As my brain is melting from writing at a pace that would kill just about anyone, I figured I'd draw. So I went old school hardcore punk hand-drawn show bill on the deal, and that's what my doodling produced this weekend. If you care, I used Sharpies and technical pens.

Online coaching is currently closed as I try to regrow a scintilla of my goodwill towards man- restarting it was a part of my 2020 efforts at being social and donating time to my community (most of which was for the drug-and-alcohol addicted nearly homeless people living in motels in my area because they’re better people than most lifters). I am not a difficult guy to get along with provided you don’t intentionally aggravate me, but it seems most people just want to pay $150 to see how much stupid shit they can say before I add them to my list of people to kill before I die. Pro tip: if you own a “seal” row bench (they’re called chest supported rows and are as old as they are mostly pointless) or a GHR, do not ever contact me for any reason. I cannot abide tryhards in any form, least of all lifting- go to one of the teeming multitudes of dickless, mouthbreathing anti-maskers if you want to be basic as fuck while screaming for attention based on your idiotic and colossally uninformed purchases. They, at the very least, will tolerate your love of black metal, incessant, vile passive-aggressiveness, and laugh at your idiotic “jokes” about chicks and minorities.

I generally don’t advertise coaching and had it on the site only to placate the people who would inquire thereto because until recently I really didn’t enjoy coaching because I feel as though it’s so intuitive that I am stealing from people. And given the number of charlatans, dickheads, and generally odious motherfuckers calling themselves coaches in the internet age, I found the term both ridiculous and repulsive, and refused to be associated with it.

Over time, I realized my lack of participation in coaching didn’t change other people’s perception of me as a coach or improve the state of coaching in the world, but even my boundless niavete has a limit, it seems, and so I am a coach. Luckily, I started training some high school athletes and a couple of adults over the winter just to get me out of the house and talking to humans rather than cats, as I was starting to get weird between the Covid lockdown and only leaving the house to go to the gym or the store, with my headphones in.

After I pushed the incredible awkwardness of those first couple of weeks, I actually found myself enjoying it, and my most recent online client has had such ridiculously awesome success I thought I’d bring to light the fact that I do in fact offer coaching services. I construct programming week by week, based on the skills and abilities of the client and to the specifications they make regarding two goals they have for their training. I’ve coached NXT’s Tag Team champ Danny Burch in the past (and will likely get his fat ass back into shape after his shoulder heals); helped a dude total elite and set a bunch of German and European records in his first ever powerlifting meet; coached a number of high-level strength coaches and gym owners; got a Princeton econ professor who had never lifted in his life to pull 315×5 and squat 225×5 during Ramadan after only a couple of months of twice-a-week in-person coaching; and helped the totals and physiques of regular-ass people go from suck to respectable in a very short period of time.

DURING RAMADAN, MOTHERFUCKERS. THIS MAN WAS EATING ONCE A DAY AND TRAINING FASTED AND NOW OUTLIFTS HALF OF REDDIT, IN THREE MONTHS OF TWICE WEEKLY PERSONAL TRAINING.

Fair is fair, he did train a couple of times a week more than that, in a group session with high school football players that focused on speed, balance, and agility, and the other coaches went easy on him because he was starving himself- I just had him lift heavy at a steady pace so he didn’t sweat too much (no water until sundown either).

As to the client who inspired this post, I created the world’s greatest infographic to explain his insane two month progress. Not only did we not form check any of his lifts, he didn’t bench or back squat once in two months, and he only tested a weekly max on the deadlift- we did no rep work at all on that shit. And because I know what the fuck I am doing, a man who wanted his strict press and a nebulous squat/dead dual-single goal (because all of you are difficult as fuck, haha) saw his physique transform like half of the Captain America transformation sequence (if you took that half from the middle), and saw every one of his lifts go up. No peds, and the only thing I told him was to eat a hell of a lot more protein than he had been. Pretty soon his body started screaming for food, and now we’re lean bulking him through the summer (and I’ll be posting a recipe he concocted from the diet he’s now on tomorrow).

I made these for the Gram last week, then realized not all of you are on the Gram, or follow me on the Gram, so here we are. I like to think of my graphic art style as PUNCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FACE, which I suppose is pretty much my style period.

And because the above graphic was deemed both too annoying and too grindcore for life by my wife, I created the following piece of what is certain to be advertising history.

I think it is very obvious at this point that I am not a graphic designer and have no aspirations in that direction either. And if you don’t get the reference, this ad is a callback to one of the best episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

So now you know- it is indeed possible to get coaching from me if you so choose, and it will be rad should you decide to (click here to do so). And because I’ve been asked, it is possible to schedule a phone consult but we’ll just work out pricing between us because I’m fucked if I know what any of this is supposed to cost- hit me up on Facebook or Instagram for that.

And for the curious, I will be posting a lean bulking recipe tomorrow from my client, and the end of the Adah Menken/Lola Montez story after that. As a trailer to that, the song “Lola Montez” by Volbeat is about Lola Montez, Col. Thomas Hoyer Monstery’s fencing student, consort of King Ludwig III of Bavaria, hot-tempered dueller of men, and the hottest striptease artist, stuntwoman, and actress on Earth… until Adah Menken.

I can’t understand a single word this dude says, so I never had any idea this was called Lola Montez- it just happened to come on SirisXM while we were in the car. Tara’s a big fan of Volbeat, so she’d known, but had no idea Volbeat knew who the woman I’ve been babbling about for a month was.
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