Loneliness Will Kill You… Or Make You Kill Yourself

Although I have known for decades that humans are social creatures who require physical, emotional, and casual interpersonal contact for optimal mental health, I thought that as I buck most trends I could buck that one. I ignored the alarm bells in my head as I trundled along, talking to myself out loud as I puttered around my apartment, and then when realizing I was doing so and that it was a sign of my worsening mental health I decided that socialization at the bar would be my best option, in spite of the fact that when I found myself in those situations I avoided people further by reading a book (and if I was in a place that played country music I would be listening to my headphones as well). In short- I ignored every warning signal, large and small, and consistently thought loneliness only negatively affected others, and certainly *I* was just too damn hard to fall prey to such silly nonsense.

In other words, if you think this article doesn’t apply to you, it DEFINITELY applies to you.

“Forty percent of American adults report feeling lonely (and many more may simply too proud to admit they’re suffering), Murthy reports in a recent Harvard Business Review article. That lack of social connection isn’t just a personal sadness; it’s a raging health crisis. In fact, science shows that loneliness can take as many years off your life as smoking 15 cigarettes a day” (Stillman).

And if you think you’re not lonely because you DO have kids and/or a spouse, you’re very possibly delusional. As one reporter explained using his own life as an example, you’ll find ways to justify your life in your head because being a great parent is all most people want to be, but a lot of times it comes at the cost of your own health. To wit, he following was written by an author investigating psychologists’ claim in this regard

“I TURNED 40 IN MAY. I have a wife and two young boys. I moved to the suburbs a few years ago, where I own a fairly ugly home with white vinyl siding and two aging station wagons with crushed Goldfish crackers serving as floor mats. When I step on a Lego in the middle of the night on my way to the bathroom, I try to tell myself that it’s cute that I’ve turned into a sitcom dad.

During the week, much of my waking life revolves around work. Or getting ready for work. Or driving to work. Or driving home from work. Or texting my wife to tell her I’m going to be late getting home from work.

Much of everything else revolves around my kids. I spend a lot of time asking them where their shoes are, and they spend a lot of time asking me when they can have some “dada time.” It is the world’s cutest phrase, and it makes me feel guilty every time I hear it, because they are asking it in moments when they know I cannot give it to them — when I am distracted by an e-mail on my phone or I’m dealing with the constant, boring logistics of running a home.

We can usually squeeze in an hour of “dada time” before bed — mostly wrestling or reading books — and so the real “dada time” happens on weekends. That’s my promise. “I have to go to work, but this weekend,” I tell them, “we can have ‘dada time.’ ”

I love “dada time.” And I’m pretty good about squeezing in an hour of “me time” each day for exercise, which usually means getting up before dawn to go to the gym or for a run. But when everything adds up, there is no real “friend time” left. Yes, I have friends at work and at the gym, but those are accidents of proximity. I rarely see those people anywhere outside those environments, because when everything adds up, I have left almost no time for friends. I have structured myself into being a loser.”

Hell, in the last year we’ve all seen the results of loneliness as half of the developed world lost their minds and started refuting the existence of objective reality. I’m quite certain that they were probably shitty people to begin with, as only a person who was pathologically selfish and evil would believe or say any of the dumb shit coming out of the fat mouths positioned over their jiggling wattles as they are thrown off of airplanes for the rest of their lives, but it is possible if not probable that they only feel confident expressing their opinions because they’ve been driven insane by their lack of meaningful friendships. And yes, they have to be meaningful- the high school friend you see once a year at Christmas doesn’t count, your kids certainly don’t count, and although pets are phenomenal for reducing the effects and symptoms of loneliness, in my experience even the strongest bond you can have with your furbuddy doesn’t supplant what you get from positive human interaction (and that’s coming from a guy who treats his fur people like full human adults.

As I mentioned, when I lived in Alabama and South Carolina I was extremely conscious of the ridiculously unhealthy nature of my entirely solitary lifestyle, and I would frequently discuss it with myself as I went about cleaning my solitary abode in the interim between work and work, or work and lifting, or lifting and lifting, because if the South taught me one thing, it is that I am not to interact with the humans who live there at all. [Feel free to insert whatever place you hate in place of the South if you want- this isn’t an anti-Southern screed but rather an explanation of how and why this issue matters to me.] A Southern therapist was out, as they would have the same general distaste for me as the rest of the denizens of that now-distant place, and I am hardly a person with either a poker face or the diplomacy to abstain from letting people know what I thought about their literacy levels, their ever-present and looming giant crosses that dot the countryside, or the half a million other issues I had with the places in which I lived. My paycheck came from that place, though, and I was bound and determined to weather my isolation “like the Vikings of yore did” irrespective of its obviously deleterious effects on my psyche, erroneously thinking that I, like Roberto in the OG Red Dawn, could live entirely on a diet of hatred for my fellow man.

