Your Fat Is Definitively Your Fault #3- Holley “Superflous E In My Name Pisses Jamie Right The Fuck Off” Mangold Appears To Be Doing It Right

It should come as no surprise that my friends think very much like I do.  Though one would not guess it looking at her, the angriest, most caustic and sarcastic, and generally irascible of my friends is not a hulking behemoth but rather a tiny Asian powerlifter I nicknamed “Nuprin” when I first met her because I was hammered and couldn’t remember her name.  Being awesome, she took that right in stride and continued to talk to me where most chicks would have sprayed me with lighter fluid and flicked lit matches at me until I finally exploded in the glory of their firey, estrogen-inspired retribution.  The following is the gist of a conversation I had with Nuprin earlier today:

Nuprin: I don’t get how there are so many fat people

Me: Right there with you

Nuprin: You cant possibly wake up. See yourself in the mirror and be like “yeah, I’m good.”

Me: When you can’t see your junk without straddling a mirror you’ve laid on the floor and employing some strategically placed krieg lights, you’d think it’d be a wake up call

Nuprin:
Go to doctor. Be told you’re obese and gonna die. Then make mad dash for nearest treadmill
And curse the heavens and genetics for making you a lazy asshole who makes shitty decisions!!
Oh why why wont society accept me for being a lazy slob??
I have a full time job! It’s too much!!!
I need someone to work out for me!!
/snorts
I hate society

Me:
Doesn’t everyone?  Have you seen the haes stuff?
Health at any size?
Retarded
Utter nonsense

Nuprin:
Haven’t heard of it
I just hate people
This society is so fucked
it’s ok to be morbidly obese people will feel bad for you and call it a disease, something you can’t help
but it’s wrong to be gay
the fuck?
one is sucking up more of our natural resources than necessary the other causes no one any harm
but right… gay is wrong. fat is right.

These are my friends- cold, calculating, brutal motherfuckers… and that’s just the chicks.  She does bring up an interesting point, though, in that our society finds it far more acceptable to be fat than gay.  Given that gluttony is a deadly sin, it’s nothing more that bald-faced hypocrisy for the denizens of middle America to stuff their fat faces all the live long day while voting for neo-fascist Christian conservatives with agendas so evil they’d have given Ivan the Terrible ideas about how to be an even bigger asshole.  Beyond that, these fat fucks think nothing of the fact that they’re inconveniencing those around them, crippling the EMTs who have to load their disgusting, bloated carcasses into ambulances on hyper-expensive super-reinforced gurneys, increasing the cost of healthcare, oozing over the armrests on airplanes, and generally being disgusting to regard in person. Wheezing, hacking, lumbering herds of elephants hell bent on eating themselves to death as they inconvenience real humans with every moment of their existence, and they somehow believe themselves to be better than the guy who likes to get in a workout 6 days a week and then suck some cock.

I will confess that I thought of Holley Mangold as one of these useless land beasts for some time.  Though she managed to make it to the Olympics for weightlifting in spite of the USAWA’s best efforts to keep us from ever competing in strength sports again, a complete lack of funding and truly horrifying obesity, Mangold was so fat when she competed that it was hard as hell to accurately describe her as an athlete.  She was so fat that she disrupted the Earth’s Schumann resonances to the point that she causes lightning storms on the other side of the Earth when she heaved her ponderous bulk out of bed.  She was so fat that her muscle to fat ratio could only be explained in complex irrational numbers.  She was so fucking fat that if the moon exploded the Earth would only have a tidal bulge on the side she was standing on.  She was so fucking fat she’d give those sparkly twinks on Twilight the beetus if they tried to suck her blood.  At 5’8″ and 360 lbs, Mangold manages to outweigh me at my heaviest by 150 lbs, in spite of the fact that she’s only three inches taller than me and is hilariously no stronger.  We’re talking about a person California openly courted for relocation because she’d serve as a natural habitat for condors.  She was literally carrying around a full grown person made of fat atop whatever muscle she managed to retain while eating sheet cakes and narrowly dodging type 2 diabetes.  For those of you who are unaware, the superheavyweight class in women’s Olympic weightlifting is 165 lbs and up.  That means she was almost 123 lbs heavier than the 2nd place competitor in her class, 156 lbs more than the 3rd place finisher and still only managed to come in 10th fucking place.  Meanwhile, her aggregate total in Olympic weightlifting is a paltry 562.2 lbs.  That, my friends, is piss fucking poor- if you’re so fat that (srs) you have to wear two fucking singlets because you’re continually bursting them at the seams, you’re too motherfucking fat.

