I think this is the part of USAPL Nationals that happens right in between the rules meeting and the Pledge of Allegiance   not sure what time nap time is, but they only give you water crackers anyway, since Nilla Wafers might enhance your performance.

All of my information about the USAPL comes second hand, as I only compete in pro meets and they’re still chasing their ridiculous pipe dream of getting yet another sport about which no one cares into the Olympics.  I have, however, never heard a single good thing about their meets.  I’ve seen videos of them, and they appear to have all of the frivolity and pomp of a Russian Orthodox funeral, only without the heavy drinking.  In fact, I believe the consumption of alcohol is prohibited in the USAPL, along with:

  • being strong
  • lifting with training partners who compete untested
  • yelling
  • smiling
  • telling off-color jokes
  • cheering while other lifters are lifting
  • treating the sport like it’s not a gold tournament held in a giant church
  • being strong
  • using profanity
  • drinking too much coffee
  • competing in other (i.e. better) federations
  • and, of course, being strong (the two obvious exceptions being JT and Jesse Norris- unbunch your panties, motherfuckers.)
From what I’ve seen, you could have more fun getting tested for AIDS with dirty needles at a clinic in Bangkok than you would at a USAPL meet.  You’d have more credibility as a lifter if you spent most of your time on a Bosu ball than you would flashing your USAPL membership card. Their meets might also be the only place where people dress even more conservatively and 1980s dad nerdy than a southern frat party.  There is literally no redeeming quality to the federation insofar as I’ve seen, and I’m not sure why it exists except to give weak people a showcase and excuse for their unimpressive strength.  I’m quite certain simply reading this blog would earn you an automatic ban from the fed, but on the off chance I am wrong, here are a list of things so awesome they’ll get you a lifetime ban from the “U Suck At Powerlifting” federation without even unzipping your fly.
Music
As always, support these bands- they need that $5 on bandcamp more than you, and there’s no reason to steal shit that’s that cheap.  Don’t be a cheap, thieving pigfucker if you like their music.

Stray From The Path- Anonymous
As anyone who knows me is aware, I love the mid-90s “Blech” more than I could love a human baby.  Stray From the Path’s vocalist sprinkles that shit liberally over this album like Emeril is behind him egging him on screaming “Again!” and “BAM!” every time he hears a Rick Ta Life Style puking noise.  Basically, this shit is 90s Jersey rapcore (yeah, I know they’re from Long Island, but I always think of NJ Bloodline when I think of rapcore) channels their 90’s style hardcore and slaps it in the face with a heavy dose of old RATM harmonics like they’re a prankster beating his best friend unconscious with a 10 lb trout.  If you’ve heard old SFTP, you’ll not be disappointed with this album, and if you’ve never heard them, this is pretty much the best intro you could get.

Hacktivist- S/T
Most or all of you will disagree that this album’s awesome, but I don’t care- I like djent, and I like rapcore, and this shit is both.  Grimy London Dizzee Rascal style rap (but political) mash up with Structures-style djent makes for a good fucking listen.  If nothing else, it’s about the most original fucking thing I’ve heard, and since Dizzee hasn’t gone Necro style and gotten Jamey Hatebreed to collaborate on a song with him, I’m gonna stick with Hacktivist on my mp3 player.

Sworn In- The Death Card
Sworn In has been on my mp3 player ever since I randomly stumbled across a tiny Baltimore hardcore blog that mentioned them in passing.  I’ve no idea why these guys aren’t better known than they are- they’re the perfect mix of djent, sludgewave, a tiny bit of rapcore, some of the most scathing, angry, bile-spitting lyrics of all time, and 43,000 pounds of breakdowns, most of which sonically punch a hole through your soul.  This band literally has something for everyone who likes heavy shit. If you do not like this band, you are a bad person.  Worse than me, even.

Breakdown to end all breakdowns at 4:15.

