Plague of Strength

If You’re Not a Regular Fucking Sleeping Beauty, You Should Be

Jamie Chaos
If beds came standard with one of these included, sleep deprivation wouldn’t be a problem.  Viagra sales would likely plummet as well.

Much has been made of the importance of getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night by talking heads the world around, cautioning us that it’s important that we do not get too much or too little sleep.  To that end, there’s a whole host of products designed to stimulate just that, all of which are awesome in that they’re addictive.  That was sarcasm, in case you hadn’t noticed.  The fact that people so many people need sleep aids to get to sleep is a testament to how fucking unnatural our lives have become.

So, who’s to blame for this clusterfuck?  It’s an impressive combination of Thomas Edison, the government, shitty diet, insufficient exercise, television, the stunning panoply of prescription meds most people down all fucking day long, and a giant cloud of general suck.

Prior to the invention of the electric light bulb, people slept an average of 10-12 hours a day.  Thomas Edison, the inventor of the electric light bulb, was a workaholic who believed that sleep, and rest in general, were unnecessary, primitive, and to be championed only by the lazy.  I suppose he needed all of that extra time awake to steal as much as he possibly could from other inventors of the day, like Nikola Tesla.  In any event, he was a dick, essentially directly responsible for the modern idea that getting “too much” sleep is unhealthy, and the fact that Americans average 20% less sleep than they did in 1900.  In contrast to our modern sleep habits, Paleolithic man (who was demonstrably stronger, healthier, and essentially better in every possible way than modern man) slept from dusk until dawn, which means a little over 10 hours a night in the summer, and considerably longer in the winter.  Were this unhealthy, it’s unlikely that they’d have done it.

According to Paul Chek, another factor is diet.  A teaspoon of sugar has been shown to suppress the immune system for up to 4 hours, and the resulting blood sugar crash from sugar consumption causes your body to release cortisol, which triggers glucose release from your liver stores.  (How To Eat, Move, and Be Healthy, p. 204) Given that the typical American diet contains massive amounts of sugar, it’s no fucking wonder people can’t sleep- how many people do you know who have some sort of dessert every night?  I’m willing to bet they suck at sleeping, between their sugar consumption and likely sedentarism.

Now you’ll have trouble sleeping, too.

Having established that everyone should sleep more, which you already knew, I’ll address some things most people don’t seem to know.

  • napping is tremendously good for you.  Mental acuity and manual dexterity are both measurably improved in people who nap, moreso for nappers than people who use pharmacological methods to achieve complete wakefulness.  (Annals of Internal Medicine, June 6, 2006 vol. 144 no. 11 856-857)
  • having any electrical device near to your bed while sleeping can seriously fuck up your circadian rhythms.  According to Paul Chek, moving all electrical devices as far as you can from your bed should improve your quality of sleep. (How To Eat, Move, and Be Healthy, p. 205)
  • getting to sleep at or before 10:30 PM should help you sleep better, due to your body’s natural release of cortisol at certain times of the day.
  • the position in which you sleep also has a direct affect on the quality of your sleep and your body’s ability to align itself at rest.  Though not the best position for respiratory reasons, I sleep on my back for the sake of my back and shoulders.  When I sleep on my stomach, it throws my neck out of alignment, and fucks up my rotator cuffs horribly, because I sleep with my hands under my pillow.  Sleepin on my back prevents that, and relieves pressure on the lower back.  However you sleep, don’t do it on your stomach- you will bring yourself more pain and shitty training sessions than any other position.
  • sleep in a dark, cool room.  When the broad laying next to you complains of being cold, which she invariably will, tell her 1) to shut the fuck up and deal with it, 2) go elsewhere to whine, or 3) go get a fucking blanket and keep it the hell away from you.  Misogyny is often justified.  You should, however, refrain from giving her a pair of irish sunglasses until at least her second outburst, at which point you can honestly say “I told her twice.”

There it is, fuckers.  Get more sleep.  The more, the better, right?  Isn’t that what the HIT jackasses blabber constantly?  Maybe if they slept more, their training wouldn’t be quite so infrequent and pathetic.

Finally, for those of you out there who are alleged insomniacs- jerk off more.  There’s no amount of insomnia that 10 orgasms won’t cure.  Though that might seem like it’s my cure for everything (I’m betting it cures cancer, by the way), here’s a bit of science for the skeptics out there: “While thinking about sex might keep you up at night having it, including masturbation, is a great way to deal with insomnia. In a 2000 study of U.S. women, 32% said that in the past three months they masturbated as a way to fall asleep. Whether it’s because of the hormones and endorphins released following orgasm, the benefits of clearing your head, or the mini cardio workout, masturbation that ends in orgasm is a great way to get to sleep without pills, television, or counting sheep.” (http://sexuality.about.com/od/masturbation/p/masturbation_fx.htm)

Food for thought.

On that note, it’s time to rub one out and hit the hay.

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Jamie Chaos Avatar
Jamie Chaos
I am a former all-time, all federation world record holder in raw powerlifting at 181lbs, a record I broke just to say fuck you to the internet’s “lifting” community and the powerlifting community at large. Over the last ten years I’ve written over 500 articles on strength training, nutrition, and supplementation, and continue to do so simply to fight the tide of weakness and sadness that currently pervades the scene I’ve called home for the better part of three decades. I’ve got personal trainin certs, BodyPump and BodyCombat certs, a BA in History and East Asian Studies from the University of Arizona, and MBAs from the Vienna University and University of South Carolina on my side, in addition to some sick lifts and a hell of a lot of rage. What the fuck have you got?

