Random Awesome Shit- Whooty, Movies, Books, and Music That Will Put Lead In Your Pencil

For every bitch who hits the “Dislike” button on these entries, there are ten emails and ten IMs and ten comments asking for more recommendations.  As I love pissing people off and enjoy a good review as much as the next guy, I’m happy to provide some reviews.  For those of you who hate these entries, have a big booty and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Movies You Should See, Stat
Iron Sky

This movie sat in my recommendations list on Netflix instant for months while I dithered about watching a movie I assumed would suck harder the least singer of Wham! in a rest stop bathroom.  Those were many months wasted, however, because this movie is one of the greatest unknown gems available for the general public’s viewing pleasure today.  Set in a dystopic future in which a Michelle Bachman look- and sound-alike sends a black model to the moon as part of a publicity stunt, the moon lander touches down right on the edge of the dark side of the moon, whereupon one astronaut is clipped by a Nazi in a leather-trenchcoated spacesuit and the black model, spouting rather amusing ghetto slang, is captured.  Upon discovering the computing power of the iPhone, the Nazis send a landing party to Earth to secure more “supercomputers” to power the Nazis’ ultimate weapon for the “pacification” of Earth.  Two of the landing party become aides to Bachman and utilize Naziesque propaganda to secure her reelection, upon the eve of which the remainder of the Nazis invade.  From space.  The movie is not only as good as it sounds- it’s far, far better.  You will never forgive yourself for failing to see this priceless piece of Finno-German moviemaking.

The Woman

For some reason, I’ve been a fan of Jack Ketchum in the way the US government is a fan of the US Constitution- I like his stuff in theory, but in practice can’t stand the sight of it.  So it was with the film adaptation of the predecessor to the Woman (the Offspring), and so it is with most of Ketchum’s books.  The Woman, however, was astonishingly good.  I always enjoy a good condemnation of modern society in its comparison to the past, and even moreso enjoy seeing the hypocrisy of “Western civilization” thrown back in its face, and for this reason I couldn’t have enjoyed The Woman more.  Set in the modern day, the Woman is a tale of a family whose well-to-do family man patriarch captures a feral girl in the woods and chains her up in his barn in an effort to “civilize her”.  Predictably, the family’s vague attempts at civilizing the girl are anything but, and though a violent psychotic, the feral girl is a sympathetic character in the face of the civilized world.  Topped off with some excellent revenge sequences, the triumph of “the uncivilized”, and very cool plot twist at the end, you pretty much cannot not like this film.

A Serbian Film

Truth be told, I didn’t watch all of this movie because I often spend as much time fucking during horribly twisted erotic horror films as I do watching them.  This film was even more fucked up than the German horror porn classic Nekromantik (which is an awesome film about a couple that has a long-term threesome with a rotting corpse), so much more fucking was required.  Description of the plot will then be somewhat difficult, but here goes- a world-famous Serbian porn star is contracted to make an epic but small-release “special” porn film, which turns out to be the most fucked up thing anyone’s ever done, watched, or considered.  It features multiple murders, bestiality, necrophilia, incest, homosexual incest, homosexual rape, date rape, outright rape, infant rape, eyehole fucking, group suicide… the list goes on and on.  The film is so awesome that it’s been in the home of the Inquisition (Spain), a nation-wide repository for violent criminals and thieves (Australia), a nation renowned for its inhabitants’ cannibalistic tendencies (New Zealand), a nation well known for its big-booty scat porn (Brazil), and a couple of authoritarian nations that suck per their Constitutions. If you want to check out a film that inspires you to masturbate and consider killing yourself for the good of humanity at the same time, this film is for you.

Perhaps we need a bit of a cleanse after that review.