Genocide District- Revolutions
I gave up on bands that utilized solos in their songs in or around 1994.  Quite frankly, I never really gave a shit about them, was much more prone to playing air drums than air guitar, and never really liked Van Halen.  Thus, the endless conversations about who was the best lead guitarist always bored the tits off me, and I’d try to turn the conversation to something useful, like “would you rather be chased by a T-Rex or an M1 Abrams tank?”  That, I felt, was a far better use of everyone’s time.  In spite of all that, I find myself liking Genocide District, in large part likely due to their name, but they’re so fucking brutal i can forgive them their stupid fucking guitar solos, which likely include gratuitous use of rope as well.  Mash together Black Tongue and Thy Art Is Murder with the guitarist and his stupid fucking rope and you get Genocide District.  Can’t hate on that shit.


Unit 731- Res Ipsa Loquitor

Picking up pretty much exactly where Shattered Realm and Built Upon Frustration left off years ago, we have Unit 371.  Their breakdown construction is slightly more refined, but this band is about little more than starting a break with a brutal line and then inspiring people to beat each others’ guts onto the floor at shows.  If you’re curious about the name of the album, it seems to be a catch all for the theme of the album, which is that people in Western society deserve the shitty treatment they get by the moneyed/landed elite because they’re all bleating sheep who accept their fate without a fight.  I doubt, however, that any of you find yourselves giving a shit. Like me, I’d imagine you guys are not looking for complexity of topic and song structure in the gym- you’re on the hunt for brutality, and these motherfuckers live up to their moniker.

Vow Of Hatred
VOH is a pretty much entirely unknown band, but I love the balls off this song- toughguy hardcore with a cross between Shattered Realm’s original vocals and the Hoods’ former vocalist Benny, plus digital bass booms and lyrics that consist of almost nothing but threats.  They’re working on a new album, so check this shit out and if you like it get over to their Facebook and like their shit so they actually cut a full fucking album rather than releasing yet another 4 song EP.

Facebook
Path To Misery- Disarmament
Path to Misery should suit those of you who love old Earth Crisis, like Trash Talk, and need something fucking hard in your life.  they definitely bring the brutality, and given that the band’s members read like a resume of every badass bad to ever come out of Pittsburgh it’s no fucking wonder.  Put aside your skepticism that vegetarians can come correct- every now and again one can emerge from the much and bring it fucking hard.  These guys take that hardness ten steps further with an EP that makes you consider renting a backhoe for the bodies this thing might inspire you to create.

Bandcamp


Sworn Vengeance- …And With This Hammer Of Vengeance
I think I’ve related the story more than once, but I have been a fan of Sworn Vengeance since I discovered them in a tiny record shop in San Diego in 2001.  Unfortunately, the band folded shortly after I discovered them, leaving me sadly bereft of music from a band that consistently goes harder than a foot fetishist’s dick in the shoe section of Charlotte Rousse.  Then, out of nowhere, the guitarist of the band emailed me that he was a fan, and the dude actually rocked a CnP shirt in promo pics for the band’s new album.  In any event, you shouldn’t just support this bad because their music would provide a nice soundtrack to a Mad Max style apocalypse or because they’re CnP fans- you should support them because if you don’t I might  find out where you live and then I come to your house, see? And I beat down your door with a fucking baseball bat! And, then I make a bonfire with the furniture, maybe roast that Golden Retriever, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, then eat it! And then I’m coming upstairs, fuckface, and I’m gonna grab you by your Spiderman pjs, and then I’m gonna take your dumbass iPad and cram it up your tight ass before I fuck your girlfriend into a coma if you do not. Do we have an understanding?

Bandcamp
Best Band Shirt Ever

Music On The Lighter Side…

Dangerkids- Collapse
I realize that some of you are likely about to toss your laptop in the trash at this recommendation, but I give exactly zero fucks.  Some of us actually get laid and want to split the difference between the shit you hear on Octane (it’s a satellite radio station, foreigners) and music more our style.  Dangerkids should fit that bill- a little dancy, very reminiscent of Linkin Park’s old stuff (which was actually good, you crotchety, unwashed, metalhead elitists).  Not a bad album to have in your back pocket in just in case- it’d certainly bet better than listening to Mumford and Sons, may they burn for all eternity.