22 responses to “If You’re Not a Regular Fucking Sleeping Beauty, You Should Be”

  1. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    OK, don't quote me on any of this but here's some junk that I've had filed away in my head. Just throwing it here to add to the discussion:

    During the day, sunlight makes your body produce melatonin which makes you go to sleep. At night, bright lights (artificial only? I'm not real sure but the different kinds of lights like flourescent ones and shit are fucking bad for you) suppress melatonin production.

    I think I got that right….

    And yeah people who work graveyard shifts have all kinds of health problems. Some crap about circidan ryhtms.

    Yeah fuck it, spellcheck, whatever, it's almost midnight.

    Oh yeah my creepy psych teacher said to beat off "if your body hurts" (yeah like my dick) for pain relief. I never thought of it that way so I beat off when I get a headache hahaha. Sleep aid/pain reliever fuck yeah

    There was some article I read about cortisol release upon waking and how it relates to adrenal burnout…I should dig that up.

    Spain and their fucking naptimes…….lucky bastards.

    Daylight savings–that's a whole nother motherfucking shabang.

  2. Jippo Avatar
    Jippo

    Since leaving the army and having to go to bed and wake up at retarded times, my training and overall well being has improved greatly. Decent sleep really does make a difference, and now i'm working and training at home i can always nap after lifting which is awesome.

  3. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    Since i've been training heavy it's pretty much cured my insomnia, i'm always fucked by the time i get back from the gym so i eat and go straight to sleep. Not in the context of this post but i thought i'd ask anyways. I know you sometimes train twice a day, would you recommend it as a speedier way of leaning out? I lift heavy 3 times per week and do the bear 2 other days, i'm thinking of doing bodyweight stuff in the AM on heavy days and doing some arms and abs on my light evenings. Is this advisable or are 2 a days for those a little more advanced? Cheers.

  4. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    Quit being a pussy, do it and see what happens fucker.

  5. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    I agree, why do you need to ask permission?

  6. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    Jamie, what the FUCK did you type into Google to get that one horrendous hobo picture? Like really, what the hell?

    And aside from that, this article is timely, because I haven't been getting to bed when I should be to get at the gym before the douches do.

  7. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    this is hilarious and super-informative. and apparently i'm not having enough orgasms.

  8. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    great article…but one &%F.U.C.K$#@* picture. horrendous is the word
    The firt and last picture is best… save in hard drive .

  9. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    I hate scrolling down this fucking website because of that fucking gay homeless hobbit train.

    Fuck you Jamie. I don't care how strong you are, I will punch you in the face for putting that shit up. Fucker.

  10. Krümelmonster Avatar
    Krümelmonster

    It was about time for this blog to adress the all-important-always-overlooked topic of sleep to give a base for a balls-out-superhardcore sleeping philosophy which would be fucking awesome and hilarious at the same time, (much in line with the spirit of this site). So you're fucking spot on with this entry Jamie… except for one thing. You mention the importance of sex and onanism (and I agree 100%) but how in earth do you expect us to go on and fuck a broad and/or rub a couple out after seeing the picture of those fat bastards fucking doggie style?? I won't have a bonner for… well maybe a couple of hours, which is still unacceptable, so fuck you for doing that Jamie… the always feared irish crabs should descend on your doomed person!!

  11. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    I'm an insomniac, and no amount of wanking has ever helped me sleep. Just my experience.

  12. Jamie Lewis Avatar
    Jamie Lewis

    GOT YOU GOOD, YOU FUCKERS! Hahaha. I typed in "fat fuck" to get a pic for taht area, and that was one of the first couple that came up. Being that it was funny as hell, I threw it up there.

    I win.

    To the insomniac, were all of the other factors in place?

  13. Dray Avatar
    Dray

    I suck, having read this past midnight. I'm going to go proceed to sleep until I can't anymore.

  14. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    Jamie,

    You're a fucking cocksucker. Here is the typical emotional development of a man:

    1. Boy learns to jack off, starts bragging about jacking off.
    2. Boy gets laid for the first time, starts bragging about it.
    3. Boy gets laid a lot, keeps bragging about it.
    4. Boy lays really fine bitch, brags about it.
    5. Boy lays a lot of fine bitches, brags about it.
    6. Boy stops fucking bragging about shit and becomes a man.

    Cheers, faggot.

  15. Jamie Lewis Avatar
    Jamie Lewis

    Hahaha. It's been a while since a woman posted a comment on this blog. Thanks for chiming in.

    Now, where's my sandwich?

  16. Anonymous Avatar
    Anonymous

    I didn't know that ZZ top leaned that way. And I'm out of eyewash.

    Damn you, Lewis.

  17. Ziga H Avatar
    Ziga H

    Jamie,

    where do dayligt savings come in this 22:00 – 02:00 regeneration? Use them, abuse them, forget about them?

    Where I live – CET (central europe, GMT/UTC+1) in the summertime its quire bright at 22:00. I recon the proposed regen offset would be 23:00 – 03:00?

    Looking forward to reading your answer.

    hit'em'hard
    ++Ziga

  18. Sam Swanson Avatar
    Sam Swanson

    Lol irish sunglasses

  19. Dave Tart Avatar
    Dave Tart

    I must say I am firm believer in masturbating myself into a coma to overcome insomnia.

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