If you’re anything like the Chaos household, movie reviews are often interpreted in reverse- if the film wins an award, skip it. Reviewers loved it? It’s utter dreck. And so on. As such, we thought we’d give you a two sided coin of a review, roughly weekly, of something that is in the theaters. With Proud Boys review bombing anything with a girl in it and leftists downgrading anything with violence, vulgarity, or not enough non-white people in it, it’s goddamned impossible to find out what movies actually bring the motherfucking ruckus, because it seems the entire world has its own head so far up its own fucking ass that no one can sit down and enjoy a goddamned bloodfest these days.
Hellboy (2019)
If you read Rotten Tomatoes about this film, you get the impression that this is on the level of the frankly pretty sweet but very much maligned 1994 flick Spawn– dogshit CGI and clunky dialogue buried in gore (well, there should have been gore in Spawn, but they chased that dumbshit PG-13 rating) and profanity. The reason for this is that the pussies reviewing the film have expectations for comic books films that this $50M gorefest refused to deliver- incredibly polished and expensive CGI, some sort of socio-political message, and overwhelming PG-thirteenness. The reviews might as well say as much, because they are trash and the people giving them are dumpster fires.
- This all hurtles at a relentless, unforgiving pace, glued together with many, many crunchy guitar licks. You don’t so much as watch this movie as submit to being pummeled by it.
- An R-rated slog that’s heavy on bad attitude and creative dismemberments, and completely missing the humane core of Mignola’s original story.
- In the end, the movie leaves us stuck with unmoving drama and increasingly numbing carnage, delivered with a hand as heavy as Hellboy’s monstrously oversized right meathook.
- Gross, Uneven, Exhausting, and Unwatchable.
- Over the top gore, excessive swearing, bland rock music, and an R-rating don’t make this reboot edgy, just noisy and dull. Marshall’s film lacks passion and without it you’re left with a repetitive barrage of what seems like a 12-year old’s fantasy film.
The halfwit above bloviating about Mignola’s original story clearly never read the fucking thing, because the movie captured the tone of Hellboy perfectly. Nothing in that comic was shiny, nothing was new looking, and Hellboy was fucking drunk in every issue. The film is exactly the same way- even Mignola himself was impressed.
“I will say, having been on set on the other two movies [by director Guillermo Del Toro], that was the first time I walked on set and saw something and said, ‘Holy shit, that’s right out of the comic!’” Mignola enthused.
So, what we have is loud as fuck (my ears were literally ringing afterward), violent, drunken, face-ripping, movie about the son of Satan and a chick rocking brass knuckles (who is literally punching the souls out of motherfuckers) teaming up and laying waste to every dickhead they can find who is trying to either bring about the apocalypse or kill Hellboy, which is just about everyone in the flick. As for the aforementioned “excessive swearing,” the first “fuck” is dropped in the opening credits by Al Swearengen (Ian McShane). The score could have been better, I’ll admit- that flick was screaming for Trent Reznor or Charlie Clouser (the Saw franchise and all of the good NIN albums) on the soundtrack. Hell, set that movie to the badass Spawn soundtrack and you’re looking at a five star flick.
Now to the big one- Ron Perlman’s replacement. My response is who in the fuck is Ron Perlman and why would I care how he was as Hellboy? That’s how good David Harbour is.
Don’t sleep on this flick because people are busy jerking dicks to that bullshit kiddie flick Shazam- Hellboy is the shit. Is it perfect? Nah, but not everything can be Deadpool. This is a movie designed to be watched over pizza and beer, not over dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and juice packs. Treat it as such and you will not be disappointed.
Mrs Chaos’ Take
I want to know where the fuck the Dino Nuggets were! I have been dealing with what feels like a broken tooth for a week and chicken nuggets are one of the FEW things I can eat, lol. I was stuck going light on the popcorn during the movie because I couldn’t chew, and there was no econo bag of Twizzlers. Junior Mints just don’t have the same child-like glee as Twizzlers.
And child-like glee is what you need for Hellboy, although full disclosure, there was MORE than one part where I had to cover my eyes because I just can’t do gore, or squishy sound effects. Aside from the very realistic sound effects, Hellboy was a frenetic romp across the world with sharp humor and some pretty badass effects. I am not aware of the source material like Jamie is, so I got to enjoy the movie for what it is and isn’t.
My one complaint… can we find someone OTHER than Milla Jovovich for most Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Comic Book movies? [Editor’s note: We need to take a trip somewhere that it’s legal to beat your wife] I get she is painfully hot, and has a great body, but half the fun I had watching Hellboy was trying to figure out why characters looked so familiar (I didn’t get Al Swearengen until this review). Milla’s presence just kind of took me out of the train wreck of worlds colliding. [Editor’s Note: If Tara starts taking a lot of pictures wearing large sunglasses, you know why. She’s Irish, and I told her twice.]
All told I would definitely recommend the movie, and I am looking forward to the sequel they set up at the end of the movie.
In Short:
Go see Hellboy. Support indie comics, support non-blockbuster actioners, and remember not everything has to be fucking spit and polished.