Fun Fact: the Vikings, like every other group of people before them, recognized the untold benefits of communal living, friendships, and relationships of all types. That is why, at least in part, that their early government was democratic, and the Norse model is one of egalitarian social democracy rather than vituperative, fragmented, anything-but-free “free market” economics wedded to a combination of semi-egalitarian representative democracy and the aristocratic British model thereof.

“Friendship was the most important social bond in Iceland and Norway during the Viking Age and the early Middle Ages. Far more significantly than kinship ties, it defined relations between chieftains, and between chieftains and householders.” Viking friendships were more important to Icelanders of that period than even blood, and they based their relationships on the ideals of “protection and generosity, which was most often expressed through gift giving and feasting. In a society without institutions that could guarantee support and security, these were crucial means of structuring mutual assistance.”  In fact, it wasn’t until the Icelanders fell under the rule of Norway that this changed- “Not until later centuries, when Iceland fell under the rule of Norwegian kings, did kinship give a man of status more influence than friendship. It is a subtle argument, but the concept of friendship, key to understanding Viking society, clarifies the profound changes in social and political structures necessary to form medieval society” (Source).

For a few years, my dumbass plan sort of worked, though I was neither happy nor healthy and I drank like a psychopath two nights a week. I built up my neck and traps to the point that I was able to survive an incredibly stupid car accident that involved flipping my MazdaSpeed3 end-over-end while not wearing a seatbelt, then suffered horrendous headaches from the massive knots that filled my face and neck. My solution to that was more drinking, which dulled the pain and somehow allowed some of the knots in my face and neck to chill out. That drinking of course isolated me more, and I grew progressively worse until I vacationed in a mental hospital, took stock of my life, and realized I was doing everything goddamned thing in my life angrily and incorrectly.

And there’s a reason for that- loneliness is a common thread in personality disorders. Each disorder manifests differently and is influenced differently by isolation, but it is an underlying cause in the manifestation of all PDs. In fact,

because loneliness is a common thread in every personality disorder, it should be considered as part of the definition of that disorder.

Here’s how each works:

“Each of the PDs we will discuss address what causes the loneliness, how a person with a PD expresses it, and what a partner can do to help neutralize it or make it livable.

Paranoid PD. Their obsessive fear, both rational and irrational, drives others to run away because their own anxiety and stress levels are so high. Loneliness feeds the paranoia, which causes isolation from others in an unhealthy relational downward spiral. Partners wanting to neutralize the effect must not dispute the fears but accept them even if they are highly improbable.

Schizoid PD. Their natural detachment from others makes it impossible for anyone to get close. This PD lives almost like a hermit and is not easily discovered. Partners, who are involved even if at arms length, need to protect the PDs privacy at all costs.

Schizotypal PD. Their odd and eccentric behavior deters most from getting close because of their peculiar thinking. Their feelings of loneliness are strung together with random events and unrelated sequences leading to unusual conclusions. Partners should see this pattern as normal for the PD and resist the urge to break it down or change it.

Antisocial PD (Sociopath & Psychopath). Their fantasy of hurting others, threats of harm, and intimidating stares scare most people away. This PD generally is comfortable feeling alone and prefers life to be this way. Most expressions of loneliness are actually attempting to manipulate others. Partners should be on guard.

Borderline PD. Their extreme mood shifts and high emotional tolerance are nearly impossible to match for a person who does not have Borderline PD. Feelings of loneliness and the fear of abandonment are sometimes expressed in self-harming or self-injurious behavior. Partners need to reassure the PD that their abandonment fear is unjustified to neutralize the loneliness.

Histrionic PD. Their sexualization of mundane events and uncomfortable moments is awkward and unappealing to others. Typically, this PD seeks out some type of sexual contact to overcome feelings of loneliness. Partners should encourage this PD to use words, not their bodies, to express their fears and feelings.

Narcissistic PD. Their daily need for affirmation, attention, adoration, and affection is a tremendous burden for others to bear. Usually, their loneliness is expressed in fits of anger. This is a strong indication that their needs are not getting met. Partners can reduce the intensity of the outbursts by supplying the needed attention.

Avoidant PD.Their fear of being shamed by a partner causes them to push away others which intensifies isolation. Most of these PDs want relationships and show loneliness through withdrawal. Of course, this makes matters worse, not better. Partners should realize that the distance they feel is actually a cry for attention.

Dependent PD. Their fear of having to make decisions alone and the need for constant reassurance from others is exhausting to a partner. Neediness or asking input over mundane decisions is an indication that this PD is feeling lonely. Partners should resist the urge to become frustrated by the lack of decision making and find ways to assist without making the final choice.

