just migt come from you not agreeing that much with republican people.
    
    But I’m glad to hear that things are not that bleak as the may sometime come across in you posts. Regarding society over there in general. I hope by now you’ve realized that my question wasn’t rhetorical.
    
    This leads me to my second question. Why is everyone moving to Texas nowdays ? Read about several IT companies moving over there aswell as celebrities.
    1. Jamie Chaos
      
      May 1, 2021
      
      No need to apologize- you had it right. For most of the existence of this site I lived in Alabama and South Carolina, and living in those states had me perpetually angry in a way most people probably wouldn’t survive- I spent a lot of time talking to myself for a few years :D. I know I throw a lot of vitriol into my articles, but provided I don’t interact with many people or watch the news, I am about as happy as a person could be- everything within the confines of my house is rad as hell now that I am firmly ensconced in the land of the literate again. I suppose letting you guys know that might be in some way beneficial to my story, but I just never write about my personal life because it’s entirely immaterial, and I find myself to be rather unremarkable, in addition to the fact that a historian writing about themselves as a figure of historical note seems haughty and off-putting.
      
      The Texas question is a good one, given the fact that we’re considering such a move. For me, it’s because the only history program in the world that caters to my focus is at UT in Austin, and that seems to be the only method by which I will ever own a car or have a bank account with if I intend to keep writing- this site makes no money, as I’m sure you can imagine. People are moving to the red states not so they can enjoy the “freedom” of denying science and hating trans people, but rather because they are idiots who don’t realize they’re going to be putting their kids into educational systems that better resemble Sunday school in an 18th century farmhouse than that of Finland, South Korea, or Denmark (the best educational systems in the world). They want a giant home for a tiny price, and fail to realize that with such things comes terrible government and terrible people voting for that government. That said, many of the big tech companies are talking about moving out of TX because of their new trans laws.
      
      In short, as with anything negative in history, the root cause is probably short-sightedness and an inability to see the big picture. If I had my druthers I would be writing from a small house outside of Vienna, Prague, or Brisbane, but as it stands the best I’ve probably got is a move to Tulum, Mexico if and when I make any money at being the world’s greatest historian of strength and fight sports.
      
      Where do you live, by the way? Your syntax is very formal, so I’m assuming you’re not American or British.
      1. Ado
        
        May 3, 2021
        
        Alrigt good to know that I wasn’t totally of the mark. I am aware though that you take on a particular persona when you write your articles and I guess thats when your own version of Dr Hyde comes out in some ways. Yeah I know what you mean, I myself feel I can’t spend too long alone with my thought’s. That’s probably why I spend most of the day with headphones in my ears when I’m alone.
        
        So if I get what you’re saying, it’s basically because of tax reasons ? They are lower over in Texas than they are in California, from which most of these companies and celebrities are moving.
        
        I live in Sweden, was that assumption another stab at the negative American/British stereotype 😀 ?
        
        Also since I didn’t do it my earliers posts. Thanks for proividing us with this awesome content you produce, Looking forward to reading it for another 12 years and further on.
      2. Jamie Chaos
        
        May 4, 2021
        
        No, the assumption that you’re European and not British or English is due to the fact that your English is far too good to be American or British- I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but neither country really represents itself well when it opens its mouth or types a single noun (you capitalize correctly and use apostrophes correctly, which is mostly what gave you away) 🤣🤣.
        
        Yeah, it is tax and housing cost. I grew up outside of Philly in a place called Villanova- it’s a rich area, and our house was “small” and “old” by the standards of the area, yet it lists for about a million dollars and the property taxes are high because our high school is one of the top five in the country. Conversely, you can live in Plano, TX in the same size house 4 beds/5 baths/ 4700 sq ft (I have no idea what the conversion is to meters cubed, which is what you use if memory serves), where the same size house is new construction with a huge pool and all of that shit, for half the price. Well, half of the monetary cost- the cost of that school system’s effect on children’s minds is likely incalculable and horrific.
        
        And I’ll do this as long as I can go entirely unpaid for my work, haha. Not having the ability to drive anywhere is definitely starting to wear thin, but I’ve yet to figure out how to make money at this shit. That said, I was interviewed for an ESPN 30 for 30 that will air next year, and will be in a sleeveless shirt dropping knowledge while flexing my 18″ arms in that documentary, haha.
Viva Steve!

April 26, 2021

You seem to be blaming the victim for the crime. The capitalist system creates this mass of degraded human beings at one pole. Anyway, at least you see how bad it is. I have nothing against the USA that I do not have against any other country, just a bunch of capitalist regimes that inevitably come into conflict if we do not stop the system. Not going to expand, I think we will soon see, the USA will not simply roll over and let China take over.
1. Ado
  
  May 1, 2021
  
  First of all, thanks for replying and second sorry for the delayed response. The reason for my question just comes from the (wrong) assumption that you just have a general contempt for general society . The generalized picture you describe of americans aside, if I remember correctly you had issues with the legal system aswell and all the religion. Which I now relize just migt come from you not agreeing that much with republican people.
  
  But I’m glad to hear that things are not that bleak as the may sometime come across in you posts. Regarding society over there in general. I hope by now you’ve realized that my question wasn’t rhetorical.
  
  This leads me to my second question. Why is everyone moving to Texas nowdays ? Read about several IT companies moving over there aswell as celebrities.
Brandon Hewitt

May 4, 2021

I wish I could read all these comments, but I’m from a red state.
1. Jamie Chaos
  
  May 5, 2021
  
  Oh, don’t get your panties in a twist- you have to admit the statistics are uglier than the physiques you see at Walmart, man. And you guys did give us American Goulash, for which at least I am eternally grateful.
Brandon Hewitt

May 5, 2021

No no, they’re not in a twist. I’m poking fun too. Dealing with dumb fucking rednecks constantly gets old. If I didn’t keep my sense of humor about it, I’d go nuts. But I think as bad as some red states are, they are doing some pretty critical things correctly. Crime is pretty low where I am, especially the violent sort. I am a five minute drive from being in the woods, or on a river. I can own any gun I like. It is cheap to live here and no one fucks with me. I can put up with the scooter people getting in my way at walmart for that. Gay marriage is legal as is medical marijuana (recreational perhaps soon). I’ve yet to run into anyone that struck me as racist, despite everyone’s insistence that red states are full of them. It’s good here, despite the Jerry Springer alumni being annoying.
1. John
  
  May 14, 2021
  
  Fellow red stater and I’ll pretty much second Brandon, although I live in a blue city in a red state, so it kind of balances out. Re: the school thing, unless you’re in a real shithole and have to pay for private school (like Louisiana) there are still good public schools, and given that at least one state (Cali) is discouraging advanced classes for the sake of “equity” I don’t exactly see why living in a red state is suddenly the worst thing ever for education. Ultimately, there’s downsides either way and it comes to which you can put up with better, and I’ll deal with the rednecks more easily than I would whatever stupid bullshit people in SF or Portland are doing (and I’m sure my perception of either is warped as well, since I’m relying on what I’ve read).
  
  https://reason.com/2021/05/04/california-math-framework-woke-equity-calculus/
  1. John
    
    May 14, 2021
    
    Oh, and the recipe looks legit. Will be trying it out soon.