Bookiwooks

Angeldust Apocalypse by Jeremy Robert Johnson
One of my favorite methods of conveying an idea in prose is the short sotyr.  Done well, the author always leaves you wanting more, and your mind spirals off into alternate universes at random points throughout your day as you revisit a good short story over and over.  Provided that alternate universe is the Hell universe featured in the film Event Horizon, that’s exactly what happens in Angeldust Apocalypse.  Tight out of the gate, Johnson’s writing is dripping with the kind on intense insanity you’d only find in the darkest bowels of an insane asylum, but it’s overlaid with such a feeling of normalcy that you honestly wonder if you, not he, is the fucked up on the reader/author relationship.  Though they’re not all gems, his reasoning behind writing what he has is almost as interesting as the stories themselves, and a couple of those stories will stick with you indefinitely.  Definitely worth the price of admission.

The Blue Blazes By Chuck Wendig
I honestly cannot think of a person to whom this book would not appeal- it’s equal parts mob wars, pulp noir, HP Lovecraft, and Larry Correia’s Monster Hunters series.  I’ve no idea if this guy plans to make this into a series, but he fucking better.  This book is the balls.

Suffer the Flesh by Monica J. O’Rourke
Don’t let the description on Amazon fool you- fans of the Your Fat Is Your Fault series will love this.  Abducted off the streets after nominally accepting admission to a fat camp, a chubby broad is raped and tortured until she is skinny.  It’s unfortunately not much more kinky than my average Saturday night, but it’s still a fun read and might give you your own ideas for shenanigans.  Imagine 50 Shades Of Grey, only with actual BDSM, a chubby broad, and none of the lovey-dovey bullshit.

Mega Moobie Muffins



American Mary
It’s hard to know exactly how to describe this movie.  It’s dark, and it’s gory, but I wouldn’t precisely call it a horror film- irt’s really more of a thriller, I think.  In any event, this is a wildly original movie about a chick who, broke and having been taken advantage of by her professors, so she starts moonlighting in torture for a titty bar owner who for some reason has a need for a personal torturer.  From there, she becomes a surgeon for people who want extreme body modifications, and the entire thing is as bizarre as it is hot.  If you like it, you might want to check out Dead Hooker in a Trunk, which is the directors’ first film and was also pretty surreal and awesome.

Frankenstein’s Army
I can’t say I was disappointed with this movie- I was just wholly unprepared for how unrelentingly bleak, dark, and gross this movie was.  It was perhaps more disturbing than House of 1000 Corpses when I first saw taht, given that I was expecting something a bit lighter.  The entire reason I saw this film was because I’ve been pumped for years to see Worst Case Scenario, a movie that died in development hell only to resurrected as Frankenstein’s army.  You’ll note, looking at the trailer for WCS, that the constumes are exactly the same, and I’m sure much of whatever the original moive was to be is the same.  If I had to guess, I’d imagine that bringing his baby into the light of day was such a shitty, laborious, painful process that Raaphorst just dropped the fun aspects of the original and set out to show how truly horrible humanity can actually be (and his conception of horrible and mine are apparently MILES apart).  In any event, it’s a cool fucking movie, if bleaker than Paris Hilton’s future life after 50.

Booty might be banned by the USAPL for raising test levels unnaturally.

The rant blog is almost done, and will be followed by an article on managing women’s hormones for lifting, the crazybells article (finally), and the story of my exploding bicep at the Olympia.  New site launches this weekend at www.chaosandpain.com for all of your supplement and merch needs!!!!  the blog will remain, lest you guys fly into a panic.  They’ll be two separate ventures.

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