In stark defiance of my otherworldly will, I was laid low over the last couple of weeks with what turned out to be walking pneumonia.  I’ve been sick precisely three other times in my life with anything that really resembled a serious sickness, so I was frankly unprepared for the eventuality of contracting what to me is a disease reserved solely for the elderly and people with AIDS [note to self: get tested for AIDS].  At the same time, everyone and their brother got a hair up their ass to send me an email, most of which I deleted in a fever-induced haze.  Once I finally got a thermometer, I discovered that over the last four days, my temperature was between 100 and 104, and 104 was CERTAINLY lower than some of the fevers I had earlier in the week, which necessitated throwing out two of my pillows because they smelled like 30 year old veterans of a Turkish bathhouse. All told, I shit my pants more time than I can count, and I coughed so hard for a couple of days  that I reenacted the Exorcist and projectile vomited up anything in my stomach- in store parking lots, public bathrooms, and a few times in my shower. At one point, I thought my girlfriend was a killer robot and kicked her completely out of the bed.  In other words, if you didn’t get a reply to your email, it likely was for a good reason.  If any of you are looking for a quick cut, however, I recommend walking pneumonia- it looks like I might be going 165 in January.  Hopefully without the heat rash and coughing, however.

Douchebaggery: A national epidemic.

Q:  Recently, a couple of articles were released linking Crossfit and P90X to steroid use in America’s kids.  Do you think that there’s any truth to these studies?

A: First, let’s address the fact that there are no “studies” associated with these articles- they were the brainchildren, respectively, of dickless halfwit Douglas Quenqua of the NYT and possible Stalinist Alec MacGillis of The New Republic   Frankly, we can lay the lot of this idiocy at the testosterone-bereft feet of Quenqua, as it was all his anti-scientific idea, but because MacGillis is a flaming asshole and appears to be losing his fucking mind, in addition to being a rabid leftist, he should get a bag of flaming dogshit thrown through his dining room window this evening as well, followed by some rocks, the occasional hammer, and their mom’s favorite dildo.  The article to which I’ve referred is linked here, in case any of you want to offend your intellects with the ravings of the NYT’s (hopefully) least mentally competent member.  After reading it, I’ve half a mind to send a box of .44 magnums loaded with a single bullet to the head office of the New York Times so that the lot of them could take themselves out for publishing their in-house Special Ed’s blissfully short logical fallacy.

Quenqua, continuing to avoid journalistic responsibility.
In case you avoided reading the article, which likely would have done your blood pressure some good, here’s the gist:
  • it cites a study published in Pediatrics as its inspiration, which (unlike either of the aforementioned authors, actually read).  This study, which I’ve got cited below, doesn’t make any actual legitimate claims about the deleterious effects of “muscle building”, but instead draws some bizarre and tenuous parallel with anorexia by stating “Broadening existing body image programs to address muscularity as well as thinness would be an appropriate and cost-effective approach.  Although it is appropriate to promote physical activity in youth, which may have desirable benefits in terms of health and body composition, care should be taken to emphasize moderation in behaviors and to focus on skill development, fitness, and general health rather than development of a muscular appearance”(Eisenberg).  This is fucking stupid for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that it’s a statistical certainty that more dogs are proficient in astrophysics than there are pediatricians proficient in sports nutrition and exercise.  Beyond that, the asshole who conducted the study didn’t even read their own fucking work, because it clearly shows that the people most likely to train to for more musculature are fatties, skinny kids who are tired of getting their asses beat, and athletes, rather than image-obsessed psychotics.
  • it claims the possible detriments to a high school kid’s life could be “long hours in the gym, allowances blown on expensive supplements or even risky experiments with illegal steroids”(Quenqua) and states that “only genetics can confer”(Quenqua) muscular physiques, which I suppose falls in line with hours in the gym and the use of supplements being considered a detrimental waste of time.
  • it provides this fucking gem, from a man who should be stripped of his medical license and dragged behind a moving car over a bed of broken glass and nails, stopping occasionally to wash his wounds with lemon juice and rub gasoline in his eyes:  “‘The problem with supplements is they’re not regulated like drugs, so it’s very hard to know what’s in them,’ said Dr. Shalender Bhasin, a professor of medicine at Boston University School of Medicine and chief of endocrinology, diabetes and nutrition at Boston Medical Center. Some contain anabolic steroids, and even high-quality protein supplements might be dangerous in large amounts, or if taken to replace meals, he said. ‘These things just haven’t been studied very well,’ he said.”(Quenqua).  In other words, without a tremendous amount of meddling from the government, this man does not trust anyone’s word, in spite of the innumerable lawyers champing at the bit to fuck anyone who tries to fuck their customers.  On top of this, our doctor of medicine has managed to ignore 50 years of scientific evidence refuting the concept that high protein diets are deleterious to one’s health in addition to the massive amounts of research that has been done into nutritional supplementation.  It’s not that supplements “haven’t been studied well”- it’s that this embarrassment to his profession is spouting off about a subject he has not studied very well. 
If anything, it looks like Ryan could use some steroids.