Your New Favorite Bands

It’s rare that my jaw drops when I hear a band for the first time- most bands have such a hackneyed sound that it’s like listening to any band on an alt rock radio station circa 2002.  Luckily, not every band on Earth sounds like Creed anymore, but there’s still a general lack of innovation out of a lot of bands.  When I first heard Fear Factory’s Demanufacture, my mind was blown by the speed and precision of the drumming.  When I heard Acacia Strain’s 3750, I felt the same way about the utter bleakness, brutality, and hate pouring through the speakers.  Infant Annihilator managed to pull off both sensations simultaneously.  Never before have I been so surprised by a band than when I first heard Morbid Angel and Carcass in the same day- Infant Annihilator combines all the speed and aggression of American death metal, then adds the brutality of Acacia Strain, the technicality of Meshuggah and Veil of Maya, and finally slathers it with the goofiness of Anal Cunt or Agoraphobic Nosebleed.  If your tits aren’t blown clean off by this band, nothing will astonish you, and there’s a reasonably decent chance that you’re clinically dead.  Were you to play IA on loudspeakers in Croatia, there’s a decent chance there’d be a massive outbreak moshing in what were formerly Muslim mass graves, followed by an outbreak of hyperspeed brain-eating that would look like the end of Return Of The Dead in 36x fast forward.  Bear witness as they exercise their exorcism:

They also pulled off two of the best covers ever, which are available free on Mediafire- what is possibly Bring Me The Horizon’s best song, Pray for Plagues, and the most annoyingly catchy song of all time, Gangnam Style.  If you like their shit, it’s cheap on Bandcamp– support the band so they make more of this shit, as it is epic.

If Infant Annihilator gives you such hard eargasms that your bloody eardrums are splattered all over your neck like strawberry Pop Tart bukkake, you’ll love Rings of Saturn and Signal The Firing Squad more than Aaron Hernandez loves incriminating himself in felonious acts.  Don’t believe me?

Rings of Saturn is all of the technicality of IA with more noodly bits, atmospherics that would not be out of place in a Portishead song, and less silliness than you’d see in an Orthodox Jew’s countdown of a store’s register.

Signal the Firing Squad brings more brutality per second than most bands bring per lifetime.  Saddam Hussein’s kids WISH they were this fucking brutal, and those motherfuckers threatened soccer players with dismemberment over a game in which scoring happens less often than Screech from Saved By The Bell gets laid.

Thy Art Is Murder

I was recently warned not to support Satanism, even as a goof, as support for the forces of evil only lends the people who control the world more power.  Given that absurdity, I’ve decided to throw the full weight of my support behind the Beast, and am rocking Thy Art Is Murder on the regular.  There are more breakdowns in TAIM songs than you’d see on a Cuban highway and more blasphemy than you’d see in a typical Westboro Baptist church sermon.  These motherfuckers would shank Jesus and pour acid in the Virgin Mary’s eyes, just fucking because.  Though I don’t condone hippie bashing, I do condone the everloving fuck out of Thy Art Is Murder.  If there is anything on Earth tougher than this song, I am unaware of its existence. If Jack Palance fucked a badger, this would be the soundtrack for their “love making”.

Black Tongue

I bought Acacia’s Strain’s 3750 without having heard it, on the recommendation of a friend that nothing would ever be heavier than that band.  Brown Noise, the first non-noise track on 3750, blew out my car’s two back speakers in the first bar, as I unwittingly had the shit turned way up and the bass maxed.  Thus, Acacia Strain’s “Brown Noise” nearly fulfilled the promise of the song title, as their three drop A guitars proved too much for my stereo and nearly my bowels.  Acacia Strain’s followups, however, have done nothing (in my opinion) to improve on the formula they created.  Luckily, however, Black Tongue’s exploded onto the scene to pick up where Acacia Strain’s first major release left off.  This shit is about to rape your soul with a cock made of pure hate.  Interestingly enough, I discovered while researching this blog that Black Tongue is Infant Annihilator’s touring side band, which explains why they roll harder than a 1990’s era Ultimate Warrior with a fistful of Viagra and a backpack full of d-bol and coke.