Obsessive-Compulsive PD. Their insatiable need to compartmentalize, quantify, and qualify a relationship pushes partners away who just want to live and enjoy life. Loneliness is often expressed as rigidity in routine, judgmental comments, and suffocating partners with countless questions. Partners should resist black-and-white thinking and instead offer shades of grey as solutions.

Passive-Aggressive PD. Their backhanded and sarcastic way of dealing with confrontation drives others away because they are unsure of when the next attack will happen. Loneliness for this PD is treated in the same manner as anger by procrastinating, pouting, or conveniently misplacing needed items of their partners. In response, partners should resist the urge to become angry but rather use a consistently direct approach” (Hammond).

I personally haven’t been diagnosed with any of the above, but I would say at different times in my Southern experience I exhibited signs of most of the above and my mind was poison, which came through in my writing at times. Though many of you might think me to have been some kind of edgelord in the past I was really just used to having to prove myself over and over as a result of moving constantly as a kid. My place in the heirarchy was never established, so my accomplishments were overlooked by my peers because they didn’t know me. That frustrated me to the point I began obsessively achieving any goal set in front of me, just to prove to myself and everyone else I was capable. It led me to speak at and over people rather than speaking with them, because I thought my vocabulary would impress them instead of simply trying to connect with them (a trick I eventually developed in spite of my ridiculous arrogance).

Loneliness correlates very strongly with depression (which is not conducive to strength gains or hypertrophy), resistance to cancer treatments (because you’re just waiting to die anyway), and fucked up physical performance in general. A study of just under 9000 people over 50 in the UK found that “loneliness, domestic isolation and social disengagement were longitudinally associated with poorer physical performance,” (Philip) which led researchers to conclude that “social participation and subjectively meaningful interpersonal interactions are related to physical performance.” Not only that, but the different types of social isolation had differing effects on physical performance- “social disengagement was associated with lower ability in sit-to-stand, poorer balance and slower walking speed, but domestic isolation was only associated with poorer balance and walking speed.” While that might mean little to you, it means that your loneliness is fucking up every bit of your life in subtle ways, and your lifting performance in more ways than one.

It likely took awhile or me to realize the negative effects of loneliness on my psyche because loneliness seems to make you dumber. By that I don’t mean it directly affects your memory, but it is “associated with worse performance on attention and processing speed, executive function, and verbal memory immediate recall, via bedtime cortisol levels” (Montoliua). In any event, by the time I began coming to this realization it was difficult for me to fix anything external because at that point I couldn’t even stand myself, and the people I had been fucking or hanging around with for the last couple of years were walking nightmares (birds of a feather flock together, after all). That made me even more despondent, which led me to drink more, which led me to stop caring if I died. Thankfully, my liver somehow managed to process enough liquor to keep me alive through that bout of hopelessness, and after a short stay in a hospital I gained enough distance from my situation to realize I just needed to make a couple of minor changes to get the ball rolling.

Those changes seemed somewhat meaningless at the time because of my general feelings of hopelessness, though they look incredibly important in retrospect. I’ve never been one to celebrate my successes at all, as I always feel like it’s redundant (because of course I won… as I explained I am arrogant as hell and obsessively good at things as a reflex. That said, I feel no need to be “the best’ as that is a position that is always in flux- being among the best at most things is far more attainable and what I consider to be a “reasonable” approach). In any event, celebrate those small changes on the inside and let other people notice the changes on their own- telling people your intentions in this regard is both absurd and self-defeating, as you’ll fail to meet both their and your expectations if you open your mouth about it.

As I wrote about more than once, I developed a method for repairing my own self-hatred by piling up minor life victories into little hills of success upon which I could stand, and eventually enough of those stood between myself and the utter catastrophe that was my life from 2010-2017 that I stopped hating myself. But by then I was terrified of being around people because my own shitty behavior on top of spending a decade in a place where it was truly impossible for me to connect with anyone on a meaningful level meant that either I was not for people or that they were not for me.

That is, of course, utter nonsense, but that is the type of dumbass thinking you can find yourself doing if you get lonely enough. Because lonely people are crazy people.

It turns out, however, that it is MUCH harder to make friends as an adult than it is as a kid, so I doubt I’m uncommon in deciding that because people seem to hate me I was comfortable hating them right back. Given the propensity for everyone I know to start a sentence with “I hate people,” my attitude (and yours) is so common that it’s mainstream rather than a precept held by intellectuals who fell like social lepers, and it’s reinforced by the fact that it’s seriously fucking hard to make friends as an adult. It seems obvious it would be easier due to the fact that kids have a lot of structured social time in which they can meet new people on neutral ground without any specific expectations beyond enthusiastic participation in whatever the group activity is, but that’s not the entire story. For most of us, our sole “group” activity is work, which is neither social nor interactive, and for many people is genuinely unpleasant.