Apparently, Mangold finally came to that realization.  As the only broad to ever play a non-kicker position in college football (she was an offensive lineman), she apparently doesn’t lack the strength chops to hang with some strong motherfuckers, but having a 50″ waist is going to ruin your bar path and whatever other considerations American Olympic lifters sit in the corner stressing about while fiddling with PVC pipe and not actually lifting weight.  Recently, it hit the news that Mangold was going to be the second US Olympian to grace television screens as a member of the television show The Biggest Loser.  Though I despised the move by alleged wrestler but actual stalling world champion, fat, waterheaded, Jesus freak Rulon Gardner, I applaud Mangold for the move, because she actually seems semi-intelligent and merely lacks the requisite willpower to avoid stuffing her mouth with cake every 43 seconds.  I realize that anyone watching you read this just witnessed the most epic jaw drop of all time, so I’ll explain my reasoning:

• She finally looked in the mirror and decided she wanted to see what her vagina looked like.
• She realized that maintaining a weight that put her within minutes of a heart attack if she elevated her heart rate enough to cross a street on foot was not the path to great strength.
• Mangold realized that there is no other way for her to get paid to train for the Olympics in the United States, never mind finding a way to get access to clean food prepared by licensed nutritionists, obtaining trainers who will fucking tase her and toss her fat ass off a building if she doesn’t lose some fucking weight, and possibly finding a way to pay for the next two years of training and dieting if she wins the competition.  

In case you’re unaware, Olympic weightlifters in countries with good Oly teams are fucking rockstars.  Their monthly stipends are considerably higher than the average wage, they get to go to paid training camps with excellent food (not unlike NFL training camps), and their well treated.  By contrast, our athletes are constantly hounded by the unathletic, noncompetitive, nerdy, dickless, worthless, honorless, brainless assholes at the USADA every moment of their life, ignored by the press, given no support by the government, and are generally treated like second class citizens.  To wit:

“[A] Member of the Russian national team  has 4 main competitions per year. That includes Cup of Russia, European Championship, Russian Championship and World Championship. Prior to each competition, there is a training camp. Overall, athletes spend 8 months per year in training camps.

Training camps are being held for top 3 athletes of the nationals as well as for young talented prospects. Quiet often training camps are being held in the Academy of Olympic Weightlifting in Taganrog. There is an excellent food there, great diversity of dishes and some athletes gain up to 10 kilos over a camp. Most athletes have personal plans and the head coach only give sthem advice and sometimes corrects athletes personally.

National team member gets a stipend of 15,000 roubles ($ 500) per month and every year each athlete has to earn this stipend by finishing in top 3 @ the Europeans or top 6 @ the worlds.

There are bonuses like for the duration of a year, Russian championship winner receives 45,000 roubles ($900) per month, European champion gets 60,000 roubles ($2,000) per month, World champion gets 90,000 roubles ($3,000) per months and for gold medal @ the Olympics 150,000 roubles ($5,000) per month.

To put that into context, the average Russian income (as of 2009) was $8874 US per year per person” All Things Gym).

Chinese Olympic weightlifters fare even better than the Russians in terms of quality of life compared to their countrymen:

“For their years of service, the lifters receive a state salary. Even for Olympic champions, the annual amount rarely breaks $10,000, and any money from endorsements is shared with the national federation. The athletes I speak to profess no resentment. “Our food, housing, clothing, tuition—it’s all paid for,” says Liu, who receives around $9,700 a year from provincial and national-level sports bureaus—10 times the average rural Chinese income”(Beech).

In essence, Mangold is finally going to get the same support, sans drugs, given to nearly every other Olympic weightlifter in the world, and in the end will actually be regarded as an athlete, not in the least because she’ll actually resemble one for once. In fact, if all goes as planned, Mangold might just end up looking fucking jacked- even if she was 40% bodyfat at 350 lbs, she’s still carry enough lean muscle to hit the platform at 235 lbs at a ripped 12% bodyfat.  That means she’d make Klokov look like a bitch by comparison, which is something I personally think would be awesome to see.  In short, I applaud Hollry Mangold- she finally realized she was a disgusting piece of shit, and decided not only to do something about it, but to actually try and get awesome for once rather than relying on sheet cake and genetics to be a tad above mediocre.  Middle America, take note- you just might be able to rise above the level of land beast and actually do something useful with your lives before I become overlord and send the lot of you to the camps for manual labor on starvation rations and eventual liquidation.

This is usually where I’d post a pic of Auschwitz with the caption “Biggest Loser circa 1945”, but I’ve grown past that, so here’s a thick chick I’d smash the fucking granny out of.

Sources:
Beech, Hannah.  China’s Gold Standard.  Time.  19 Jul 2012.  Web.  3 Oct 2013.  http://olympics.time.com/2012/07/19/chinas-olympic-weight-lifting-and-diving/
Chidlovski, Arthur.  Russian weightlifting demands and paychecks.  All Things Gym.  29 March 2012.  Web.  3 Oct 2013.  http://www.allthingsgym.com/russian-weightlifting-demands-paychecks/