Drowning

Chicago’s putting out the best hardcore in the US, bar none.  Drowning, then, is pretty much Eric Roberts in Best of the Best- they might look like a cheap replacement for a top-billed star but in reality is a low-key face-melting festival of brutality you’ll secretly love in the same way everyone in the scene used to love Korn, Deftones, and Slipknot.  Down-tempo, jam-packed with breakdowns, actually intelligible vocals, and an apparent desire to start fistfights whenever they’re not starting riots.  For those of you who actually want a touch of melody, they have a tiny bit, which strikes me as weird as hell for a band that wants to do little more than make music to kick peoples’ fucking heads in to.  Also, the first track off their upcoming album features Jorge from Merauder, which is fucking awesome.

Bonus:  Weird Bands OF Whom You’ve Almost Certainly Never Heard
Sikth

I honestly have no idea how to categorize these guys- they’re unlike anything of which you might have ever heard.  If you took the bassist from Mudvayne, threw him into Dillinger Escape Plan, grabbed the vocalist from December (another unknown band you should also check out) and gave Serj Tankian another mike and a handful of acid, then locked the lot of them in a room with mental patients and between the Buried and me records, you’d get Sikth.  They’re weird as fuck, cool as shit, and worth adding to your mp3 player for a bit of insanity.

Sub Dub Micromachine

Some of you will balk at this band, as they look like Slipknot if they got their costumes from a BDSM shop frequented by motocross fans.  You’re missing out, though, as Sub Dub’s a pretty badass changeup if all you listen to is deathcore and dubstep.  Additionally, this band defies description almost as hard as Sikth- they look industrial, which they’re not, and they change sounds several times in almost every song.  They can shift effortlessly from Devildriver to Korn to Slipknot to Powerman 5000 and then drop in a Crowbar-esque breakdown for no fucking reason whatsoever.    For those of you who take yourselves far too seriously, you’ll probably hate this almost as much as the people around you hate you.  For the rest of you, enjoy.

Dope D.O.D.

Quite frankly, I don’t listen to a hell of a lot of rap, and honestly have no idea how I stumbled across this group.  Oddly, they hail from the Netherlands, a country generally associated with dikes and clogs and not much else, save perhaps for their Socialists’ current ridiculous attempt to ban pornography in the European Union. On the opposite end of the spectrum from the loathsome hag heading that movement is Dope D.O.D., who’ve opened for Snoop Dogg, have cameos by rap legends Kool Keith and FUCKING ONYX on their latest album, and boast backbeats comprised mostly of dubstep.  Basically, these guys are the Geto Boys meet Natas updated for the 21st Century and overlaid on some dirty dubstep drops.  If you don’t find yourself head-nodding to this shit, you should check your fucking pulse.

Books To Sate The Intellectual Black Hole Left By Comments On Internet Message Boards

The Joe Ledger series, by Jonathan Maberry
Jonathan Mayberry is one of the most underrated authors in mass market fiction today.  He’s written a spate of novels in the last ten years that combine elements of sci-fi, thriller, espionage, and horror in every novel.  This series features Joe Ledger, a former cop recruited into a government quick response team for “abnormal” events like zombie outbreaks, Nazi mad scientist geneticists using cloned Neanderthals as slaves, and the like.  Always jammed with action, they read like a cross between Larry Correia and Vince Flynn, and the unique plots make for interesting reading.  i can see how he’d not be tremendously popular, as his works span too many genres to specifically appeal to any one demographic, but they’re highly enjoyable reads and worth picking up to read on the plane or the beach.  If you don’t mind starting in the middle of the series, you might want to start with the Dragon Factory, as it’s the best of the bunch in my opinion.

Infernal City series, by Edward Lee
The first in what is now a four book series, Lee smashes erotica and splatterpunk together to make one of the best horror series of all time.  In the Infernal City series, a variety of different houses serve as gateways to hell, which exists as a mirror of our own world and repository for damned souls.  In hell, bio-electricity created from the torture of souls replaces electricity, there are zones in which demons spontaneously arrive and slaughter everyone around, and bones, organs, and flesh comprise the brick, mortar, and fabric of Hell’s civilization.  It’d be dark as shit if half of it wasn’t hilarious and the other half didn’t leave you ready to fuck a hole in a cinder block wall- instead, it’s just randomly fantastic.  The whole concept drips with insanity and is generally awesome.