In the workplace, new models of working — such as telecommuting and some on-demand “gig economy” contracting arrangements — have created flexibility but often reduce the opportunities for in-person interaction and relationships. And even working at an office doesn’t guarantee meaningful connections: People sit in an office full of coworkers, even in open-plan workspaces, but everyone is staring at a computer or attending task-oriented meetings where opportunities to connect on a human level are scarce.

Murthy goes on to explain how this lack of connection leads to chronic high stress, inflammation, and a variety of alarming health problems. He also points out that way before loneliness kills you, it starts killing your productivity.

“Researchers for Gallup found that having strong social connections at work makes employees more likely to be engaged with their jobs and produce higher-quality work, and less likely to fall sick or be injured,” he reports.

During Covid, my wife and I tried a number of things to increase our social interactions with other people, because we realized we were basically doing bits to entertain people every time we left the house. Making other people laugh made us happy, so we had a weird, mostly unspoken mission to be the funniest customers anyone ever had for awhile. At the same time, we tried socializing with our neighbors, which mostly had negative results but led us to join a charity that delivered food to people living in motels (which is a horrible half step above homelessness and is extremely difficult to get out of without help due to the expense of it). And even that went sideways on us, but I managed to get the raddest job in history out of it, which came with its own dope set of ultra unique friends with whom I might never have even spoken except in passing otherwise.

Before you ask, your online friends are not friends. At best, they’re acquaintances, but the distinction is utterly lost on most people. As such, I’ll point to science-

“Friendlessness (defined as lacking any friendship that is mutually reciprocated) is conceptually and empirically distinct from group popularity and independently predicts adverse mental health outcomes throughout life” (Fink).

That means you’ve gotta leave the house and go meet people if you want to fix this problem, and it is a problem that will kill you almost as fast as painting radium on watch faces would. And fixing that problem will lead to greater gains, which I can tell you definitively from experience- since I got happy and healthy being jacked is far easier and I’m far leaner than I’ve ever been, almost irrespective of my diet.

This isn’t a polite suggestion, either- it’s an order. Go out and make some friends, and for fuck’s sake avoid making friends with lifters. Branch out. Get different perspectives. Find out how other interesting people spend their time. And reap the benefits.

And while you’re pondering that, imagine how Bob Ross would look at you while listening to you discuss your passion (assuming lifting is your passion). Do you think he’d be impressed by your research and stats and coach and program, or do you think he’d think you were a mentally ill person who confused an unpaid job with absolutely no benefits for a hobby? Stop fucking obsessing about lifting and get better at it by doing it with the actual zeal you pretend to possess by extra about lifting on social media.

If you need some help getting started, here are links to some of my old psychological articles, which detail methods by which you can strengthen your psyche and utterly defeat mean brain:

Get Your Fucking Head Right

Seriously, Get Your Fucking Head Right

Get Your Fucking Head Right #3- Be Positive, Or You’ll Positively Suck

Get Your Fucking Head Right #4- Goals are for Soccer players and Other Small Children

Be As Badass As Your Ancestors

George Frenn- Mind Control Over the Motherfuckin’ Weights

Stop Being a Pussy, Go Fucking Feral

Go Fucking Feral #2

Go Fucking Feral #3- Hate Keeps You Warm

Source:

Anderson, Maxwell. Why don’t men have friends anymore? Medium. 21 Nov 2017. Web. 13 Jan 2022. https://medium.com/the-weekend-reader/why-dont-men-have-friends-anymore-28636add4c18

Fink E, Begeer S, Peterson CC, Slaughter, de Rosnay M. Friends, friendlessness, and the social consequences of gaining a theory of mind. Br J Dev Psychol. 2015 Mar;33(1):27-30.

Hammond, Susan. How loneliness manifests in personality disorders. Psych Central. 19 Jun 2020. Web. 8 Feb 2022. https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2020/06/how-loneliness-manifests-in-personality-disorders#1

Murthy, Vivek. Work and the loneliness epidemic. Harvard Business Review. 26 Sep 2017. Web. 8 Feb 2022. https://hbr.org/2017/09/work-and-the-loneliness-epidemic

Philip KEJ, Polkey MI, Hopkinson NS, Steptoe A, Fancourt D. Social isolation, loneliness and physical performance in older-adults: fixed effects analyses of a cohort study. Sci Rep. 2020 Aug 17;10(1):13908.

Stillman, Jessica. Former surgeon general: America is in the midst of a loneliness epidemic (and work is partly to blame). Inc.com. 10 Oct 2017. Web. 8 Feb 2022. https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/former-surgeon-general-america-is-in-midst-of-a-loneliness-epidemic.html

Stillman, Jessica. The scientific reason it’s so hard to make friends as an adult (and what to do about it). Inc.com. 13 Jan 2022. Web. 8 Feb 2022. https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/psychology-relationships-adult-friends.html

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