Stepping up the insanity from this article was one that was even more anti-intellectual and inflammatory, in which Alec MacGillis of the New Republic blamed Paul Ryan and his P90X infatuation with the rise in teen lifting obsessions.  The article seems to have been removed (likely when the author came out of his trip and realized he was going to be sued by everyone and their brother for slandering the holy fuck out of a wide array of rich and wholly innocent people), but you can rest assured it gives you one more reason to hang a beating on a leftist when you see them regurgitating Chomsky at the top of their lungs in Starbucks.

Do the right thing, Quenqua.  Find out what the barrel of a .44 Magnum tastes like.

Hilariously, a recently released Swedish study directly refutes the asinine claims in the above shining gems of journalism, as it stated that “teenaged boys with above-average muscle strength have a better chance of living longer compared to those with lower levels of arm and leg muscle strength or a weaker grip”(Carnahan).  This study, unlike the poorly conducted study cited in the aforementioned article, utilized a sample of one million men, and found that “Even muscular overweight men fared better than thinner men with weaker muscles. It may not be purely physical, either—stronger boys had a lower risk of death from suicide, and were less likely to develop psychiatric issues like schizophrenia or depression”(Carnahan).  Pile that atop our weekly dose of headlines stating “HOLY FUCK, YOUR KID IS FUCKING FAT!”, and that should lay this baby to bed.

Q:  Donnie Shankle just quit Glenn Pendlays team! We’re never going to medal in Olympic Weightlifting again, are we?

A: Likely not, but that has nothing to do with Donnie Shankle.  Insofar as I know, Shankle was the darling of the weightlifting community  but competes in the most insanely competitive weight class in strength sports and can’t hang with the international lifters.  Frankly, none of our lifters can, as thy’re constantly chased around by government drug testers and hounded and harassed by our government rather than aided in their efforts.  I’m not sure why Shankle, with all of his rampant Jesusing, is so popular, but I’ll be happy to see his Bible-reading fade into obscurity.  That aside, the US government’s all but stated they hate strong people and want us all dead, so  medals in Olympic Weightlifting will be forthcoming on the seventh of never, most likely.

Q: All of the strongest men seem to have something in common, thick joints. That is, thick wrists and ankles in particular. What’s the Asshole’s take on thickening tendons? Can it be done? I assume the answer will be heavy partials like Louis Anderson or Brooks Kubik prescribed in Dinosaur Training.  I welcome the derision, however (not to ride your nuts) but you joints are pretty thick.

A:  I just measured my wrists- 5.25″.  If I have thick joints, I pity those with small ones.  I’ve mentioned this in the past- partials are the most accepted method of strengthening your ligaments and tendons.  Frankly, working with a load over time will strengthen your ligaments and tendons considerably, irrespective of the range of motion utilized.  I’ve looked for the documentary many times since I saw it without luck, but I recall a documentary from the early 2000s on Discovery or somesuch in which the ligament insertions of Roman and Greek athletes were measured against our own and found to be considerably larger.  Their tendons and ligaments were so thick, in fact, that the conclusion of the sports scientists was that there was no way a modern athlete could outperform them.  This would have been due to the lifetime of heavy labor these athletes endured, and the constant marching and battling in heavy armor they did.  Thus, I’d posit that if you continue training heavily, your ligaments and tendons will necessarily grow to compensate for the load.  Utilizing the example given in the documentary, however, doing some weighted carries might be a useful method to add to your partials- a 50 to 60 lb weighted vest would be a good investment.  I wear one while playing Call of Duty, and it kicks my fucking ass every time.

Failing that, you could always go 12 gauge on the deal.

That’s all I have for you guys this week.  I’m down to 182 as of last night, so it looks like I’ll be competing at 165, provided I’m among the living, next month.  Whee.

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